The Raiders recent hot start was cooled off by the Kelowna Knights last night in Halifax. It was a dreadful affair from start to finish for the rowdy Raiders, as Halifax did their best Anaheim Outlaw impersonation in the first period with 3 penalties. Two penalties for stick infractions which just shows that Halifax’s fundamentals were off. Jason Viersaitl was penalized for roughing after it appears Bobby Sharp got under the rookie’s skin. This was a blowout from start to finish, as the Knights defeated the Raiders 6-2.

Of course, no one in the Halifax locker room was pleased with the results of the game. None of them were in the same jovial moods as they had in the previous four games. Jimmy Slothface went another game without a point and it’s clear that something is off with him. Immediately following entering the locker room, Slothface went straight to the bathroom and we could hear faint sounds of vomiting. When we asked teammate Gaspard Boone, he stated that “Jimmy is dealing with some illness and has been trying to play through it. I think he ate some bad pizza and got food poisoning.”

Hotshot rookie Joseph Laraque did not mince words on why he thinks Slothface is ill. “Those sons of bitches in Vancouver poisoned our boy Jimmy. We went and ordered pizza from this local pizzeria after stomping those clowns, and after Jimmy ate his slice, I swear I saw Casimir Stevens and Jax Duggan twirling evil mustaches behind the counter. It could also be from whatever that guy in the alley gave me but I swear it happened.” After this, captain Dom Montgomery calmed Laraque down and told us that “Joe’s a competitor, he hates seeing our top players at less than 100%”.

Some Raiders had a decent game. The aforementioned Joseph Laraque scored a goal as he continues his point-a-game pace. Laraque is tied with Troy Reynolds for the team lead in points with 5. Reynolds himself had a goal and an assist but did not seem to be in the mood to talk with the media following the loss. We asked if he had any comment on Jax Duggan’s alleged premium Snapchat and he looked at us like we were insane. “Jim, I know you. You’re a good journalist. What made you think to ask about that? We just lost in a blowout and you’re asking me about some dude showing off his dick for money. You’re better than that.” Reynolds then called for no more questions and put his ear buds in. We cannot confirm this but reports indicate that he was listening to Don’t Speak by No Doubt. Could this suggest some trouble between him and Sophia. (EDITOR’S NOTE: it’s a fucking song Jim. Why did you make it four paragraphs into a normal article and then throw in this shit?)

In other league news, the SMJHL’s first fight this season has finally occurred. Kenji Yoshimura of the Anaheim Outlaws and Kristoffer Svensson of the Montreal Militia dropped the gloves. Svensson looked like he’d get the better of Yoshimura until he was caught by a right hook that dropped him. Montreal would end up getting the better of Anaheim, but their undefeated run also ended recently. The Militia were upset by the Anchorage Armada by a score of 3-2. The Militia and Raiders are tied at the top of the standings with a record of 4-1.

The trade rumors swirling around Jimmy Slothface are intensifying. The Lethbridge Lions are reported to have asked for the price on Jimmy Slothface, and there is no report on what the price GM Hobbs had put on Slothface. Trading such a great player in the midst of a cold streak and with food poisoning seems like an incredibly reactionary move, and it would be ridiculous for Halifax to accept anything short of Monkey D. Luffy and 3 first rounders.

Also in a puzzling move, Jax Duggan seemed to imply that Sophia Miacova has Troy Reynolds “on a leash”. We decided to track down the couple and ask them about this comment.

TR: “...that’s two days in a row that you’ve asked me a really stupid question, Jim. I play hockey, I’m not gonna concern myself with Jax Duggan’s dick pics or his moronic presumptions about my relationship.”

Sophia: “Jax Duggan is just mad because he’s not selling enough of his premium Snapchat to make ends meet.”

TR: “Chill. This isn’t your fight Sophia.”

Sophia: “It is. He call me Russian. Then he say that Ukraine will be Russia soon. That’s really rude and offensive.”

TR: “Okay so he’s an ass, we already knew that though. Anyways Jim, the only thing you need to know about leashes is that I’m not the one on the leash and Jax has no business talking about what takes place in my bedroom.”

Jim: “Are you implying what I think you’re implying?”

Sophia: “Yes, he puts leash on me in bedroom. It’s fun, and prudes like you don’t understand.”

TR: “Alright Jim that one’s off the record, the people do not need to know that.”

They then walked away and Sophia turned around and mouthed “put it on the record”. I have never been more confused at how Sophia has turned into the odd one of the couple, but it’s better than the first line winger being a complete moron every waking moment like he used to. We’d like to wish the best to the ill Jimmy Slothface and I’m sure he’d appreciate your support. Now if he doesn’t start producing, the fans may burn down his house so...get it together Jimbo. And to the bastards who poisoned our beloved Slothface, the city of Halifax hopes you get your nuts stepped on by a high price escort.

Jim Jones
Halifax Gazette

(EDITOR’S NOTE: Jim, you’re fired.)

(974 words)

Big Walter Ulrich
S69 Prospect

Funny, nice read who is Sophia tho is that a rookie on Halifax

I can not talk for Casimir... but i plead the 5th

Team Ireland || Ragnar Lothbrok || San Fransisco Pride
                          Drafted 42nd Overall in SMJHL
                   Drafted 12th Overall in the SHL Draft

  |  | 

Funny, nice read who is Sophia tho is that a rookie on Halifax

All I can tell you is that it's gonna get really confusing when I get called up since there's apparently a Sophia in the SHL

Big Walter Ulrich
S69 Prospect

I can not talk for Casimir... but i plead the 5th

We play in Canada bud, the 5th doesn't apply in Canadian court

Big Walter Ulrich
S69 Prospect

I can not talk for Casimir... but i plead the 5th

We play in Canada bud, the 5th doesn't apply in Canadian court

Sorry i plead s.5(2) of the Canada Evidence Act, better?

Team Ireland || Ragnar Lothbrok || San Fransisco Pride
                          Drafted 42nd Overall in SMJHL
                   Drafted 12th Overall in the SHL Draft

  |  | 

We play in Canada bud, the 5th doesn't apply in Canadian court

Sorry i plead s.5(2) of the Canada Evidence Act, better?

Much better

Big Walter Ulrich
S69 Prospect

I didn't mean to poison sloth though it was meant for Troy :(

#getwellsloth