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The Mont-Saint-Grégoire Apple Mystery (first media 2x)
#1
(This post was last modified: 09-27-2022, 02:41 PM by Frenchie. Edited 2 times in total.)

THE HOCKEY NEWS

The Mont-Saint-Grégoire Apple Mystery
by Tukin Boutus


Although this might seem weird to non-Quebec native folks, but a yearly fall tradition that families all around the province partake in is apple picking. This absurd activity in which you walk around an orchard, stepping on a bunch of old rotten apples, take a few pictures with smiles spanning from one cheek to another for the gram, reunites a bunch of different people – overly excited kids that can’t be handled, Pinterest moms who make it a thing to coordinate outfits for the perfect shot and most importantly underwhelmed dads who have to tag along to reach for the top of the tree. “But Tukin, this is Hockey News, what does apple picking have to do with what goes on in the SMJHL and SHL?” Oh, we’ll get there. Strap in, get ready for the ride, this is going to be wild.
 
I left out an important player in the apple-picking scheme, a group per se: all the other uninterested folks that get dragged along. You know when some friends or relatives guilt trip you into having to endure kids screaming, old crusty tractor rides and more often than not inclement weather? Well, yeah, this is these folks all put together, because who even likes to do this? My point exactly. Once again, how does this tie-in to the hockey world? Here it is. Some may remember the odd start to Carolina Kraken camp when highly touted prospects Martin and Logger came in looking heavy and distraught. The team’s PR department did well in covering the story, blaming jet lag (important to note that Quebec and Carolina are in the same time zone) and food poisoning from too much BBQ takeout. Despite the story running its course and eventually fading out, a cloud of doubt remained present over the rookies’ heads. As you are starting to take note, Tukin Boutus never backs down from the truth, and so I started investigating.
 
Newly beloved fan favourites Derek Martin and Liam Logger, Quebec natives had gone back home following the draft, reluctantly some may say, to join up a family gathering at the Verger Charbonneau, a Mont-Saint-Grégoire local orchard popular for its warm donuts and ciders. This last part is important. EXCLUSIVE NEWS: despite different last names, Martin and Logger are united in family by Martin dating Logger’s sister since high school. They both got dragged to this depressing activity by the same person. The day still starts out fine, or as good as it can be given the circumstances. They had strategized on the best way to endure this painful experience, which was a very simple let’s slam a few ciders. The crazy part to this story is that intoxication is not even close to be at the heart of this story, but I’ll get to that. They have a few apple-strawberry hard ciders, delicious by the way (I had time to kill and tasted a few, bite me). Everything after that started to get weird. They got on the old and still functional, although concerning, John Deere tractor. The tractor was more of a white-yellow and brown green from all the terrible aging, a dark omen for what was to come.
 
Rows and rows of trees, more of the same as the road grew longer. I had a look at the map, and the final destination of our story did not appear on it. Indeed, the tractor brought all of the apple picking party to a building on the far right in the back of the property. An old and run-down building stood there, or tried to as cracks in the foundation kept most sane people away from it. Nobody really understood what was going on. Most of them started feeling drowsy; could it be from all the delicious cider? It could have been, but it felt different, or so I was told. This would make sense, when I visited and drank a few, I felt fine afterwards. They were brought inside, where everything would eventually start making sense.
 
From the recollection of multiple people, including our Kraken boys, they were greeted by a room dimly lit from candles, with mysterious humming and disturbing hooded individuals. The details are vague, most likely from the unknown concoction they had been served upon arrival. From all I was able to gather, this seems oddly similar to the infamous Servants of the Golden Apple, a cult that had gathered attention in the medieval renaissance times as well as in more modern times during the early 60s for their unusual practices, revering the forbidden fruit and pledging eternal allegiance to…. a fruit. Their practices could be described as barbaric, but very few documents can accurately describe them. These events are the first sighting of members of this long-lost group in nearly 70 years, and something to be concerned of.
 
I was unable to figure out what exactly transpired on that day in the back of the field. What I do know for a fact is that most people came out looking like ghosts, distanced from their former selves. Nothing was said, everyone left on their own terms, never to talk about these events again. This brings us to today, with the SMJHL season 67 underway and our Carolina Kraken sitting at an upsetting 13th place in the standings. With knowledge of these events affecting highly praised rookies Derek Martin and Liam Logger, whom we know for a fact to be crucial players of this new look Kraken team, we can only speculate as to the nature of these events, why they happened and if this isn’t just a huge conspiracy to keep this storied franchise down after they started inspiring hope across their fanbase. There is the possibility that newly founded franchise, the Nevada Battleborn, could be the ones behind this resurgence of the Servants of the Golden Apple. The evidence points in that direction. How can a 10-year-old franchise rise to such glory in such a small period of time? They clearly sold their souls to a higher power, that of the servants’ cosmic master. Golden Apple? There is gold on the logo. Their name is the Battleborn, the forbidden fruit is seen by the cult as the seed of humanity, from which it was born. The evidence is there, it can't be avoided.
 
The Carolina Kraken have seen their recruits get a shaky start, struggling to find their footing in such a hard time. When reached for comment, General Manager Sve7en mentioned that “any resource at the team’s disposition is being provided to help both the players heal from such troubling times as well as assist local and national investigations in the matter.” When asked to comment on the allegations that the Nevada Battleborn Organization is facing, he said that commenting on active criminal investigations at this time would not be appropriate. The league and the Player’s Association have been made aware of this troubling story and are keeping close attention and weighing their options, staying wary of taking action too quickly against the parties involved.
 
As for myself, I am scared for my safety and that of my pet bird and raccoon, Pudding and Gravy. I have fled to an undisclosed location from where I will keep doing the good work that keeps our league safe and transparent. I will never be intimidated into hiding or not publishing a piece, as its my duty. As always, Tukin Boutus will be a guardian of truth. More to come.



1279 words

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thanks @slothfacekilla for the sig <3
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Ireland
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#2

The Servants of the Golden Apple and the Battleborn must be stopped!

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#3

I know nothing.

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#4

09-27-2022, 02:56 PMvbottas17 Wrote: I know nothing.
Tukin Boutus is calling, care to comment?

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thanks @slothfacekilla for the sig <3
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Ireland
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#5

LMFAO, WORK OF FREAKING ART, I can’t believe you never told me you were such an excellent story teller Frenchie… I mean, uhhhh, it’s definitely 100% real, uh huh, Tukin only ever tells the truth

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#6

Hahaha I knew I was not the only one to pass on that "activity"!
You should see the traffic to go on l'Ile d'Orléans.... crazy shit, a prefer to stay at home than to wait an 1h+ just to cross the bridge.

But I agree that Nevada has something to do with it, or the same group/person responsible for this because even if I didn't went to collect some Golden Apples, I went in Quebec and I'm not the same since then... So much bad games that I should have win, it's the only possible explanation!

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#7

09-27-2022, 08:03 PMAnthique Wrote: Hahaha I knew I was not the only one to pass on that "activity"!
You should see the traffic to go on l'Ile d'Orléans.... crazy shit, a prefer to stay at home than to wait an 1h+ just to cross the bridge.

But I agree that Nevada has something to do with it, or the same group/person responsible for this because even if I didn't went to collect some Golden Apples, I went in Quebec and I'm not the same since then... So much bad games that I should have win, it's the only possible explanation!

At this point, I believe its a mission for Tukin to get to the bottom of these Nevada shenanigans!

[Image: tinywow_FrenchieSig_18046112.gif?ex=651e...bf2671368&]
thanks @slothfacekilla for the sig <3
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Ireland
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