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Facing Myself (A rant on personal demons)
#1

Hello everyone, I feel that I am in a bad spot as of late. I’ve been always fighting myself recently and the problem is, I don’t love myself, I gave that up a long time ago. In the past, people have told me that I should try to take a break from sim leagues, but I only do one day, and fall back into the abyss again.

Am I the problem here? I feel like I am panicking for no reason, but.. I feel like I don’t have long left. I have no idea where did I develop these dark thoughts, it’s been hard to be happy as of late. The lack of success in most leagues have mostly ruined the fun, not to mention, I feel like I’m always alone, and when I speak my feelings, I get shot at by almost everyone.

Do I like the league? Of course I do. Can it be a pain in the you know at times? Definitely yes.
I just feel like I’m dragging on a useless player. I just want people to talk to. I’m looking for a way to help the league get better. I’m willing to tank myself mentally to make it better.

Once I start on something, I do not like interference or interruptions from anyone else, they lower my confidence.

I sound like a downer right now. I’m depressed and autistic. Can anyone help me save myself from well, myself?

I apologize for writing this, I just needed to blow off some steam, it’s been a rough few days, and therapy has gone south for me.

I’m just looking for someone to lean on, desperately.

Please help me.

-Valor
(If you wish to talk to me, contact me on discord, ValorX77#5210)

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#2

100% focus on yourself and get better, SHL can always wait.

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#3

Have you considered a therapist? I don’t think anyone here is qualified to help you here, Valor, and a message like this clearly communicates that you could use someone that actually knows what they’re doing.

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#4

09-16-2022, 08:53 AMAce Wrote: Have you considered a therapist? I don’t think anyone here is qualified to help you here, Valor, and a message like this clearly communicates that you could use someone that actually knows what they’re doing.
I have actually been through therapy for the past 3 months, to mixed results.

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#5

09-16-2022, 09:39 AMValorX77 Wrote:
09-16-2022, 08:53 AMAce Wrote: Have you considered a therapist? I don’t think anyone here is qualified to help you here, Valor, and a message like this clearly communicates that you could use someone that actually knows what they’re doing.
I have actually been through therapy for the past 3 months, to mixed results.

I'm on about 4 years of seeing a therapist... don't think I will ever stop going. Granted it took almost a year and a half before I found one that fit me and a medication combo that really started to work because of my anxiety levels. It does take time... as with everything. At first my goal was to minimize my darkness... which took awhile because I couldn't detach myself from losing my father which put me in a pretty deep hole professionally. Finding a way to be productive was difficult when I no longer thought highly of anything I was doing. It led to some serious dark thoughts and actions, which resulted in a longer hospital stay... and multiple family members reaching out, including my 9 year old at the time simply crying that he wanted to be with his Dad again.

I don't say this because that's what it took to get out of my suicidal thoughts, actions and tendencies. I say that because I know it isn't easy. Loved ones... friends... people here... No one will be enough to be that reason to find the light out of that tunnel. It has to be about yourself... It has to be about finding the light for you. I'm not a therapist, hell sometimes I barely have my own shit together on a regular basis. I have two kids from two different moms... and now a fiancée that reminds me every day how much I matter to her and her two kids. Some people here know more about my past than nearly everyone in my day to day life. I am always constantly figuring everything out and I'm 37... Yet I constantly am searching for things to get down about myself, instead of celebrating my successes.

After all that negative though... I continue to search for a purpose. For the most part, I've been able to accept past decisions and not dwell on what people think of me... my mistakes... my failures. I've found enjoyment in being myself more and more. Whether here or in daily life. One of the biggest assets though was finding a therapist that can listen and point out the positives as I open up. Mostly though, I found someone I was comfortable enough to open up to because as long as there are things in a closet tucked away, it is hard to look forward. As I've always told you specifically, I'm always here to chat... but I continue to cheer you on to find the resources needed to help you find the positive in you. You are awesome... through ups or downs... or even a part or not a part of Toronto.

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#6

Try to do things that aren't based in progressing players that expire quickly, spending time upgrading temporary attributes or anything to make things better here while not doing it to yourself first is probably a bad idea.

" I’m willing to tank myself mentally to make it better."
Nobody is asking for this, you could not tank yourself mentally and make it better, mentally tanked doesn't imply better league. How could anyone be fit to make anything better if they first want to make things outside themselves better, knowingly at the price of their own state?

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#7

You're not going to find comfort in sacrificing your own mental health to make a sim league any better. It's pretty clear you're in a place where you need to continue seeking professional help. If one therapist isn't working, get a second one. Maybe ask for some medication to help you through the daily struggles? I don't know your beliefs or anything and don't want to assume, but this isn't the place to ask for a cure. Hope you get through whatever it is that's bringing you down.

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#8

09-16-2022, 11:29 AMWally Wrote:
09-16-2022, 09:39 AMValorX77 Wrote: I have actually been through therapy for the past 3 months, to mixed results.

I'm on about 4 years of seeing a therapist... don't think I will ever stop going.  Granted it took almost a year and a half before I found one that fit me and a medication combo that really started to work because of my anxiety levels.  It does take time... as with everything.  At first my goal was to minimize my darkness... which took awhile because I couldn't detach myself from losing my father which put me in a pretty deep hole professionally.  Finding a way to be productive was difficult when I no longer thought highly of anything I was doing.  It led to some serious dark thoughts and actions, which resulted in a longer hospital stay... and multiple family members reaching out, including my 9 year old at the time simply crying that he wanted to be with his Dad again.

I don't say this because that's what it took to get out of my suicidal thoughts, actions and tendencies.  I say that because I know it isn't easy.  Loved ones... friends... people here... No one will be enough to be that reason to find the light out of that tunnel.  It has to be about yourself... It has to be about finding the light for you.  I'm not a therapist, hell sometimes I barely have my own shit together on a regular basis.  I have two kids from two different moms... and now a fiancée that reminds me every day how much I matter to her and her two kids.  Some people here know more about my past than nearly everyone in my day to day life.  I am always constantly figuring everything out and I'm 37... Yet I constantly am searching for things to get down about myself, instead of celebrating my successes.

After all that negative though... I continue to search for a purpose.  For the most part, I've been able to accept past decisions and not dwell on what people think of me... my mistakes... my failures.  I've found enjoyment in being myself more and more.  Whether here or in daily life.  One of the biggest assets though was finding a therapist that can listen and point out the positives as I open up.  Mostly though, I found someone I was comfortable enough to open up to because as long as there are things in a closet tucked away, it is hard to look forward.  As I've always told you specifically, I'm always here to chat... but I continue to cheer you on to find the resources needed to help you find the positive in you.  You are awesome... through ups or downs... or even a part or not a part of Toronto.

This, /thread.

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#9

09-16-2022, 11:54 AMNJBadApple Wrote: You're not going to find comfort in sacrificing your own mental health to make a sim league any better. 

This is something I have to remind myself of frequently, and I think it’s great advice. This is a hobby. This is supposed to be fun. Hobbies CAN be work, of course, and some of the most rewarding things are the ones you work for, but a hobby should never come at the expense of your mental well-being. At the end of the day, you should at minimum be getting a proportional amount of joy out of a hobby to the work and/or emotional effort you’re putting into it. Don’t spend your leisure time doing things that don’t bring you any joy. That’s not to say “quit as soon as you’re not having fun,” but rather encouragement to keep your eye on the way you’re engaging with it.

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#10

Valor, your value as a human extends far beyond whatever is happening in the SHL. You can’t help the league be better if you are struggling to function yourself. As everyone else has said, I really believe you need to continue with professional help.

In 2020, I enrolled myself in an outpatient program at my local psychiatric hospital. I was experiencing dark and suicidal thoughts constantly, I couldn’t get myself to do basic things like eat, brush my teeth, and shower. I found that going to the psychiatric hospital helped me so much. I don’t know how old your are, but at least for me, there was a program for college students (18-25 year olds) where you would go to the hospital for a few hours multiple times a week. We had intensive group therapy discussions and while that seemed scary at first to open up my darkest thoughts to all these random people, I realized that we were all there to heal. I found the environment very open and non judgemental and I learned so much about myself and got new perspectives on life from people that had it much worse than I did. If you have access to a program such as this, I would highly recommend it. Sometimes having a structure and being around people who are hurting too and will understand your pain can help. I hope you can get through whatever is causing you to struggle, Valor. Please know that you need to take care of yourself before anything, or else your hobbies, career, and relationships will not be as fulfilling as you wish they were.

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#11

I can only second everyone saying to see professional help. Its tedious to find someone that will work well with you, that's for sure, i had to go through 3-4 myself before finding a great one to work with. As much as we would want to help you, as someone said in the thread, no one is fully equipped to help you out as you deserve. Half of us are even fighting our own demons and darkness. The best I could offer you is to help you search the resources available to you near where you live if you need help, as i know this also can be quite intimidating. Feel free to reach if you want that kind of help, or to anyone else here needing a bit of a hand to start their own process.

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