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BenDover · 07-18-2021, 10:01 AM

Unfortunately Wilson decided it would be a good idea to click some shady links on how to actually score a hockey puck, and although it has seemed to work with Wilson scoring half of his season goals in the past sim week, raising the toal to 4! Back to the fishy links, the bad people now have my credit card info SSD, mothers maiden name, and so much more to do whatever they pleased with his 15 million dollar bank account. The first thing they tried to do was buy a new mansion with all this money, but disaster struck for the would be new house owners. The credit card company had called Wilson and told him that someone had purchase something different than hockey training, so that was shut down real quick. Another big sign that someone else had my identity was the tweets deviating from the CANTALOUPE CROCODILE MVP posts, giving wilson another sign to get his identity back.

***hotdog*** · 07-18-2021, 11:13 AM

Recently there have been several cases of people all over the country (USA btw) impersonating Eko van Otter. Since EVO has risen to stardom and become a household name nationwide, many want to be like him. And many think they see him walking down the street. This isn't so nefarious on behalf of those who appear like eko van otter but there have been many cases of people going to zoos around the country and observing sick agility in river otters and proclaiming "wow that's atlanta inferno superstar eko van otter!" but it probably wasn't - eko van otter has never been to the zoo. One especially embarrassing case was when there was an otter at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago, IL who was demonstrating sick puckhandling technique and incredible agility in his exhibit and then pulled off to the side and took a big poop - eko van otter would never! The case was quickly debunked, as van Otter and the Inferno were playing a game of SHL hockey in Dallas that day.

*Scrufdaddy* · 07-18-2021, 11:44 AM

It looks like someone got a hold of Slip McScruff's wallet last night. He wakes up on Sunday morning with a pounding headache, maybe he was mugged, and he finds all kinds of low balance alerts on his phone. They bought outrageous amounts of beer and pizza at the bar that Slip usually goes to. You'd think they would recognize this guy was using a stolen card since Slip is there all the time, and I mean all the time. Oh geez, while he was spending Slip's whole contract on $8 beers, he also took to twitter and tweeted some incendiary things on Slip's account. Boasting about not being on the dead last team while actually being on the 3rd to last team. Claiming that Montreal and San Francisco must be doping because they are 3 and 4 points up the standings. He's even misspelling words and tagging players who haven't been on any of these four teams in years.

He went to the bar again today, as he normally does, and asked about this thief. They popped open the security footage from the night before and caught him red handed. That drunk bastard looked just like Slip, probably how he got away with the crime!

JT3 · 07-18-2021, 11:49 AM

Noel was never much of a tech kind of guy growing up as he was spending most of his time playing hockey or other sports or whatnot, so you could say his online security is a little lax. Someone managed to get a keylogger onto his computer and stole all of his passwords and info. His first indication that his accounts were compromised wasn't actually because the hacker posted anything on social media or anything like that, but instead he received an email from paypal saying that his purchase of a certain online females used panties had gone through. Shortly afterwards he was told there were some weird tweets coming from his twitter account that were not him. Someone was now advertising for an MLM through his twitter account (you'd think they could find a better use for his account). Fortunately for Noel his agent worked quickly to help him get things cleared up, passwords changed, and his accounts much more secure. With the hacker having access to his paypal things could have been much worse.

Credits to OrbitingDeath, Tweedle, Incite, Wasty, and Slothfacekilla for sigs!

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nyumbayangu · 07-18-2021, 11:52 AM

BING!

The alert on the subcutaneous transcranial alert mechanism aroused Narboza from his regeneration schedule.

BING! BING! BING!

Three more times it went off, and now he was annoyed.

With a tap on the side of his head he brought up the retinal display that was fused directly into the Sardangian version of an optical nerve, showing several alerts, all coming through various human social media streams, claiming to be him. "Humans are food!" one of them said, while another blared out, "Soylent green is people!" The latter was a reference he did not understand, but the next alert that popped up amused him. It was a picture of Narboza holding up a book entitled 'To Serve Man!" A classic.

He tapped the side of his head once more and then moaned out the words, "Silence, two hours", turning off the alerts for that length of time so that he could get back to his regeneration.

If humans thought that Sardangians were here merely to eat them, then there was little to be concerned about. It meant they had no idea.

raymond3000 · 07-18-2021, 12:37 PM

Sopath · 07-18-2021, 12:44 PM

So I recently got my identity stolen because I clicked on one of those fake links. Someone sent me a message on facebook like "omg Bas is this you in this picture omg!?" So I click on the link which requires me to login with my password and email address and as soon as I did I knew I was fucked. See here is the thing, I'm a particular fucking dumb ass so I never have different passwords for anything. So once they had my facebook password they had a password for everything. This total fucking jack ass gets it in his/her head to create an onlyfans page in my name using the pictures from my icloud and announces it on MY twitter. Seriously fuck you. I mean fuck me for having the same password for my icloud as my facebook but fuck you for being a scum bag. So for the last couple weeks have had to endure people online creeping on me about my feet and other things... Thankfully got control of my accounts back and deleted the onlyfans.

Rabidsponge21 · 07-18-2021, 12:55 PM

PBE PT

Cyanide · 07-18-2021, 12:59 PM

Leonids Balzams is not the sharpest tool in the shed. One day in a Dunkin Donuts he left his wallet and phone on the counter, which was immediately snatched up by a Bostonian who did not like the way he was playing. Balzams did not believe in having a password on his phone, so the Bostonian decided to have some fun. He went on Balzams twitter account and started to berate his teammates for only holding a wildcard spot. Next he went on a tirade against some of his closest friends, including Boris Poroshenko. Once he was done absolutely ripping the team and other SHL players, the guy took Balzams wallet, and went on a shopping spree, buying a Porshe, 5,000 dollars worth of donuts, and was finally caught when he went to New England's practice facility and tried to pose as Leonids Balzams. Once he was caught and the car was returned, Balz took the donuts and shared it with the team, and promised his new password of 1235 will fool everyone.

Credit to Wasty
[Image: wolfpack3.png]

Credit to Sulovilen

***notorioustig*** · 07-18-2021, 01:32 PM

It was a dark morning in Kermit Murphy's young life when his parents ushered him into the living room to see the horrific events unfolding on the TV. He looked on in horror as they turned on a business news show, which promptly explained that Disney had purchased the Jim Henson Company, creator of the Muppets and, most importantly, Kermit the Frog. While Kermit the character was just a puppet, Kermit the person, despite looking like a velvety puppet head atop already broad human shoulders, was in fact the universe manifesting his puppet's namesake into a flesh and blood entity. This, however, created some horrific legal implications. as the Mouse House now owned Kermit as intellectual property, and they claimed his very existence was theft of this IP. Despite the early years of his life being spent in a courtroom arguing for freedom, the best the Murphy family was able to do was secure a deal where Kermit was allowed a modicum of free will in exchange for participation in various Disney projects, where he has appeared as various creature in Star Wars properties and is now contracted to create a larger hockey market in the United States to help them create a Mighty Ducks Cinematic Universe. While he was the one charged with the theft of his own identity, Kermit has never truly been able to develop a proper sense of self, and every time he watches a John Wick movie he grows closer to the point of exacting his vengeance at Disney HQ.

ByrdeMan · 07-18-2021, 01:36 PM

PBE Affiliate

My username is Burb there.

Halkohol · 07-18-2021, 02:06 PM

My identity. Stolen. No longer my own. These feelings that rushed through my head together with the hammering hangover made the game-free morning truly a horrible experience. Apparently, someone had taken my identity and used it to party at top class pub, bar AND a club. Management was all over my ass, apparently this dude had made me a bad name looking so drunk and walking around the dance floor howling like a wolf missing it's pack. As I was washing my face, trying to get rid of the worst of the headache, in the mirror I saw myself and realized... That fake identity, it wasn't fake. I drank too much, it was me. Management were right to be out for me and not someone else. SHIT!

With that final thought I slammed awake from the weird drunken slumber I had just had. That dream... What a horrible one. But what is that annoying sound? Oh shit, the phone. As I picked up the phone I recognized the voice immideately. The next few words were the worst I could have woken up to:

"So, uh, someone faked your identity and you are in a bit of a pickle. Come in to the office and we'll get this sorted out"

(209 words)

*rum_ham* · 07-18-2021, 02:07 PM

JumpierPegasus · 07-18-2021, 02:24 PM

Someone has taken my identidy and is going around pretending to be Yngve Simonsson. This is simply no problem, because no one can say or spell Yngve and therefore there is no issue with my identidy being stolen. In my life I have had my name written as Ingve, Ingvay, Ing-vey, Yngvay, Ingvee, Angvay, Engvee, etc. It has been ridiculous. Because of that, in north america, no two documents I have are the same at all. It is likely whomever stole my identidy may be foolish enough to actually spell my name is people who ask how to spell it, and is actually going by Yngve. That is silly because I have no documents with that spelling so it has done nothing to my credit. So to whoever is out there, trying to steal my identity, you should really take a page out of my book and go by Oskar instead of trying to get people to work out how the FUCK to say and spell the stupid ass name Yngve

***SouthPaw*** · 07-18-2021, 02:34 PM

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