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***HabsFanFromOntario*** · 06-17-2022, 06:28 PM

Chicago, Illinois

The other day, some refer to as yester eve, a man was found dead and peeled. Upon further investigation is appears as though it was part of a ritual for an exotic cannibal soup. Some investigators claim it was the stupidest murder they'd ever seen. Normal Reporter was on the scene to give us this story.

"Yes, it appears as though the perpetrator was forming a soup to appease the gods of the sim, or sim gods as the colloquially are referred to in this cult. By performing this ritual it seems they were hoping for some dark magic to curse a magnificent old franchise into losing to them. Possible causes are fear, pure jealousy, low T, high T, medium T, wearing underwear that's too tight on your head like a hat but to protect you from the 5 g rays and good old consumption of tide pods. "

Now whether or not a ritual like this would work is highly unlikely, though not impossible. Stranger things have happened, like Valters Denizova going in the first round and Slavakov Vladamirshenko not having retired yet. Given Chicago's clean sweep of the Edmonton Blizzard it does stand to reason this voodoo magic, or curse would have had some impact as literally no other reason for this exists for it to have occurred.

Some more notes is this cursed, terrible, horrible, horrific, soup seems to have contained something even more gruesome than the murder scene itself. Peeled tomatoes, boiled and partially grated. Alcohol, what appears to be a japanese whiskey, and a cheaper tequila brand. A note was left at the scene saying, don't come home if you're going to snore like that. It was signed, your not so loving wife.

Noticing the scene of this heinous crime was the sister of the victim, a Loretta Lou, some might even ask who? The neighbour to the victim, she apparently did not know him at all and found him a little off putting. Apparently he had been asking her out repeatedly despite multiple advances and refusing to understand that no means no. This knowledge does make this tragedy, more of a gedy if you catch my drift.

While there is no reward for information on this crime, if you can prove a connection between it causing Chicago to win handily in the playoffs, season tickets to the Edmonton Blizzard are hypothetically but also definitely on the table, but only if it leads to the firing of the Chicago GM, and the indictment of whoever the horrible crime committer is.

If you or anybody you know has information about the perpetrator, please report it to Head Office, or your local GM to apprehend this monster who will continue terrorizing the SHL community if they are not stopped! Remember to stay vigilant, do your Point Tasks in pairs and stay hydrated.

News next week, Taco Bell Baja Blast: Trash or Super Trash and Juke, the tale of a man who couldn't hit the net if he was surrounded by it on all sides.