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spidey · 05-23-2023, 04:23 PM

It is that time of the year once again, the SMJHL draft has concluded, and our panel of draft experts are here to break down each pick for each team. With projected totals and out comes from each player. So far he has not been wrong ever, and this is completely not biased reporting whatsoever; also, I am not doing this just to pad my bank account. That would be terrible.

This draft had a ton of great talent throughout, and it will be on the General Managers to help guild and develop each player into becoming stars of the future. That said, not every player selected will end up a star. Some might have a good run, some may have been a mistake, some will just fizzle out and become another who was he or she? Let’s take a look at how they did.

This year I am going to do something a little different. Instead of a round by round break down and each player. I am going to grab each team’s pick and run through the team as a whole and the projected players. A little less copy and paste that have been some of the complaints of the pass (also I will skip 100 – 300 words of just teams saying pass). Let’s work our teams by their first draft picks, first up Anchorage Armada.

Armada

ANCHORAGE ARMADA Armada

The Armada was lucky enough to win the draft lottery and earned…not sure if that is the right word, the right to pick first overall. Not in need of a superstar, needing depth players that would make their team more difficult to play against on all three lines.

Round 1:
1: Armada

Anchorage Armada - Kazuchika Okada
The Rainmaker, Ace of a new era, one of the top new professional wrestlers in Japan…not sure how well he will transition to hockey, last I checked John Cena failed when he tried. He is a great wrestler, but none of his skills translate into a hockey rink. The punches are real, there is no top rope, and if you throw an elbow you are getting 2 mins in the sin bin. Clearly destined to fail.

Round 2:
16: Armada

Anchorage Armada - Dan Johnston
DWAYNE JOHNSON! THE ROCK! OMG, OMG, OMG! I know I terrorized the Armada for picking a wrestler a pick ago, but Dwayne Johnson can do anything, and he excels at it! AMAZING Choice by the Armada with this pick! OH wait, Dan Johnston…Not very Rock like…going to be a letdown, just like I am right now.

Round 3:
30: Armada

Anchorage Armada - Joseph Reed
Reed is looking like the best pick so far for the Armada…and that is a terrible thing to say considering they had first overall and could have picked Dwayne Johnson. Still there was talent out there to be had that could have been amazing (Dwayne Johnson for example) that was not picked. I will say this is a failed opportunity again.

Round 4:
44: Armada

Anchorage Armada - Mike Rogers Jr.
I wish I knew Mike Rogers Senior, to let him know this son has ended up a disappointment. Not only was he selected in the 4th round, but he was selected by the Armada. There is still hope for Mike Rogers Jr. not much, but some, but I see him as a career 4th liner in juniors. Some of you will say there is no 4th line in juniors, to which I say, exactly.

OVERALL:

With better wrestlers and players available at this draft the Anchorage Armada clearly missed the mark on this draft. Its ok we can’t all nail every pick. My guess their war room is currently preparing to draft first overall again next season and diving into upcoming prospects.

ST. LOUIS SCARECROWS

Filled with controversy last season and some spilling over to this season. The Scarecrows went into the draft trying to find a way to bring back some prestige to this franchise. They were armed with three picks in the first round including 2nd overall, giving them the best opportunity to bounce back much like the Vancouver Whalers of last season.

Round 1:
2:

St. Louis Scarecrows - Artturi Lappalainen
Apparently not being afraid of controversy is something that carries on in this franchise as they went for a nobody with the second overall pick. They must have looked behind the alley at the draft party and found this guy picking through the trash, after GMs both drank a little of his home made hooch they were sold on his ability.

10:

St. Louis Scarecrows - Sunrise van de Schubbekutteveen
After the first fumble selection the Crows decided to piss off their fan base even further. Clearly still under the influence of the Atturi’s hooch. They picked up Sunrise van de Schubbekutteveen, I am sure they just mumbled some name at the podium in their drunk slur to get that out. To everyone’s surprise there was someone available with that name.

14:

St. Louis Scarecrows - Dee Fence
Still drunk at this point of the selection, the Scarecrows General Managers stumbled on stage once again. They said something incoherent and a little racist, then managed to shout out. “DEEZ NUTS and we need DEFENCE!” To everyone’s surprise the janitor walked on stage saying I am not a hockey player. Sparky Dee said back “You are now.” And shoved a jersey into his hands.

Round 2:
18:

St. Louis Scarecrows - König Wolf
It looked like the hooch was finally wearing off when their second round pick came along. Sparky rubbing his head looked around, does anyone play hockey that is here right now. Konig Wolf was the first to raise his hand, so sparky chose him. To everyone’s surprise this is the makings of a great pick and could be a real weapon for the Scarecrows in the future. (Everyone gets one)

Round 3:
29:

St. Louis Scarecrows - Sven Holmberg
Still realizing they badly needed defenders Sparky walked on stage for this final pick and said “you” while pointing at Holmberg. “I have no idea what you do, but you are a defender now.” Luckily for Sparky and the Scarecrows it paid off as Holmberg is indeed a defender and with lack of better options may be their top 4 defender this year.

OVERALL:

It was hilarious and a little sad draft for the Scarecrows. If you ignore the drunk slurs and slight bits of racism that Co-General Managers Sparky and Gumbaman said on stage the night was full of improvement. That said if you were already at the bottom, there is only improvement to be had.

Elk

REGINA ELK Elk

Round 1:
3: Elk

Regina Elk - Rowan O'Beirne
I have to be nice, I have to be nice, I have to be nice…He is my General Manager in the SHL. They Regina Elk made an amazing selection on one of the best talents available at this draft. Clearly his knowledge of the game will be an asset to the Elk as he is going to ascend their roster quickly. Fantastic choice by the Elk…That wasn’t nearly as much fun.

Round 2:
15: Elk

Regina Elk - Austin Morley
No longer my future GM, so no longer needing to be nice (Sorry Morley I have to make up for it on you). Morley picked in the second round, which was a huge surprise. I mean the Elk made an amazing pick with the third overall and followed it up with a no talent hack in the second round when there was so much talent yet to be had. How do you go from one of the greatest picks in the draft to one of the worst 12 picks later is beyond me.

23: Elk

Regina Elk - Philippe Le Bel
Le Bel, is Le Boring. That means the I am going to sleep with this pick in English (for those of you who do not speak French). Another swing and a miss for the Elk as Le Bel will act like every other French person, surrender the puck, duck and crawl away from a skirmish in the corner, and give up on a game faster than Arizona trying to get a new arena deal.

Round 3:
33: Elk

Regina Elk - Adrians Skalbergs
It is not often a General Manager can miss on so many opportunities as Blakec had, and odds are he would eventually land another great player. But Blakec defies the odds once again and selects another prospect destined to wash dishes for a living. Lack of talent be damned Adrians will get a chance to make this roster and most likely be kicked off of it just as quick.

Round 4:
45: Elk

Regina Elk - Ana Parast
This player is really interesting, and I can be honest about it. All the talent in the world on offense but has no clue what to do in the offensive zone. Defensively sound game but isn’t brave enough to make the plays. That said Ana is aggressive as hell and skates around the rink screaming unable or unsure to make the moves needed. Going to be a great 4th line defensive unit.

46: Elk

Regina Elk - Zach Cuff Jr
Zach Cuff Senior was an amazing forward and one of the greats of his generation of players, also selected late in his junior draft 5th round. He defied the odds and became a regular star. Zach Cuff Jr does not have any of those talents but still wanting to score, so he chose to be a goalie so he can bang the puck into his own net. Sadly no one has told him those goals do not count for himself and only hurt his team. But he celebrates them none the less, so let the kid enjoy it.

OVERALL:

The Elk made no mistake with their 3rd overall pick, Rowan O'Beirne, A potential generational talent. Everyone else might be riding the short bus to and from the arena as they get special treatment on the ice. Several missed picks on what could have been a historic draft for the Regina Elk.

QUEBEC CITY CITADELLES

Quebec went from number one as champions in season 69 and went to one of the worst record last season. Still reeling from season 69’s successful run, the Citadelles were lacking their mid round picks for a rebuild so they needed to make their first two picks count and strike some gold later in the draft.

Round 1 :
4:

Québec City Citadelles - Jaromir Jagrbomb
SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS, SHOTS! *LFMAO’s shots song kicks on*
I can’t wait to party with this guy. He has the name of the ultimate bar star! That said, he is never going to star in the SHL. Another draft, another weak pick by Quebec City. *Sparky shows up* No we are not drinking right now. *Sparky disappears into shadows*.

Round 2:
17:

Quebec City Citadelles - Jeff Hunziker
Next up for Quebec, Jeff Hunziker. Billed at 5’7”, with heels, Quebec has decided to draft a number a midget…sorry small person for their team. Because if you can’t win games you might as well entertain the crowd. Jeff was brought in for small person bowling night in Quebec. A night that will no doubt fill the coffers as they look to tool up for next season. As this draft is already a bust.

Round 5:
59:

Québec City Citadelles - Zhang Liao
Just trying to find someone to fill in their roster the Quebec Cittadeles picked up Zhang. Honestly they would have done better with leaving it as a pass and just running short some people on their roster. Zhang has all the makings of a superstar bench warmers and could really shine at keeping Elena Maximova butt spot warm for her while she is on the ice.

Round 6:
73:

Quebec City Citadelles - Keegan Gamble
This was a gamble they could have avoided if they didn’t bother to draft this late. Keegan once again is a mistake pick and it would have served them better to just select that PASS character everyone else chose at this spot. But Quebec will do Quebec things.

OVERALL:

Quebec brought in two warm bodies, but they have a long way to go before they will be competitive again. They also selected two fillers that will ride the bench along side other great bench warmers currently in their organization, this draft looks to be a solid meh as little is looking to change in Quebec this season.

Knights

KELOWNA KNIGHTS Knights

To say last season was filled with disappointment would be an understatement for the Knights. Coming into the season with one of the deeper rosters, they squeaked into the playoffs and were eliminated in a long 7 game first round. They looked to the draft to refill and reload with some fresh active talent.

Round 1:
5: Knights

Kelowna Knights - Rocky Orwell
When you pick in the top 5, you are expected to find a fantastic talent. In need of defensive help, the Knights went out and picked up a last minute joinee but one that could become one of the best in this draft. Rocky is already looking like a draft day steal even being picked 5th, and quickly climbing the prospect board on all SHL scouts’ sights. Expect big things from this fantastic pick as this two way defender could become a start #1 defender.

Round 2:
20: Knights

Kelowna Knights - Arthur Kaliyev
I know, I know that name from somewhere…well it must have caught the attention of General Manager Artermis as there was no hesitation in picking up this future star left wing sniper. Arthur will have a bit of competition this first year making their way up the roster. But could end up playing some powerplay minutes and will be given every opportunity to explode in the SMJHL. Another Amazing pick.

21: Knights

Kelowna Knights - Trey Daniels
Artermis must love second round left wingers (Clearly Logan Webb left a good impression last year) as they go to the well once again and select another left winger in the second round! Someone will likely be put on their off wing, and they will adjust. For now, it is another steal of a pick with all the makings of a star.

Round 3:
34: Knights

Kelowna Knights - Activity Check
Sometimes you have to go with best player available, something a lot of teams here could learn, with the 3rd round pick the Knights went that route. Tibuk still available for the next season maybe two, the Knights decided to bring in their future starter in net and learn behind one of the best the SMJHL has to offer. Activity Check is going to be given every opportunity to grow and every opportunity to shine as the Knights know they found an amazing player in the third round.

Round 4:
48: Knights

Kelowna Knights - Joshua Luna
After going best player available last pick, they went to a need with this pick. They rolled the dice on Luna. So far the results are not there yet. He has the makings of a great defender, and hopefully soon we can see that pay off. Worst case scenario, he is better than a number of other pylons out there and will fill in as a defensive specialist on the third line for a few seasons.

OVERALL:
The Kelowna Knights NAILED this draft. Picking 5th overall they captured the players they wanted to get the results they are looking for. The Knights have the depth and strength with veteran players to carry the rookies until it is time for the playoffs. Giving the talented draft class all, it needs to be successful.

Whalers

VANCOUVER WHALERS Whalers

Arguably one of the best draft classes last season, or as the rest of the league has been calling it, the sun shines on a dog’s ass every now and again. The Vancouver Whalers brough out their magic Ouija board once again and threw a bunch of darts randomly at targets and pictures on a board to get the answers to whom they were going to draft. This is the results.

Round 1:
6: Whalers

Vancouver Whalers - Jaden Tanner
When Aleks asked the Ouija board who would look best in the new Vancouver Whaler Jerseys. The board responded with Jaden Tanner. Aleks entire war room begged and pleaded with him not to make the pick, this was a no talent hack that just looked pretty. Alek said, the Ouija board has spoken and grabbed the Tanner before he went somewhere else.

Round 2:
22: Whalers

Vancouver Whalers - Leon Rizzton
Aleks agreed on pick number two, to ask who is the most talented player left to the Ouija board, it responded with Activity Check. Alek couldn’t believe his terrible luck; he didn’t need a goalie. So, he threw a dart at the board and it stuck to Leon Rizzton. Again, the War room erupted begging him not to pick the no talent bum. But Alek would not deviate from his draft process and grabbed the struggling defender.

Round 3:
32: Whalers

Vancouver Whalers - Scott Seitz
Aleks already feeling like he had won the Four Star Cup with the selections he made asked the Ouija board who would the fans cheer for? The board picked out Arthur Kaliyev. Aleks tried to select Kaliyev only to find out they were already picked. Annoyed he said first person to the stage gets picked. Scott Seitz just happened to be passing by lost and unsure of what was going on, so Aleks jumped at this accountant who doesn’t even know what hockey is.

36: Whalers

Vancouver Whalers - Remington Richardson
With their second pick in the third round Aleks promised not to make a mistake. The war room begged for him to pick someone with talent, someone that knew hockey, someone that played hockey. So he asked the board for someone that plays hockey, it offered Bellamy Blake. Aleks recognized the name but not sure from where, luckily his co-GM Ripped in ahead of him and shouted “Remington…” but Aleks cut him off, with a “Richardson” selecting a player neither had heard of…another shot and another miss.

Round 4:
50: Whalers

Vancouver Whalers - Colt Fox
Pissed off at a terrible draft process, Aleks heavily drank over the next 13 picks. Came to the mike yelling at the crowd and mumbling about Ouija doesn’t know shit. And threw a dart into the air at the crowd. It managed to lodge itself into Colt Fox who is now a one eyed wonder and selected onto the Vancouver Whalers as a plea bargain deal.

OVERALL:

Don’t trust Ouija boards and games of chance. While last season it worked out for the Vancouver Whalers this season looks like they filled their roster with busts and mistakes made by management. Hopefully a few pan out but judging by the selection process it will be a season of failed experiments.

Kraken

CAROLINA KRAKEN Kraken

This maybe the team in most need of a refresh. They had a great group of players last season and at times looked like the team to beat. Unfortunately, they couldn’t string together enough wins to keep that rolling and losing out on some of the most talented SMJHL talent this year as they age out, the Kraken needed to strike gold.

Round 1:
7: Kraken

Carolina Kraken - Lazer Gato
The Kraken had a lot of needs from the crease out this season. Clearly defense was one of them. Picking Lazer was not a way to help them with this need. Listen if you are named Lazer three things are going to happen. 1. You know your parents never loved you because they named you Lazer. 2. You are destined to fail. 3. Someone like the Kraken will pick you first in their draft because they have no creativity or want to succeed. And here we are.

Round 2:
19: Kraken

Carolina Kraken - Westley Kirkpatrick
Following the name game from earlier the Kraken realized that Lazer may have not been the best first name to pick in a draft. So, with their second round pick they grabbed someone who had three first names combined Westly Kirk Patrick. Perhaps they thought they were getting three people in one pick, or perhaps they figured three names are better then one. Anyway, you look at it 3 x 0 in talent still equals 0.

24: Kraken

Carolina Kraken - Bjorn Arneson
Realizing they have made no improvement on defense and still needing to fill in two more spots the Kraken grabbed the most original name they could think of with Bjorn. Hoping Viking magic may run through his blood, and he will be a warrior on their back end, they were disappointed to see was Swedish and believed in neutrality. Another miss of a pick.

Round 4:
55: Kraken

Carolina Kraken - rony mcdoudelberg
After three picks the Kraken decided it might be time to finally address the most important position in the game as they do not have one goalie on their roster! Another showing of how important goalies really are to GMs. They grabbed Rony McDoudelberg which in Scottish means Swiss Cheese. One of the many reasons they grabbed another goalie in free agency, as he is destined to well be lit up.

Round 5:
61: Kraken

Carolina Kraken - Sam Del Vescovo
Still needing to round out their roster, the Kraken went to the well and grabbed the most generic player build they could find. A jack of all trades but a master of none, someone who excels at nothing and is weak nearly across the board. But he is very aggressive at doing nothing and isn’t afraid to let it be known. Overall, terrible choice.

OVERALL:
Playing the name game has turned out terrible for the Kraken, a weak draft will do little to address their weaknesses and they are going to be lit up with opposing forwards as their defense and goalies struggle to find their way. Better choices and players were available, but they did their own thing.

Falcons

DETROIT FALCONS Falcons

If I am being honest, Detroit had exceeded expectations last season and finished a lot better than I and a few early season publicist believed they would. This season, I am once again painting them near the bottom of the barrel with a lot of work that needs to be done. With only a couple of stars and no goaltending Detroit desperately needs to strike gold at this draft.

Round 1:
8: Falcons

Detroit Falcons - Zedward Zilliams
Apparently Detroit decided to ignore my warning about striking gold and went for good old fashion lead. Not really useful any more but great for slowly poisoning your own team. Zedward is the lead standard in this draft class with terrible play and no talent. He will drag those around him down just like this franchise.

11: Falcons

Detroit Falcons - The Murray
The Murray is The terrible, a huge miss by the Falcons, listen they have real needs everywhere they could have just drafted best player available but instead they went with someone who doesn’t even have a first name! THE is going to be The bottom of the league in all major stats for a lot of seasons to come. Keeping up the Lead Standard.

Round 3:
35: Falcons

Detroit Falcons - Wayne Holloway
I had hopes Detroit would dig a little deeper with this pick, but like so many other scouts and geologist they found the first shiny rock and went running to the podium just to find out later it was a piece of fool’s gold. Holloway, looks good, has a solid build, and should be a goalie of the future. Instead, he will be the goalie who rides the bench. At this point put a Pylon in net and ride out the season.

37: Falcons

Detroit Falcons - Trevor Lahey
I actually had high hopes for Lahey, but seeing Detroit call his name I am guessing I was mistaken. Clearly destined for mediocrity Lahey has two things to look forward to. 1. Not having to try and still becoming a star in Detroit. 2. Like so many other great players before him, finally getting out of Detroit in 4 more seasons. Sorry Lahey, you could have been great.

Round 4 :
51: Falcons

Detroit Falcons - RIP Pat Stay
Just stay dead Pat, it will be better for everyone. Detroit was not done digging for gold when they selected RIP Pat Stay. They found a tombstone and believed it to be an ancient relic. Learning from their lessons earlier they kept on digging until they found a skeleton and decided this could be their future first line defender. With all the talent of a dead person, or the rest of Falcon’s roster Detroit felt like they struct gold.

OVERALL:

Looking for gold, they came away with two pieces of lead, a piece of fool’s gold, an unpolished rock, and a tombstone with a skeleton attached to it. As for Detroit’s recent standards at the draft this can be considered a win. Everyone else considers this a big miss of a much needed refresh.