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Moreorless89 · 11-12-2020, 04:49 PM

(2513 words)

"When I was drafted, I was the longest of long shots. The general managers should get a medal, or the key to the city, for drafting me because I don't think anyone in their right mind would look at Luffy Richard (a player created by an inept English Major that took two full seasons to learn how to properly update and still bungles his tweet claims [but shhhhh there is no Simulation. This is the real world]) and think that he could help their club. You know, I was really down on myself. Confidence was shot, my last three marriages in ruin with the next three looking to be the same. I mean, what do you expect when you let high schoolers get married? And so I'm eighteen, not even tuned into the draft, ready to become a coal miner in California (no one told me that wasn't a viable career where there isn't any coal) when I get a phone call that I had, in fact, been drafted by the Vancouver Whalers. Well, if I didn't jump over the moon right then and there. I think I could have jumped out of the solar system I was so excited. I ran straight into my parents' garage--where I had been living-- backed a bag full of clothes, and went to my lifelong friend's house, Kay Bee"

"Yeah, I thought you were going to cry you were so happy."

"I was not going to cry. I have too much toxic masculinity. It is my shield from any uncouth emotion that might cause me to look deep inside the emotions I've locked inside myself since the moment my pet moth flew away."

"Yeah, okay Luffy. Anyway, I was having no luck as a sports reporter in our town. And I felt like I needed a change of scenery. At that moment, I felt crazy hitching any sort of rented mule to the anchor that would probably be Luffy's career--"

"Hey what the--"

"Let a lone hitching my star to the bum. Look, I've known the kid for a long time. We played in diapers together. We got detention together. We got shot down by all the ame girls together. If there was anything two friends could fail at together, we failed at it in the say way penguins fail at flying. But penguins can swim. We needed to find our swimming. I guess Luffy Lucked into being a decent-sized kid who could move when the mood was upon him, and I was lucky that he got drafted so I could actually have some sports news to write about. I didn't know if these two things could be our swimming, or tap dancing according to the documentary Happy Feet, but we had o give it a try."

"I didn't even invite you. I came over to tell you the good news, and you hijacked it because you were tired of being a paperboy. And we didn't get shot down by the same girls, I just told you that so that you wouldn't be so hurt. So yeah, I burst through his bedroom window and we have ourselves a merry little hobbit dance on his bed like Return of the King, and he starts packing a bag too. It was around this time that I started to wonder if this was some elaborate prank by my high school coach who got mad at me for all the times I missed practice because that's when re-runs of the power rangers were on (my priorities were a little mixed up because I was going through a quarter-life crisis or something). So I had Kay Bee call the Whaler management to confirm that I had in fact been drafted."

"So I ring the front office in my most reporter-esque voice and got the skinny on Luffy Richard, all incognito style. They confirmed that they had made a mistake, but there was no take-backs so they were stuck with kid. I told Luffy this, and--"

"I almost went straight over the moon again. It wasn't a mistake--"

"I mean, technically--"

"I was in fact a Vancouver Whaler. And it only took us like a half hour to find where Vancouver was on the map. Who knew there was anything above Crater Lake, Oregon? I sure didn't, but there is like a whole other country up there just living their lives unaware that the greatest thing since mediocre became a category for athletes was about to storm across the border. That was me. Luffy Richard, perennial fourth-liner. That is ne line above water boy, who I've had to compete against my entire career to keep my spot in the line-up. He's a feisty twelve-year-old. He bites really, really, really, hard."

"Okay, Luffy calm down. So we packed our bags and went to the airport, but turns out we had to take a bus. I haven't taken a bus because the high school buses always scared me, and I just rode my bike everywhere. It took about an hour to find the bus depot, and then like a week or something to get up to Vancouver. I have never hated a small contained space full of people more than I hated those people on the bus."

"Weren't they your cousins?"

"Yeah, that's why I hated them. Of all the damn luck, we have to spend endless days with those philistines. I swear. I guess that was my karmic balance for Luffy getting drafted."

"It wasn't all bad, we got to see a lot of cool things like the redwood forests, and people from Seattle. I expected them to be more grungy, but whatever."

"Luffy and I make it to Vancouver and we are greeted by his shy kid named Sato, and this ther guy who kept screaming 'chug chug chug' but I couldn't see where the bottle was--that wouldn't stay a mystery forever *shivers*."

"Yeah, I and Sato end up being really good friends. I taught him all about Canadian history and took him under my wing. Which was a bad idea really. Look, if anyone here was around during season fifty-four and paying any type of attention to my season, you now I was shredded ass. Like, the stink of my failure still clings to me--"

"Then take a shower--"

"to this day. Sure, I scored nine goals, but I wasn't a presence in the locker room. I wasn't present anywhere. I was a ghost and I have a feeling that the general managers were pretty close to cutting me and sending me into the realm of the inactive. [a realm that doesn't exist because there is no Simulation. this s the real world. players move on they do not become inactive or retire and sent to a digital graveyard. everything is fine. keep smiling. There is no Simulation.] And that ould have broke my heart. I was so excited to start here in Vancouver, and I just seemed to fade away. For two seasons I was an anchor weighing down the Whalers who were already trying to rebuild and they needed all hands on deck. Luckily or me, I had encouragement from Sato and management and I began to turn myself around and start training and earning. In my third season, I began to hit my stride and broke double-digit points for the first time. The Whalers went on a tear. At first, it seemed as if we were going to be relegated to the bottom of the league again, but we really showed some Moxy in season fifty-five being the best team in the second half of the season, and even sweeping our first playoff series. Heck, I even was a heavy contributor to that sweep. It helped that someone convinced the Toronto North Stars to take a chance on me. That was two teams willing to see what this scrub could do."

"A miraculous number, to be sure, Luffy"

"So now I have a swagger on me. The management team in Vancouver had drafted solidly and made some pretty nifty trades to make us one of the most dangerous teams going into season fifty-six. If there was any doubt for that you can check out the team's stats for that season. We are (were) a historic team, with thirty-nine wins and the most sensational rookie goal-tender the league has ever seen. It was truly an exciting season for the fans, and all of us in the locker room. I really hit my stride this season. I had twenty-eight points (thirteen goals and fifteen assists) and was once again (in my opinion) the leading defensive forward on the team (I have to toot my own horn because I'm not a flashy player and only my mom cheers for me). Of course, I had to check my ego at the door after two seasons of being ass and take my place on the fourth line, though on any other team I would have been on the top lines. Credit to the general managers for having such a stacked team that they could have max players driving the bottom lines. I'm a team-first guy at heart, so I did as I was needed to do, and what I needed to do was check hard and chip in on offense. Cinderella doesn't have as great a story as I do. I was a one-armed boxer. A no-trick pony, a one-legged dog trying to keep up on a walk--and then I wasn't. I was Luffy Richard, the guy that got thrown at the opponent's best players to slow them down. The kid who could score as much as he could block pucks with his face."

"I don't even know how you have a face anymore. I saw so much rubber bounce of that iron dome of yours I was starting to think the league had change the rules and every time someone hit you in the face hat got a goal. I had to check with the Head Office--they could neither confirm or deny my suspicions."

"So anyway, you insufferably key-clacking nerd, my career has taken me to this moment, where you can see my profile [he means ring. there is no Simulation] that I have some new hardware. My only hardware actually, besides that one awesome team award I have on my fridge. What a run that was for us. We saw some clutch performances from Coyote, Burke, Rotti, and some real gamesmanship from the general managers. Carolina gave us some trouble, especially Bluntman, but we overcame adversity and the fear that one of the greatest seasons in league history might end without the four-star. But we did win the cup, and I like to think I was a big part of that, though my line did have its struggles at times. I have nine points in seventeen games (five goals and four assists) as well as nineteen hits and sixteen blocked shots. Though, I had an unsightly minus-four, which was tied for worst with the only other guy who was a minus. I don't know what really happened there except one bad game in the finals where my line was on the ice every time the puck went in. That's how it goes, I guess. I'm glad I bounced back and was able to assist with Sato's game-tying goal in game six. I really hope I left my mark on this cup run, but part of me will always be disappointed that I didn't contribute even more. I guess I still have a chip on my shoulder after years of mediocrity, but we won the cup, and that is the most important thing."

"What a night that was. That overtime goal had everyone dancing in the streets. Good job not screwing up in overtime."

"Shut up."

"No, you."

"So, I've ended my career with thirty-four goals and twenty-nine assists for sixty-three points in two-hundred games. I won't be in any record books, but I'm glad the last two season trended upwards, showing that I was a good reclamation project. I also had seven goals and six assists for thirteen points in twenty-five playoff games. Not the worst for a fifth-round pick. Who knows, I might just end up being the best fifth-round pick of all time. A guy can dream, can't he?"

"I think dreams are all that's keeping you in the league, Luffy."

"You're sleeping on the couch tonight."

"Damn."

"Well, I guess it is time to say goodbye to the Vancouver Whalers. What a great city Vancouver has been to me. Management has been amazing. William Hartmann was amazing, and it's a shame that he spent his years during the rebuild, and wasn't with us for this cup run. My first captain will always have a special place in my heart because he never complained about the team's struggles. He just went out there and played his game. He set-up the attitude that helped us march our way to the Four-Star. Your name might not be on the cup, but your spirit and leadership are. Sato, always believing in me and helping me up my game. You are the greatest friend I have on this team, and I can't wait to hit the ice with you in Toronto. Cal, always kept things loose in the locker room and never let us down by letting in that first show. Shuff, the elusive, thanks for keeping things on lock. Dani, you were a beast. Zeb, I've never seen so many breakaways from the slowest person off a bus. Snail, you are a credit to all things slimy in the world. Koopa, it's past your bedtime, so go to bed. Dee, it was fun being on your line. Sorry for all the penalties I took. KOBO, don't let people knock you out, and you'll be okay. There are many more, but I want to give a special shout out to Bud Light Lime Bud Light Lime. I mean this from the bottom of my heart. You are the greatest of Whalers, and your legend will only continue to grow. I think I speak for every Whaler who has ever Whalere'd in saying that, we hardly knew you, brother. Luffy Richard, out. I will see you all in Toronto. You better keep your heads up, because I can't wait to crush some of you when we meet again. I will never forget my time in the J. I hope none of you ever forget me."

"You sappy bastard."

"I hate you."