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spidey · 05-27-2023, 01:56 PM

“Err,ah Good Morning Knight’s fans, this is your favorite unofficial coach and reporter extraordinaire, coach Spidey Webb, coming to you with another addition of preseason news for the nights. This group is looking exceptional this year. And I am here to break down the regular season with you and go over expected results.”

Webb moves to the side as shows off the team stretching on the ice as they begin to warm up. He starts to pick out different players as he talks.

“This year we are being led by Mu Wisconsin, the veteran is back and looking better then ever, as they take our offense by the gonads and will be dominating the league. Mu is being supported by the male fashion designer Cevin Klim at center, Ck was an amazing pick up at the end of last season and has worked double hard during the offseason to prepare for a dominate year. Finally, a rather handsome devil Logan (wannabe) Webb is going to be riding support as they look to dominate this year.”

“ On the back end the Knights know they can rely on Rikaad Alkaseltzer as he will fizz up and pop off any forwards looking to break into their own zone. He’s got them there supports with Isak SoGaurd as they guard the net together. And they are going to get offensive support with an offensive punch to the enemies faces by Crytal clear Mcloud as she drops an elbow, a stick to keep the opponents honest.”

“In between them there pipes is none other then my buddy Tim-buck Sonnyka. A living legend in the “J” as he has already won awards through his second year. He is going to be a brick wall, with no holes, as he keeps them pucks from touching that there net.”

“Finally, we have a score of rooks coming in, these there rookies look erm, you know fantastic! They got the skills that will pay the bills as the kids say. Rocky Balboa Orwell, Arty Kaykay and Trey Dansnacks are just buzzing around with excitement, like when I get a free beer at the bar. Activity Check is keeping the forwards in check with goaltending we haven’t seen since Tim-bucks rookie season. Dis group is looking pretty darned good.”

Spidey Webb steps back directly in front of the camera, “alright lets take a look at this schedule coming out.” Beside him a breakdown of the Kelowna Knights schedule comes on the screen and he points to the wrong side of the screen.

10/4/2037 Kelowna Knights vs Regina Elk
“Oooorrrh Boy, this here is a big one, the seasons is erm going to start with a big one. Every team plays on opening night yous see. Well erm um, everyone that matters. And the Knights, they are taking on a Regina squad that looks good, they look good. But the ways I sees it breaks down.”

“The Knights come in early and score two maybe threes goals in the first period. The Regina Elks are battered and crying in the locker room resided during intermission the game is over. Sooo they come out in the second period and just hand shake the Knights and it is a big “W” to start the year off with 2 points on the board.”

Kelowna Knights Record: 1 – 0 – 0

10/5/2037 Kelowna Knights vs Detroit Falcons
“No rest for da wicked in as the Knights are forced to do a back to back games. But they look ready as they face da dirty birds and the Detroit Falcons. This there is a good team but they look like they are going through a rebuild right nows meaning they can be beat, but they can’t be taken lightly.”

“Hows I sees this game going. The Knights will dash in but there Detroit goalie, he’s not there going to be an easy one. A lot of back and forth as the Knights are going to be using their own backup Activity Check tonight. But the difference maker will be when a scrum happens in the crease, Crystal McLoud is going to take off her skate and stab the netminder in the third. She will get 2 mins for roughing but they Detroit will have their back up come in. OT the Knights will score and win the game for another BIG WIN!”

Kelowna Knights Record: 2 – 0 – 0

10/9/2037 Quebec City Cittadelles vs Kelowna Knights
“What kind of team are you gonna see in KeyBeck, no one knows, they were champions two seasons ago, then they were chumps last season. The Knights are ready for the chumps and can take it to the champs.”

“The ways I sees it, the Knights will show up and KeyBeck is going to skate around in circles with the puck, just skating around in circles. They plan on being like Rocky Balboa from the movies where they get pummled and tired out their opponents until they lay a knock out blow. But Keybeck doesn’t know we has our own Rocky on the team, he is going to line them up and knock them out and we will get the win with a big goal.”

Kelowna Knights Record: 3 – 0 – 0

10/9/2037 Kelowna Knights vs Maine Timber
“Let’s me tell you this the Timber are cap circumventors and just claim all the talent, but they ain’t talented enough for the Knights.”

“This one is a quick one – two – three, and that is another win for the Knights as they take down the Maine Cheaters.”

Kelowna Knights Record: 4 – 0 – 0

10/11/2037 – Kelowna Knights vs Nevada Battleborn
“This group of Christmas elves on ice are looking even better then befores. They must have sacrificed a virgin goat this year. But even the extra powers of Santa on there side they ain’t gonna be any match for the Knights.”

“You sees they are gonna try and distract the Knights with promise of Christmas presents and being good and stuff. Santa is a trickster you know. But the Knights are old enough to not believe in Santa any more so they are gonna stuff it to them, and you know what. This is another 2 points with a win.

Kelowna Knights Record: 5 – 0 – 0

10/13/2037 Kelowna Knights vs St. Louis Scarecrows
“St. Lois is looking like a demon luckily this is not on Friday the 13th so they have no extra powers tonight on the ice. Without the powers they are push overs as they erm ah can’t suck at everything.”

“I could go into details here, but we all know what this is, this is another 2 points and another win.”

Kelowna Knights Record: 6 – 0 – 0

10/15/2037 Vancouver Whalers vs Kelowna Knights
“Da Whales are looking bloated and sluggish as day are not ready for the season even a half month in. I er ah blame that on poor coaching as we know the Whales have some of the worst coaches in the planet.”

“The Knights are motivated in this one as they play with der hearts on der sleeves. They will be changing whales into Starfishes as they slam dem on them boards. After the whalers have shipped 18 players to the hospital and the back up goalie is forced to play all 5 skating positions da Knights win this one 10 – 0. That’s another big W.”

Kelowna Knights Record: 7 – 0 - 0

10/16/2037 Kelowna Knights vs Colorado Raptors
“Now I don’t knows about yous but I have never seen a dinosaur on skates. Most of the time they are allergic to ice so this ones weird to me. I can’t see them ever being a good team as Dinosaurs typically like to be warm, also blue dinos I don’t know that seems like a childs failed art project.”

“The knights make quick work of the giant lizards and stuff them back to the earth to become more usefuls stuff like oil. As the Knights beat the tar out of the blue dinos in a UGHE game. Clearly the stuff we expect out of the Knights. That is another W.”

Kelowna Knights Record: 8 – 0 – 0

10/18/2037 Kelowna Knights vs Yukon Malamutes
“The dogs of the North howevers loves the snow and ice. These guys will not be like a big dumb blue dinosaur. They are looking good the mutts. They have worked hard in the off season probably a similar record to the Knights.”

“But the difference makers here are the rooks as they comes in and erm ah they just work over the rooks on the Malamutes side. It is almost embarssing if you weren’t a Knights fan like I am. The rooks score 5 goals themselves and the vets are just there to cheer them on from the bench. Dis is another big Dub for the Knights.”

Kelowna Knights Record: 9 – 0 – 0
“You know what let’s just pick dis, dere up a bits and go lightning round.”

10/20 – Anchorage Armada
“OH DAT’S a win. No contentest. NEXT.”

10/21 – St. Louis Scarecrows
“Bend them over and call them alter boys, cus like Father Leonard once told me, don’t worry its over!”
*You can’t say that*
“What boys? Sorry they can be what ever gender they want.”

10/24 – St. Louis Scarecrows
“Another round with the Crows means another Dubbau for the Knights!”

10/25 – Colorado Blue Dinos
“Dinos are dumb, small brains. Clearly don’t know the rules and this is a win!”

10/27 – Newfoundland Berserkers
“Newfs are not known for hockey, clearly dis is another Knights win.”

10/29 – Yukon Malamutes
“You know what, I think this can be chalked up to a win.”

10/30 – Vancouver Whalers
“Dah Whales are gonna sink, or float, or breach a beach…what ever is the worst case scenario, Knights win.”

11/3 – Quebec City Citadelles
“French only know how to surrender, so one punch from Crystal and they fall over, guess who wins…DA KNIGHTS.”
11/5 – Maine Timber
“I’m Yelling Timber, Dere gonna CRASH. And lose. Knights Win in an easy one.”

11/6 – Quebec City Citadelles
“Back to backs means nothing to the Knights when they erm playing against surrender suckers. Without a fight Knights win.”

11/8 – Colorado Raptors
“Hey dinos went exstink because they couldn’t play hockey. One of the many facts of life and science. So dis is another big win for the Knights.”

11/10 Newfoundland Berserkers
“Not ready for the Knights the Berserkers are beaten to a pulp. Let’s be honest they aren’t the players they once were. Knights win.”

11/17 Carolina Kraken
“With 7 days off and the Knights go off on the Squidlets and take the win and then dine on Calamari that there night.”

11/20 – Newfoundland Berserkers
“Riding high da Knights put up another win.”

11/21 – Vancouver Whalers
“Total team game, dats what the Whalers are missing, because of this the Knights just roll over dem Whales.”

11/23 – Regina Elks
“Dis is 2 points we can all agree.”

11/25 – Detroit Falcons
“Da dirty birds are shot down as erm da Knights take another easy W.”

11/27 – Detroit Falcons
“Still not recovered, and still crying, the Knights show no mercy to Big Birds flock as they storm into sesame street and have their way with the neighborhood. Dat’s two points!”

11/29 – Newfoundland Berserkers
“You know dem Newfies are good people, its too bad because bad things tend to happen to good people. The Knights run them through and take the dub in a one side victory.”

12/2 – Newfoundland Berserkers
“Its almost time for Christmas and the Berserkers asked for a win, but erm ah the Knights are not in the giving mood and they ain’t no Santa, that’s another win for the guys in armor.”

12/4 – Anchorage Armada
“The Armada will drop anchor and never get out of port as the Knights cruise by for another win.”

12/5 – Carolina Kraken
“After beating the boats at sea, they take on the mighty Kraken, just to find out they are weak jellyfish with no spine. This is a win.”

12/8 – Anchorage Armada
“Dah boats finally figure out how to weigh anchor, unfortunately it is after the Knights win and they are left with another loss after a terrible game.”

12/10 – Great Falls Grizzlies
“I keep hearing year of da Grizzlies, but the big bear looks more like Winnie-da-poo in their poop brown jerseys dashing around the ice. As they are busy looking for the honey pot, the Knights are scoring all da goals. That is a win for the Knights.”

12/12 – Regina Elk
“Elk are no better then bears, as bears beat Elk. And as Knights beat bears the Knights beat Elks. Knights win another big one.”

12/14 – Vancouver Whalers
“Already conquered the seas against the boats and jellyfish the knights find the Whales an easy opponent as they hunt them down faster then Japanese on the open seas. That is a W.”

12/15 – Colorado Raptors
“Hmm… well that is two points for dem Knights.

12/18 – Vancouver Whalers
“Gonna be anudder big win for the Knights as they beat a whale.”

12/22 – St. Louis Scarecrows
“The power of awesome compels you as the Knights beat back the demon muppets.”

12/27 – Great Falls Grizzlies
“Da bears, are looking more like gentle Ben as the Knights work around them and beat them to a pulp.”

12/29 – Carolina Kraken
“The Kraken make a new year’s resolution to have a win against the Knights as the Knights take another win today.”

12/30 – Maine Timber
“There them Knights do there them thing and get another big win over the pylons on the ice.”

1/1 – Carolina Kraken
“And like so many other resolutions this one is bound to fail as the Knights take a win.”

1/7 – Yukon Malamutes
“The erm ah Knights rub the noses of the Malamutes in the stinking pile they left in the corner to help them not do this mess again, bad doggos. Knight’s win.”

1/9 – Yukon Malamutes
“They did it again and left a steaming pile in the corner. The Knights win!”

1/11 – Quebec City Citadelles
“KEYBECK lays down arms and surrenders before the Knights even show up. Locking the doors to the fortress and crying in a corner. Auto give up is another 2 points for dem Knights.”

1/13 – Nevada Battleborn
“Santa is back with his elfs, but the Christmas magic is over as we are in da new years, so they are just push overs as they are small and weak. Knights take this one.”

1/16 – Detroit Falcons
“2 points knights, nothing else needed heres, you know what let’s make if 4 points and that way the Falcons can have an extra day off next game against dem Knights.”

1/21 – Carolina Kraken
“After playing slap the tentacle they shove it where the sign don’t shine like a reverse hentai film and walk away with 2 more points.”

1/23 – Great Falls Grizzlies
“Wanting to go on an adventure in the 100 acre woods Pooh Bear and his friends are no match for the onslaught of an army of Knights, dats two points!”

1/24 – Detroit Falcons
“The birds take the day off as the Knights already claimed the 2 points, moving on.”

1/26 – Main Timber
“Logs make good hockey sticks, but they are used by hockey players. The logs are used by da Knights as they there um run the score up on an easy win.”

1/28 – Colorado Raptors
“Barney’s special cousin is beaten down by the Knights for 2 points.”

2/2 – Vancouver Whalers
“Say syonara as the Knights hunt down the Whales for two points.”

2/4 – Anchorage Armada
“Then they take their fleet and bombard the Armada for another twofer.”

2/5 – Regina Elk
“Dem Elks are no match as the Knights beat them bloody.”

2/8 – Great Falls Grizzlies
“Still working their way through the forest like some predator alien the Knights collect bear skulls and wins for prizes.”

2/9 – Carolina Kraken
“Calamari is back on da menus as dem Knights dine on the squid.”

2/11 – Nevada Battleborn
“OOOOH Satan not santa…my mistake, still the devil has no power here as the Knights beat them back on their holy crusade.”

2/15 – Nevada Battleborn
“Still feeling the effects from the last game together the sheep-goat people act like they have their head caught in the post and waiting for farmer brown to full fill a need. As the Knights have their way to 2 points!”

2/16 Quebec City Citadelles
“Keybeck finally gets up the nerve to fight back, but McLoud runs over their defense and goalie and the Knights rally for another win.”

2/18 – Detroit Falcons
“Officially changing the name to the Squawking Chickens they skate around the rink without direction as if they just had their heads chopped off. Knights win!”

2/22 – Quebec City Citadelles
“Another day, another French surrender as the Knights walk in and out with two easy points!”

2/25 – Newfoundland Berserkers
“Clearly Newfies are upset, dey wanted those there two points from Keybeck, they try to take it out on the knights with der singing songs, but they get into a mood and start drinkin too much beer at tha game forgetting to play. The Knights steal another big win.”

2/26 – Colorado Raptors
“Hearing the songs from above the blue dinos start singing about loving you and them, but the Knights are not in a loving mood and just run them through with 2 more points in da pocket. To close out da season.”

*The screen refocuses back into practice as Coach Spidey Webb does a little victory dance swinging his hips and shuffling his arms back and forth.*

“Now I am not a not ah…errr… Math-a-magician, or erhmmm one of them geologist with science sending rockets off to the moons. But If I was careful in my decisions and my math is correct it looks to me like the knights are gonna play a 66 – 0 – 0 season easy. This does seem to be the year where it all comes together as the Knights win it all. Yous all heared it from me first, and remember, Knights WIN, Knight WIN! GO erhm, Knights!”

***PapaSorin*** · 05-27-2023, 02:21 PM

Grizzlies gonna rip ya to shreds. Just you wait, it is inevitable. #YearOfTheGrizz

cly · 05-27-2023, 04:40 PM

this is my favorite thing ever

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