Nickname time!

As a hobby and because I don’t like learning real names, I give out nicknames from time to time. Well, here goes another edition of this, only with the draftees.

Cuthbert Coppercorn- now with the Texas Renegades, selected number 61 overall, will be known as “Copperfield” because when I wrote my last article on you, autocorrect assumed I was thinking about magic. So congrats, Copperfield! Go make an elephant disappear or something!

Theo Hass – Now with the Winnipeg Jets (Go Jets Go!), selected 53rd overall, will be known as Two-Guac. Hass is a type of Avocado I believe, and I am pretty sure I used this one before, but 2-Guac sounds like an R and B artist on the food network. Congrats 2-Guac, go rap a wrap!

Duke Duckworth- Now with the New England Wolfpack, selected 52nd overall, will be known as Duck Tails (WoooOOooOO)! This is because the show ducktails haunts my brain, and the theme song floats around, haunting me like a ghost ship in my own imagination. Or rewrite historyyyyyyyyy…

Freddie Sweeney – Now with the Chicago Syndicate, selected 48th overall, will be known as “Sweeney Todd” According to a google search, which was a horrible movie with Johnny Depp in it. The character stems from some old movie, basically don’t get a haircut from this guy. So go Murder some people!

Chuck Goody III – Now with the Minnesota Chiefs, selected 46th overall, will be known as “Bad Luck Chuck” the reasoning for this being how unlucky you are. I heard you once choked on a seed when you were eating seedless grapes. So Good Luck Bad Luck Chuck! (Btw, that will be the sequel to ‘Good Luck Chuck’)

Colt Beckett – Now with the Minnesota Chiefs, selected 45th overall, will be known as “Horsey McHorse Face.” This is because I can’t think of anything better. It is an awful nickname. I’m Sorry. Go out and be less of a stallion horseface!

Travis Bitties – Now with the New Orleans Specters, selected 44th overall, will be known as “Boo Tits” because Bitties is a lot like Titties and you play on a team full of ghosts. So go scare some breastfeeding babies, Boo Tits!

Izem Abioye – Now with the West Kendall Platoon, selected 41st overall, will be known as “Izem Abioye” because I got nothing. I am not even sure how to say your name, and any attempt at making a nickname might come off as rude. Wait, I take it back, it is ruder not to try. I’ll call you “Serenity by Jan” because Why not. Go spend all of Scott’s Tots Money!

Richard Rocket – Now with the San Francisco Pride, Selected 40th overall, will be known as “The 40 year old Virgin” This is because you were selected 40th overall, and I am making some bold assumptions about your sex life. So go Ride a bike to your tech job!

Emeka Valentine-Okoli- Now with the New England Wolfpack, Selected 38th overall, will be known as “Buddy Valentine” I have chosen this name because it matches your last name and I think it is an Eddie Murphy character, but I am not 100% sure. Go be a bunch of people in a movie, Buddy Valentine!

Tah Puhcheese – Now with the Winnipeg Jets (Go Jets go!), selected 37th overall, will be known as “Money Cheese” because the way I read your name, it sounds like Purchase, and PurCheese. So go be the best Gouda you can Money Cheese!

Heikki Jaakola- Now with the Los Angeles Panthers, selected 36th overall, will be known as “Heineken 0.0” Once again my inability to read made me think your first name was a beer, but after looking again, and seeing it isn’t I went with the non-alcoholic version of a pretty okay beer. So go not get people Drunk, Heineken 00!

Gordon Bombay- Now with the Minnesota Chiefs, Selected 35th overall, will be known as “Coach Bombay” because quack Quack Quack. So go Quack!
Haley Knight- Now with the Texas Renegades, selected 33rd overall, will be known as “the Dark Knight” because much like the movie itself, you were underrated and should have been higher up on the chart. So go trust Harvey Dent, Dark Knight!

Stavros Halkias – Now with the Los Angeles Panthers, Selected 32nd overall, will be known as “Mike” because sometimes the best nicknames are regular names. So go be an electrician on a submarine for Frasier, Mike.

Alexander Thorstrom – Now with the Calgary Dragons, Selected 31st overall, will be known as “Stormbreaker” because you can’t really be the god of thunder, and I can’t spell the magic hammers name. I always call it Jem jem, and I get laughed at a lot by nerds. So go cut Thanos, Stormbreaker!

Jaako Jarvin – Now with the Minnesota Chiefs, Selected 30th overall, will be known as Jaako Jarvis because I am now on a Marvel kick and I like the ring of it. So go get the mind stone and become a superhero Jaako Jarvis!

Patrick Niederreiter- Now with the Texas Renegades, Selected 29th overall, will be known as “Patrick Star” for his loveable character and move of mayonnaise (the instrument). So go be a Starfish, Patrick Star!

Darnell Johnson- Now with the New Orleans Specters, selected 28th overall, will be known as “Ghost Dick!” because according to early scouting reports, you like to go on tinder, hook up, and then disappear. So go earn your queen or buy a whore, Ghost Dick!

Biz Nasty- Now with the Edmonton Blizzard, selected 27th overall, will be known as “Bizzard” because you will earn the L once you are playing for Edmonton. Ha Burn! So go earn that L Bizzard!

Raphael D’Alcott – Now with the Edmonton Blizzard, selected 26th overall, will be known as Ralph, because that was the nickname of the ninja turtle. Pizza Time Ralph, Pizza time!

Simon LeBlanc – Now with the Los Angeles Panthers, selected 25th overall, will be known as “Sim-One” because that is how I say Simon. The next Simon I see will be “Sim-Two!” so, thanks for this one, Sim-One! Enter Sleep mode!

Jonas Larsen – Now with the San Francisco Pride, selected 24th overall, will be known as “The ugly Jonas brother” because while you have the same dreamy eyes, let’s face it, you are no Nick. So go sing pop songs to a bunch of screaming pre-teens, Ugly Jonas Brother!

Jon Forty-One – Now with the Minnesota Chiefs, selected 23rd overall, will be known as “Johnny Number 5” because of the movie Short Circuit. LOS LOCOS KICK YOUR ASS LOS LOCOS KICK YOUR FACE LOS LOCOS KICK YOUR BALLS INTO OUTER SPAAACE! Go be alive, Johnny number 5!

Ravyn Tedisko- Now with the New England Wolfpack, Selected 22nd overall, will be known as “Raven” From the X-man because of your love for blue morphing mutants, and J-Law. So go turn into Johnny 5, I am still happy with that reference, Raven!

Josef Novotny – Now with the West Kendall Platoon, selected 21st overall, will be known as “Novo-virus” because you give me a runny nose due to your cat hair hat that you wear. Be weirder, Novo-Virus!

Zarley Zalapski- Now with the New Orleans Specters, selected 20th overall, will be known as “Double Z-VEnti” because you were the 20th selection, and it sounds like a Starbucks order, but not like, a listed one. An “off menu” Starbucks order. So go be overpriced coffee, Double Z-VEnti!

Noah Tedla- Now with the Minnesota Chiefs, selected 19th overall, will be known as “The Purple Dart” because of some old website called home star runner. I don’t know if it is still up, but you strike me as the type that would know. So go be more like the Cheet, Purple Dart!

Joe Kerr – Now with the Los Angeles Panthers, selected 18th overall, will be known as “Joker” because that is what you were going for, and who the hell am I to try and do better. That is pretty good, I can’t even lie. Nice one, Joker!

Emiko Spector- Now with the Tampa Bay Barracuda, selected 17th overall, will be known as “Specs” because of you love of high end glasses and because you should have gone to New Orleans so I could call you spooky specs. So go be not spooky, Specs!

Kasperi Braulin- Now with the West Kendall Platoon, Selected 16th overall, will be known as “FlatBread”.
No need to explain that one, Go get em’ FlatBread!

Atlas Rush – Now with the Calgary Dragons, selected 15th overall, will be known as “Map” from Dora the Explora. Or is it Explorer? Regardless, you’re the Map, you’re the map, you’re the map! Show us where to go, Map!

Barrett Blackwood – Now with the Edmonton Blizzard, selected 14th overall, will be known as “Capt. No Beard” because of your lack of facial hair and the fact that you talk like a pirate and have a wooden leg. So let’s go find treasure, Capt. No Beard!

Padraig Sarantez- Now with the Texas Renegades, selected 13th overall, will be known as “The Forgotten One” This is due to the fact that on my first draft, I forgot about this selection. Sorry, Forgotten One!

Bobby Bobcalf – Now with the San Francisco Pride, selected 12th overall, will be known as “damn it Bobby” The reference being the television show, King of the Hill, where the main character, King, has a son named Bobby, who is always doing funny things. I don’t know you, that’s my purse, Damn it Bobby!

Satoshi Zizagooney- Now with the Buffalo Stampede, selected 11th overall, will be known as “ziga ziga say ah” because that is what I think the spice girls say in “ do you want to be my lover” That is a song, from like the 90s I think. Honestly, I was torn between that and stashe man, because of the killer mustache, but  Lets go with Ziga Zida say ah!

Mika Kandinsky- Now with the Toronto North Stars, selected 10th overall, will be known as “Kelly” from the office. I think the actresses real name Mindy, which is like the American Mika I think. And the last name starts with a K. So, get back to work Kelly, or your fired!

Nick Connolly – Now with the Chicago Syndicate, selected 9th overall, will be known as “Danny Phantom” This name was selected because it was one of the only shows to have ghosts, on Nick. And I mixed up the Specters and Syndicate here, because I am an idiot, but the name stands. Watch out, here comes Danny Phantom!

Lyle Odelein III – Now with the New Orleans Specters, selected 8th overall, will be known as “Piss off, Ghost!” your last name made me think of Thor, and the best Thor stand alone movie was Ragnarok. The best character was Krog, and his best line I think was Piss off, Ghost!

Timmo Kyllonen – Now with the San Francisco Pride, selected 7th overall, will be known as “Kimmo” after the great Nashville, Philadelphia, and lastly Chicago player in the NHL. I didn’t research it, so if you are a defenseman this makes even more sense, if not, I’m still okay with it. I’ll sleep good at night, and I hope you do to, Kimmo!

Piotr Horvat – Now with the New England Wolfpack, selected 6th overall, will be known as Broccoli Rob. This is from the office, basically I am calling you an a cappella nerd. Go back to Here Comes Treble, Broccoli Rob!  

Calogero Crudelli- Now with the Winnipeg Jets (Go Jets Go!), selected 5th overall, will be known as “Crude Oil” this is because while messy, Crude Oil is a commodity that is essential in keeping the jets in the air. And hopefully with you, we will soar, Crude Oil!

Oliver Cleary- Now with the Los Angeles Panthers, Selected 4th overall, will be known as “John Oliver Cleary” with your british sense of humour, styule, and abilituy to addu u’s and o’s where they don’t beloung, you are clearuly a characture. See you Last week, tonight, John Oliver Cleary!

Forfeit- Now with the Minnesota Chiefs, selected 3rd overall, will be known as an awful lesson to learn from tampering. Sorry to the entire Chiefs organization for this, it is a tough pill to swallow, but it is recoverable.

Gabriel Johnson – Now with the Hamilton Steelhawks, Selected 2nd overall, will be known as “Gabi with an I” It is important that the entire name be said, so you can’t call them Gabi. It has to be Gabi with an I. Why this? Because I have a cousin who always said that when introducing themselves. So congrats, Gabi with an I!

Kaspars Claude – Now with the Tampa Bay Barracuda, Selected 1st overall, will be known as Sandy Claudes! This name was selected because I consider Tampa to be a sandy place. And it is a play on Santa. Also, you are covered in sand. What is up with that? Good Luck Sandy Claudes!


And thus concludes my Article.