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Whikadoodle · 06-12-2019, 05:51 PM

Each season we take considerable time discussing, debating, and arguing which SMJHL team puts the best team on the ice. Despite the fickle nature of STHS, a consensus always seems to arise that one or two teams should lift the cup by the end of the year.

But with all this hockey talk, one can easily forget what is most important: who would win in a fight. Thus, this article seeks to determine who amongst the SMJHL mascots would win in a street fight. The format is simple, the teams have been divided into two brackets: human and animal. These brackets will be randomized so as to create an even playing field. Teams will be slotted 1 vs 1 and a winner will be determined. As each side of the bracket has five teams, a play in round will take place between teams randomized into the forth and fifth positions. If there is no way to differentiate the competitors, a random setting will be generated to reevaluate the competitors. The determination has been left to a secret panel of hipster judges, of who's identity I am sworn to secrecy.

Without further ado, let us begin.

ANIMAL CATEGORY: PLAY IN ROUND.

LIONS VS RAPTORS

And the draw pits two teams against each other who were strong favorites to win this entire tournament. For those unaware, a lion is a muscular, deep-chested cat with a short, rounded head, a reduced neck and round ears, and a hairy tuft at the end of its tail. Male and female lions often top 400 lbs in weight. Lions often travel in a pride consisting of a few adult males, related females, and cubs. Lions are considered both Apex and keystone predators, with lionesses hunting in packs and lions hunting alone. Alhough string, one key weakness of the lion is short stamina; wherein lions seek to be close to their prey prior to attack.

A Raptor can refer to both the bird and dinosaur, but relying on the team's branding, it seems like the team is in fact the Dromaeosauridae, known by the layman as a raptor due to its use in the Jurrasic Park films. Raptors are small to medium sized feathered theropod dinosaurs. Although no man has met a raptor, the common theory is that these animals are fast and agile, with long, foldable arms and three fingers. A Raptor's most notable weapon is a sickle claw on the second toe. Although scholars disagree with the exact application, it is commonly believed that the claw could be used as a weapon and as a tool to climb and subdue large prey. Although Raptors may utilize cooperation on a short term basis, it is theorized that Raptors are solo hunters and turn on their own kind quickly in the wild.

The Raptor is quite smaller than what is represented in Jurrasic Park. The highest realistic estimate of weight maxes out at 220lbs. Although a group of Raptors may have a chance against a single, unprepared lion, the sheer combined weight difference, as well as the hunting familiarity of lions in a pride, results in this round going to the Lions. A crushing early defeat for the heavyweight Raptors in this tournament.

ANIMAL CATEGORY: SEMIFINAL ROUND 1: FALCONS VS LIONS

The moniker Falcon refers to roughly forty species of birds of prey. Adult falcons have thin, tapered wings, which enable them to fly at high speed and change direction rapidly. The largest falcon is the gyrfalcon at up to 65 cm in length. falcons have exceptional powers of vision; the visual acuity of one species has been measured at 2.6 times that of a normal human.[5] Peregrine falcons have been recorded diving at speeds of 200 miles per hour (320 km/h), making them the fastest-moving creatures on Earth.

Although they are deadly divers, there is simply no fight to be had here. A lion could down a falcon with a swipe of the paw. With the understanding that this is a pride, not a single lion, it is clear that the lions would prevail against any number of falcons. The falcons job in nature to to clean up the scraps, not take down the king of the plains. Thus, this round goes to the lions.

ANIMAL CATEGORY: SEMIFINAL ROUND 2: SCARECROWS VS WHALE(RS)

As there are five human teams and one group of boats in the SMJHL, I made the executive decision to consider the Whalers to be the very thing they hunt, whales, in this tournament. Additionally, although scarecrows are generally inanimate, they are considered animals for the purpose of this fight due to the team's propensity to publicly caw. Don't like it? Start your own interspecies street fight. While the past two rounds have been tooth and nail, this could be considered the softest match up of the whole tournament.

A scarecrow is a decoy or mannequin, often in the shape of a human. Human scarecrows are usually dressed in old clothes and placed in open fields to discourage birds from disturbing and feeding on recently cast seed and growing crops. With the exception of one overrated comic book franchise, any scarecrows in popular culture considered to be alive are usually friendly and often wise.

Whales are a widely distributed and diverse group of fully aquatic placental marine mammals. Whales are creatures of the open ocean; they feed, mate, give birth, suckle and raise their young at sea. So extreme is their adaptation to life underwater that they are unable to survive on land. Once relentlessly hunted for their products, whales are now protected by international law.

Look, obviously the Whalers took a hit because of our executive decision. Whales, while majestic and large, are generally considered the wusses of the sea. For that reason, I will provide the Whalers with one whaler for the remainder of this tournament: the fearless Captain Ahab. In the classic Herman Melville novel Moby Dick, Ahab seeks to find Moby Dick, the sperm whale who ate his leg. SPOILER, Ahab wasn't necessarily the greatest whaler of all time, so this isn't much of an advantage.

As these two parties are divided by land and sea, I will spin the wheel of places to determine where this battle takes place.

The Fight Takes Place On A Bus

Well fuck that just complicates thigs even more. Okay, so if a standard bus is 45 feet long, we could fit roughly one sperm whale or one and a half killer whales, along with the previously mentioned Captain Ahab. Assuming the bus door is closed to prevent the fight from sprawling outside of the vehicle, even if Ahab were to have a similar mishap with a harpoon, the risks of falling out a bus window are slim, and, if this is a school bus in the USA, physically impossible due to federal standards requiring bus windows to only open to an extent. As a mammal, the whale, though out of its comfort zone, would survive on land in a bus no matter how long it takes Ahab to dismember the scarecrows with a harpoon. Furthermore, it is also possible that, assuming the whales were taken from the ocean at some point close in time to the fight, the whales would introduce water to the environment; reducing the structural integrity of the scarecrows themselves. For these reasons, the Whales (and Ahab) move on to the Animal finals.

ANIMAL CATEGORY: FINAL ROUND: LIONS VS WHALE(RS)

Although the Lions come into this fight as a clear favorite, the land-sea conundrum takes us back to the wheel of locations to learn where this fight might take place. Hold onto your butts.

The fight takes place in a nursing home

Jfc. Okay, so the amount of whales is no longer an issue, so long as we consider a standard size nursing home with the standard layout of a common and dining area outside a series of individual rooms. Also considering most nursing homes are one story, we do not need to research how quickly a lion whale, or disabled sea captain could climb a flight of stairs.

The Lions have a clear advantage here, and the only real variable that could come into play is whether there are senior citizens currently present in the nursing home. Lions will hunt people if given the chance, but this fact only delays the inevitable devour of a group of whales. Furthermore, it is unlikely Captain Ahab would be able to outrun a lion due to his peg leg. For these reasons, the Lions advance to the finals to face the winner of the Human bracket.

HUMAN CATEGORY: PLAY IN ROUND: KNIGHTS VS OUTLAWS

This is more than a street fight, but a fight of ideology. A noble group of esteemed gentlemen against a savage group of hooligans. A knight is a man granted an honorary title of knighthood by a monarch, bishop or other political or religious leader for service to the monarch or a Christian church, especially in a military capacity. Historically, in Europe, knighthood was conferred upon mounted warriors. The lords trusted the knights, who were skilled in battle on horseback. In the late medieval period, new methods of warfare began to render classical knights in armour obsolete.

In historical legal systems, an outlaw is declared as outside the protection of the law. In pre-modern societies, the criminal is withdrawn all legal protection, so that anyone is legally empowered to persecute or kill them. "outlaw" is still commonly used to mean those violating the law or, by extension, those living that lifestyle, whether actual criminals evading the law or those merely opposed to "law-and-order" notions of conformity and authority.

I am sworn to a creed that I will not change interpretations of a mascot for the purposes of a single match or due to an opponent, I will solely stick to the original meaning of the mascot as much as the term permits barring circumstances where an interpretation is necessary. Here, I see no such interpretation is necessary. A knight, although possibly referring to a modern day knight such as Paul McCartney or Jean Luc Picard, can be interpreted to mean highly skilled and trained medieval warriors. An outlaw, in any definition, is not necessarily a badass, but someone who is running from anything and everything as he has no legal right to life. Due to the training of the knights, they will go on to fight in the semifinals.

HUMAN CATEGORY: SEMIFINAL ROUND 1: RAIDERS VS KNIGHTS

Let's get right into it. Although Wikipedias disembauguation on Raider only lists one group of people, the Marine Raiders, an elite special ops group of the US military, I have to abide by the Raptor Rule and interpret the Raiders to be, in essence, pirates. However, pirate is quite a broad category, including space and air pirates, intellectual pirates, and the pirates of the sea we commonly known of through pop culture. The sole thread between these groups is a desire to take what they want. I say that because it is what is taught on the Pirate (sexual slang) Wikipedia entry, which is both unnecessary and disturbing.

Although I believe the match slightly favors the Knights at this point due to their organization and, to put it delicately, more concrete code of conduct, let's spin the wheel of locations to determine where this fight takes place.

The story begins in a battlefield

Raiders are fucked. This is the definition of the Knights wheelhouse. The Raiders, as pirates, are masters of improvisation and opportunism, but there isn't much to be had when the knights have trained for this very moment. Swords and schmitars balance each other out, but no conventional tool of the pirate can navigate the battlefield. The proper training and organization of the Knights, combined with the Raiders issues wirh depth perception (I believe there's am eye patch in the logo), makes this a somber win for the Knights.

HUMAN CATEGORY: SEMIFINAL ROUND 2: ARMADA VS MILITIA

All right, I think we know where this is going (to the wheel!), but let's take a look at our opponents. Note, although not a person, the Armada is in this bracket. Have a problem? See infra

Although they could create a solid parntership with Nissan, an Armada is the Spanish and Portuguese word for naval fleet, which also adopted into English. A fleet or naval fleet is a large formation of warships, which is controlled by one leader of and the largest formation in any navy. A fleet at sea is the direct equivalent of an army on land. Modern fleets combine surface warships, submarines, support ships and ship-based aircraft to conduct naval operations at sea.

A Militia is generally an army or some other fighting organization of non-professional soldiers, citizens of a nation, or subjects of a state, who can be called upon for military service during a time of need, as opposed to a professional force of regular, full-time military personnel, or historically, members of a warrior nobility class (e.g., knights or samurai). (that's straight from the wiki). Generally unable to hold ground against regular forces, it is common for militias to be used for aiding regular troops by skirmishing, holding fortifications, or irregular warfare, instead of being used in offensive campaigns by themselves.

Due to the importance placed in this tournament on organized groups, it seems like this battle would be easily won by an Armada no matter the scene. However, the Militia are based in Montreal, and in Canada, the title "Militia" historically referred to the land component of the armed forces, both regular (full-time) and reserve. The departure of the majority of British forces in Canada made the Canadian militia the only major land forces available in Canada. In 1940, both components of the militia, PAM and NPAM were reorganized, the former into Canadian Army (Active), the latter into the Canadian Army (Reserve). More relevant for this fight, in 1942, the Army's Pacific Command created the Pacific Coast Militia Rangers. Intended to function similarly to the United Kingdom's Home Guard, the Rangers were a secondary defence force, defending the coast of British Columbia and Yukon from potential Japanese attack. The Canadian Army Reserve continued to use the term militia until the unification of the Canadian Armed Forces in 1968. Since unification, no Canadian military force has formally used militia in its name. Colloquially however, the word militia is used to refer to the Canadian Army Reserve.

So we have a naval fleet going against what could be considered an entire military until 1940, a naval defense system until 1968, and the reserves until present. Let's see where this battle takes place to determine if that tips the scales in anyone's favor.

The fight takes place on a Yacht

You can't make this shit up. Scouts honor, that's what came up. So, this needs to be interpreted. As an Armada can't really exist on another, singular boat, I have to assume both are fighting on yachts themselves. That is, the Armada is made up solely of yachts, and the militia is also on a singular yacht. The Armada has vast experience on the seas, and this seems like a dream draw for them. However, the life blood of the Armada are the ships themselves. It can be assumed that any modern yacht comes with the safety essentials necessary to preserve human life in the event of a sinking ship. And it is also assumed that a yacht does not have the military capability to take down another ship without physically ramming into the boat. For this reason, I say the ships will all sink. This leaves all human fighters on a lifeboat or utilizing flotation devices. The Militia remains intact, however, the actual Armada is destroyed. Due to the modern advancements in safety requirements for luxury vessels, the Militia pull off the upset and are headed to the bracket finals.

HUMAN CATEGORY: FINAL ROUND: KNIGHTS VS MILITIA

So here we are, we have Knights vs Militia. Look, using the interpretation above that this is a Canadian militia, the militia has much more advanced weaponry than the Knights known for their military prowess. The setting here does not matter; the Militia take this round and will be headed to the Finals.

FINAL SHOWDOWN: LIONS VS MILITIA

And here we are, a battle for the ages. But not really. Here's the deal, a pack of lions with the proper motivation and favorable circumstances could take down a person. If there was an unarmed group of people, it would be a slaighter. However, the entire country of Canada would be disgraced should a pack of lions be able to decimate a 1940s militia. Even assuming that it's just the reserves currently, modern technology would result in, at most, fewer than ten casualties on the side of the militia.

For these reasons, the champion of the SMJHL Mascot Brawl is the Montreal Militia. Go crazy.

[2893 Words]

~~PenKnight~~ · 06-12-2019, 10:06 PM

I love it!!

However, the entire country of Canada would be disgraced should a pack of lions be able to decimate a 1940s militia.
LOL

Nice break down on this stuff.
You really got into some serious detail!

Go Militia

!!

jason97 · 06-13-2019, 12:55 AM

in 4

***notorioustig*** · 06-13-2019, 01:20 AM

From Wiki: "The General Dynamics F-16 Fighting Falcon is a single-engine supersonic multirole fighter aircraft originally developed by General Dynamics (now Lockheed Martin) for the United States Air Force (USAF)."

I want a recount

*Zoone16* · 06-13-2019, 06:42 AM

*Katth* · 06-13-2019, 06:46 AM

06-13-2019, 06:42 AMZoone16 Wrote:

S50 Challenge Cup Finals Game 7
[Image: gNFVjT6.png]

***Gwdjohnson*** · 06-14-2019, 12:13 PM

Holy fuck this is hilarious. The yacht part had me cracking up.

TnlAstatine · 06-14-2019, 12:43 PM

get fucked raptors, go back to basketball

***Inf1d3l*** · 06-14-2019, 05:32 PM

I'd argue the whale would just crush the nursing home with the lion inside instantly

Fordyford · 06-14-2019, 06:38 PM

Bs that the armada lost tbh. Militia is an abstract concept and history shows that rarely does an organised militia remain intact following a rout of the kind that sinking them all would cause. Therefore my conclusion would be that not only did the Armada lose, so did the militia and therefore we should go to overtime.

Sand · 06-14-2019, 08:44 PM

Haha fun read! I see us in Halifax more as Vikings. However Vikings aren't much different than pirates. Instead of robbing helpless merchant vessels, they pillage helpless fishing villages. Knights might win in a brawl, but on the ice its gonna be a totally different story chieftain ;]