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Slappydoodle · 01-27-2019, 06:44 PM

(Graders - please split pay between Mike Izzy and myself, thank you)

Brand Izzy in association with McDoodle Productions

The Calgary dragons were in desperate need of a new stadium. The Pengrowth Saddledome had grown old over the years. Old and tired like the great Esa Anrikkanen himself. The player's locker room toilet was legally declared a disaster zone by the local government some years back. It smelled like 20 years of parms and questionable decisions. No one was quite sure whether the stains on the walls were blood or tomato sauce or some ungodly mixture of both. Needless to say, a change was desperately needed.

Fortunately, the people of Calgary love their Dragons. Decades of unrivaled success and myriad Challenge Cups will do that for a franchise. When the good people of Calgary realized the seriousness of the situation they rallied to effect change. A bond issue was passed with unanimous approval from the voters. Ultimately the franchise was given open rein to build an arena to end all arenas, the model for all that would come after.........The Big Parm.

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stadium under construction

Never before and likely never again has such a magnificent structure been built by mortal man. The Big Parm has everything the Dragons and their fans ever dreamed of in an arena and much they never imagined in their wildest fantasies.

The first thing a visitor to the arena will notice is the giant replica of a chicken parm that dominates the roof. This lifelike, yet mammoth replica even smells like a parm due to a space age polymer invented by NASA scientists. The parm appears to sit upon a green plate. Closer inspection brings with it the realization that the green area surrounding the parm statue is actual grass. Is that clucking one hears? Yes, the roof of the Big Parm contains an actual free range chicken farm. These prize cluckers are raised with the most gentle love and care exclusively on a volunteer basis by retired Dragons legends such as Nicholas Pedersen and Michael “Big Game” Boychuk, to name a few. The retired players love tending to their flock so much there are always plenty of hands on deck. The whole program has been so successful the team has started to add a few pigs and goats into the mix as an experiment. In fact, the only real friction surrounding it is when beloved birds need to be sacrificed to the parm needs of the voracious Dragons.

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rooftop sod being installed

The Big Parm has become a home away from home to the many Dragons fan clubs that have sprung up over the years. There is of course the infamous Erogenous Parm. These dedicated fans make sweet love to and with toasty, tasty and tantalizing parms o’ plenty, just outside the opponents’ penalty box. Many an opposing player has woken with nightmares in the early hours of the morning after a game at the Parm, covered in sweat and smelling of cheese.

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a member of Erogenous Parm hard at work

The Erogenous Parm is only one of the long standing fan groups ensconced within the Calgary arena. The Dragons organization went out of their way to create spaces for these groups to grow and flourish within the Big Parm. There is, of course, Mack’s Molls, which is perhaps less of a fan group and more of a large group of women desperate to spend an evening in the boudoir of the great man himself. In order to handle the demand a luxury box was created for them complete with a double king sized bed, hot and cold running lubricant, a mirrored ceiling and vitamin D dispensers throughout.

One of the strangest groups is Creller’s Crullers, who like to have Casey Creller teabag the cream filling of their eponymous donut treats before every game for luck. Fortunately the arena has a world class bakery where along with fresh bread for parms, a huge array of other baked goods are available

Defenseman Otis B. Driftwood is a man that loves nothing more than a fine martini and a good cigar. His major contribution to the new Arena is known as the Duck Soup Lounge. This is a beautiful cigar bar resplendent with old world charm that bespeaks of the golden age. Fans of Otis have formed a society known as the Marx Brothers. This society gathers at the Duck Soup Lounge to drink martinis and smoke Driftwood’s favored brand of El Cheapo stogies before games.....and sometimes during games.....and even sometimes after games until they eventually get thrown out by security, sometimes along with Driftwood hilmself, who likes to join them after wins.

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Otis B. Driftwood and some of the “Marx Brothers” enjoying themselves

The arena is home to activity all year round, not just during the season. The facility has a world class kitchen with state of the art equipment. All world goaltender and gastronome extrordanaire Kata Vilde hosts and teaches a very popular cooking class two nights a week within this culinary wonderland. He shows area residents how to prepare a huge array of delicious dinners capped off with the recipe and preparation of the exclusive Dragon chicken parm recipe itself (not before swearing the lucky recipients to the Parm Code of Silence known as Parmerta, of course). He also caters all team get-togethers and parties, which has led to one small issue. Vilde, son of the famous wrestling icon Randy “The Macho Man” Savage, feels every large occasion must include Slim Jims. Combining Slim Jims and Esa’s delicate innards tends to lead to some, shall we say, explosive conclusions.

No one associated with the team is more popular than team captain Mike “The Augment” Izzy. In fact, he is so popular in and around Calgary that the exclusive Brand Izzy shop at the front of the arena is jam packed with fans year round trying to get their hand on such famous products as the latest from the Alex Light Collection, Izzy Brand Briefs and the perennial best seller - Love Roses from Jason Visser. “Izzy Dogs” hot dog carts can be found throughout not only the arena grounds, but scattered throughout the greater Metro Calgary area.

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the famous Izzy Dogs cart

Mike Izzy runs a large number of philanthropic organizations as well such as “Throat Izzy - for kids with shitty tracheas” and the “Read Izzy book club - for kids with shitty vocabularies”. His love for the area children is one of the many things which has caused the population to hold him tight to their collective breast.

There is one small issue with Izzy though. There was a particularly underfed and pathetic pigeon that used to hang around the player’s parking lot at the old arena. Mike Izzy took to feeding the bird breadcrumbs from the edges of his after practice parms. The bird soon came to enthusiastically greet his newfound benefactor whenever he appeared., which delighted Izzy all the more. Soon, Mike was feeding large hunks of bread, cheese and sauce to the bird, which was growing ever fatter due to these ministrations. The final line was crossed when he started giving the bird actual hunks of chicken, which it delightedly gobbled up. This cannabalistic behavior, which deeply creeped out most of the team, delighted the captain and confirmed in his kind that this was destiny at work.

Soon an actual jersey and helmet appeared and the “Parm Pigeon” was born.

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the Parm Pigeon in all its glory

This bird, now larger than any pigeon before it and, in fact, larger than most of the chickens on the roof, was invited into the arena itself. When the new arena was built a special environment was set up to house the pigeon with everything the bird might want inside. This, however, did not satisfy Izzy who insisted on the bird being given free reign within the clubhouse itself. Basically the beautiful and state of the art Dragon clubhouse, complete with a special parm toaster over oven at each locker and all the other amenities possible, has become a shit smeared bird refuge for a giant, fat, clothed pigeon. Kata Vilde regularly threatens to fricassee the bird, leading to retaliatory pooping incidents from both the pigeon and even disturbingly, Izzy himself.

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the Parm Pigeon at home in the locker room

Parm Pigeon aside though, the building is a wonderland for both the players and fans alike. There is a built in podcasting studio and shows such “Rich and Adam Do a Podcast”, “The Podcast I Regret Making”, “The Buzzkill” and of course the seminal and award winning “The Big Slappy Hour” are regularly broadcast throughout the arena and its surrounding environs.

The Big Parm has been a smashing success to say the least. It has been embraced by everyone within the community and has been credited with revitalizing the entire city. While it is possible to quantify some of the economic impact it has made through employment, tourism dollars and the like, no mere number could ever encapsulate all the good it has done in this city or Alberta at large. The Big Parm has rapidly become a historical landmark and city institution. It is a physical manifestation of the championship mentality of the team, the city and its wonderful people.

Please enjoy this excellent video showing the arena during construction:

Eggy216 · 01-27-2019, 06:51 PM

Weretarantula · 01-27-2019, 06:59 PM

Brave.

Beautiful.

Stunning.

Aromatic.

It’s everything we’ve ever dreamed of.

Bonk · 01-27-2019, 07:07 PM

I think I better understand the complaint about needing a new metric for video in media now.

Pingy Pingu · 01-27-2019, 07:19 PM

boogely

DeletedAtUserRequest · 01-27-2019, 07:25 PM

The 'Big Parm' is a blended mix of desire and suspicion... i cant wait until opening day!

Dragonite

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*Leppish* · 01-27-2019, 07:49 PM

Good stuff! Laughing

**.bojo** · 01-27-2019, 07:54 PM

01-27-2019, 06:44 PMSlappydoodle Wrote:
the Parm Pigeon at home in the locker room

Finally, Calgary players let us sit on their face.

Slappydoodle · 01-27-2019, 07:55 PM

01-27-2019, 07:54 PM.bojo Wrote:
01-27-2019, 06:44 PMSlappydoodle Wrote:
the Parm Pigeon at home in the locker room

Finally, Calgary players let us sit on their face.

I would have let you do that years ago. All you ever had to do was ask

**.bojo** · 01-27-2019, 07:56 PM

01-27-2019, 07:55 PMSlappydoodle Wrote:
01-27-2019, 07:54 PM.bojo Wrote: Finally, Calgary players let us sit on their face.

I would have let you do that years ago. All you ever had to do was ask

This is why JR is in charge now.

DeletedAtUserRequest · 01-27-2019, 08:09 PM

01-27-2019, 07:07 PMBonk Wrote: I think I better understand the complaint about needing a new metric for video in media now.

http://simulationhockey.com/showthread.php?tid=92703

@Dangles13, @adamantium, @FlappyGiraffe, @Lazyeye

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adamantium · 01-27-2019, 08:11 PM

01-27-2019, 08:09 PMMike Izzy Wrote:
01-27-2019, 07:07 PMBonk Wrote: I think I better understand the complaint about needing a new metric for video in media now.

http://simulationhockey.com/showthread.php?tid=92703

@Dangles13, @adamantium, @FlappyGiraffe, @Lazyeye

well, at least it isn't the fucking saddledome. that alone is worth some cash.

sigs by me bitch

DeletedAtUserRequest · 01-27-2019, 08:13 PM

01-27-2019, 08:11 PMadamantium Wrote:
01-27-2019, 08:09 PMMike Izzy Wrote:

http://simulationhockey.com/showthread.php?tid=92703

@Dangles13, @adamantium, @FlappyGiraffe, @Lazyeye

well, at least it isn't the fucking saddledome. that alone is worth some cash.

nice!

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Slappydoodle · 01-27-2019, 08:14 PM

Ø

01-27-2019, 08:11 PMadamantium Wrote:
01-27-2019, 08:09 PMMike Izzy Wrote:

http://simulationhockey.com/showthread.php?tid=92703

@Dangles13, @adamantium, @FlappyGiraffe, @Lazyeye

well, at least it isn't the fucking saddledome. that alone is worth some cash.

What do you mean “at least”!

This shit is epic. Read, absorb and enjoy. Do not disparage.

I hope you put more time into the expansion format or else we’re all in trouble Rolleyes

adamantium · 01-27-2019, 08:27 PM

01-27-2019, 08:14 PMSlappydoodle Wrote: Ø

01-27-2019, 08:11 PMadamantium Wrote: well, at least it isn't the fucking saddledome. that alone is worth some cash.

What do you mean “at least”!

This shit is epic. Read, absorb and enjoy. Do not disparage.

I hope you put more time into the expansion format or else we’re all in trouble

oh man, don't take that as to mean i don't think you guys put in some serious work on this, because it's all fantastic

i just fucking hate the saddledome and wanted to take a shot at it, and so i was worried that the video was going to be some old footage of putting that thing together and HOO that scared me.

seriously, the video was great, the little edits had me rolling, the whole thing's super well done. @Slappydoodle @~~Mike Izzy~~

sigs by me bitch

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