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Love and War Between Vancouver and Jinxes
#1
(This post was last modified: 10-21-2020, 03:46 PM by Pythonic.)

We all know the story of the Vancouver Whalers. Absolutely terrible last season, on top of the league this season. Zero to hero, if you feel like calling it that. Considering the content of this article, I probably shouldn’t even be saying stuff about the team being on top right now. Either way, today we’re going to be talking about an absolutely wonderful thing: jinxes. They have been somewhat of a controversial topic within the Whalers’ locker room.

    General manager and head coach Drew P. Balls (dmills3) seems to be a hard believer in the ability to jinx the players, or even the outcome of a game in general. According to Vancouver’s own winger Valtterri Kauppinen, “[Drew] would talk over me a bunch if I said anything that remotely sounded like a jinx in the locker room. Even if I said it clearly as a joke. Honestly, if you ask me, he’s too paranoid about that kind of stuff. Maybe he jinxed himself into being short or something, and that’s why he’s so suspicious. Whatever it is, I’m not short, and I have never jinxed the team, so give me some clearance, man.”

    Well, Mr. Kauppinen, you have probably definitely jinxed the team before. All we do know is that you have definitely jinxed up your starter, Name Redacted. In a game against the Outlaws of Anaheim on December 19th, 2022, Valtterri Kauppinen had gone on record saying: “To be honest, Redacted, you’re gonna let in one goal on one shot today. No offense.”  ...And wouldn’t you know it, that’s exactly what happened. Outlaw Michael Scotch took a shot straight down the middle of the ice from the Vancouver blue line, where the puck was then tipped out in front of Redacted by Thomas Rose. Redacted was unable to stop the shot, and it headed into the back of the net. Kappy’s jinx must have had some sort of demoralizing factor, as the Whalers lost that game four goals to one.

    After we caught up with general manager Balls after the game, he told us, “I always knew that literal child was going to jinx the team. Kid can’t keep his mouth shut. He hasn’t even scored a goal in how long? Two, three games? And he’s supposed to be a sniper! He just needs to be quiet, or else I’m gonna sic Slimey Snail on him. That’s all I have to say.” ...well, it may not be a good idea to have someone just an inch shorter (Slimey Snail stands at 5 feet, 5 inches tall) than you attack your future goal scoring star, but you can do what you’d like, little man.

    For a more recent example on the Whalers and their jinxes, star defensemen and captain of the Whalers, Ryosuke Sato, was spoken to before a game (sadly, not against the Anaheim Outlaws) just today, where he said “A shutout from Redacted would be great to see. It would definitely help us out for sure.” Sato just so happened to be interviewed close by to alternate captain Valtterri Kauppinen, who said “Sato’s jinxing [Redacted]. Never a good thing to do, you should be glad that the coach isn’t around to hear that.” We here at Whalers Not-So News Network definitely have not taken that quotation out of context in order to make Kauppinen appear better. Not at all. He definitely did not say that Name Redacted would have eight goals against, and that Ryosuke Sato's quote was him reversing Kauppinen’s famous jinxing skills. Either way, it doesn’t really matter, we saw what happened that game… yikes. Fat 2-0 loss.

    Well, that's all we have for all you Vancouver faithful out there today. To wrap things up, we have a few questions for everybody at home reading this:
      1. Do you believe in jinxes?
      2. Is general manager Drew P. Balls in the right for shutting up people who jinx the team?
      3. Is the Kauppinen Kurse a real thing?
      4. Is it delivery or is it DiGiorno?

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#2

literal child

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#3

literal child

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[Image: 6by0kBi.png] || [Image: ohmEd0h.png]

CanadaWhalersSteelhawks
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#4

Live shot of Python writing this article.
[Image: tenor.gif?itemid=13831797]

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#5

10-21-2020, 04:35 PMDELIRIVM Wrote: Live shot of Python writing this article.
[Image: tenor.gif?itemid=13831797]
this is even worse than what mills says to me

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#6
(This post was last modified: 10-21-2020, 06:08 PM by mee.)

1. Do you believe in jinxes?
Only by Koppa
2. Is general manager Drew P. Balls in the right for shutting up people who jinx the team?
Only if he's shutting up Koopa
3. Is the Kauppinen Kurse a real thing?
YES
4. Is it delivery or is it DiGiorno?
Yes

Class S55
Reincarnated- Class S71

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#7

10-21-2020, 05:12 PMPythonic Wrote:
10-21-2020, 04:35 PMDELIRIVM Wrote: Live shot of Python writing this article.
[Image: tenor.gif?itemid=13831797]
this is even worse than what mills says to me

imagine letting mills bully you

i mean, you're at least 3 feet taller than him

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