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Dossington47 · 11-09-2020, 09:03 PM

Note for Grader: Please apply the WJC Double Media Week bonus!

Note for Audience: I am aware this is a little bit late getting in, note I will not be writing about any played games in this article, so if something is outdated, that is why. There will also be a follow-up, either following the Semifinals, or after the tournament is over, pending my schedule IRL.

That smell. Is that salt I smell?

Yes, ladies & gentlemen. That familiar, awe-inspiring, sh-
Wait, what do you mean I can't say that? ...Isn't that the whole point of a Hater's Guide?
Fine, I'll PG-ify it.

Let's try this again. Let me quickly snap my Infinity Gauntlet and reset this. Need to get this intro right. How'd I get it? Don't ask questions you don't want answers to.
*SNAP*

That smell. Is that salt I smell?
Yes, ladies & gentlemen. That familiar, awe-inspiring, new toilet post smell.
It's time for something you have all been waiting for.
I present to you:
The Hater's Guide to the S56 WJC
Seriously, though, why did it take this long to get one?

Let's get straight to it, shall we?

Usa

TEAM USA

The USA. The land of the free, home of the brave. That's especially true in hockey's case in which we're free from the crap-show that is known as [IRL] UK hockey, and home of brave men and women who don't mind loosing a tooth or two to block a shot. Honestly, it is a sight to behold. This team is being led on offense by the likes of Lord Raiden, Hubert Andrews, and Sammy Blaze, who earned 43, 44, and 43 points in the S56 SMJHL season respectively. Raiden scored 20 goals and earned 23 assists, Andrews... well, I can't find his stats. Blaze? ...Nope, can't find his either. That's not good. I hope that me not being able to find their stats is a sign of irrelevance. On defense, the team is led by James LeBlond, Colin Lambert, and Pojo... Biscuit. (29, 27, 27 points respectively) Oh, so one of their players is a delicious Biscuit. Sounds like whoever plays them is gonna get some good homemade delicacies to eat. Oh, and I hope he is a Cracker Barrel biscuit. Those are the best. Let me quickly slap on a [insert team playing Team USA] uniform. Finally, in the net, we have two youngsters; C.K. Supernaw and Tyler Ward. Because they are young, I will not roast them as they have not yet ripened to the appropriate age. This is your one free pass. Don't mess it up.

Canada

TEAM CANADA Canada

Ahh, the nicest people on Earth. That is, if they are not playing hockey. Let's put it this way. If they are in the skates, either get out of the way your your likely to find yourself face first into the ice. These men & women give 0 craps about who you are and what team your on. If your not on their team, then be ready for a [fist]fight. The Canadian offense are being led by Rotticus Scott, and Devin Basher; defensively by PBJ Souppon. I wonder if he's secretly a coupon for soup? That or he's related to PK Subban. And to round it out, they are led in the net by Philip Weaver and Damien Vertigo. Joy, a goaltender with the last name of Vertigo. God help the Canadians when he gets put in. That's all I'll say. Whilst Canada may have some of the best hockey players in the world, I don't know if I'd feel too good about there being some random soup coupon (how?) and a goaltender whose dizzy half the time. Ok, to be fair, their captain's name is Rotticus. 10/10.

TEAM BRITISH ISLES Ireland

Ok, do I have to do these guys? I'm about to do team DACH next, and I'm sure they are 10x better than these clowns who "claim" to have invented the sport. What do you mean they did? Scotland did NOT invent hockey, Canada did. Simple facts. Please see my lawyer for further complaints. ...I still have to do them? Fine.
Some of the more outstanding forwards amongst the tea-lovers' ranks include great and jolly men whose names I cannot pronounce such as Kynwyl Pearce, Bas O'Bigbers, and Pablo Salavatici. The Brits are known for one thing though, their defense. And that, my friends, is being led by the man simply known as "Bane". I don't think I need to say anymore. The men in the net will be Leo Bloomfield, and Gor- *cough*, I mean Peter Ramsay. Hmm. I wonder if he's related to the chef. If he is, TV crews better not put a mic on him or whoever censoring is gonna get carpal tunnel from pushing the button.

TEAM DACH

Alright, so this is an interesting combination. The Austrians, Swiss, and Germans all together as one. Ironic. Anyway, this fearsome, thought-you'd-never-see coalition is led by a formiddable offensive unit, headed by Panda Panico (Panicy Panda?), and Parvel Kharlamov. Defensively, the reigns are led by Bud Wieser (yes, the very same), and a WJC veteran, Elias Kierkegaard. In the net is Cale (ew) Amundson and Nicolae Antonescu. As a bonus, their goaltender is made of Ca- I'm sorry, Kale. Which no one likes. I wouldn't be surprised if anyone got within 5 feet of him on the ice considering the fact that lots of people gag at the sight of the delicious plant (Yes, I love it). Hmm... need some filler. Oh, I know. I think it's gonna be harder for them to win because of the Swiss. Why? They are historically neutral. And Austria is just... Austria, I guess.

Czechia

TEAM UCORCAL Russia

(aka Team Russia)

Ok, so yes there may be players from the Czech Republic and Latvia mixed in; but let's face it folks. It's Team Russia. And this time they aren't stupid enough to get banned from the tournament for doping. Or are they? We will never know. Conspiracy theories aside, this team is handled offensively by Rikki Petrov and Simon Takshak. Interesting name, I know. Their goaltenders, who happen to be Thor Odinson (minus the lightning) & Name Redacted. (Actually an agent of Men In Black, so we can't say his real name.), are guarded by a defense led by "Fleetway" Super Sonic, and Slimey Snail. Ok, I'm calling hacks right now. How on earth do you get the God of Thunder, an MIB agent who polices and monitors alien activity across planet Earth, a blue hedgehog faster than the speed of sound, AND a snail, A SNAIL, on your team.

Sweden

TEAM SWEDEN Sweden

I'm not really sure what to say about the Swedes. Their sweet? Hey, I'm an American, don't give me that look. I may be writing a Hater's Guide, but it's not like I'm a geography major. I mean, it's a hockey country. What else can I say? I can say one thing, someone on this team seems more Canadian than Swedish, and that man being James Kimanje. He will put his body on the line for you, and doesn't mind roughing someone else up and sitting 5 for you either. On the defensive side, one of the only female players in the WJC this year, Emilia Bergman, also plays a highly physical game. In the net is Jon St. Ark & Jerry Huuveri. Why does Jon St. Ark sound like a college? Not sure, but I'm sure of one thing. The Swedes are a brick wall. Something I have high respect for in this era of high-scoring and inflated offenses. Looking at you, NHL.

Finland

TEAM FINLAND Finland

I know just as much as I do about the Finnish as I do the Swedes. The only difference? The Finnish people have fins. What do you mean no? Look at their name. They have fins, they are just hidden. Why do you think Finnish players play so physical? It's from their pre-evolutionary form of sharks. No, I'm not suggesting humans evolved from sharks, but maybe the Finnish are so good they aren't even human to begin with? In which case that'd make them more in tune with water, which would make them better on ice, which makes them better than the Swedes. Please direct all salt to my lawyer. On offense, the fish people are led by Valtterri Kauppinen, Jean-Uthred Ragnarsson-Tremblay, and Jesse Seppanen, defensively guarded by Aumy Jr. and Igor Victory, and goaltended by Mat Smith and Ragnar-Alexandre Ragnarsson-Tremblay. Seriously, I wonder how Mat Smith ended up on this team. I mean, his name just seems too... generic. We have 2 sons of Ragnar, and someone whose last name is literally Victory.

norway

TEAM WORLD Shl

First of all, how on earth did Norway end up here. I mean, I guess if the Finnish & Swedes are separate then they have too as well. God knows putting those 3 teams together is heresy and punishable by death to whoever did it. Will they ever stop hating each other? (Spoiler Alert: No, they won't.) Also involved in Team World is the... Japanese? Interesting, didn't know they had a team. We also throw everyone else who isn't a member of the nations involved in the other teams in here. I'm apart of this team, technically, being an Aussie, but back to buisness.
Why not go backwards? I mean, this team is already unusual. Holding the fort (goaltending) is Valtteri Aalto and Bigga Foryu. No, I did not say THAT word. I just said his name very fast.
On defense they are led by Bork Lazer (who has lazer vision), Yuuto Kira Cloudera Jr (who shall now be known as simply Cloud for purposes of saving my mouth), and Tanjiro Kamado. Finally, on the offensive side, you have the Milk Man himself, Milk Mann Jr. Also starring Kenji Sugimoto, and Grapefruit Lizard. Yes, he is a lizard. That is the size of a grapefruit. We just give him Mega Mushrooms every day to get him to the appropriate size. Wait, doesn't that make us like the Russians?

VERNAL'S JINXING PREDICTIONS

Alright, so for not knowing much about this tournament coming in, I was able to put a surprisingly well-seasoned steak, I mean, guide together. Now comes the best part. The jinxing predictions. Who do I think will take it all this season?

Gold Match Prediction:
Team Canada vs. Team Finland

Gold Medal Winner Prediction:
Team Finland

Bronze Match Prediction:
Team USA vs Team DACH

Bronze Medal Winner Prediction:
Team DACH

I think the people with the Aqua Affinity enchant on their helmets will win it all. The Canadians will come up just short because for some reason they decide to behave like Canadian citizens and play nice at the WORST possible time. The Americans and the... DACHians? Yes, we'll call them that. Anyway, they follow just behind but don't get enough to get into the Gold match, however the DACHians get redemption over the Americans, who ate one too many hamburgers for lunch.

Now let's pray I'm not wrong and we end up with Canada vs. USA. God knows they need yet another medal.

Please direct all hates through my DMs on the website and the Discord. Or feel free to counter-roast in the Thunderdome. But ultimately, the best counter-roast is to win it all. I'm looking at you, British Isles.