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The McShotty Chronicles - Fresh From the Emergency Room

Hello, I'm Rich Boggindam, reporter for Stop Changing The Company Name To Whatever I Say, Inc., where we are bad at following directions. I'm here in our downtown Los Angeles studio, prepared for yet another interview with a somewhat more interesting SHL send-down, and recent slap shot and heavy irony survivor, Slap McShotty. Unfortunately, he seems to be running late again so we've asked a lamp from our front office to come and answer a few questions while we wait. Let us get started.

Mr. Lamp, how is life going in general?


Hmm, I see. I guess you could say things have been pretty quiet for you, then?


You don't seem the talkative type. Would you consider yourself an introvert or just as someone who values listening over speaking?


As for me, I value everything that comes out of my mouth. It's quite a rush when I know whoever I'm talking to will let me drone on and on and say whatever I want. You seem like that type, wouldn't you say?


Yes, indeed. How do you enjoy being a lamp? Ever think of switching careers?


I do believe if I was a lamp I'd strive to be a traffic light. What better way to live your life than to control the flow of humanity? I could have ultimate power over the puny lives of angry drivers just waiting for my approval. I would hold the fate of their commute in my metallic hands as they groveled for me, asking to just change to green right now so they can get through and be damned the other traffic. And sometimes I just might. I'd watch their confusion, laugh at their uncertainty, and thoroughly enjoy the few who try and brave the intersecting traffic only to be crushed in either body or spirit, if not both. They shall rue the day they came across me and made demands whose consequences were far too complex for their tiny minds to comprehend-

Oh, it appears Slap McShotty has entered the studio. It was nice talking with you, Mr. Lamp. I'd be interested to pick up on this conversation with you some other time.

You bet.

Now, on to the main course: Slap McShotty. It appears Mr. McShotty has brought along a guest. Who is this?

hooooodoooooooor hoooooooDDDDDDDDOOOOOrr.

I'm sorry, Slap is in a state of healing right now and can't talk very well. I'm Mary, Mary Juwanna. I'm his caretaker.

So you're his caretaker? What exactly do you do... take... care of him?

That's right. Slap here has gone through a traumatic brain injury and it has affected his speech. He now only speaks in variations of the strange word, "hodor."

My, that's very interesting. How do you take care of him if you can't understand him?

Well, a team of researchers attempted to put together a translating device to tell us what he's saying, but it seems to be broken. It keeps spewing profanities at me, which is obviously not right.

hoooodoor'hOOOdoooooooor hOOOOdoooooor hooooodoor Hoooooooodor hOOOOdddOOOORRRRRRR HoooooddddddddooooooRRRR hooooodooor hoooooooodoooor, HooooooddddddddoooooRRRR!

Now Slap, we need to calm down. No need to raise your voice.

What a situation. Do you have the translating device on you?

Yes, here it is.

May I use it to conduct the rest of the interview with Mr. McShotty?

Yes, go right ahead. Slap, I need you to talk to the nice man and then we can go get ice cream, yay!

HoooooodooooR hooodOOOOOr.

So, Mr. McShotty, how is life treating you after your accident?

hooooodoor'hooooooooDoor hOODOr HooooDDoooooooor. hooooooodoooor hoooooooDOOr hoodoor hOOOOOOdOOOOr hooooodoor'hooooooooDoor HOOOOOdooooRRR hoooooooodor Hoooodoooooooor, hooooodooooor hooooodoor'hooooooooDoor hoodOOr HooooooooDDooor hooodooor hoodooor hodooor hodor HOOOOOOdoor HOOOdoooooooorrrr. hooooodoor hOOOOOOOODOOr hooooodoor hoooodooooor HODOr hoDOOOOOOR HoooooooodOOOOOOOr.

Yeah, that does kinda suck but at least you're getting the attention you need. What kind of accident are we talking about? How did it happen?

hooooodoor HoooooooodOOOOOOr hoooodor hOOOOODDDDOOOrrrr hoodoor hodor Hodoooooor hooodOOr hOOdoooor hOOOOdOOr HOOOOOOdoooooooR hoodor hodor HooooooodOOOOOOOR HooDOOOR. hoodooor HOOdOOr hodoooooor hoodor hoodooooor hoodoooooooor hOOOOOOODoooooooR-HOOOOOOOOdor HODoooRR, HooooooddddddddooooooRRRR-HoooooooddddddddoooooRRRR HooooooooddddddddoooooRRRR, hOOOODOOOr hoodoor hoooooooodOOOOr hOOOOdoooor hOOOdor hoodOOr hooodor hooooooodooooooor hodooor hodor hoodddoooooooRRRRRRR, hooooodooooor hoooooodor HOOOOOOOddooooor hoooodor hOOOOOOOdddoooooooRR HooooooooDOOOOOOOOR hooooodooor hOOOOdoooor. HOOOOOOOODooorrrr. hodor HooooooodOOOOr hooodoor, hooooodoor hOOOOOOdooooooooRR'HOOOOOOOdOOOOOOr HOOOOODOOOOOr hoooodoor hOOOOOdoooooooor hoodor hodor HOOOOOOdoooooooR. hooooodoor hoodoooor hoodOOr HooooooooDDDoooooRR Hoodooooooor hodoor HooooddooooRRRRRRRR hOOOdor hooodoooor hOOdoooor HOOOOOOODoooR, hooooodoooor hOOdor hOOOOOOODDooooorrrr HoooooooodOr hOOOOdoooor hooooodoor hoodoooor hooDoooorr hooodoooor hodor hooooDDooooooRRR. hodor hooooooodoooooooor HooooooodOOOOr hooooodoor HOOOOdOOOOOOOrr hooodOOr hOOdor HOOOOddoooooRRRRR hoodoooor hoooooodOOOOOOR hOddOOOORRRR, "HooooooDor hodor hOOOOODOr," hodoor hOOOOOOOdooor hoodoooooor hooooodoor hoooodooooor hOdOOOr hooodoor hooooodoooooooor HoooooooddddddddooooooRRRR hoodor hoodooor. HOddoooorrrr hOOOOdoooor.

I've never heard of something like this before. Are you able to continue playing?

hooooooooddOOOOrr, hooooodoor'hooooooooDoor hOOOOOOOOdoooooR hoooooooddOOOOOOOOr HooDDOOOOOOOr, hooooodoor hoodOOr hoooooodoooor hoooooodoor hooooooodOOOOR HooDOOR hooodooor hodooooR. HOOOODDDOOOOOOrrrr hOOdor hOOODDooooooooR hooodoor HoooDoooor hodoor hooooooDDOOOOR hOOOOdoooor hOOdooooooooR hoodoor hOOODoor, hooooodoooor hOOOOOOOdooor hooooodoor hoooodooooor'HOOOOOOOdOOOOOOr HOOOdoooooooorrrr-HoooooooDOOOOOOr hooDooooooooR hoooodoooor hodor HOOOOOOODOOOOOR. hooodOOOOOr hooooodoor hOOOOOOOODOOr hoooooodoor hoooooodddOOOrrrrrrrr'HOOOOOOOdOOOOOOr hOOOOOOOOdoooooRR hoooodoooor hodoooor hoooodor HOOdddOOOOOOOR.

It is so unique that I do imagine it'll catch on. Does it get tiring having to say "hodor" for every word?

hoooooodooooor, hooooodor HOdOOOOOOr. hoodoor hOOOOdoooor hoodooor'hOOOdoooooooor hodoooor HOOOODOOOOOOr hodoooor hoooodOOOR hoodoor HODOr, hooooodoooor hoodoor hOOdor HooooodoooRR hooooodoor'hooooooooDoor hOOOOOOODDooRRRRRRR hoooooodoor hOdOOOOOOrrrr hOOODDOORR. HooooDOOOOR hoodooor'hOOOdoooooooor hodor HoooooooddooooR hoooooooodOOrr hoooodor hooddOOOOR HOOOOOOOOddoRR hoooodoooor hOOOOdoooor hOOOOdoooooor hooooodoor'hooooooooDoor hoooodOOOR hoodoor hOOOOOOODDDOOOrrr HOOOOODoooooor hOOOdor hoodor hoodooor. hoooodoooooooor hOOOODooooooR, HOdOOOOOOr.

Well, it's certainly a predicament, but let's get down to the reason we're here: season 47. How did you do in your regular season?

hooooodoor hOOOOOOdoooor HODoooor, hOOOOOOdooooor hoooodOOOOOR hoodoor hOOOOdOOr hodOOOOOr. HoooooooodOOOOOOr hoooodor HoooodOOOOOr hoooodOOOOr hoodor hOOOOOdorr hooooodoooor hoddOOOOR hOOOOOOdooor hOOOOOOOddOrr. hOOdor HoddddddddoooooRRRR hoodoooorr hOOOOOdOOOOOOOrr, hodoooor hOOOOOOOdoooor. hoodooor hOOOOOOODoooorr HOdoorr hoodor hOOdor hODDDooooorrrrr hooodor hodor hOOOOdOOr HOOOOOOdoooooooR hodoor hooodoor hodor HOOdOOOOOR hooodor hodor hooooooooDooorr hOOOOOOOdooor! hooooodoor'hooooooooDoor hOOOOdooor HOOOOOddOOOOOOOr hOOOOOOOdoooR hoooodor hoooooodOOOOOOOOr hoodoooooooor hoooodddOOOrrrr hoooooodooooooor hOdoooooooor, hOdOOr HOOOdOOOOr hooooodor hOOOOdoor HODDooooRR.

Well, awards aren't everything. There are... intangibles when considering how valuable a player has been. How are you looking forward to the playoffs? Doing anything to prepare?

hooooodoor'hooooooooDoor hoodOOr HoooooDOR hOOdor hooooooDOOOOOOOr hoooooooDOORR HOOOOOOdor. hoodooor HoooooooodOOOOOOr hOOOOOOdooooooor hoooooodoor hOOOOOOOdOr, hoodooor hoooodooooor HOOOOOOOOdoooor HOOOdOOOOOr hOdooor hodor hOOOOddOOOOOOR hOOOddOOOOOOOORRRR hOOdoooor hoooooooDooooooR hoooodoooooor hoodooooooor hoooodoooor hOdooor hoodoor hodor hoodddoooooooRRRRRRR. hooooodoor'hooooooooDoor HOOOOOddOOOOOOOR hooodooooor'hoooooDOOOOORR Hoooooodooor hOdooor hoooodor hOOOOOOdoooooooor hoooooooDOOOOOOR hodoor hooooodor hoooooooodOOOOOOOOr HoDooooooor hOOOOOOddOOOOOR hOOOOOOdooor hodor hOOOOdOOr hOOOdoor HOODDOOOOOR.

Good, good. Any other news you may have regarding your SHL team? You are a send-down, after all.

Hoodoooooooor hooooodOOOOr HOOOOOddooooooR. hooooooodoooor HoooDDOOOr HOOOOOODDOOOOOOr hodor hoodddoooooooRRRRRRR, hooooodoooor hooooooodoooor hoooooodoooor hooooodoooooooor HOOODDOOR HODoooRR hoooodoor hoooodooooooor HOOOOOddOOOOORR hooodor hodor HooooooooddddddddoooRRRR hooodor hodor Hooooooodoooooor hoooooooodOrr HOODDOOOOOR. hOOOOdor, hooooodoor'HoooDDOOOOr hoodooooooor HoooooooodOr hooooooodoooor hoooooodoooor hoooodor HoooodOOOOOOOOr-Hooooooodor HoDoooor HoooooooodORRRR hodooor hOOOOdoooor Hooooooodoooooor HooDOOOR, hooooodooooor hoodooor HOODOOOOOOOR hOOOOOOdooor hooooodoor'hoooooDOOOOORR hoooodddooorr hooodor hodor HooooooooddddddddoooRRRR hoooooodoor HOOODor HooDOOOR HoooddddddddooooooRRRRHoddddddddooooooooRRRR. hoodooor'hOOOdoooooooor HOOOOOOdor hoodoor hoooodooor hodor HOOOOODoooorrrrrrr!

It's good to see you're excited. Well, this was all the time we had allocated. I'll likely be seeing you soon. Hope you get your speech back before then! It'll make this interview go a lot smoother, I'm sure.

Hear that, Slap, dear? You're done with the interview! Let me help you up.

hooooooodOR, hooooodoor'hooooooooDoor hoooodor hOOOdOOOOOOOR hOOOOOOddOOOOORRR, hooooodoor hoooodooooor HOOOOOOOOdoooor hOOdor hOOOOOOOdoooooor hooodOOOOOr HoDDOOOOOrr HOdoooor hOdooor, HOOdOOOrr hoooooooodoooor hOOOOOOOdor hOOOdooooooor. hoooooooodOOOOOOOOr hOOOOOOdoor hoooDoor hOOdOOOOr!

Now, now, Slap. No need to get physical. Let's go get your ice cream now! Chocolate chip cookie dough, with lots of fudge chunks?

hOOOOOOOdoooor... HoooooooodddOOOOOOOOrrrr. hooooodoooor HOddoooorrrr hoooooooodoooor.

And thus concludes the interview with Slap McShotty. He was middle of the pack in the points category but a great option on the faceoffs. He's showing why his puck possession is helping his team out in ways not totally reflected by the statistics. He also has top notch taste in ice cream and a real excitement for a made-up word. This is Rich Boggindam, reporter for I'm Probably Just Going To Quit If You Keep Bringing This Shit Up, Inc., signing out.

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