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Valpix · 05-30-2022, 04:37 PM

You've probably seen this before a million times...but never my take on it. I'm not gonna waste time with "please give me money" word vomit, we're going straight into it!

Armada

Anchorage Armada

The only way in which I can defeat an entire Armada is by having a pissed off Ocean Spirit combine with my own into a giant-ass pissed-off koi fish kaiju thing with unlimited power...until the Moon Spirit is revived by someone who just showed up yesterday and that I barely knew. Or at least, that's what I got out of the Avatar Book One finale.

In my own personal Siege of the North....I lose. Easily.

Verdict: No, too outnumbered and outgunned

Kraken

Carolina Kraken

The Kraken is a mythological creature originating mostly in Norse mythology, though basically every mythology ever has some sort of sea monster (whether it be the Hydra from Greek mythology, or the Leviathan from the Old Testament). With the Kraken being a thing that does not exist, and me being a thing that does exist, I think we all know who takes the dub here.

If the Kraken actually existed...well, I probably lose because it's way too big. Thankfully it doesn't, to the delight of sailors everywhere.

Verdict: Yes, because I actually exist.

Raptors

Colorado Raptors

Raptors are an extinct species. Last I checked, I am still very much alive. Also, I tend to be at my best in colder climates and situations, and dropping global temperatures are a part of why dinosaurs ceased to exist.

If they were still alive...I honestly don't think it's as tough as it seems, all I need to do is just avoid getting bitten, because raptor arms lack the range (and I'd imagine the muscle) to be able to do any damage there. Gimme a distance weapon, and that's an easy W.

Verdict: I am not dead, so yes.

Falcons

Detroit Falcons

Falcons are fast, aggressive birds of prey (and funny they come right after Colorado, because falcons are related somewhat to raptors); in fact, the peregrine falcon is allegedly the fastest moving creature on earth, diving at speeds over 200 mph like a Formula 1 car down the Kemmel Straight at Spa.

Slight problem though: Birds aren't real. I can't lose to what doesn't exist, and government drones are inanimate objects, easily defeated.

Verdict: Birds aren't real. Yes.

Great Falls Grizzlies

Yeah, I don't stand a chance here. Grizzly bears are big, strong absolute fucking units that would probably break me by looking at me funny.

Verdict: BRB, writing my own obituary. No.

Knights

Kelowna Knights

Now the real question here is, is this going to be a fair fight where I, too, get armor and a sword and stuff? If so, I have a chance. If not...I still do think I have a chance, but it requires being clever...how do I get something electrical to hit that metal armor and zap the knight into oblivion?

Oh wait, knights still exist but don't wear armor or whatever, they're just....people.

I think this is winnable.

Verdict: Maybe.

Timber

Maine Timber

Timber is just logs. Logs can do nothing to hurt me. Well, except mathematical ones back in high school hurting my brain. Fuck logarithms.

Verdict: I can actually go on the offensive, so I win by default.

Nevada Battleborn

Battleborn is an adjectival phrase, so we're going to have to use the logo here, The logo is a bighorn sheep, and I think I actually stand a pretty good chance here? Basically all it can do is charge me down and bash me, but if I'm able to slide-tackle like a footballer, I'll be so low to the ground that it loses the threat of its horns. I can just slippy slide underneath it and knock it down. Easy.

Verdict: Potentially.

Newfoundland Berserkers

I'm gonna level with you. I have no idea what a berserker is. *googles*

Okay, so apparently they're warriors that fought in a trance-like fury where they were out of control. I....actually think I have a chance here too just by utilizing their carelessness.

Just keep dodging until they get tired out, then go for the kill.

Verdict: If I'm patient and can avoid damage.

Quebec City Citadelles

With La Citadelle being a place and not a being or object, I am once again diverting to QC's logo, a snowy owl. One of the most underutilized creatures in sports design...but also a bird. And once again: you have to exist in order to beat me.

Verdict: Birds aren't real. I win.

Elk

Regina Elk

I feel like most of what I said about the Battleborn also applies here, except with antlers instead of horns. However, elk are larger than bighorn sheep, making evading their attacks even easier, and they also shed their antlers, making it way, way easier to beat at certain times of year.

Verdict: Yes.

St. Louis Scarecrows

A scarecrow is an inanimate object with zero life whatsoever. Unlike the Armada, it's not a group of things involving people, unlike the Kraken and the bird teams they actually exist, and unlike the Battleborn they don't have an animal logo to work off. It's just kinda there.

Well, at least I have a new punching bag to train to beat up the other teams with!

Verdict: Inanimate object, easy win.

Whalers

Vancouver Whalers

Whalers are human beings, not the whales themselves. Assuming it's a fair fight where either we both have harpoons or neither of us do, I think this is a win for me. Whalers tend to be portrayed in media as older men, so my younger energy comes up clutch here.

Verdict: Yes.

Yukon Malamutes

Lastly, we end with some dogs. On one end, I should be able to win a fight against a dog, since all it can really do is bite me. But why would I want to fight a malamute?

Verdict: I lose, because those things are a) absolute fucking units and b) completely adorable and I'd spend the whole time trying to pet them.

(1113 words, ready for grading)

***aleks*** · 05-30-2022, 10:34 PM

Cap

***luke*** · 05-30-2022, 10:48 PM

I personally think Elk would fuck your shit up

ACapitalChicago · 05-30-2022, 11:16 PM

05-30-2022, 10:34 PMdmuda11 Wrote: Cap

Yes?

S66 Damian Littleton

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