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sludge · 10-10-2015, 03:16 PM

Fast Attacking Supportive; The Newest Metric to Judge your Players
AKA David Clarkson: Golden Boy of the New Advanced Stats Era
By Tony Flow and sludge

The newest metric sweeping the nation; Fast, Attacking, Supportive, with these three rankings, you can evaluate a player's true worth to his or her team.

Fast is not just a player’s skating speed, but how quickly they pick up their phone when a teammate or member of the coaching or support staff calls them, how quickly they can chow down a pre-game meal, the speed at which they can shotgun a post-game brewski and how fast they can tie their own laces and the laces of their teammates skates if they finish first; which also ties into supportive, but we’ll get to advanced stats later. (NOTE: David Clarkson could tie his own, Dion Phaneuf's, and Dan Winnik’s skates, blindfolded, all while eating a bowl of Skyline Chili, faster than Phil Kessel could tie one skate.)

Attacking is not just a players ability to score, but their intangibility on and off the ice, the ease of ability for Don Cherry to pronounce their name, and their ability to actually physically assault the other team whether by fist, words or smell. David Clarkson was known to do what he called the “See no evil, hear no evil, smell no evil” in which he would slash someone in the eyes, call their mother a whore, and fart directly in their face in one fluid motion. This devastated players from the likes of John Scott all the way to Sid the Kid.

Supportive is not just how well you position yourself to receive a pass, but how well you put on your athletic support, how many goofs per gaff or memes per game you perpetrate, how well you support your family ($$$$$ Wink

and how well supported your chant of “Furdaboiz” is received in the locker room. David Clarkson’s atonal wailings were known to disrupt sleep schedules of opposing players for weeks; after hearing how well he chanted. They thought things like “Why has no one ever supported me this much” or “I sure wish we had Clarky boy on our team, first line winger.”

A player having a perfect combination of theses three attributes enables a player to be “Clarkson-Esque”, Allowing for advanced applications of the three attributes in tandem. For example, being fast and attacking enables a player to slash someone in the face before the ref can notice, being supportive and attacking allows a player to get their boy’s back in a local bar brawl at the post-game watering hole, being supportive and fast allows you to pick up coach’s dry cleaning faster than any intern could.

An Analytical Look at David Clarkson

Grit, intangibles, veteran leadership. Now that we have the advanced analytics of FAST ATTACKING SUPPORTIVE, we are finally able to correctly gauge David Clarkson's 7 year, $5.25 million contract.

David Nonis, who is a pioneer of these new metrics, is now completely justified in giving Clarkson a perfectly reasonable, if not borderline underpaying, contract.

Under the old contract negotiations, we had but 3 factors in paying players, "Grit, intangibles, and veteran leadership" but now, by adding this monstrous, FAST ATTACKING SUPPORTIVE; we have effectively doubled our ways of evaluating players.

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Kessel’s fast attacking supportive rating is the lowest of any North American player, only being matched by sissy euro players in the EIHL (Besides Cameron Jansson, the only worthwhile player in the whole league) or the DEL. This combined with a severe, nearly unconquerable appetite for hot dogs, the most phallic of the food products, makes him one of the least good guys, who loves the game the least. David Clarkson always makes sure to cut his hot dogs in half lengthwise and and widthwise in order to be sure that it is not phallic by any measure of the imagination. Kessel’s lackadaisical sense of humor also brings his supportive levels to that which has only been felt when a German or Austrian player was on the ice. Kessel is gerry-speak for kettel after all, and if that kettel calls my pot black, I’ll send him back to the Sudetenland where he belongs! While Ryan Kesler does have a fruity euro name, he’s been proven to have been taught North American sensibilities at a young enough age to be able to hang with the big boys, although, Kesler is Gerry-talk for kettle maker, which means, regretfully that Ryan Kesler made Phil Kessel, bringing down his playing ability. To give that Hot dogging hot dog eater life is a slap in the face to all that is truly gritty in this sport we all love. Despite this, all is forgiven by his two way play, and the grit he adds to the National Hockey League.

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While a player like Jonathan “Captain Serious” “Tow Ezz” Toews has a very good, even elite rating in Fastness and Attacking, he could never be considered Clarkson-Esque do to his goofs per gaff and meme level bringing his support down to below 4th line status. While he is still more valuable to a team than a “Kessel” or a “Hossa” (which is Slovak for “dirty backstabber”, by the way.) He lacks the true grit to lead a team to a cup without help from his American friend, Patrick Kane. What Patrick Kane lacks in conventional support metrics, he makes up for it, with what is called the “Snipe, Dangle, Celly Phenomenon” and what his teammates call his “Wheels with the finer sex” which enables him to emulate veteran leadership and support at a much higher rate than should be available to a player of his size and stature.

Similarly, a man such as Paul “Biznasty” Bissonnette, while having a support rating far exceeding that of a first liner, and infact any know skater in the NHL, only being rivaled by the man known as Roberto Luongo himself. His goofs per gaffs are unrivaled and infact the statistic of memes per game had to be updated to memes per minute due to his high octane, explosive, Dunhamian levels of memes. He lacks the Fastness to be an NHLer; when was the last time you saw “the Biz” answer a call in less than 5 picoseconds? While his Attacking is average, this fastness rating brings him low enough to be unusable at a professional level, although his Elite, untouchable support makes him perfect for a minor league mentorship job or possibly the coach of Team Canada at the Olympics in a few years.

Despite scientific research, there are still many old timers who believe that the Holy Trinity of player analysis (grit, intangibles, and veteran leadership) is the only true way of evaluating players.
These people have called us heretics, and denounce these ways of truly determining a player’s value. However, we know that while FAST ATTACKING SUPPORTIVE is the best metric we have to evaluate a player, it is still only a stepping stone that will lead us to the true metrics of hockey.
Steve Simmons is already working on factoring FAST ATTACKING SUPPORTIVE into his own player analysis; Hot Dog Consumption per Supportive, or HDC-SPPT/60 +/-. Which involves the amount of hot dogs you eat to impress your teammates, versus those you eat for your own greedy desires (Kessel).

Advanced Grit and the SHL

SHL GMs have relied heavily on TPE, or “The Poor Examples” as a way of determining how good a player is. This new revolutionary way of evaluating has put players who weren’t given a fair chance into a new light. It can also be applied to already effective players, in order to breakdown and reveal how they are able to be so good.

FAST ATTACKING SUPPORTIVE can be applied to the “how drunk a player can be while still being effective” metric, to determine how their play improves or declines based on how much liquor they have in their system.

A player like Randy Randleman, while being a good guy, who in fact, loves the game, maybe even the most of everyone, sees a 25% increase in his 3rd period SPPT/60 +/-, mainly due to the amount of alcohol he consumes as the game goes on. While a player like Phil Kessel can’t even put back three Bud-Lites before the morning skate.

The ATTACKING stat can be applied to countless on ice activities. Tony Flow’s unrivaled ability to distract the opposing team’s players with his blindingly good looks previously had no way of being measured. Now we have ATTK/60 + RELTVLKS% (Relative Looks % in comparison to other SHL uggos), which calculate the effectiveness that his looks have on the opposing team.
(NOTE: Kelowna had the highest RELTVLKS% in the entire league, which heavily factored into their Four Star Cup Championship. All of this in spite of sludge, who distracts the other teams with his advanced ugliness, or UG% +/-)

Now that these statistics and their applications are known to the greater SHL community, they can be used to prove why sludge is the most Fast, Attacking and Supportive player in the history of the SMJHL, should be drafted first overall in this upcoming draft and signed to a max term, max payment contract. #sludge5mil7years

(1558 words)

Jedi · 10-10-2015, 03:27 PM

)

Alucard,Apr 14 2016, 03:33 PM Wrote:May the harvest be with you, young spud.

enigmatic,Aug 26 2016, 10:05 AM Wrote:Jedi could have 1 TPE and still improve any team

First ever Norwegian IIHF Goal!!

Code:
2. Team Norway , Jackson Rodgers-Tanaka 1 (Isabella Esparza-Osvaldson, Aleksander Andrezjeck) at 5:50

Special Thanks to Count Chocula for the Hugo G sig <3

Falkirk · 10-10-2015, 03:28 PM

Dangles13 · 10-10-2015, 03:32 PM

=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

Alucard · 10-11-2015, 10:42 AM

:lol: Flow & Sludge for president, tbh.

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