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Pasta The Turtle: Who exactly is the Spaghetti Reptile?
#1

There has been a lot said recently about Newfoundland Berserkers and recent Edmonton Blizzard draftee Pasta The Turtle. Everyone in Newfoundland, me very much included, loves him, as he consistently brings us pasta-related information, cheers the team on during games, and is just a general delight that I always love being around.

But is he truly what he claims to be?

See it always raises the initial eyebrows when you see a hockey playing Canadian turtle made entirely out of Italian cuisine. But his play on the ice more than speaks for itself, as he became a premier shutdown defenseman in the SMJHL, and his strong play in his own end, especially for a rookie, was a large reason we reached the semi-finals of the Cup.

“But Slavakov, everything you’re saying makes Pasta seem like he’s as amazing as you and everyone have said he is.”

Correct. See we’re not looking at his character, but rather at exactly what he is. See, I think everyone that’s met him has accepted that he is a shelled creature made out of, well, pasta. But we’re focusing on the turtle aspect of his name, as I do not believe he has been entirely truthful, because I, Slavakov Vladimirashenko, believe he is in fact.

A tortoise.

Now, yes, if you were reading this while standing, make sure you sit down as I’m sure the wind just left your body. But I believe I have plenty of information that backs up my assertion of his tortoisy-ness. First of all, and possibly the least damning piece of evidence I have, I invited him to become a member of the turtle club, which he did politely decline. Is it possible he is not familiar with the classic Dana Carvey movie Master of Disguise? Perhaps. But it is still suspicious that someone designated as a turtle does not consider themselves turtle-y enough for the turtle club. My second piece of evidence was the annual Newfoundland pool party. Of course, being in Newfoundland, the party was on the only day of the year it is warm enough to swim outdoors. Everyone was invited, but Pasta was the only member to decline, saying he had to take care of a “fettucincident”. Now turtles are known for spending most of their life in water, whereas tortoises are land creatures that very rarely, if ever, get into water. Considering that hockey rinks are frozen water and don’t serve the same purpose as running water in regard to a turtle’s natural needs, it seems bizarre a turtle would pass up the opportunity to swim in a pool. Now the next thing that threw me off are his legs. As a defensive defenseman, he clearly has not skipped leg day as he has very large legs, perfect for keeping your balance while you knock another guy off his feet. However, turtles have small little flippers, whereas tortoises are the ones who have the big muscular legs. Finally, there is Pasta’s diet. His diet consists solely of pasta and veggies, which inherently has nothing wrong with it, vegetarian diets are perfectly healthy. But tortoises are known for being herbivores, while turtles are omnivores. No one to my recollection has ever seen Pasta eat meat, and there is plenty of meat to go around the Newfoundland locker room.

While being a vegetarian is not strange on its own, it’s the combination of that, his strong legs, and lack of desire to swim that leads me to believe Pasta the Turtle is in fact Pasta the Tortoise? What does this mean? Well absolutely nothing. Tortoises are a subsection of the turtle family and Pasta is still an incredible guy, an asset to every locker room, and a hell of a hockey player. But what it does mean is don’t believe everything you hear, otherwise that sentient piece of spaghetti may not be the reptile he says he is.


(651 Words)




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#2

Sota speaking the truth and not being alfredo the truth in seeing Pasta for what he truly is. I've had my suspicions all along.

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#3

Sota really spaghetts what Pasta the Turtle is all about.

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#4

Pasta with the jumbo shells throwing macaroni elbows
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#5

We traded up for a guy who isn't even telling the truth about who he is?

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#6

One man's turtle is another man's tourtoise
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#7

Sotakov going to literally eat this pasta reptile

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#8

I don’t know what In the world I just read....but I like it
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