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***SchwarzNarr*** · 05-09-2021, 03:15 PM

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Introducing Melvin Majestik-Moose

Deep in the woods of Sweden, many moose make their way across Ångermanälven river near Junsele. It is in these woods that one moose was looking to bond with relatives, but as he spent time here, vacationing during the football off-season, he began looking to make connections with his long distance relatives. While Melvin had become a sensation in the football world, both as a linebacker and General Manager, he happened to know very little about the world of hockey. In fact, short of Daria sharing her love of the Red Wings with him, he felt completely isolated. The one thing that moose had become very adept at, however, was skating on the ice. As a long time friend of Adelie de Pengu, the two had spent time together in Antarctica visiting Adelie’s relatives. Melvin learned quickly that he needed to navigate the ice if he was going to continue to hang out with his penguin friend. It took a bit, but now Melvin is able to glide across the ice like a natural.

He has had an incredibly successful career so far, winning numerous awards, and having playoff appearances in the ISFL. He began his career after a mishap at Bjorn Ironside’s manor while celebrating an Ultimini win with his former owner, Daria Guava-Fresca. She had found Melvin when he was still young on Isle Royale, and she cared for him every summer until he eventually moved to live with her while she attended college. Following her into her professional career, she was able to become an incredible kicker who was an integral part in helping the team achieve victory in the Ultimini. After the win, however, she refused to share her cake with the poor moose. One thing led to another, and Melvin soon found himself locked in a cell, trying to negotiate with lawyers and discuss that the rules of law do not necessarily pertain to him, as they were written with humans committing the crimes in mind. As he was a moose, he could not actually be charged with the crime, and therefore he was released. However, the nickname that followed him for years to come was Melvin Murder-Moose. As he ventured overseas and attempted to begin his SHL career, he hoped to change this perception of himself, and instead focused on being as Majestik as possible.

After two seasons as a General Manager, he began looking into other avenues for entertainment and vacationing. He made his way into Sweden, visiting his distant relatives and looked to learn more about them and their heritage before his life ended. As he found himself there, he realized that it was in time for the great Moose migration, and he decided that he would take this journey with his brethren and use it to learn more about them.

After a trek across the river, Melvin sat in the woods with his cousins, wondering about connecting with them. “Hockey,” one of them finally said. It was where Melvin realized that he had the time and resources to dedicate to a new adventure, and so the large quadruped decided that it was time to learn about hockey. While he was faced with many questions about what the best position would be, or the easiest position for someone new, he was left with a resounding bellow of “Not a goalie,” (whatever one of those is) and opted to continue as a defensive player, leaning on his ISFL roots.

As Melvin began looking into the rules of hockey, and more about the sport, he started to get even more excited. While sacking a quarterback is always fun, the thought of being able to slam another player into the boards, or even fights, made the reformed murder-moose grin with joy. Coupled with some wise advice from one of his cousins, “Don’t pass to the player, pass to where he or she is going,” Melvin realized that offense would definitely not be his strong suit. The depth perception and ability to lead a throw or pass of the puck would definitely not be his strong suits. But stealing the puck from others? That was something he was willing to try. He knew it would be difficult to get used to the idea of offsides, and continual plays, without actually making a plan before the start of each play, but it was an adjustment he was excited about making.

There were fewer markings on the ice than there were on the field, but it seemed as though that was something that would be easier for Melvin to grasp, until he learned of some of the more common, and to him, bizarre rules. Like not being able to pass the puck over two lines? Melvin comes from the land of Colorado Yeeti, where the goal is to throw the ball as far down the field as possible. He was baffled as to why one wouldn’t be able to just hit the puck as hard as he could down the ice. The fact that all of the plays stopped, when tried to get the puck down the ice faster left Melvin even more confused than ever before. Clearly there would be a lot to learn before he would be able to actively understand what was happening on the ice as he played.

Watching a few games with his dear friend, Melvin felt hopelessly lost being unable to follow the puck on the ice, his eyes weren’t the greatest after all. He wished that the FoxTrax system would return. Daria lauded about the joys of seeing the puck turn from blue to red, depending upon how fast it was going. He wished more than anything there was something to help him understand this newfound sport. When he began practicing with his cousins, they continued to chastise him for throwing the puck with his stick. After all, they said, this wasn’t football but hockey, the puck should stay on the ice. It seemed weird, but when in Sweden, do as the Swedes do.

One of the first differences that Melvin noticed was how a play began. In football, one team has the control of the ball, and while it was his job to try and stop them or get the ball, they weren’t the first ones allowed to touch it. Instead, in hockey, everything involving the puck seemed like a fight (not to the death, he hoped). There was this thing called faceoffs, and it was utterly bizarre that you had to fight to get control of the puck during any part of the game. Melvin was starting to like this new sport he was going to try. Supposedly, as his cousins tried to teach him, there was a slight home team advantage during these face offs, where the visiting team’s player needed to put his stick down first, but he wasn’t sure he quite understood why it was an advantage. It made Melvin quickly realize that he did not want to be the player who needed to do faceoffs. It sounded like something that just wasn’t mean for moose.

As he watched his cousins play, and watched older SHL videos, one thing that was clear was that sometimes the face off player was getting removed from the position. When he asked, his cousins shared that it might happen for a variety of reasons. The referees had the ability to kick a player from the face off if they weren’t positioned properly, they were taking too long, someone lined up offsides (this one Melvin understood, it was a penalty he had committed before during the football game) or players got too close to the circle and touched players on the other team. He thought the last piece was a little strange, as he had seen many players hugging members of the other team. Maybe it was only during certain times of the game you could do that.

It seemed like games lasted the same amount of time as football, but he was also confused, as they only went through three periods. Where was halftime? How did you not have a performance on the field during the premium games? Additionally, while the actual play time was identical, it seemed as though hockey moved much faster than football. There were fewer times where the clock was stopped and players were able to just stand around. This would be an adjustment, and the moose realized he was going to have to work on his endurance and stamina if he was going to stay on the ice for a very long time.

The next thing his cousins felt pressed to teach him, was about icing itself. He wasn’t sure why he would need to learn how to turn the rink into ice, he was certain it only required colder temperatures, but after hearing some giggles from his cousins, he realized that he had misinterpreted this piece of information. Icing, he soon learned, was when you sent the hockey puck all the way down the rink. As long as the puck didn’t pass both red lines, then you were good, otherwise you had to have another faceoff on your end of the rink. It seemed a silly kind of penalty, as there was the chance you would win the puck back and still be able to score right away, but Melvin supposed it did make it harder for your team to defend if you were already close to your goal.

As he started practicing, his cousins would often call offsides on Melvin. This led to some arguments, at first, as he firmly believed that you could only be offsides at the start of the play. He quickly learned, however, that offsides occurred whenever the player with the puck let the puck enter past the blue line before a player on his team did. Offsides being called on the offensive team? It was strange to Melvin, but this was the big moment that led to him realizing that he was going to need to make the swap to a defensive player. He couldn’t imagine trying to move the puck and knowing whether or not it was legal to do that.

Eventually, he got to the part about penalties in hockey. Melvin was used to penalties, he used to commit quite a few as a young player in the ISFL, but he just expected the puck to move down the field some. He realized, quickly, that in hockey one was removed from the game for small periods of time for committing a penalty. The fact that these players were even put into a kind of jail, or isolation chamber, definitely made him wary about committing them in the future, but he also had a hard time understanding why. As Melvin learned more about the penalties, he was just left slightly baffled about some of the penalties, and would he even be able to commit them as a moose? Would the rules of the SMJHL be changed for him in the future, or would they just do their best to apply them to the four-legged fiend. For instance, Melvin couldn’t exactly elbow a player, but he might definitely get into it with them with his Antlers, depending upon the time of year. Maybe even with one of his four legs. The more he thought about playing on the ice with others, the more worried he became.

As he started to read further, he began to learn more about the position that he had decided to play. With there being two defensive players typically the team (Melvin thought this was too small a number, after all there are eleven defensive players for football), it seemed fitting that Melvin and his best friend, Adelie, decided to create at defensive positions together. This didn’t mean that they needed to be on the same team, but Melvin greatly enjoyed being able to practice with his penguin pal. As he read further, and learned more about what these goalies are, and what a goal is, he realized that this sport is not nearly as high scoring (and maybe not as exciting) as football. The fact that there was a defense and then someone else to stop the ball, I mean, puck, from scoring seemed bizarre and foreign to the moose.

Melvin had grown worried about his stamina and ability to stay on the ice the entire time, but his cousins assured him that this wouldn’t be a problem, he was conditioned enough from football to translate well into the world of hockey. There were only 20 players on a roster, which seemed very small, but the total number of players on the ice at any one time was only one more than were on the field for one team at a time. So clearly, smaller rink, fewer players. It was different, but at least starting to make sense. With this, teams typically had two goalies, and 18 other players skating signed up for the team. He wasn’t sure why teams would need 6 defensemen on the roster, until he began to learn about something called lines. He had only heard of these in reference to gambling before, and he was fascinated learning that there were different combinations that coaches could put together to help determine when and how a player might be on the ice. As he learned that the best defensemen were put onto the ice when the other team's best forwards were on the ice, he hoped one to see his name there, as one of the best players on the ice. He could imagine himself with Adelie being a ‘shut down pair’ in the distant future, but for now, he was just hoping to find a team and find a home.

Learning the Lingo:

Melvin started hearing many different words being thrown around, and while he thought he understood what they meant, he was suddenly left feeling perplexed about the way that they were being used. He made sure to write down the words and phrases, so he could go back and look them up.

Apple: He wasn’t sure why there was so much fruit provided during the games, but as a hungry moose, Melvin wasn’t going to complain. They needed some sugar, so maybe they ate the apples right before they went onto the ice.

Barn: This is where most animals live, and one of the buildings that Daria had made for Melvin before she passed. It’s where he typically slept each night when he wanted to be more outside, than in. The barn is probably where the players lived when they weren’t on the ice. Or maybe it is what they called the locker room. He was sure they smelled as bad as some of the other barn animals he has shared accommodations with.

Biscuit: Delicious food. Melvin wasn’t supposed to have them often, but he couldn’t resist a good treat now and again. Biscuits were the treats that players used to stay energized during the game. Carbo-loading.

Breadbasket: Another thing that Melvin shouldn’t have, but he indulged frequently. Breadbaskets were clearly what the players gave to one another to welcome them into the league.

Celly: He wasn’t sure what this word meant, but Melvin knew that he had to throw his hands into the air in order to be able to do it. He was a frequent celly-er, and loved to demonstrate it in pictures.

Chiclets: These delicious candies were something that Daria purchased for him, she said they gave her a lot of nostalgia. He’s not quite sure why hockey players would need them, though.

Coast to Coast: Melvin knew what this meant. It was when the hockey players would travel across the coasts to get to the next game. Typically, he assumed, the player would use this when they were playing far away teams and needing to pack early for that Coast to Coast game.

Fishbowl: This must clearly be referring to the hockey arena itself. Or maybe to the plexiglass that was used to cage in the players. Melvin wasn’t quite sure why they needed to be walled in and unable to leave the ice, but he was sure that there was a good reason. As he thought about it, though, he wondered if this was what the ice rink was called when they would melt the ice, after all, it would turn into water.

Grinder: Melvin was pretty sure that this was an app that was not suitable for moose. He decided to leave this one alone and venture into other words his cousins were using.

Mitts: Melvin didn’t know a lot about sports that weren’t football, but he was pretty sure that mitts are a baseball thing. Maybe his cousins were talking about playing baseball too, and not just hockey.

Plumber: Something that Melvin never needed, as he doesn’t use toilets, he wasn’t quite sure why it could mean anything different in the SHL, but he was also very confused as they were not talking about plumbing while referring to it. He decided this one was best left alone.

Ride the Pine: This was clearly the hockey lingo for going snowboarding. It wasn’t something that Melvin had ever been brave enough to try, but considering that most significant hockey towns were in the lands of ice and snow, he was certain this was the only thing it could mean. Melvin firmly believed that he would never ride the pine.

Twig: Twigs are delicious, and if this is something that they talk about regularly in hockey, then Melvin is incredibly excited about being able to join this new sport.

Top Cheese: The top cheese is typically the least desirable piece of cheese, more fingers have touched it, so obviously this must be the least liked player in the league or on the team. Melvin hoped he wouldn’t become a top cheese one day.

The one thing that seemed clear to Melvin, is that hockey players really loved to eat food, which was good, he liked eating food too. He wasn’t sure if he was going to use these words correctly, but at least he was beginning to find out some of the important lingo when talking to his cousins.

Looking at Team Logos:

After investigating more about the sport itself, Melvin looked toward the SMJHL, which he had just declared for and looked at the new teams that he could potentially be playing for. Ever the critic, Melvin decided that it was time to review the teams for his personal blog. Therefore, he decided to start in alphabetical order.

Looking at the Anaheim Outlaws, Melvin found himself feeling confused. Apparently similar brandings could be found in different sports. It wasn’t anything to bother him, and in fact he found himself quite drawn to the cowboy hat and mask. After all, when you go committing crimes, it’s best you have yourself disguised. This could be a useful team to be a part of in the future, if he was going to continue his streak of violence (not something recommended by his therapist and rehabilitation coach, but he was the murder-moose afterall).

Next up are the Anchorage Armada. Ships are something that Melvin knew well. He used to be on a submarine for two years while playing at the DSFL level. The logo and colors are all something he was incredibly comfortable with, as they remind him of his seawolves. He worried, though, that this familiarity might cause him to say “Go Seawolves,” as opposed to shouting “Go Armada!” but he also knew that ships were a place he could see himself living on comfortably. The cold of Anchorage would also continue to be a comfort to him, as he didn’t quite do so well in warmer temperatures.

Carolina Kraken were the next team on the list, and it was an interesting logo to say the least. Melvin had always had a fascination with cephalopods, and this logo made them look even more fierce than he could have expected. The bright colors and orange hue look great on a jersey, and he was incredibly pleased with the combination. Kraken are underwater, which is definitely where submarine moose want to live, but Melvin has some reservations about the viability of living underwater permanently, without a metal tube to surround himself in.

The Colorado Raptors are up next. Colorado is a wonderful place to live, and if he were able to play for this team, he wouldn’t be far from home at all. It’s definitely a plus in their favor. Couple this with what the colors of the team are, blue and yellow, and Melvin found himself incredibly comfortable with them. Having spent many years on the field at the University of Michigan stadium, he knew that he could fit in well with the Raptors. Not to mention, dinosaur branding was absolutely awe-inspiring. As a moose who likes to strike terror in the hearts of others, he really felt a deep connection with the Raptors. Maybe they would be the place he could one day call home.

Following the Colorado Raptors are the Detroit Falcons. Melvin readily admits, he wasn’t ready to see a Detroit team, and after having lived with Daria Guava-Fresca for a bit, he wasn’t sure if he could rationally think about this team and branding. It brought up many very painful memories that he continued to try and repress. He was a fan of the bright red, but it also reminded him of that horrible night after the Ultimini win. While he wasn’t sure if he would be able to keep up with a pack of birds, flying somewhat scared the moose, he did enjoy the color scheme and that it would be close to where Daria was buried.

Kelowna Knights. Melvin wondered where Kelowna was, and had to ask his relatives. Learning that it was in Canada, Melvin got a little more excited. His true original home wasn’t far from Canada, but a moose isn’t so great with directions, and therefore, he didn’t realize Kelowna was on the other side of Canada. Looking at the logo, Melvin found himself wondering what it would be like to be a knight. Wearing glorious golden armor like they had, it seemed clear that being a knight would be a noble thing indeed.

As Melvin continued navigating through the teams, he came across the Maine Timber. Living in a forest, Melvin quite likes the trees, they’re an important part of his home. However, if he was able to keep all of the extra twigs for snacks, then this might very well be a team that Melvin could see himself on. Melvin was really looking forward to the idea of getting (hopefully) free twigs to munch on, as he didn’t have much money that was good in the SHL yet. He was working toward becoming a multi-millionaire in this league too, but before that happened, any kind of bonuses, like free twigs, would be appreciated quite a bit by Melvin. He hoped that the front office of this team would keep that in mind, if they were to sign him.

Looking at the Nevada Battleborn, Melvin grew instantly excited by the horns. As an antlered animal himself, he was really thrilled to see some horns on in the branding. Looking further, the coloring and the mountains made Melvin far less anxious than he originally expected to be about a team in Nevada. Thinking just about the fact that it would be in the desert and incredibly hot, he wasn’t quite sure how he would be able to handle that as a moose. However, as he continued to think, he felt much more comfortable about the idea of chilling with some mountain goats. Besides, Battleborn is a pretty cool name.

Next there are the Newfoundland Berserkers. The only thing that Melvin knows about Newfoundland is that it’s in a weird half timezone, and that isn’t something he’s a huge fan of having to navigate. He has a hard enough job telling time as it is, let alone adjusting to be on the half hour, as opposed to the hour. That said, he was excited about the aggression in the branding, but it did leave Melvin feeling a little worried and nervous about what the team might do to him, and his fur if he were to get on the wrong side of management. Would they skin him and wear him too? Surely with his antlers in the prime of his life right now, they would look most desirable on a berserker. While he was nervous, he was still incredibly excited about the idea of joining an aggressive team like the berserkers.

With only three SMJHL teams left, it was time to look at the Quebec City Citadelles. The first thing that struck Melvin about this team was the stark white. He wasn’t sure if it would be a great color on him, but he also knew that most anything would look a little silly on a moose, and he was hoping that it wouldn’t be too long before he figured out what decorations he might need to include on his antlers. His favorite part of the logo had to be the QCC that was embedded inside of each other. It was an incredibly clever way to include the team information in the middle of the brand. Ultimately, Quebec wouldn’t be too far from home, so Melvin could see himself happily joining the Citadelles.

The penultimate team to discuss are the St. Louis Scarecrows. Not a huge fan of horror movies, Melvin wasn’t sure at first if he was even going to be able to look at this branding, but he found solace in learning about the teams with his friend Adelie de Pengu, and he was able to look through and learn more about the branding in safety. The dark shadows that the hat casts on the scarecrow's face, coupled with his red eyes, is the stuff that may still haunt Melvin in his nightmares, though. While he is certain that the people in Saint Louis are incredibly lovely, he is moderately afraid of what bad dreams he may continue to suffer if he joined the team. Although, as he thought further on it, he was also worried about having to see it on game days instead. Maybe being a scarecrow would be the best possible solution after all.

The last branding to be researched at the Vancouver Whalers. Instantly, Melvin was excited about this team. One of the biggest predators to the moose are killer whales after all, and while technically they are more members of the dolphin family, Melvin would be happy to be a part of any team that murders their mortal enemies. The bright green and blue reminded him of some football teams, and he liked the clean look of the shield. He wasn’t sure if these would be a team that would be liked by his penguin friend, but at the end of the day Melvin was here for himself. He would be happy to hunt some whales with the team.

Quick Glances at the SHL teams and brandings:

Melvin knew that eventually he was going to be a part of the SHL, and while he wanted to do a bigger dive into the teams and brandings later, he felt he needed to at least familiarize himself with the teams that his cousins were avid fans of. Right away, the Inferno, Dragons, Rage, and Aurora drew him in. The first three teams were one of Melvin’s favorite colors (red), and the Aurora just reminded him of home. While there were many amazing logos out there, upon first glances, they drew his eye the most. Melvin looked forward to learning more about the teams and looking at what else they would have to offer him in the future.

Signing a Moose

Rumors of Melvin’s incredibly detailed and specific contract from the ISFL had followed him as he came overseas. Some viewed him as a little bit of a diva, but Melvin had been provided guidance on his previous contract by his lawyer and friend. In the transition into a new sport, however, he knew that this might be something that could potentially make teams nervous in the future. He needed to figure out what his goals were for the SHL in order to effectively make sure that his future contracts reflected those goals.

Ultimately, Melvin hoped that money would not be an issue in the slightest. In fact, Melvin hoped that he would be able to share a bit about himself with sponsors, and use his previous fame to make an earning for himself that didn’t rely on the contracts. Ultimately, he knew that it was best for the team if he were to take team friendly deals, and reduce the burden that he placed on teams. As such, he didn’t have as much need for money as one might think, but he was definitely looking to have a better grip on the amount of twigs he could finagle out of teams. Twigs were delicious. Maybe they would even be willing to part with some leftover hockey sticks that were broken during practices and the games. He would have to convince them to make sure to use edible paint and finish, but he could always use his ISFL fortune to help fund the invention of such materials.

Additionally, there were rumors that Melvin’s best friend Adelie de Pengu would be declaring for the SMJHL draft at the same time. Currently, while they play and live together in Colorado for the ISFL, Melvin finds there is no need to be drafted to the same team as his penguin pal. Ultimately, he’s looking to find a second home in the SHL. He wants to find a team where he can fit in the locker room, joke around, and make new friends. He’s hoping that this experience can provide him with something different from his life in football, and that he’s able to be as team friendly and helpful as possible. He has no desire to be a certain position, line, start, ride the bench. He’s willing to do whatever needs to be done to best support the team and help his teammates out. He just decided that hitting other players during the football season wasn’t enough, and he needed some more year round action.

While he wasn’t officially a Swede himself, he would be declaring and claiming it as his birth home so he could continue to play with his cousins during international tournaments and federation play. He was hoping that this would help him to become more ingrained in their culture, and that he wouldn’t lose contact with his long-distance relatives, who he might otherwise not know.

-- TL;DR --

Heyo, I’m Schwarz, I’m new to hockey coming from the ISFL and SCFSL. I know next to nothing about the sport, but I’m excited to learn and do whatever I can to be helpful to a team moving forward. Not looking for anything more than having a good time. I’m completely flexible on what is best for the team, builds, advice, positions, etc. I’m hoping to just try and make a splash and be the best player for your team, no matter where that ends up being. Feel free to reach out any time, I’m almost always around discord. I’m moving into the summer months where I’ll be around almost all of the time, so I’m sure you’ll see me around.

(5258 Words)