Login

DELIRIVM · 07-16-2021, 09:33 PM

Dear SHL,

So I don’t know where to post this. I guess J Media is just as good as any. But I just wanted to take time to talk out loud and get post defeat weight off my chest.

As some may know, I spent a good long time working on an SMJHL J Expansion bid these past few weeks. For me it was a bittersweet task. As someone who has maybe a bit of a freckled past, with some good moments and some not so good moments, I thought that putting my hat into the ring and getting a chance to grow something from the ground up would be my chance to do something good for the league. Maybe I saw it a bit as a chance at redemption within the league itself. But missing out on that has been one that has really struck me hard in the chest and set thinking. So I thought I’d expand on my journey on this site, life impact on the league, and why I think it might be time I take a step back again after missing out on this opportunity.

So firstly, I would like to say congratulations to both @overdoo and @Geekusoid. I am not trying to be a sore loser here. I truly wish you both the absolute best. You seem like absolutely amazing people and I’m sure whichever players end up playing for you will be positively thrilled. I am happy you both get to help build the future of this league. I’m proud of you both.

With that out of the way. I guess onto the rest of this media piece. I joined the Simulation Hockey League in July of 2016, so just about 5 years ago to the day, and when I joined was one of the roughest times of my entire life. Beset by extreme depression and personal problems, I was not the kindest most loving person. I often let my anxiety get the best of me. I would lash out in forum drama. Not often starting drama but exacerbating it. I would get overly angry and treat those around me in ways they never deserved to be treated. I made “enemies” on this site, some that persist even now, through my actions. And my god do I realize the terrible ways I acted back in 2016 and 2017 and think how could I ever have conducted myself that way.

Flash forward 5 years, I have made numerous mental health breakthroughs and find myself the happiest I have been in nearly 20 years. I have put all my effort into being a positive force in every locker room I have gotten the joy of being part of in my year back. It has been an truly amazing experience to be in the Vancouver and Baltimore locker rooms. I’ve met some great friends and rekindled friendships I realized had fallen off in the two years of my departure from the site. I can’t give enough props and love to those that have been here with me through this year of Covid.

But I am here to talk about today’s decisions and the impact on my activity on the SHL moving forward. Not to go over stuff I’ve already talked about candidly to a number of people. It’s no secret to those that share a LR with me that this was much more than a bid for an expansion team for me. This was a journey into hard times, pulling them up to the forefront, and learning from them. Exposing the truths of the demons that plagued me for those years and how I could move forward as a better member of this community. I spent three heart-wrenching days writing a near twelve page application from those times of pain. Reflecting on where I had been and where I could go. This wasn’t just slapping a name on a team. Expansion was a chance for me to be better. To take the lessons I learned as the GM in Colorado all those seasons ago, from the mental breakthroughs I’ve had in my personal life, and show not only those that would doubt me, but myself, that I am better. I am whole. I thought someone that had struggled was not only a good choice but the right choice to be a team leader.

Unfortunately that did not come to pass. And I am not upset at anyone, well, maybe myself? Maybe I didn’t convey just how much this meant to me. How there would be passion the strength of ten thousand suns burning within the heart of the team I was given. And honestly, it’s okay. I’ll be okay. This is just a simulation hockey league. A place I obviously spend a lot of time, but my alarm will sound again tomorrow morning. I’ll have my cup of tea. I’ll take my dogs for a walk and I’ll be okay. Life moves forward.

But what it does signal is maybe this is the time for me to pull back from the league in a more serious fashion. I wanted to be part of it more than I ever have before. But maybe it doesn’t want to have me be part of it any more than just as a piece of a squad. And I’m happy to be part of Baltimore going forward. I plan to keep my updates rolling. I love each and every person in that LR like a brother, as they’ve been there for me in my time back. And for their sake, I owe them the activity to keep the team they are so invested in as competitive as possible. But maybe it’s time that I divest myself before I convince myself to apply for something again moving forward and run into another wall that sends me questioning things again.

But I digress. Once again I would like to congratulate Geekusoid and Overdoo on their expansion bid wins. I am sure you guys had brilliant apps with a lot of heart and care put into them. And I am glad one of the Beans Network guys got a piece of that [bean] pie. Go out there and kill it in expansion.

With all of this said, and my emotional rant out of the way, I would like to take this moment to apologize to all those that I haven’t gotten the chance to apologize to for all the things I might have said to you over those years. I’m really glad to have had my time on this site. And I’m sure I’ll be active enough keeping my player updated for BAP that I’ll bump into some of you again later.

- Kyle / InciteHysteria / DELIRIVM

***luke*** · 07-16-2021, 09:34 PM

imagine not hiring the best colorado gm smh my head

Accka · 07-16-2021, 10:09 PM

Can't really give my input on the J team or your history, but what comes to you as a person today: I've had nothing but positive interactions with you in the Whalers LR. You're a nice person and I hope you find that drive/motivation again, if not with the league, then with something else Smile

/

Big thanks to Pythonic(first sig evah), Sloth(first LAP sig<3) and Ragnar for their sigs<3

Two time playoffs MVP and two time nominee

Triple gold club

Discord: asska

***Patty*** · 07-17-2021, 01:48 AM

Sorry you weren't selected, and congrats on the progress in your journey so far. I'd really love for you to hold on to your passion for this place and redirect it to another positive endeavor. Passionate and genuine people are what help make this place so worthwhile and it'd be shame to have someone who is both of those things take a step back. All the best.