[this is my first article as a rookie]

Hello everyone, let me introduce myself. I am Puddles O’Duck. You may have heard of me, you may have not. Either way, I am going to give you my story and a completely unbiased, scouting report.

First, let me get the awkward moment out of the way. I, Puddles O’Duck, cannot play in games that are on Saturdays in the fall. This is due to religious reasons. Why religion you ask? Well, first off, you are breaking anti-discrimination rules by doing so. Regardless, I will answer because I am a good teammate, and I am not ashamed of what I worship. My religion is the University of Oregon’s football team. That is right, if you thought my name was familiar but could not put a pin in it, I am the Oregon Ducks’ mascot.

Now, on to my “how did I end up here” story. As you are aware, there is a global pandemic going around. It’s kind of a big deal. As a result, my once loud and booming home, Autzen Stadium, is now empty. There are no fans and my services have been deemed unnecessary for the near future. This has given me a lot of free time and I need to stay active or I will end up becoming a lazy goose. My initial thought was to fly down south to Arizona where my adopted father, Gunner Thorbjornsson, is the GM of an ISFL football team. However, that seemed like an easy fall back and one of my 2020 New Year’s resolutions was to be more adventurous. So here I am, trying out for hockey teams without ever stepping one foot inside a hockey rink. Now, on a scouting report that I totally did not make by myself. This is a compilation of the pros and cons I heard about me when I made the announcement that I was joining the SHL. Again, I did not just make these up myself, otherwise there would be no weaknesses because I see myself as perfect.  

Strengths:

• Upper Body Strength – if you are unfamiliar with the Oregon Football Team, then you do not know that I do 1 push up for every point scored. This number is exponential too. After one touchdown, I do 7 pushups, after the second touchdown, I do 14 pushups. By the end of a high scoring game, I have done upwards of 150-200 pushups. That requires very good upper body strength, which I have thanks to years of conditioning and training.
  
• Balance – my webbed feet give me extra stability. It’s basic physics, the more surface area that touches the ground, the more my weight is distributed. The more my weight is distributed, the hard it is to knock me over. Your team will also save money on equipment as I do not need to wear ice skates due to the claws on the front of my webbed feet. These essentially act as blades and allow me to grip the ice and move laterally better than most humans.
  
• High Energy – long story short: I am just happy to be here. I will give 100% all the time. That is a personal guarantee. You need to run to the locker room to grab you a new stick? I am on it. The Zamboni driver got called out for a family emergency? No worries, I will clean up the ice real quick like. Someone being aggressive towards our star player? You know I’m finna body slam a fool.
  
• Never Gives Up – no matter how much we are down, I will not hang my head. It is not over until the fat goose honks. I have been the catalyst for many a comebacks as a mascot. Sure, I was not actually playing in the games, but my presence and never say die attitude played a part in it.
  
• Hype Man – as admitted above, I never actually played. But I did the dirty work. I got the team amped. I’ll waddle up and down the bench quacking and squawking by feathery tail off. I am your quote on quote “locker room guy”. Playing time, or lack thereof, does not bother me. I am just happy to be involved and I will promise the other teammates will be happy to have me around.
  
• Crowd Favorite – I am a mascot. Everyone loves me. I am a marketing executive’s wet dream. I basically sell myself. The only thing people love more than cute animals, is cute animals doing human activities, like playing sports. You do not even have to give me the licensing rights to my own likeness. I will do it for free because I just want people to love me.
  

Weaknesses:

• Lower Body Strength – let’s be real…I’ve got sticks for legs. Sure, I am bottom heavy but that’s mostly feathers (or at least that’s what I tell myself when I look in the mirror). But at the end of the day, I literally do not have muscles in my legs. This may be a problem in scrums. It is something to consider.
  
• Does Not Like Being Cold – okay, maybe a red flag since the sport of hockey is played on ice. I think the equipment guys can come up with a way to keep me warm. It will be a necessity or my instincts will take over and I will begin moving further south until I am in a warmer climate. The worst part about this is that I cannot do anything to improve here. It is not a matter of training or heart; my body will take control of my brain and force me head for the heat.
  
• Only Known Duck Who Cannot Fly – not really a big deal for hockey, since the puck is almost always on the ground. However, I do want it to be known that, due to by abnormally large size, I cannot fly like normal ducks. I only bring this up in case you have some grand scheme of my flying into the arena with an American Flag as this will not be a possibility. I can provide other ways of entertainment and marketing, but this is not one of them.
  
• Has Never Played Hockey Before – okay, this is definitely the biggest red flag, but that is what the minor leagues are for, right? I have no problem staying down in the minors until I become more familiar with the basics. This probably drops me to the bottom of everyone’s draft board, but luckily for me, I decided to join the league after the draft.
  

So there it is. Give me a chance and I will make you look like the smartest GM in the league!