A COMPLETELY UNBIASED DRAFT RANKING REPORT




With the S76 junior draft quickly approaching it’s time that we get pertinent information in front of GMs scrambling to scout out the eligible players who are popping up daily. It’s also time to give the fans a sneak peek at the top 10 SHL hopefuls projected to go in the first round. It is this (anonymous) writer’s opinion that there are some overlooked players that many GMs haven’t spoken to yet and will be looking back with regret once things are all settled. With that out of the way, let’s dive in!

#1. Skyler Stevens

This guy looks familiar but I can’t quite figure out why. I’ve heard the name before, but I’m not sure if it’s just my brain tricking me into thinking this is a doppelganger of a former player or just connecting two super common Canadian names.
This speed demon looks like he’s ready to be a part of every opposing team’s defensive review. Not the most generous with the puck movement, but once he’s got it on his stick, he’s sure to be trouble. One of the fastest in the class with matching stamina to sustain through the game, there’s no wonder he’s a top prospect.
Here’s hoping this winger lives up to the hype.

Combine rating: A+
Expected draft position: Top 3

#2. Smirnov Light III

A true all arounder who you can tell eats, breathes, and lives hockey. I bet this guy hasn’t even played a Pokemon Game. Pokemon Go? He wants pokechecks and go for the goal. A massive 6’3, 214lb center flying in from Philly, this big boy can move. Just as fast as Skyler and proved he could last just as long during the combine (too bad that doesn’t carry over off the ice except the fast part from what my sources tell me), he’s another top prospect to watch. Look to see Smirnov on the board and ice early.

Combine rating: A+
Expected draft position: Top 3

#3. Swedish Chef

Another beefcake of a forward topping the charts after combine is the two-way right winger out of Sweden. This man clearly has eaten their fair share of fire roasted hotdogs. While Smirnov might not get the reference, sources say he snores and looks like Snorlax on the bus. Those extra meat tubes seem to be slowing him down compared to our previously reviewed draftees, but he was first on and last off the ice at combine. This guy has staying power. Let’s see if he can stay in the league when the competition gets started.

Combine rating: B+
Expected draft position: Late first round

#4. LiMu Emu

Hey – I’ve definitely seen this guy on TV. Wait… this is the bird though? Where’s the mustache guy? Is this legal? I guess with Canada being the hockey capital of the world, some animal is going to figure the game out if they watch enough. Not sure what to say about this one - super strong, great reflexes, strong legs, hates people getting near their nest. Err… net. Hates people getting near their net. Keep an eye on teams with flagging attendance looking to add this bird to their flock.

Combine rating: SQUAWK
Expected draft position: Top 8

#5. Evil Kyle Murray

It’s weird that they had to put the extra adjective. I always thought this was implied? For a guy that jumped teams so often in college, it makes sense that he’s jumping sports now. Our first goalie on the list that’s expected to go in the first round. A sensible position for a stationary QB who doesn’t know how to skate. Great reflexes from all that time looking over the offensive line will play well for him, but just like in his original profession, his passing game could use some improvement.

Combine rating: F - went to the wrong one
Expected draft position: Top 8

#6. Theo Kane

A change of pace from some of our other villains draftees, we finally have a light and athletic winger breaching the top charts. This guy looks like a serious playmaker. A quick stick and a jack of all trades, this one has potential to be a star with the right program and guidance. Slower than his larger counterparts at the wing position, what Theo lacks in speed he makes up in game sense and a solid name. Expect a high draft for this moldable lump of Clayne. Klayne? Kane. Whatever, you get it.

Combine rating: B
Expected draft position: Top 5

#7. AT-AT Wøllker

If you haven’t felt the force of this guy’s hits, you’re in for an awakening. He may be a lucky team’s new hope of bringing down the phantom menace star dangler. He deals in absolutes and shoots first no matter what Han says. Look for this guy to strike back sith avengeance on anyone who stands in his way. You don’t want to be on their dark side. Somehow Wøllker has returned.

Combine rating: *force choking noises*
Expected draft position: Whatever they choose

#8. Hockey Player

A mysterious figure approaches. Hockey player, coming to us from None, None, is the biggest mystery of them all. No combine appearance, no backstory, no junior or collegiate affiliation. I don’t think anyone has even verified their identity. No one has seen them play, no one has seen them period. I’m a little worried writing this piece that this might be the last you’ll ever hear from me. If I don’t make it to the draft, know that it was Hockey Player who stopped me. I’ll be hanging out in this safe spot an old Boeing engineer friend of mine told me about. I think that’s probably the best place to hide for now.

Combine rating: Y++
Expected draft position: Top 5, but they’ll just mail you the signed contract.

#9. Chairy Styles

There has been so much buzz about this guy I can’t believe he’s so far down the list. From his incredible combine performance to his stellar GM interviews, I can only imagine the absolute bloodbath the backroom trade deals must be to move up to #1 and scoop up this prize. An incredible playmaker with speed and defensive playmaking ability, the sky's the limit for the future hall of famer. He puts every other draft pick to shame and there’s rumors the SHL might make an exception for him to skip juniors all together because of his potential. McGretzkDavid is a name being tossed around in GM conversations. I’m personally excited to see where he goes. At the time of writing, it looks like he’s headed to Ottawa as first overall.

Combine rating: A++++++
Expect draft position: First overall by a mile

#10. Jeyeff Effo

An offensive defensemen ready to trust his goalie out on an island while he lets his hair flow and shots sail. I’ve seen this guy shoot from the center line and nail the top shelf. Rising slap shot? This draftee has trick shots. Think knuckle puck from the mighty ducks movies, you better get out of the way when this giant of a viking rolls into a wind up. He’s frequently on the wrong side of the ice and sometimes forgets which direction they should be shooting, but that’s a tradeoff worth taking with this kind of offensive firepower. When asked why they didn’t play offense, they just shrugged and explained that in Svalbarðsstrandarhreppur, defense and offense aren’t different. You get on your longship, grab your sword and shield, and use them both as a weapon. I don’t know what that means but I was too scared to ask any follow up questions. Keep your head down when this monster hits the ice.

Combine rating: Two horned helmets
Expect draft position: Top 5

FINAL THOUGHTS
While this humble and anonymous writer believes that they are one hundred percent correct in all that they do, all of this is subject to change. Any gambling losses as a result of blindly following this article are laughable because you probably typed it wrong as there is no way this list is wrong. I look forward to seeing these names light up the first round and some charitable donations of your winnings thanks to this thoroughly researched draft ranking.


(1755 words, not using first media bonus)

Good article, yet you missed the biggest draft steal of them all

Hockey player definitely isn't just two money laundering operations in a trench coat