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***Ragnar*** · 07-12-2021, 09:10 AM

Someone stole everything from Chimkin Wing. His identity, his bank account, his twitter handle, his entire life.

So, here’s a quick run down of a day in the life of the asshole who stole Chimkin Wing’s identity:

"Oh boy, it’s a new day and I am now a SHL fourth liner. I bet I have millions of dollars in my bank account."

(Checks bank account and sees balance is $3.65)
“Oh what the fuck. Why are there so many transactions for Jones Good Ass BBQ and Foot Massage? This dude spent $400 there every single day the past six months.”

(He’s a millionaire technically, so he has to have a good credit score… right?)
“Okay credit karma… 400!? How the fuck do you have a multimillion dollar contract with a pro sports team and you have a credit score of 400? Why does he have so many lines of credit open? His Bath and Body Works card is maxed out, he has a Toys’R’Us card? They’re not even a thing anymore!”

The thief proceeded to tweet something he thought his followers wouldn’t deem suspicious.

“google how to find feet pics of @Zombiewolf“
Yeah, they’ll never suspect a thing….

Sigs by Me, Merica, High Stick King, Rum_Ham, Jess, vulfzilla, enigmatic, and Carpy

❤!! RIP to the big homies 701 and Mac !!❤

***By-Tor*** · 07-12-2021, 09:20 AM

"Damn it, Ville! Where is my credit card?!"

"I'm sure it is in your wallet, sir. It's always there."

Marcel picks the wallet up off the hotel bed and walks over to Ville. Ville could see nothing wrong with the wallet at first glance - everything seemed to be in place.

"Look: cash, picture of Floutenhoften, massage card, no credit card."

"Interesting, sir. Do you think the hotel staff took it?"

"Ville, I don't want to go around accusing people, but how is there any other alternative? Get the hotel management on the phone."

"Very good, sir. One moment."

"Hello, this is Ricardo, manager of the Ramada Inn. How can I help you?"

"Hey, Ricardo, was my room cleaned recently? It seems some of my personal affects were stolen."

"I'm very sorry to hear that, sir. Let me check. ... No, in fact, your room has not been cleaned since yesterday."

"Very interesting. Thank you, Ricardo." "Ville, what do you think happened??"

"I don't know, sir. Maybe you dropped it while we were at that boat party."

"Maybe. Can you just go ahead and call the company and cancel the card? I don't want whoever took it to get too much."

"Yes, sir."

Ville picks up the phone and dials a number.

"Sir, the credit card company is telling me that $10,000 of purchases were made in the last 24 hours, but they did not notify you due to your past spending habits."

"Are you f%#$ kidding me right now?"

"Sir, they say that all $10,000 was spent on ... sports bras?

Marcel hangs his head and gives out a sigh.

"Damn it, Miranda."

Credit to enigmatic, Merica, and tweedledunn for sigs

*takethehorizon* · 07-12-2021, 09:27 AM

After a long weekend of SHL games, the boys thought it would be fun to go out on the town to celebrate the recent wins and keep the cup celebration going. The boys did some bar hopping before ending up at The Goat - notorious for a good time, although not always remembered. Cillian offered to pick up the tab and signed the bill but accidentally left his credit card and phone on the table in the process. The next morning Cillian woke up with a raging headache and a knock on the door from head coach, Puoli asking why he was asking for a trade out of Texas. Cillian's Facebook had been hacked and his identity stolen. 5 charges before noon the next day on his American Express card totaling over $5000. Cillian quickly deleted all the fake news posts on his social media and changed all his passwords while also locking his bank accounts. No damage was done in the end however he will certainly be much more careful when going on for a night on the town with the Renegades.

Word Count: 182

***Rangerjase*** · 07-12-2021, 09:41 AM

News alert: THERE IS AN IMPOSTER ZOLTAN WANDERING AROUND THE TAMPA BAY AREA. PLEASE ALERT THE REAL ZOLTAN AT 1-888-ZOLTANNOW IF YOU SEE HIM OR HER. WE ARE NOT SURE IF IT IS ACTUALLY A PERSON. A mannequin is on the loose wearing nothing but some form fitting high strength industrial bubble wrap. The mannequin or person was last spotted riding the roller coaster at Busch Gardens Tampa bay. Or maybe it was at the zoo were not really entirely sure. People keep calling and reporting but by the time we get there the mannequin is gone. We are short staffed (its literally just me, the real Zoltan) trying to figure out who is doing this. IT IS SLANDER! They are trying to tarnish the good name that is Zoltan. I give back the community. I am not just a lifeless mannequin sitting on the bench letting the birds pop the bubbles for their yummy delicious crumbs. Please alert me if you see this “imposter” mannequin or person. We could use more members, please be in touch.

Gifter of Bikes · 07-12-2021, 09:42 AM

When Eero Makela found out that his identity had been stolen, he was far more upset about the hassle of getting a new driver's license than the leaked nudes. "Honestly, the feedback has been tremendous and now I'm considering opening an OnlyFans to try to break that annoying super bowl ad girl's record."

Indeed, a user account named EeroMakelaNudeLeaks was created overnight on several popular pornographic websites and subsequently lived up to the username, posting approximately 3 gigabytes of images and videos.

"My teammates thought it was hilarious, until they saw how much support and encouragement I was receiving," Makela continued. "When a GoFundMe was set up in my name and reached its $1,000,000 goal in 47 minutes, I think the boys in the locker room took notice. I really have to thank whoever it was that stole my info - they have directly led to me getting more love and support than every before, plus a new side hustle."

dankoa · 07-12-2021, 10:06 AM

Given that he has spent many seasons playing in the SHL, and during that time has been able to acquire a pretty large bank balance through various means, it's no surprise that Kaarlo Kekkonen was recently the victim of identity theft. The thieves obviously did this with the intention of emptying his account and taking it for their own, and it was certainly a time of stress seeing credit cards that he did not believe could be maxed out, be filled up with purchases he didn't make. It was only when the thieves tried to use his money to buy a luxury yacht that Kaarlo was made aware of the situation, and thankfully it was soon shut down and his funds returned to him. Compliments have to go to the police in Montreal for their great work in apprehending the perpetrators and ensuring that all goods purchased with Kaarlo's money, and the money itself, were returned to their rightful owners

Code:
160 words

Raven · 07-12-2021, 10:31 AM

Code:
Written Task: Someone has stolen your identity! What have they done with your information? Made purchases with your credit cards? Impersonated you in a way that would get you in trouble? Or worst of all... posted a ridiculously embarrassing hot take that will make you the laughing stock of the hockey community?! How did your player react to this, and did you ever catch the culprit? (150+ words)

The other week an individual had stolen Ryuuji Kawashima's credit card and was going on a shopping rampage. Kawashima started getting emails from his credit card company about the many purchases that were being made in such a short amount of time. Instead of blocking the card, Kawashima decided to go on investigation. He rallied up team mates Sekai Wollker and Jack Micro to go on the hunt to find the person making these purchases. In a crazy goose chase with Ryuuji keeping tabs on his credit card account and a driver who took em accross the city of Anaheim, they were detirmened to catch the culprit red handed.

A new notification just came in at Uncle Benejamins Ice Cream Supreme Time, which they just happened to be driving by. They hopped out and were looking for a person walking around with the supreme royale ice cream cup. They spotted the individual leaving the shop and that is when the chase begun. It was like a scene out of a scooby doo episode. Ryuuji yelled at the person to stop in his tracks, but instead they flung the ice cream at Ryuuji and co and darted into an alley way. The gang split up as the all took different angles into the alley way. It was not a long process as the top atheles were able to catch up to the purp within minutes and Ryuuji got his credit card back.

[241 words]

Thank you Fever, sköldpaddor and OD for the amazing sigs!

Montreal Impact/Militia Militia-Old

|Player Page| Stars

|Update Page| Japan

BrewskyBoy · 07-12-2021, 11:00 AM

While the identify theft for Noah was minor, the criminals decided to take to his social media accounts and take advantage of his countless fans and followers. One of the first things that was posted after the theft occurred was an unknown picture of a manly part, definitely not one that belonged to Noah either (though with the size and girth we're talking about here, he likely wishes it was actually his member). This drew widespread viewership and went viral in a matter of no time at all. After the thief had drawn even more eyes to the hacked account, he moved onto the next step of his plot. This is when he made a number of posts to come view his counterfeit Buffalo Stampede webstore. The store was filled with t-shirts, flags, sweatshirts, etc. All kinds of merchandise for the S59 runner-ups. The nerve of this thief to advertise for his Stampede store on a Texas Renegades player's social media. It didn't take long for this thief to be shut down and for Noah to reclaim control of his accounts.

notoriousTRON · 07-12-2021, 11:16 AM

PBE Affiliate Claim

Sig Cred: Carpy, ML, RainDelay, Donini & Geekusoid

*slothfacekilla* · 07-12-2021, 11:41 AM

PT Pass claim

charlieconway · 07-12-2021, 11:56 AM

Quote:Written Task: Someone has stolen your identity! What have they done with your information? Made purchases with your credit cards? Impersonated you in a way that would get you in trouble? Or worst of all... posted a ridiculously embarrassing hot take that will make you the laughing stock of the hockey community?! How did your player react to this, and did you ever catch the culprit? (150+ words)

It's finally happened. After forgetting his credit card at a fine dining establishment countless times before, he's finally noticed too late before real damage is done.
The person that found the credit card wasted no time in running his name through the mud:
One purchase of an ultra-size authentic game worn jersey Wayne Gretzky sex doll.
One purchase of a pair of pants made from real endangered snow leopard fur.
One purchase of a book on ‘How to score goals in Sim Hockey’, which to be completely honest is something Adam needs this season so no harm done here.
A booked flight on Virgin Galactic’s second commercial flight to outer space.

To top it all off, they somehow also got a hold of his twitter account and used the opportunity to lambast every single charity in the GTA.
Finally, using the credit card they purchased a skywriting airplane to subject the city of Toronto to the following message:
“I did not deserve the Top Defenseman award in S58 -Adam Barron”
They knew it was his most coveted award, and they did it anyway.

*JURT* · 07-12-2021, 12:08 PM

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Wearingabear · 07-12-2021, 12:30 PM

So on a random Wednesday, Igor gets a call from his friend TURG TURG and to tune into ESPN8 The Ocho to see the news. Confused, Igor logs on, finds his way to the OCHO and that's when he sees the headline:

Igor Victory is actually Igor Loser.

Somebody had hacked both his IG and twitter handles, changed his name to Loser and is now posting all sorts of disparaging things about every team he's been on and most recently his departure from Tampa Bay. He immediately calls his manager, who then calls Steve Apple so he can talk to Mark Zuckerturd and Jackanoff Dorsey to get this situation figured out. Alas, the damage has been done and now Igor and his management team are on the defense trying to clean up this situation. It seems like it's non stop with the Victory camp recently. After the jock strap debacle, and now having to face this, Victory is having a rough during his rookie year in Philly

***KaleSalad*** · 07-12-2021, 12:42 PM

While on the road it appears Nathan used his Credit Card at the wrong store. Because he woke up to thousands of dollars in charges he is pretty sure he didn’t do himself. I mean it was a crazy night out and he blacked out for a bit and doesn’t remember getting back to the hotel for starters but pretty sure he didn’t buy a jet ski online at 2 am. Over the next few hours Nathan was stuck trying to piece together his night out to confirm what he had and hadn’t purchased. Taco’s at 3 am likely his purchase an entire new pool system costing 8 grand at 5am not his purchase. Needless to say it took over 3 hours on the phone with the Visa fraud department to get through everything. Nathan learnt a valuable lesson out of all of this though. Bring and use some cash at that donair place because it appears that where things went off the rails and his credit card information was stolen. Also don’t black out drink anymore it makes things like this infinitely harder to deal with.

***Ohtaay*** · 07-12-2021, 12:55 PM

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