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TheHockeyist · 06-03-2019, 10:36 PM

(This may or may not be the start of a regular series, depending on how many people are interested.)

(My article on whether interplanetary hockey was possible got quite some attention, so I want to start a series on some games on these worlds. The first episode will be a game on Miranda.)

It’s several hundred years in the future. The SHL has expanded to other worlds. Today, we’ve traveled nearly three billion kilometers to comment on a game in the coldest reaches of the solar system. We’re nearly twenty times farther from the Sun than Earth is as we approach Uranus, an icy bluish-green planet, four times larger than Earth. It is the next-to-last planet; only Neptune is more distant.

But the game is not being hosted on Uranus itself. We’re going to Miranda, one of its moons. Miranda is only 470 kilometers across, about the size of Indiana or Hungary. This is not a large moon. The gravity of Miranda is quite weak, unsurprisingly. Earth’s gravity is one hundred and twenty-five times stronger. Things fall quite slowly here. Something dropped from a height of one meter takes five seconds to hit the surface. From eye level, it takes just over six seconds.

In the southern hemisphere of Miranda, we see a mixed up surface of varying topographies. It seems that large parts of the moon went to other places and everything got jumbled. From orbit, several large chevron-like features can be seen. These look like large icy V’s all over the southern hemisphere. Why are they there? No one knows for sure, according to present human understanding. Miranda is also known for its giant cliffs, some of them 20 kilometers high. They are the tallest known in the solar system. If you were to jump from the highest of these cliffs, it could take you more than eleven minutes to reach the surface below (low gravity!). This would make for an interesting landscape for playing hockey. As for the northern hemisphere of Miranda, almost nothing is known at the present time. Due to the sideways rotation of Uranus and its moons, the south pole of was almost directly pointing towards the Sun when we studied Miranda up close. Thus, we never got a good look at the northern hemisphere, and the map is filled with a giant blank area covering half of the moon.

Now that we’ve set the stage, we’re ready to play the hockey game. There is a barrier around the rink to prevent someone from shooting the puck off of the ice and off of a cliff. That happened enough times that this rule had to be in place for games from Miranda. The team from Miranda is playing the team from Europa. Wait, hello. What’s this? Ah, nice, their coach handed me a piece of paper. The roster of the Miranda players is… wait, what? I can’t read this language! Is it upside-down? Do I need to… ah, forget it. We’ll refer to the teams by their numbers… wait, is that a… I swear, this is entirely in a foreign language. I can’t even read the numbers, nor do I know what column the numbers are in! Checking a few of them, I see symbols that match this column… jeez, I should have learned Mirandan before I commented on this game. Yes sir, what is thi- no, I can’t read this dictionary! I don’t even know the alphabet!

It seems that the players are lining up on the ice, the puck falls, just hits the ice now and this guy is sweeping it up the ice. Europa’s players are struggling in the lower gravity of Miranda. It seems that Miranda has the advantage of home ice. The puck is over there and this guy intercepts it- And the puck is out of bounds! Great job, Europa.

Actually, I’m interested in how the game clock keeps track of things - maybe the symbols there will help me read the jersey num- ah, no. It’s just like a little bar that empties itself for each period. Seriously? They thought this was a good idea for foreigners? I can’t give commentary on the game. It’s like they wanted to avoid numerical symbols. I see they’d want to help foreigners, but this just makes it harder to read the numbers. Seems we’re a sixth of the way done, and therefore we’ll need t- wait, what just- IT’S A FIGHT!

This guy from Europa is fighting that other guy from Miranda (I still can’t read their names), and they’ve been sent to the penalty box for who knows how long because I don’t know how time works here! Okay, a new faceoff. Europa wins and- hey, not cool, Europa. I know you hit the puck too hard because of the lower gravity here, but come on. Haven’t you guys learned yet? At least the Mirandan guy wasn’t hurt too much.

And Miranda tries to score a goal but the Europan goalie blocks it, and the puck is back out an-

BEEP

That’s the end of first period! Time for a break, and this other guy has taken the time to give me a Mirandan textbook to study during break time. Chapter 1, the alphabet. So this symbol is a, this symbol is a long a, this symbol is k, g, p, n, sh… why is your alphabetical order like this? Wait, this is just one Mirandan language? There are more? This language is only isolated to this city? Oh well, time to learn. Maybe I can practice reading the names of some of the players once the second period starts.

The players are back on the ice and G… Ga… Gam… no, that’s not an m… Ga... t? Gat… I forgot that one… Gat… uh… ah well, this guy seems to be the one with a lot of potential on the ice. He’s very active trying to go around the Europan players and all of that. Jeez, what is the culture here like? I’m not even sure what that guy in the audience is drinking, or even if that would be legal on Earth. It’s quite hard to understand this place. It should be expected though, given that this is my first experience on another world. Wait, I think I can read it now… O… o… o… that must be a cursive form of a letter that I cannot read. Does this textbook teach cursive? No, it doesn’t. I’m screwed, great. The second period is halfway done and nothing interesting has happened, and… OUCH! Oi. That must have hu- wait, I think he’s bleeding! Oh god he’s bleeding severely!

I’ve been informed that a Europan player hit Gateshmik (that’s his name, apparently) so hard that he had to go to the hospital. The Europan player underestimated his force on Miranda and hit the puck normally for him, but much harder than the Mirandans were used to, severely injuring Gateshmik. He is in critical condition in the hospital right now. The Europan player is suspended for the rest of the game. He will be replaced by someone else.

His replacement gets on the ice only for the second period to end! I can’t wait for the third per- oh, there is no third period?

Well, as it turns out, the reason there is no third period on Miranda is to minimize injuries and chances of aggressive play from their opponents. Usually playing interplanetary games is a death sentence for a Mirandan (the other players usually don’t realize their normal punching force is quite serious here), and some players end up critically injured in each game. I was lucky to have not witnessed a more violent game with more deaths. I feel very bad now for everyone who has to go through this. Also, not surprisingly, there is no overtime on Miranda. Although this game ended 0-0, under Mirandan rules, it must be recorded as such.

There is a debate on whether to implement overtime to force a winner, or whether to keep the current system to avoid needless injuries to the Mirandan players. This is apparently a controversial topic for Mirandans. The SHL should rule whether or not Miranda’s special rules should be modified or not, if not to help implement consistency in the rules across worlds.

This was a bit of a disappointing game, but I can see why it was done this way. The Europans have invited us to their world to comment on their game with Titan. They’ve also enrolled me in Europan language courses, so I should be able to follow more with what’s going on and provide better commentary. This attempt was not bad for someone who doesn’t speak the language, right? Right?

This Europan guy has told me in his best English that my commentary was terrible and that I have been forcibly enrolled in an intensive hockey-related language course before I comment their game. Maybe this is for the better.

Next episode: Europa. After that, Titan.

Troy_McClure03 · 06-09-2019, 02:54 AM

I am not sure what I read at first, but I am digging it man, keep it up!

TheHockeyist · 06-09-2019, 10:01 AM

@Troy_McClure03 Thanks. Tomorrow I plan to write the next episode.

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