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Know Your Knights: Ekaterina Valieva [EDITED VIDEO]
#1

*Kelowna Knights logo on a black background fades, replaced with the following message*
What you are about to see is a failed Know Your Knights episode with former Captain Ekaterina Valieva. 
The footage has been edited for legal reasons. The interview was recorded partway through Season 70. 
Thanks, Your Kelowna Knights Legal Team

*cut to Crystal McLeod and Ekaterina sitting in the Knights Locker Room*

Crystal: Hello, everyone! I'm Crystal McLeod of your Kelowna Knights, and this is episode 2 of our new series "Know Your Knights". Joining me today is Ekaterina Valieva.

How are you Ekaterina?


E: Not good. Played bad tonight. Coach said to be aggressive, but I did not know I could not hit the coach of the other team. Had a bad penalty. We lost, I felt bad.

C: Yeah, we're only allowed to hit other players in North America. I honestly assumed it was the same way in Russia. Is the game that much more physical over there?

E: We fight more in Russia. We fight more with spectators. My mom used to fight a lot in the stands and she was a good model to follow. It is why I played hockey after being banned from weightlifting.
You are a great fighter too, Crystal. Women in Kelowna are examples for all the little girls. It is not because you are a little girl that you cannot do great things. Even if you are 9 and a girl, you can stand to your bullies. 

*Visible edit*

C: Hey, I appreciate you saying that! Everyone talks about wanting strong women role models, but get scared when that strength is physical, eh?

Alright, so, you came over to North America from Russia to play. How have you found the US and Canada so far?

E: I was lost. I used to be very well known in Russia, but they did not want me to play in Russia anymore.  Said that my strategy to hit in the face and hurt the other goalies was not fair. Mom said that I should come to America to find rich American husband and play hockey. I was picked by St.Louis, but they traded me the same day. I was sad.  I did not know well Canada, or that Columbia had a British province in the North. 


*visible cut* 

E: Coach was good. Patient man. Good man. I learned that I could do more things than push the goalies in their own net. I was happy. 
Kelowna looks a lot like home, but with fresh air, less vodka and Tim Hortons.

C: Wow, yeah. Well, I'm glad you've found a home in Kelowna and you seem happy here. And hey, Drinking Age here is lower than the states, I bet we can find you some vodka.

So, let's get to know Ekaterina the person a little bit more. We all see you making big hits and big punches, but you're something of a mystery to a lot of fans. Let's start with some simple questions. What's your favorite food?

E: Mom makes good beef stroganoff before games. Says it good for energy. *visible cut* You?  What your best food?

C: Well, back home in Ohio we have a special Greek meat sauce with spaghetti dish we call "Cincinnati Chili", but it's not really chili. Can't get it up here, but some of my fondest memories are eating that after winning games in Pee-Wee and Bantam leagues.

*video continues but a censor bar is placed over Ekaterina's mouth and Knights Of The Round Table plays in place of audio'*

C: Do you have a favorite movie?


E: A lot. I love movies. There is a Russian movie called Rocky 4. Drago comes to America. Destroys Apollo Creed. Rocky not happy. And it cuts there.  It is 40 minutes long. Vrana said that they cut the movie and Rocky wins at the end, but it is impossible.
Do you like movies?  Do you have favorites for me to watch?

C: Oh geez. Have you seen Goon? Great movie about hockey enforcers

E: Yes, it looks like my story. I could not skate. Got picked by a Canadian team,

*visible cut*

C: So, you have any nicknames on or off the ice?

E: They used to call me Mother Russia when I was at the Olympics. I won a lot of medals. Russia proud.

C: As good of a nickname as any, I reckon.

Is there anything this season that you're really looking forward to? Playing against a certain team or player, etc?

E: I want to win a cup in America. When I won a cup in peewee tournament, they had vodka in it, it was great. I want to live that here.  Team gave me so much, I want to give back. Last season, I thought we would win. This season, great new players, I want to win. They named me captain. I was sad. I thought they would give me a boat and I would wear pirate eye patch. But gives me responsibility for my team. They traded for me. They gave me everything. I do not like that I cannot stay in league for 4 more seasons.


*another visible cut*

C: Honestly, I'm looking forward to the same thing. We've got a great base and our start has been rough but hopefully we can turn it around and bring that cup home to Kelowna. And of course, being voted in as Captain of the Knights, how does that feel so far?

E: I thought it was a joke, to laugh at me. I am not good with people. I know I do not give always best example. But on the ice, I think team knows I believe in them. Last year, we had bad start, like this one. Team came together, we stopped eating at Mc Donalds and drinking before game, and we won a lot of games. But I have a rough season. Maybe I should wear my pirate eye patch?

C: Hey, I voted for you completely seriously. In my short time with the team, you've been a rock.

I wouldn't wear it on the ice, bur showing up to the game in it might boost moral a lot!

E: I think I will. And thanks for kind words. You great friend. *visible cut* even if you bring cam recorder and YouTube in locker room.

C: Only while we're fully dressed, I promise

E: Oh, I was supposed to be fully dressed?!?

C: (to cameraman) DON'T YOU DARE PAN DOWN

E: This is great thing you do. A lot of people do not understand me and do not see that I am like a Matryoshka doll, and only see the player that is put in front of net to push everybody. Or hit players. Or make the headlines for stealing zamboni and selling it to black market. I also have feelings. And a Tinder profile.

C: Yeah? Any luck on that front?


E: Yeah. I put Anna Kournikova as picture.

C: Oh honey, okay. Do you need dating app advice?

E: Please, do!

C: First free tip: don't catfish people

E: Don't bring a catfish on a first date. Check.

C: No, no, no. Use your own pictures! I know several people who would go nuts for you. Most of them are, admittedly, women, but I'm sure there are guys out there who would love a big strong hockey player

E: I am still young. I look forward to find rich husband. Thank you for the tip. And the interview. I sure we will become friends. Go walk in the mountains together. And fight bears in the forest. (edited)

C: onestly, that sounds fucking amazing! We'll get this edited and up on the YouTube in a few days.

In the meantime, this is Crystal McLeod, with YOUR Kelowna Knighta, signing off. Goodnight, Knights Nation!


*video fades to black*

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#2

Where can I sign the petition for the uncensored version?

It was great doing that with you!

---
Ekaterina Valieva - Baltimore Platoon

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Thanks @Lazyeye for the sig!
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#3

Hilarious!

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Sig by Lazyeye
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Knights Timber pride
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