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Carbohydrate Reptile [2x Draft Media]
#1

Flashback to before S58 started, before the SMJHL draft had occurred. Before the thought of a carb laden turtle was a fever dream in the minds of the most open minded SHL fan. A family of turtles was huddled around their egg as it hatched. In a scene reminiscent of the most dramatic telling of the ugly duckling, what crept out of that translucent shell was....not a normal looking turtle. Thick powerful scaly legs tore the shell apart, and the green shell became apparent. Momma and Daddy turtle were initially aghast when they saw the shell was filled with pasta, where a normal turtle body would be. In a dramatic shift from the aforementioned parable, the doting reptilian parents did not shun their unique spawn. They instead sensed his greatness and drove him to pursue tasks that most turtles wouldn't dream of. Indeed the carbohydrates provided an unrelenting source of energy (a true power if you will @Sopath). Indeed this fueled the Developing Turtle, as his shell developed into an impenetrable husk, his legs grew into powerful tree trunks, and his cranium developed into a remarkable strategic asset. While these tools developed, they had not yet been matched to their true calling. In fact, it was not until many years later that the aptly named Pasta the Turtle found his true love: hockey. Indeed Pasta was out for a leisurely stroll when he started gliding across a pond that he was not aware had frozen over. As he struggled to regain control, he noticed that several good Canadian kids had availed themselves of the sub zero surfaces to engage in a game of hockey. What happened next is a story that is sure to be immortalized in the annals of the SHL Hall of Fame. Pasta sensed an incomprehensible attraction to the frozen piece of black rubber being distributed between the mishappen twigs that the soft mammals were holding. "This is it. This is the task my form was created for. This is why the most high Lizard King has put me upon this Planet." Immediately, as if in a scene from a Super Mario speed run, Pasta began rapidly spinning as his legs and tail receded into the safe confines of his shell. As if a magnet towards a metal puck, the game was ground to a halt as the path of the puck was constantly interrupted by the spinning mass of bone and pasta. Indeed the goalies did their best Kari Lehtonen impressions as they yawned while resting on their uprights as every netward shot was deflected as if magically by the blur of a possessed Turtle doing his best Koopa impersonation. As the frustrated kids left the ice, Pasta retreated to his home. On the way, he was intercepted by an SMJHL scout who sold him in the glory of the SHL. A timid and reluctant Pasta agreed to have footage of his performance to SMJHL GM's.
Fast forward a few months and Pasta is watching a live stream of the SMJHL draft. He had a few conversations with some of the scouts, but few were interested in having a cold blooded animal grace their hockey team. All save one. The discouraged Turtle saw name after name being called, round after round. "The disrespect," he thought quietly to himself. What happened next was a blur. Newfoundland Berserkers select Pasta the Turtle. He had been around most of Turtle Island but never so far as Newfoundland. After hurriedly hugging his parents, he was shuttled over to his new locker room, where his teammates showered him with spaghetti, penne, and macaroni. Curiously one of his team mates felt it was apt to through ramen noodles at him, but Pasta chose not to respond to this slight. As the introverted Pasta absorbed all of this spectacle a hulking Russian walked up to him and asked "What's your fandom?" Pasta trembled as he responded "V-v-v-v-ancouver C-c-c-canucks sir" Half of the room erupted in cheers, many proceeding to flip over nearby police cars. The giant Russian merely grunted in approval, then followed "What do you think of Thatcher Demko?" Gaining confidence, the Turtle rolled up his right sleeve to show off his recent Demko tattoo. With the official approval of his captain Vaseline Podcalzone, Pasta knew he had made it home. Hindsight would reveal that major motivation for the cash strapped Berserker GM's around room and board. "The Zerk house is full, but I mean, turtles have shells, and I'm pretty sure they live in them" mused co-gm Juke. "The guy is made of Pasta... I'm pretty sure he doesn't need to eat much. Would that be cannibalism?" an increasingly introspective nhamlet philosophized. 
Fast forward through a successful rookie season where he set records as the highest scoring reptile in the history of the J*, Pasta resolved to get over the heartbreak of the team's semifinal loss. He focussed his efforts on the upcoming SHL draft. In a draft that featured a couple of fish as well as a Turtle, Pasta was hopeful that his performance on the ice would prove helpful in his SHL aspirations. While interest was sparse at first, Pasta worked hard to make a case for himself, committing to multiple media interviews, as well as personal workouts. In the end, much to Pasta's surprise and joy, the GM team of the Edmonton Blizzard decided to make a late push to secure the rights to the first Turtle ever drafted to the SHL. Indeed, as Pasta looked around at his fellow Blizzard draftees, he agreed with prognosticators who heralded the group as "most likely the best ever draft class by any team in the history of the damn league."
Shortly after the draft, fellow Berserker and future Blizzard Slavakov Vladimishjsgyfyehhjmfc supported Pasta as he felt the time had come for him to reveal his true identity. Indeed in a world that was barely ready for a Turtle to play hockey....could they possibly be ready for said turtle to actually identify as ....a tortoise? Time will tell if the community of the SHL will continue to be as accepting now that I am finally ready to tell the world that PASTA THE TURTLE IS INDEED A TORTOISE. I appreciate my brother Slavakov for giving me the courage to be my true self, as well as for my GM's for standing by me despite me not being completely authentic in my presentation. 
*this has not been fact checked, but everyone should just take my word for it
1149 words

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#2

PASTA MEDIAAAAAAAAA YESSSSSSSSS

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Thanks @teztify, @simo_393 , @Ragnar , & @frijolhead for the sigs!
Russia Argonauts Berserkers Russia Argonauts  Berserkers 

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#3

we had bets going on behind closed doors, totally called him being a tortoise. thanks for making me a millionaire.

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#4

Turtle or Tortoise we got your back.

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#5

Art.

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