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(GRADED) Deep Dive #1 - The Creation of Pork Tenderloin
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(This post was last modified: 01-02-2023, 05:56 AM by Opera_Phantom. Edited 1 time in total.)

I think we can all agree that hockey players are generally meatheads, right? Well, in the case of Pork Tenderloin, it really couldn’t be more true. Tenderloin was specially designed in a lab that aimed to see the effects of different animal DNA on the tissues of various cuts of pork. There were multiple other cuts of meat that well, didn’t quite make the cut from the perspective of researchers. In the case of Tenderloin, his DNA was modified using a combination of ostrich, pangolin, and just a dash of armadillo. The results were honestly shocking to the researchers as the loin sprung to life and began growing at a rapid rate, taking up larger and larger containment chambers until it essentially needed a whole dormitory room to itself just to be contained. It was alarming to the researchers that their experiment could go so far awry, but intriguing that this result could be achieved. At some point, they determined that it was unethical to contain such a creature and decided that it would be best to attempt to prepare him to go out and face the world.

To the surprise of many researchers, Tenderloin expressed a profound interest in playing hockey. He would sit in his room for hours glued to the TV watching highlights of players over and over. Studying them, attempting to emulate them himself. It wasn’t long before he was able to lace up the skates and take the ice himself. The learning curve was steep but he was determined. He would spend hours practicing his staking and as time went on it seemed that the DNA injected into him made him excel at a few key skills when it came to playing hockey. The ostrich DNA would help with his leg strength, giving him the ability to accelerate at a rapid rate and sustain long shifts on the ice, as well as helping to out muscle any prospective puck battle opponents on the board with some sheer aggression. The pangolin and armadillo DNA combined beautifully to turn him into a prospective shot blocking machine. His skin was remarkably resistant and did not bruise easily even after blocking shot after shot for hours. Not only that, but since both pangolins and armadillos are somewhat skittish creatures, this would give Tenderloin acute abilities when it comes to reading a situation and assessing threats on the ice. This would then allow him to get in a good position to block any plays the opposing team may attempt.

Just taking a look at the stat sheet will tell you that this genetically engineered creature has the skills it takes to make it in the SHL. In his rookie season in the SMJHL he racked up 220 shots blocked, which is good for 4th ALL TIME in the SMJHL. Not only that, but that is certainly the most shots blocked by a rookie in the minor league’s history as well. Not only did he block many shots this season but he also had roughly 3.5 takeaways for each give away, coming in at 41 takeaways and 12 giveaways. He was also just shy of 100 hits, coming in at 97, which is possibly the weakest part of his defensive game. However I think if there’s one thing we can be certain of, Tenderloin will be getting very well tenderized over the course of his hockey career. 

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@Rankle APPROVED! +5 TPE
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