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hurt and healing: an essay (see inside for note)
#1

TW TW TW TW TW: discussions of abuse and mental health stuff. This is kind of a tough post to read. I love y'all, please get a hot drink and curl up with a blanket or your cat or a loved one if you need to. I don't want to accidentally hurt anyone with this post. also, all thoughts in this are my own and don't represent any site job i do or did hold here! also if the writing seems flourish-y I just have Lots Of Feelings on this, sorry if it seems a bit more eloquent than expected

Took a while over the past bit to decide whether I wanted to talk about this at all, explain why I suddenly resigned as GM when the team was on the upswing. It's been tough to deal with, and I was afraid that I would end up making a post just for the sake of hurting someone back, which I don't want to do. I've put a lot of pressure on myself to avoid retraumatizing people as it's an upsetting matter, and I haven't been perfect there, but I also really want to be open about this because I feel that this is something that's important to share in case I can help anyone out there who is or has been in a similar situation and let them know that they're not alone. This is probably the most Candid Boom y'all will ever get, since this took a while for me to write. I thought about trying to explore this through a Sophie media, but I didn't think that medium would retain the gravity. Sending all the love to everyone who's ever struggled with this.

so a while back I started talking with someone from the site (pls do not try to speculate who they are or call for heads to roll for people in charge not noticing this) and we really hit it off, bonding over a mutual love of sim sports and other things in common. They texted me pretty much always, and I had had a stressful situation happen shortly beforehand so I was receptive to have the attention and compliments. At first it seemed like it was helping my self-image, and eventually we started a relationship (initiated by them, but I figured at the time it was reciprocal and that I'd be able to figure things out along the way, and I told them this). They often texted me with compliments several times a day every day and things moved really fast, usually initiated by them. They told me that the relationship would move at my pace, and I trusted that their actions would follow this, but often they didn't. We made plans to meet in person, and before it even happened they were planning a second trip. As things went on, I noticed something weird that I couldn't explain: insecurities that should have been going away were this a healthy relationship based on respect and boundaries, were instead getting louder and I was feeling less fulfilled in my own self-worth. I was getting lifted up on a pedestal even as I tried to be put back on solid ground before the cracks showed. Imposter syndrome go brrr. My TL;DR assessment of it is that I was placed at the centre of this person's universe, felt an extreme pressure to be everything for them, and just about fell apart when I couldn't do that. That said, this is a self-assessment and doesn't replace an evaluation by a medical professional or certified therapist, but we all know our bodies best.

For the sake of not hurting people or myself with too many details, I'll keep this next section as brief as possible, but - after an incident where my boundaries were severely overstepped, I ended things with them and cut contact. At first, I just thought it was an isolated incident - albeit one severe enough to justify breaking up over - but the more I got support and thought about it after, the more I realized that things had been unhealthy for a while. The specific things that happened in the relationship have been hard to categorize for me, a person who loves to classify things (I'm a science major ok). I tried to do some research on unhealthy/abusive relationships to see where my experiences fit in, and while it didn't fit into "typical" patterns, it did seem to fit with one thing in particular - love-bombing. It wasn't something that I knew existed when I was in the relationship, but reading more about this it's easy to see how I got sucked in, and I'm thankful I got out before anything worse happened. Everyone I've talked to in real life and on here about this has been really gentle and kind about this, and I think I'm about in a place where I don't feel like I need to hide behind people anymore. My healing journey will take a while, but I feel confident that I have a safe support group and the tools to hopefully avoid this in the future. It sucked to have to leave the top job in Edmonton after spending so long working my way up to what I saw as one of the "top" jobs on the whole site, but I don't intend to go anywhere with my player and ultimately I think taking off that responsibility will be healthier in the long run, so I don't regret any of it. Someday I might get back into GMing. Still dreaming of one day managing my "own" team in a sense, one I get to build. Someday!

It's been a lot to deal with but the people in my life who know have been great and I just want to say this: you're allowed to question things in a relationship, in a family dynamic, at work, anywhere. You're allowed to want boundaries and space when you need it, and you deserve to be able to vocalize those without feeling scared. A relationship needs to have all involved parties actively working together for its benefit. If anyone else is ever in a situation where they feel like something's off, or their boundaries aren't being respected, please, please tell someone you trust. You deserve to feel safe and be respected. You are absolutely worth it.

<3 boom

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#2
(This post was last modified: 07-09-2022, 09:49 PM by boom. Edited 2 times in total.)

a quick post on this since it’s been a few months since the Bad Thing happened: doing kinda okay rn! got a good social support network both in real life and online, working through brain stuff after effects with professional support which is super helpful, and went through the process of reporting a little bit ago which was difficult but empowering! a few other things on my plate at the moment so my attention is elsewhere, and it’s still going to be a very long journey, but life seems to be looking up <3

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#3

Heavy stuff, but i am glad things are on the upswing Boom.

I know we never really talk, but i want you to know you can always throw messages my way. You'll make it.

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#4

07-09-2022, 11:40 PMCptSquall Wrote: Heavy stuff, but i am glad things are on the upswing Boom.

I know we never really talk, but i want you to know you can always throw messages my way. You'll make it.
Thanks Squall, the offer is appreciated. Still figuring things out but I should be okay.

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#5

Hi @boom,

That was such a beautiful post. I found it very touching, and I sense you have a very tender heart. Please know a tender heart is worth more than any treasure.

Honestly, I was struck by the plight you found yourself in, not wanting to hurt anyone else, but also not wanting to be hurt in return. We all need healthy boundaries so we have room to grow and flourish as a person, so that we'll gain even more gifts to share with others. But if we don't get that space, we become like a strangled flower, desperate for a little water and sun.

I wish only the best for you on your healing journey , and I must say you have a lot of good insight which will serve you well along the way. Knowing yourself is often one of the first steps and I get the sense that you are very strong in that regard. So always trust your heart and be kind to yourself. Just like how you're kind to others, please extend that same grace and compassion to yourself. You deserve it.

Take care. <3

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#6

07-10-2022, 02:21 AMjumpSeat Wrote: Hi @boom,

That was such a beautiful post. I found it very touching, and I sense you have a very tender heart. Please know a tender heart is worth more than any treasure.

Honestly, I was struck by the plight you found yourself in, not wanting to hurt anyone else, but also not wanting to be hurt in return. We all need healthy boundaries so we have room to grow and flourish as a person, so that we'll gain even more gifts to share with others. But if we don't get that space, we become like a strangled flower, desperate for a little water and sun.

I wish only the best for you on your healing journey , and I must say you have a lot of good insight which will serve you well along the way. Knowing yourself is often one of the first steps and I get the sense that you are very strong in that regard. So always trust your heart and be kind to yourself. Just like how you're kind to others, please extend that same grace and compassion to yourself. You deserve it.

Take care. <3
thank you for the kind words Smile

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#7

glad to hear you are doin better and hope you continue to have brighter days ahead of you

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artermis,Feb 2 2017, 04:11 PM Wrote:9gag pretty lit tho
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