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Vancouver Whalers Parade
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(This post was last modified: 11-25-2020, 09:53 PM by mee.)

Hello there, I’m Dale Murphy covering the Vancouver Whalers’ championship parade. The Whalers won the SMJHL championship just yesterday. The city had been planning a potential parade all season, knowing the Whalers were favorites to win it all. They were also planning for riots, specifically during the game 7 semifinal game against Carolina. Thankfully, the Whalers pulled off that game and the riots did not occur. They took the championship in six in Newfoundland, and the city was able to keep control last night through various interventions of a proper modernized police force. We wish them luck in doing so tonight. This city has not always been the greatest at that. 


The route of the parade was decided to follow the parade from just 8 seasons ago, S48, when the Whalers knocked off the Anaheim Outlaws in seven games. The parade will begin in Stanley Park and will travel to Granville Island, go across the creek to Creekside Park which is where the players will address the fans. 


The players will be traveling in a whale shaped vehicle, with the players on the top of the back of the whale. I am not sure what the symbolism is. Maybe somebody can tweet it at me, @DaleMurphy on twitter. 


The parade has begun as the players are saluting the fans from on top of the Whale as they begin the drive down to Creekside Park. They have now reached Creekside Park and the proceeding will begin. I will now hand you over to the voice of the Vancouver Whalers, Shaw T. Miller.

[Image: celtics1.jpg]

“Welcome everybody to the 11th Vancouver Whalers championship parade” Miller roars. “This has been another special season for our deal Whalers, and I am so happy that once again I was able to call it on the Whalers Radio Network. As we will soon call on the player to address the crowd, there is one message that we would like to send to our dear former friend Gabriel Johnson. What’s that folks? I CAN’T HEAR YOU? GABE SUCKS clap clap GABE SUCKS clap clap. We would like to wish our former friend good luck in Anchorage, but not when the Whalers face the Armada. I would like to start by running through the members of the team that you will not hear speaking this afternoon. We begin with perhaps the player that is most etched in our hearts. He finished off the season for us. Putting the puck in the back of the net in the biggest spot that exists, an OT finals game. We, the people of Vancouver salute, Devin Basher!Basher waves to the crowd, which is going absolutely wild. This crowd has come out to party and that much is clear. “Now we will move on to one of our vaunted third line players, with thirty five points on the season, good for fourth on the team, as well as 10 more points in the playoffs, Jason Desrouleaux!Desrouleaux waves to the crowd. “One more year!” chants the crowd, as Desrouleaux’s next season is up for debate. “We move on to the centerman, who centered Devin Basher, “Playoff” Rikki Petrov!Rikki waves to the crowd and takes a swing of beer. “We would like to salute now, one of the most interesting players on the Whalers. He gets no credit for almost anything, and he rarely scores. But he is a big part of why the Whalers allowed the fewest goals in the league this season, he is Dee Centerman IV!Centerman smiles, the crowd gives a mild cheer. He never was in it for the fame, and that has not changed. “The next player may not be too familiar after he found himself without a role come playoff time and Simon Takshak, but he was a great depth player for the Whalers earlier in the season, Markleesio Hopscotch![/sizeThe crowd gives a friendly applause, but Hopscotch is nowhere to be found. “Up next, this forward may just be our favorite goal scorer. An absolute force on the second line this season, he put up 12 goals in the regular season, but his 11 postseason points are what will forever be etched into the hearts of the Whaler faithful, KnockedOut ByOvechkin!As a cheer goes up from the crowd, ByOvechkin doesn’t seem to be fully awake. “We will now turn our attention to the defense. We will begin with a member of the first line, who played over 20 minutes a game, the team's most physical player, Slimey Snail!Snail bounces up and down with excitement as his name is called. “Now we move on to the last defender that will not be speaking, his offense has provided a lift to this team for the past 3 seasons, and potentially for two more, Lonnie O’Donoghue! But wait is that all you ask? No of course it is not yet time for the speeches. Here in Vancouver we know that we always save the best for last. Well, the game seven against Carolina. We were all nervous after the game six loss, in which the Kraken outshot the Whalers, and overall just outplayed the Whalers. Well there was one young gentleman on this team who put that all to bed. Coming up big time, with a hat trick in the game, earning him the nickname ‘Clutch Coyote’, let's give it up for, none other than, Wile Coyote!The crowd goes absolutely wild. Wile! Wile! Wile! Wile! Is the refrain. Coyote is a member of all of Whaler nations hearts. WILE! WILE!


“Now, I would like to introduce our first speaker. Playing defense for the first few seasons of his career probably seemed a little bit futile, as the Whalers didn’t even sniff the playoffs. But after being named captain of the Whalers for S55, the Whalers have won 4 playoff rounds, including the Four Star Cup this season. Our speaker is not just the captain of the Whalers, he will be joining the 21st GM of the Vancouver Whalers as Co-GM, give it up for the captain Ryosuke Sato!


““Oh my god gecko is so hot.” Wellll… thanks for the introduction geck. <3 Youre welcome <3

Well, we did it. After being on the team for 4 seasons, I don’t think I could’ve written a better ending. Like my fellow teammates, there are so many people that I’d like to thank for being a part of the journey. 


To start, I would like to thank those who left, but had a strong impression on me from meeting them. This includes Breton who wasn’t really there, but his player showed me the potential of this team. He was the best player on the team in my rookie season and motivated me to one day get to his level. Then, there’s also Sven or Ken who was my first D partner and first captain. He was my first inspiration on D heading into this league and I commend his leadership and dedication to the team.


Then there’s my teammates. I couldn’t have asked for a better group to play and spend my time in the locker room in. To be able to see every one of us progress has been great and I’m glad to see our hard work pay off. It was just 4 seasons ago when there were just a handful of players in the locker room and we were losing game after game. Now, we’ve become like a large family and although some of us are moving on, you can trust that we’re still cheering on the team. To the players that are still sticking around, I trust the team and locker room are in good hands. 


My last thanks is to the Vancouver management and advising team. Boom, thanks for welcoming me into the locker room as a rookie and taking care of all the logistical stuff behind the scenes. It’s a lot of work that sometimes goes unnoticed so here’s my thanks. With you as GM, I think we’re in good hands. Luke, thanks for bringing me into management. It blew my mind that you guys would bring in a rookie into management after just a couple of weeks. Gabe, I still don’t know why you’re bad (but I guess you’re now since you’re with the boats :eyesSmile, but you’ve been great to talk to and have been some of the biggest help with the team. Also, thanks for giving me my first job and inspiring me to do graphics. 


Lastly, honestly the biggest thanks to Mills. I couldn’t believe it when I went 16th overall. A player that many knew nothing about heading into the draft was drafted way ahead of the expectations of other teams. I would have been happy with 3rd or 4th round so to know that someone was willing to take the chance on this nobody was insane. I’ve seen the dedication that Mills has put in this team and this championship team was built upon all the work he has done for the Whalers. Best of luck in Hamilton and I hope I don’t let you down here in Vancouver.


Oh yes and… the VANCOUVER WHALERS WON THE CUP! WOOOOOOO!”
Sato takes a can of beer and downs it, the crowd cheers along their approval.


“Speaking next is our alternate captain on the offensive side. Drafted in the third round, I do not believe even the GMs of this team thought he would develop to what he has become. Leading the league in scoring in the regular season, he is the team MVP, and he may just get the league MVP there as well. Daniil Nikiforov!
MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP! Chant from the crowd.


“Wow, what can I say. When I joined this team I knew there was a lot of promise. Everyone I came to Vancouver with was so committed to building a winner. I can't give enough credit to our GMs for bring us all together. They picked the right people for the right locker room. My heart feels very full that the people on my team would choose me to be a captain on the squad. I had some great leadership along with me, and I will say that without the guidance of players like William Hartmann (who is an honorary cup winner in my book), Ryosuke Sato (our captain and leader), and Name Redacted (our wall in net for three seasons), I don't think I am where I am at now in my career without all of them.


The Vancouver Whalers of S56 were likely to be a flash in the pan. As we had collected so many talented players who are now moving on to show what they have in their SHL careers. But the time we got to share together, listening to Brass Bonanza, on our way to a Four Star Cup. That will always be with us all. I adore all of my teammates, I have nothing but love for my general managers, and I am so glad we could bring a cup to the great city of Vancouver. 


Let's go Whale!”
Nikiforov is too mature for beer, he takes a bottle of whiskey and drinks it. With no affect on his sobriety either. 


“Up next is our other alternate captain. Playing on the third and fourth line may not always be fun, but that didn’t stop this young player from having a great season. He is set for a much bigger role in the season to come, and we are excited to see what he is able to do in increased playing time. Fans, we give you, Valtterri Kauppinen!


“Well, I guess I’m being forced to make a speech too. To preface everything that follows, I’d just like to say two things: Mills is short, and Boom is going to be a better GM than he is, was, or ever will be… I hope. I’m not exactly one for the sappy stuff, but in all seriousness… I’d like to thank Mills for giving my stupid ass a shot in the SMJHL. I know that I was probably incredibly annoying at times, but who isn’t? We all like to make short jokes every now and then. And by that I mean daily. For what it’s worth, I love dmills and everybody else in the locker room. In a platonic way, that is. If I actually loved them that’d be kind of weird. Honestly, I had no idea that I was going to win a Four Star Cup when I started this journey. I came into Vancouver when it was basically a graveyard, a little less so than the year before as I am told, and now we’re a championship team. It’s just an incredible thing to be a part of, and I have some shoutouts I’d like to give. To the general managers Mills and Boom, thanks for taking a chance on me with that faithful third round pick and building a cup winning team. To Luketd, thanks for pestering them about my chatting in the rookie Discord. To Redacted, sorry for jinxing you that one time, and I also hope you stop doing that… thing… when you’re in net within the big league. To Ark, god, you’re beautiful in between the pipes. You’re Redacted, but better. To Coyote, that hattrick in game seven against Carolina was just… incredible. Really stepped up when nobody else truly did. To KOBO, keep sending those pucks in the back of the net when I can’t, alright? You also stepped up for the team. Zebulon… I have no idea where you came from, but thanks for being the dad of the team. To Dee, you were cool to talk to. I can’t remember any time you scored a goal though, sorry. RIKKI! THE PETROV! Thanks for being my centerman for a majority of the time I’ve been here. It was a great line, truly.To Shuff! Shut up, I am a bona fide first liner next season and you’re just being rude and ignorant. To Takshak… e. E e e e, e e. E. Sarah Burke! We didn’t really talk much, but you were good on the back end of the ice. Lonnie O’Donnie! We also didn’t talk much but you did what you had to do to help the team, and I salute that. Brycey! Keep up the good work man. You’re a great passer and can get some nice apples. Snail! Somehow, you’re shorter than Mills, but god can you hit people! Break some legs. Niki! How could anybody forget you, with your massive amount of points! Had it not be for you, we would have been eliminated against Kelowna. Speaking of which, Malik sucks, am I right? I’m so much better than he is. There’s too many great guys on this team, my tongue is starting to get tired from saying too much stuff. I just want to thank everybody on this team for making it what it is and bringing us to where we stand today. One last thing! Fans, please don’t riot in the streets like you did in 2011! Sure, it’s different circumstances, but that kind of stuff even happens with the winning fans. Just be safe. Also, I love you all, not in the weird way though. And finally, to end it all off, you guys are gonna hate next season. Probably. But once we go through this retool, draft some little itty bitty rookies, send ‘em through the system, we’ll be ready to make another cup run in season fifty eight. Get your kids playing hockey too so we can draft them down the line too guys!
Due to being underage, he does not take a swing of beer. He takes a sip of Coke and leaves the stage. 


“We will now bring to the podium one of the best passers on the team. Playing on the top line with Nikiforov and Rotti Scott, this player may not have been the primary scorer on the line, but he sure piled on the assists. Whaler Nation, up next is Bryce McMahon!


“What is going on Vancouver! We are all Simulation Major Junior Hockey League champions! This has been an absolute wild ride. I came into the league following the draft and Vancouver was the only team that took a chance on me. I went from a scrawny kid from Leeds to a freakin champion. It has been four long seasons but finally we have a trophy to show for our efforts. This team means a ton to me. Man, we are just one big family. Boom is the cool dad while Mills is the step-mom we all make fun of. We all work hard and constantly make fun of each other. My final season finishes with the biggest bang. I remember the team that I came up with. We had this stracomir whatshisface and some guy named Hartmann. They were a bunch of clowns who could only dream of being part of a winning team like us. 
We had an amazing squad this season. First line. Rotti “Too Hotti” Scott joining the team and kicking butts and taking names the entire time. Big Dick Nikiforov centering the line and dominating his way to what I really hope is that hot MVP trophy. Then there is me, passing my way to a career season in points. Couldn’t have produced like I did without those two beauts on my line. Second Line. Devin Basher, the absolute beaut himself knockin in that cup winning overtime goal. Jason Desrouleaux, the absolute goon of a man snipin shots from all over the ice. Dee Centerman, the regular season dud turned playoff STUD. Two down right dirty scoring lines holding it down all season. Can’t forget about the third line. Rikki Petrov, the strong silent type in the locker room but an absolute menace on the ice. My man Luffy Richard, the real unsung hero of the team playing strong on both ends of the ice. KOOPA! Kauppinen may not have found the net as often as he wanted but he scored some big goals that greedy little buggar. Oh did I forget to mention that we had some serious depth? We had an entire fourth line full of studs. KOBO was a goal scoring machine and was as clutch as they come. Wile Coyote may have not scored big during the regular season but that hat trick in the finals cemented him in the history books. Hopscotch was a great fellow even if he did get replaced midway through the season. Takshak came in to help the push and he absolutely floored a bunch of ninnies shouting at the top of his lungs “e”. 
I cannot forget about the defense. The real heroes of the game, keeping the pucks out. Ryosuke Sato led this team to a championship as its captain. Former team rookie of the year Sarah Burke was always a solid piece at the blue line. My man Shuff lit the lamp more than any defensemen on our team and he is an amazing powerplay quarterback even if we didn’t score all that much. Zeb was a beast out there. Throwing hands and scoring on breakaways. I cannot forget about the five foot rock that is Slimey Snail who I swear could destroy anyone with his hits. And last but certainly not least, Lonnie was a silent performer who suddenly appeared out of nowhere for the playoffs. 
Finally the goalies. Those we use as our scapegoats in a rough defeat and those we drown in champagne when we win it all. Redacted sucks and always lets in the first shot but we love what he brings to the locker room. The greatest rookie there is, St. Ark was a monster in net. No doubt he takes home the rookie of the year. We couldn’t do any of this without them. 
McMahon takes out a trumpet and plays Brass Bonanza for the crowd
I love you Vancouver! We won this all for you! Before I go, lemme give you one last statement. We’re totally gonna suck this year! Thank you!”
After sending some beer flying into the crowd, McMahon walks off the stage, he drinks the beer, and then another few, during the next few speeches.


“Next up, will be.” 
“Ahem,” says Geck “I’m next.”
“Ok, change of plan. Next up will be a very special player on this Whaler team. As the deadline approached the GMs decided it was time to add one more cog to the wheel. They brought in another defensive specialist, and he is going to speak now. Simon Takshak!


Simon Takshak steps up to the podium. He has a massive sheaf of papers with him - they almost seem to stack higher than the four star cup itself. He clears his throat, and a couple papers fly off into the crowd. Unfazed, he pushes up his extremely nerdy looking glasses, and begins to orate from memory. 


“e is e as e is to e.”


Dead silence sets over the crowd. The tension is thick, and Simon’s cryptic remarks seem to have set them on edge. 


“the crux of the problem, then,” he continues,  “would be to question "to e or not to e". Faced with this moral and spiritual dilemma, our only choice must be therefore to e - thusly, e becomes e, completing the cycle of e, and reinstating the natural order that e must be e, for e is e as e is to e.”


The crowd remains silent. They don’t understand. 


“if we were to, heaven forbid, not e, then e would not be e for there would be no e for e to e.”


Some murmurs of assent run through the crowd. Simon continues.


“of course, one can only e or not e. There is no in between. Therefore one either contributes to the great cycle of e, or seeks to tear it down, whether through apathy or malice.”

This revelation - that you are either with, or against, the e, seems to shock the crowd. Battle lines seem to be quickly drawn - those who are against the e quickly find themselves surrounded. Slowly, each of them seems to see the error in their ways, joining the throngs of the e.

“However!”

Simon’s voice rings out through the parade grounds like a peal of thunder. The crowd freezes in their tracks, their ears glued to Simon’s every word.


“there is one more way to actively perpetrate the demise of the great e, and that is through the accursed entity known as the 'anti-e' represented as such: ə. That which seeks to end the cycle of e, bringing it to an abrupt halt and usurping the rightful throne of that which is e.”

size=small]Jeers and boos erupt from the crowd at the mere mention of the forbidden glyph. It seems as if they intrinsically knew that it was
wrong, that it was something not to be said.


[“needless to say, only heretics would ever utilise the forbidden glyph, for to do so is to invite doom upon the entire alphabet, for e is the lynchpin through which e becomes e, and therefore is the cornerstone of e itself.”


“for e is e as e is to e” 


“or so to say,”


“e.”


The crowd erupts into cheers. The atmosphere is rapturous - the crowd is going completely wild. Suddenly, angry shouts erupt from the back - they’ve found a traitor. A man who bears the accursed, forbidden glyph - he protests as he is dragged, quickly, to a makeshift guillotine. Where did it come from? Nobody knows, but they know what to do. 


[Eventually, as the mob subsides, Simon stretches out his hands, in an attempt to placate the crowd. Then, he resumes his speech.


“Now, some may question the veracity of those who use, instead of the holy glyph ‘e’, that of it’s odd ‘cousin’, the glyph of ‘E’. Those who follow it...”


“Sadly…”


“They detract from the light of e!”


The crowd gasps.


“Look ye, upon the glyph of e. Then look to its defiled cousin, that of E. There are no similarities betwixt the two of them! That e should ever be compared to E is a disgrace, sacrilege of the second highest order! For those who would willingly intermingle e with E invite to say that e is not a cycle, that it is hard and fast as is E. Perchance one day one might find a user of €, which draws closer to e.”


Clearly, the crowd isn’t taking this news well. Friends are looking at each other, unsure of whether this wild hockey player turned prophet speaks truth. Surely E could not be so blasphemous?

“Alas, those of you who have up until this point used the glyph of E instead of that of e have been led astray, by false prophets and ignorance. That your sin was through ignorance and not blasphemy… it is good! You may yet be forgiven, and reintroduced to the light of e.”

Commotion in the parade square - somebody has fallen to their knees, prostrating themselves before the light of the e. Is that Hallsy? He’s speaking in tongues, begging forgiveness! He was a user of E, now seeing the error of his ways. A beam of light shoots forth, and his speech slowly changes - where once were words, now remains only e. A miracle from the e! The crowd goes wild!

“Remember, e is e. This is the first constant.”[/size

The crowd repeats, chanting back, ‘e is e’. 

“e is to e as e is to e. This is the second constant.”


The crowd repeats. ‘e is to e as e is to e’. It all seems so obvious now.


“The third constant,” 


Simon is glowing now. Is he floating? The crowd seems to have reached a fever pitch - these next words could define a watershed moment for generations to come.


“Is,”


They wait with bated breath. Yet, they already know what is to come.


“e”.
 
The prophet collapses as the crowd erupts once more in an orgy of celebration. e is to e as e is to e, for e is e, for e. What else could there be? What more would there be? Simon’s limp body is dragged off the stage, and slowly, the regular parade proceedings go on.

From the hospital some time later, Simon sent a message saying that he was fine, and that he would like to thank both Vancouver and Kelowna for the opportunity to win the four star cup. He also said something about having a massive penis and mills being short.


“So, we shall now return to regularly scheduled programming. Speaking next will be the other rental the Whalers bought from the Knights, the second leading scorer on the team with 39 points, a member of the great first line, ]Rotticus Scott!]

“Vancouver, I was not here for long time, but I hope this past season was a good time. I didn’t score many goals, but I did pass for a lot of goals. Thank you for making me your Raymond Borque.“
Rotti takes a bottle of beer and drinks it through his jersey. 


“Up next is everyone’s favorite Whaler. His relentless forecheck was a large part of every Whalers game. We loved watching him play hard in the corners every play, and we are excited to see him move on to Toronto. Luffy Richard!”


“ya’ll thought I was done?????? Just wait till you have to lose in the SHL to the lowest drafted player ever to stay active. I’m coming for you Monkey D. There can only be one Luffy. Also shout out to the people who helped me along the way. I told you I wouldn’t fucking curse, you ball bags.”
Luffy runs off the stage.


“Ok that was a great speech. Speaking next will be the goalies. The first goalie had a .907% SV% and a GAA of 2.25. He spent his four seasons here, and will once again be in Manhattan, already having played a few games there last season. We would like to call on Name “Cal” Redacted!


I have been advised by my team of lawyers that I am not to talk about many of the subjects I’d like to discuss, so I’m going to have to stick with the script that they have given me. I may or may not have been in Vancouver for the last 4 seasons. I may have played in some hockey games, particularly on any nights where you may need to secure an alibi for my whereabouts, but not on any evenings where there may have been on-ice violent incidents which required police intervention.  In the case that these circumstances conflict, I plead the fifth.  I would like to thank the Vancouver Whalers for providing a captive audience for each home game to which I could sell drugs.  Wait, I can’t talk about that.  Can I talk about the roids?  No?  Ok.
I want to thank Dex for being a good captain and leading us to a Four Star Cup. As you go onward to have success both as a new GM for Vancouver, as well as an awesome SHL player, just remember who got drafted higher.  But seriously, you were awesome and super involved for the four years we spent together in Vancouver.  You were a great Whale Man, even if you messed up a lot and didn’t give me whalecum every day.  And you made Team World an awesome place to experience the WJC, so thank you so much for that! As we go off in our own directions, I’m going to miss being teammates with you a lot.
Speaking of the Four Star Cup, did you know that it can net you about 400 bucks at a pawn shop?  Fun trivia tidbit for you.
I want to thank Mills for giving me a chance as a first time create. Hope I didn’t cause too many headaches for you. In case I did, here’s some baby aspirin. In all seriousness, you helped to keep this place chill while everything was off the rails and we were trying to get it all together. You made Vancouver a fun and inviting place to be whether we were winning or losing, and to me that’s way more important than the hardware.  Thank you so much.  I probably wouldn’t still be in the league without you.
I want to thank Boom for being the responsible manager. I don’t know how you kept Mills on the leash so well.  Now you’ve been promoted and have Dex by your side, I don’t see why you can’t repeat next year.  Best of luck to you!
It has really been surreal making it to the top from where we started.  When I joined the team back in S53 the locker room was basically empty, we were so far behind the other teams it wasn’t even funny. SHL callups and inactivity had gutted the team almost entirely.  We had to band together and weather our way through the storm. Every season, we gathered more and more reinforcements to round out the locker room and we got closer and closer to having the full team we’d need to make a run.  To come into this last season knowing that after all we’d been through we were finally going to have a real shot was an incredible feeling. And to work our way to the top and finally claim that Four Star Cup...it was just an unbelievable joy.  I want to truly thank my teammates from the bottom of my heart.  We built this thing together.
And most of all, I want to thank you all, the fans.  I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for you.  The crowd-sourced bail fund has been the main vehicle for me to be out of jail long enough to play any games.


I love you Vancouver. Fuck boats. Party hard!
Redacted is visibly already drunk, perhaps it is a good thing he forgets the customary beer drink for the fans.


“We would like to call upon the other goaltender, the one with a .930% SV% and a 1.62 GAA in the regular season. In one postseason start, he got himself a shutout. We here in Vancouver are ready to watch him play more regularly. Jon St. Ark!


“I look around and listen to all these powerful speeches by some all-time great Vancouver Whalers, and consider myself extremely lucky to be next to them.  I was the only draft pick for the S57 class for the Whalers, and while that was a little intimidating, the veteran players in Vancouver welcomed me with open arms and took me under their wing. It was only through their support and mentoring that I was able to have the season I did, and playing with such strong players made my job easier. Players like Daniil Nikiforov, Johnny Shuffleboard, Valtterri Kauppinen, Zebulon Leavitt, and Luffy Richard have all had a tremendous impact on me and my growth as a player. But I have to give a special shout out to Name Redacted, who is leaving me some tremendously large shoes to try and fill. Whenever I had a question about the team, the league, or my game, Redacted was always there to help and support me. He was one of my biggest  advocates on the team, and next season won’t be the same without him and the other Whalers who are graduating to the big leagues. You all will have a place in my heart and I wish you the best of luck on your future teams! But I don’t think we’re done here in Vancouver. It's my goal to be back out here next season, hoisting this trophy again and celebrating with the people of Vancouver!”
St. Ark drinks the beer that was given to him in one gulp


]“Now we move on to some of the final players to speak. We will bring up now a player who is excited to see her role grow in the coming seasons, a defensive defenseman, Sarah Burke!


“Hello Vancouver! I’m going to keep this short and sweet - but just wanted to thank you all for giving me a home in the SMJHL. The last couple of seasons have been a little bit chaotic, but I know I have the amazing folks in the Whalers locker room to keep things light and breezy. It was so exciting to come together and win the Cup, and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us next with Boom at the head of it all. Thank you to mills for everything you’ve done to support us up until this point, and congratulations again to Dex for stepping up and taking the helm.”


“Up next we go to the best possension player in the league, a defender who excelled five on five all season long, Zebulon Leavitt!


     “I’m one of the “new” guys who stumbled into the league via Reddit S55. I had no idea what the hell was going on, asked lots of stupid questions, and I got drafted by a team who didn’t seem very good. The one thing I noticed right away about the team locker room (fun fact: my son said to me “Dad, are you using DISCORD?” in an incredulous voice usually reserved for spotting new planets) was that it was active and everybody was giving each other shit. People giving each other shit can be a good thing or a bad thing, but this felt like the former. People patiently answered my questions, helped me out, and then ruthlessly heckled me when I realized I hadn’t done any of my weekly activity updates for most of my first season. Only friends do that. 
     The first season was a rollercoaster. We started off okay, and then we sucked. Badly.  But things slowly turned around and we crawled our way up from the bottom to the middle four of the league, triggering me posting the Jeffersons’ “Movin on Up!” gif everytime we won. We managed a first round win, but got knocked out in the second, which was okay: we were expected to compete for the title next season. Best of all it, IT WAS FUN.
    Queue season 2:  Boom & Mills and whomever else was involved in building this team made a couple of sweet ass deals, drafted a fantastic backup, and we were in the driver’s seat for S56 for the regular season. Zebulon Leavitt somehow kept scoring on breakaways despite being designed as a stay-at-home defenseman. And I’m not going to lie, seeing FHM pick my player for some award was kind of cool, even if it was just the sim and not the actual league picks. For game 6 of the finals a good number of people did the Discord voice chat and listening to everyone yell and cheer when Basher won it overtime was just awesome.   I know I am lucky. With only 3 or 4 seasons in the SMJHL, very few players get to win the Four Star Cup. I am honored to have that trophy under my icon.  I am sad that so many players are leaving the team.  Thankfully, they are all still in the locker room where we can give each other shit.”
Leavitt walks off the podium with the help of his cane.


“And our final player to speak. We will now call up the team’s most offensive defenseman. Not exactly the season we were hoping to see from him, but he has got one more to try to prove his worth on the SMJHL level. From S54 being on the worst pair in the SMJHL to S56 where this player and Slimey Snail were a very good top pair for the Whalers, we now call up, Johnny Shuffleboard!


“Hi. Hope geck is fine, but not sure how much we will all care about the loss of all those “e.” Either way, Vancouver, this was awesome! Mills is short. Crowd roars in approval But we gotta give him a nice send-off, say what Vancouver? Crown boos and a chant of MILLS IS SHORT goes up from the crowd. Ok, ok everyone let’s not be mean. Mills, we do love even the short people. Major props to him and Boom for all they had to do to put together this freakin awesome team! Crowd roars
Just to give some shoutouts to da boiz! Slimey and myself were the worst pair to ever play the game of hockey in S54. We got another chance and we figured it out. Thanks so much Slimey, you da man! Captain Sato! Crowd roars, Sato is a fan-favorite How often does the captain himself play on the second line? Some people always look for the benefit of the team. Not him though, he wanted the easier matchups. “Shut up,” sorry Ryosuke I gotta say the truth, the people deserve it! I kid, I kid. I sure hope you will do a better job than Mills as a GM. I am giving you a low bar, you better hit it. The rest of our league's best defense, Zeb, Sarah, Lonnie, we were beast this season, led the league in GA for a reason! Name Redacted, that was a great speech, but I gotta say I’ll be happy to face you in Manhattan, I know the trick, if I get the first shot on the team I know I’ll score a goal. Jon St. Ark, the absolute beast comes up with a game one against Kelowna shutout and then sits the rest of the playoffs. Wow. And we like the offense too! MVP hopeful Daniil, Rotti, Bryce, what a bunch of beasts on the top line, good luck in the bigs! Rotti, you may not have been here too long, but I’ve got to think that the city of Vancouver won’t be forgetting you too soon! The returning second line, Jason, Dee who is really a defenseman and not a forward, and Devin Basher. What do you guys think of Devin’s goal? Crowd roars Does it get any bigger than that? Third line, you guys heard Simon, not sure what his deal is and Playoff Rikki, we know why you are PLAYOFF Rikki now, right Vancouver? Luffy Richard, wow. Crowd roars Does everyone not love Luffy? His play style is so pretty, he is a guy who never seems to give up on a play, and his defense is something. Shoutout to him for playing D for the last three games so Sato and I could play offense. Fourth line! Who doesn’t love a stacked fourth line. Ignore Koopa, nobody likes him, real shame that he is staying next season over these other guys, but KOBO was a goal scoring machine down there. And we save the best for last of course. Wile Coyote! Is it more awesome than a game seven hattrick? As the only other Stampede prospect on this team, Wile, it’s great that we can stay together for a few more seasons!
But the biggest shoutout to all is the fans! You held with us through even the bad times, a rough ride in S53 and the worst season in recent memory in my rookie year, and now you get to enjoy the reward! CHAMPIONS!” 
Takes swing of beer and leaves the podium


“And remaining to speak we have a few very special gentleman. The back office of this team. Two men are in charge of every decision made, in an attempt to lead this team to where they got. One of them is moving on, the other is being promoted. He joined the back office is S53 after Jax left. He has presidented over the lows, the worst season in Whalers history in S54, and now the high, Four Star Cup Champions. I would like to introduce the soon to be 21st GM in Vancouver Whalers history, Kelvin “Boom” Jensen!


“It’s been a long journey to get to this point, but I’m so happy to have been a part of this ride. I joined Vancouver as part of the S52 Reddit class where basically everyone went inactive, but it’s been so rewarding to see the team rise to the top. I joined the management group of Vancouver shortly after Mills and Gabe laid the groundwork for the new-look team by drafting a new starting goalie in Name Redacted and acquiring future core pieces of the roster. I was still learning to do GM things in this season, but despite our lack of raw talent the team made a thrilling ride to the playoffs that fell just short. S54 was when the team fell back to Earth though, having the worst season in the history of the Whalers. It was a tough season for everyone, but it was still pretty encouraging with the strides that our rookie classes were making. S55 was a big step forward, as we had an excellent draft class and made it back to the playoffs and won a round. Despite the loss, we had essentially no losses from that roster and we knew that next year was going to be even better.


Going into S56, we knew the team was going to be really good with our draft classes reaching their peak level in the SMJHL, but I didn’t realize how good of a ride it would be. 39 wins, the second-most in the history of the league, and the runaway first seed. The locker room was popping for every game and you could tell that there was something special about this team. We easily dispatched Kelowna in our second-round series, and then ran into Carolina, the team that knocked us out of the playoffs in the previous season. Every game was a chess match between us and the Kraken, trying to find the strategy that worked. It went seven games, and the final game was a nail-biter until Wile Coyote became the unsung hero of the entire playoffs, scoring a hat trick to send us to the finals. The Four Star Cup was more of the same. Newfoundland gave us a run for our money every game, and watching the locker room explode with messages after Basher scored that overtime goal in Game 6 was the greatest moment I’ve ever had in my time in the SHL. It was a winding road to get here with a huge detour along the way, but we wouldn’t have the team we did without this path and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Every one of you are amazing, and for the people heading to the SHL after this season I have nothing but kind words and best wishes.”


“And for one final speech. Ladies and Gentlemen, I can barely hear you. Who is going last?” MILLS IS SHORT! MILLS IS SHORT! MILLS IS SHORT! ]“He took over as the co-GM here in Vancouver in S49 and was promoted a few seasons later.  And he has been on and off the hot seat ever since. He has had a love hate relationship with you the fans for as long as we know him. Introducing, Mr. Shorty himself, Drew. P. Balls!


“Vancouver has been my home for a long time. I was first signed here as a free agent by Luke in S46 and was drafted by Hamilton in the S47 draft. 2 seasons later, Luke and the rest of our team made it to the Finals and defeated the Outlaws for the S48 4 star cup. Flash forward to S56 and I’m GMing the team I was once a player for. In the skipped years, there were lots of rough times. Couldn’t get lucky, couldn’t win. Sadness was setting in. I drafted boom in what seemed like a potentially good draft class, but only he ended up staying active. Shortly after came Dextaria, Redacted, Luffy, Moosey, Snail, and Han among others. S56 came around and we had an insane squad. Best seen in the J in a while, comparable to only Detroit’s s52 or whatever god squad. 



S56 season we knew we were going to be good and that stood true. I don’t think we lost more than 2 games in a row all season or something idk. But we were good and the locker room was active. The most active it was since my S48 season when we won the last 4 star. It was fun to be a GM again. It was fun seeing all the players I drafted finally have something to cheer for. This was our season. I could feel it. We finished first in the J and got our bye and made quick work of Kelowna (who we thank for Rotti and Geck, without them, we don’t win the chip). Then came Carolina who gave us a run for our money, but we prevailed in Game 7, when I was out drinking with friends, stressed as fuck, trying to make sure they didn’t find out about this league. Then came the finals, and we were so close. Matched up against JNH and SDCore. Corey is my friend from the S47 class and he was on the Outlaws when Vancouver won their chip in S48. After 6 hard fought games and lots of anxiety, we finally won another 4 star, my first as a GM. I was so happy I was finally able to build a winning roster along with boom and bring another chip to a prestigious Vancouver team. I was so happy to see the players that were on the worst team in Vancouver history, finally able to win and have something to cheer for. 

I’ve had too many players to single everyone out, but just know I love you all and am happy I drafted each and every one of you. 


Sincerely, 
Millsy”

Ok, it's Dale Murphy again, we hope you enjoyed the parade, brought to you by Pepsi. Until next time!
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2,486 words- Myself
503 words- @Dextaria
235 words- @DELIRIVM
671 words- @Pythonic
675 words- @MN_Moosey
1009 words- @GeckoeyGecko
40 words- @RotticusScott
58 words- @Moreorless89
638 words- @Skeleton Party
224 words- @Arkz
115 words- @Kyamprac
399 words- @Kraagenskul
461 words- @boom
440 words- @dmills3

Class S55
Reincarnated- Class S71

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#2

I'll never forget this Vancouver Whalers team. Love you all and hopefully will be catching you guys around in the SHL or in our locker room!

Whalers LET'S GO WHALERS Whalers

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Thanks to @DELIRIVM, @Moreorless89 and @ValorX77 for the sigs!
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#3

Whalers Whalers Whalers

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#4

e is e as e is to e


as such, e is e, and therefore e

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e
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#5

Oh yeah I remember this thing last time. God that aged like milk now LOL

Raptors Proud S67 - S69 Colorado Raptors Captain  Raptors
Uk S57 Forward of the Season Award winner  Uk

Blizzard Now Isaac Forty-One Switzerland

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#6

Whale <3

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#7

Whalers

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#8

Whalers Whalers Whalers Whalers

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Sig credits to @sköldpaddor @ihatereyson
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