Create Account

Rating what really matters in the S48 SMJHL Draft - the player names!
#1
(This post was last modified: 06-13-2019, 10:39 AM by gillon.)

Code:
double media

10914 characters / 2578 words


First off; shoutouts to @5ympathies for reminding me how awesome his idea is. I'm gonna go ahead and shamelessly steal it because it's a fun topic.

Now, other SMJHL GMs might disagree with me, but a great name is clearly the biggest contributing factor to ones sim hockey career success. Unless you're breaking records, having a witty or memorable name is the only surefire way of carving yourself into the pantheon of legends on the site. Given this, the names of prospects obviously carry a ton of weight for how they're valued in a draft. I'll be ranking each drafted players name on a scale of 1-10, being completely objective and fair as always.

1 - Noah Andros - Good_Ole_Kimmy

Kimmy gets a few points for originality with that surname - what is that, greek? Can't say I've ever heard of a greek hockey player, much less one to go 1OA. A first name of 'Noah' is gonna drag the score down a bit though. Not because it's bad per se, but it's very run of the mill.

6/10

2 - Derek Bohne - wumaduce
Aight, straight up - 'Derek' ain't nothing to write home about. 'Bohne' however is a zinger of last time, that shit sounds like he has a slapper like a howitzer. Sounds german to me, efficient and straight to the point - no wasted syllables. Plus, you've got shitloads of puns to work with here; 'got a Bohne to pick with me?', 'ya fucking bohnehead' etc. Also, having the locker room nickname Bohner is just the frosting on the cake.

8/10

3 - Cody - Winter is Coming
People are GUARANTEED sleeping on this dudes name. They're all like 'what? Cody? just Cody?' - but that's the sheer brilliance of it. If the player would've been named something like Cody Backwater or Cody Mudflinger or whatever this'd be a midtier name for sure, forgettable as all hell. But the omittance of a surname makes it rise above, go to new heights. This guy is gonna have 'Cody' on the back of his jersey, that's fucking dope. There's something about not even needing a surname that oozes dominance.

Toptier namepick of the draft for sure.

9/10

4 - Jagger Fouquette - Waters
Jagger is spicy, Fouquette is french. What is that anyway, a dish? Something cheese based? Is this like some wordplay on how you're going to be dishing fat cheese or some other youngster expression? 

Either way I fucking like it.

7.5/10

5 - Prince Devitt - CFJ
So we've got a Crossfit messiah going with a royal name. It's a risky play, but we'll see how it pans out. 'Devitt' kind of secures it a bit with some originality. Sounds European, but that might just be me... hey, that might just be it - European royalty theme? I can dig that. 

6.5/10

6 - Elijah Jones - Torvbo
Sounds like an Welsh popsinger.

Solid 5/7.

7 - Jan Zacha - StaticShocked
Sound Czech, sounds hockey. Nothing too outstanding, but it won't let you down either. It's like the Toyota Prius of hockey names.

5.5/10.

8 - BrewskyBoy - Noah Brusky
Another Noah, but again it gets some mileage because of a pretty cool surname. Sounds like a bruiser, bet he plays like one as well. Then again - a bruiser named Noah? I don't know man.

6/10.

9 - Conor Tanner - Keygan
I like the 'Tanner' name, it's not very unique but it sounds like a hard worker. Like, we're talking serious GRIT/60. 'Conor' with a single 'n' is kinda risqué, but between you and me imma let it fly cause he's a good ol' MTL boy.

8/10, not biased. 

10 - Anthony Archer - Zach
I really dig the 'Archer' surname, sound cool, looks dope on a jersey. Makes you think that he'll have some real zingers off the blue line. Probably some smooth archery goal celebrations to top it of as well. There's just one issue. His first name is Anthony, making the combo to matchy-matchy. It sounds like a character from some pre-school kids show - Anthony Archer and Peter Padlock goes treasure hunting or some shit.

It's too bad, could've been headed for greatness but alas, it's not for everyone.

5.5/10. (surname still too dope to go lower than that)

11 - Heat Siecker - HeatSiecker
Okay, FINALLY, we're getting to the big guns. The boys who are in it to win it. You're looking at an S-tier name right here, and it fucking blows my MIND a name like this dropped to 11OA. Nevermind the obvious heatseeker theme, simply having the first name HEAT is fucking sick. I'm thinking of naming my firstborn HEAT (all caps, btw) as we speak - gender irrelevant.

Look for big things to come outta my boy HEAT.

9.5/10.

12 - Bo Kane -  NONAME
For a user named NONAME he sure can name a player. 'Bo Kane' sounds like a lumberjack gone barefist brawler gone pro hockey player. There isn't going to be many players wanting face down this guy on the ice, and that's before gloves are even dropped. Having a name like 'Bo Kane' is like have some type of Intimidation Aura ability. Have we gone too far? Does player names need to be regulated? HO, get on it.

8.5/10.

13 - Delver Fudgeson - Massive Coiler
Right, I'm gonna go ahead and admit Fudgeson got a chuckle out of me, but that'll only work once. I'm lowbrow, but there are limits, mkay. I'm liking the Delver name though - shoutouts to any Path of Exile players in here, Delve league was hype.

6/10. (i'll chuckle once or twice again TOPS to this name)

14 - Jake Primeau - Rangersbruinslightning
Hmm, Jake. Hmm, Primeau. Yeah, that's a hockey name. I like Optimus Prime.

6/10.

15 - Gotta Love honors bio - Gottalovehonorsbio
At first glance, this name is just fucking weird. Then you give it a moment, and you give it a second glance - still fucking weird. As I've learned it has some backstory about liking biology class or some such. Weird and a backstory? I'll let it slide, youngster. This might be one of those names that grows on me though, and it's definitely one of the names you remember just because of how weird it is.

7.5/10.

16 - Wyatt Ruschkoff - Sand
I might steal this name for an RPG character, honestly. Sounds like a gunslinger (probably the Wyatt part), and the surname reinforces the bad ass aspect of it. I'm not sure how well they combo, but we'll call that creative freedom on Sand's part.

7.5/10.

17 - Skao Anazibf - nour
Hmm, sounds... middle-eastern? Could be wrong on that though. I'm kinda luke warm on the surname, but 'Skao' has got me intrigued. Brb, googling. "As Skao you have a great love of nature and the out-of-doors." Fuck, hockey is usually played indoors in this league, did anyone tell nour? 

I guess he'll shine on the winter classics but that's a real niché to shoot for. We all got our own dreams I guess, you do you bro.

6/10 indoors, 9/10 outdoors (ability bonus).

18 - Ricky Spanish - Whikadoodle
Are we REALLY sure this guy plays hockey? This sounds like a pornstar. S46 had Johnny Sins in it, and now a dude named Ricky Spanish. I'm not one too judge though, if hockey is more your thing go for it. Johnny peaced out early for law school though, so I can't say pornstars have got a great track record so far, but maybe Ricky will be the exception to the rule.

7/10.

19 - Hugh Jazz - ThatDamnMcJesus
Yeah. That's dope. Again, lowbrow shit got me chuckling - but on top of that you have to realize it'll say 'Jazz' on the jersey which is dope whether or not you appreciate the fine linguistic skills needed by McJesus to craft this one. On top of that, the name is very topical and appropriate. Hockey players are notorious for having a Hugh Jazz.

9/10. (Easy S-tier)

20 - Knox Booth - Tate
'Booth' has that 'Bohne' feel for me but without the puns. Or maybe I'm just not witty enough. It's short, snappy and looks cool. 'Knox' is weird, but not my kinda weird.

6.5/10.

21 - Jean-Francois Mayer - YVOVD
I.. I got nothing, man.

5/7.

22  - Raquel Castillo Gutierrez - Jiggly_333
I like it; the name feels like it has a person with a story to it. It's a regular name that manages to not be dull, which isn't that easy. 

Usually I'm all about the short, hard hitting, action hero-y names but this is a breath of fresh air.

7/10.

24 - Jon Snow - ckenny45
That's a no from me, dawg.

2/10.

25 - Sterling Slaughter - ItsLTH
This name is in the risk zone of being too matchy-matchy like what I mentioned regarding 'Anthony Archer' - but it gets away with it. I think the reason as to why I'm more okay with it in this case is both the combination work together better. It's a name that isn't trying to be lowkey - 'Sterling Slaughter' sounds like an super hero (..or villain), and it does it pretty well.

7.5/10.

26 - Jukka Jokinen - jtp
That's a tasty hockey name. Finnish names always look cool to me, and any single combination of Finnish names are gonna sound like a hockey player, so you can't really go wrong. That said, kinda like with 'Jan Zacha', it's a very safe bet and no risks were taken. I can't really complain as I did the same exact thing with my player though.

Still, Finns rock.

6.5/10.

27 - Nicklaus Engel - rittflyers
Assuming we're dealing with a German player here. There's actually been quite a few Nicklaus/Nikolaus last few season that I've seen, so the originality of it has waned a bit. Wish I could score it higher, but as this is a completely objective and fact based rating report, I'm gonna have to do my duty.

5/7.

28 - Mike Richard - mrLucasLGR
I'm not even gonna try on this one.

5/10.

29 - Gavin Hughes - Brandon
I like Gavin; I'm OK with Hughes. Sounds like a dude who could be a hockey player, but name isn't gonna stick on my mind for ages without results, so the name isn't doing a lot of legwork for Brandon.

6.5/10.

31 - Cupa Kakko - finn_tatti25
I'm like 99% sure that Cupa isn't a Finnish name. This could be a Maro Bros miniboss though; Koopa Kakko. Even so, this name gets points because it sounds fun to say fast.

7/10. (CUP O' KAKKO, CUP O' KAKKO)

32 - Brennan Griggs - Griggsb47
Slightly better than Mike 'lukewarm' Richards, but we're talking inches here. I like deadly weapon though. The old ones, not the new stuff, don't @ me.

5.5/10. (i'm too old for this shit)

33 - Rick Sanchez - HABSFAN9733
Is it safe to say I like the show without being judged to Mordor and back?

That said, that's just a characters name. It has the pornstar thing going for it, but even so it isn't much better than 'Jon Snow'.

4.5/10.

34 - Henrik Sapotchik - robinsonp16
Feels like a weird combination of names, like generator made or something. Sapotchik feels russian/eastern european, and I'm not too sure 'Henrik' is all too popular in that area of the world. Could be some dual citizenship going on though. It's a meh for me; 'Sapotchik' has potential though.

5.5/10.

35 - Fredrik Jensen - FJTG
I bet he's a Dane, and as a Swede I'm actually obligated to subtract points for that reason. Sorry bro, it is what it is. 

4/10.

36 - Karl Motley - motzaburg
'Karl' reminds me of Karl Pilkington from 'An Idiot Abroad'. I'm going to go ahead and assume he's your render and that instantly makes your player 10 times better.

7.5/10. (watch it, it's great)

37 - Nolan McMahon - Reynolds

[Image: giphy.gif]

6.5/10.

38 - Jared Lammi  - jlnhlfan
Sounds like a pop-rock singer. Like, I can hear a Nickelback feat. Jared Lammi song in my head right now, and I've gotta tell you: it ain't good. That said, maybe you're better at hockey.

6/10.

40 - Theodore Sober - shitpostbot2000
'Theodore' is a pretty good percentage play in the naming game. Works great as a first name, works great as a surname. I think that the real play for shitpostbot2000 (lol) would've been going for the 'Theodore Theodore' option, or better yet 'Theodore "Theo" Theodore'. Triple T has a ring to it.

As it is, passable but no greatness.

6/10.

42 - Jimmy Van Johns - TheGrza
It was a WHILE since we had a real zinger. Picking up 'Jimmy Van Johns' at 42OA is a really strong value pick. Isn't there an NHL player called JVJ? Am I making that up? If there isn't he even has dibs on that nickname; and it rolls buttery smooth off the tongue. This one flew way under the radar to drop so low, we've got some real underdog potential here.

8/10.

43 - Elijah Richardson - lijahR92
That's a hard pass for me.

5/7.

44 - Martin Kakko - martyn142006
Another Kakko in the same draft class? Even with 'Cupa' being a really odd choice, I still prefer it to 'Martin'. This time the draft seems to have been appropriate in the order of Kakkos drafted; 'Cupa Kakko' definitely has a better outlook from the name perspective.

4.5/10.

---

..and that's when I ran empty on creative juices. Shout out to Arthur Dayne who was drafted a few pick after that, really the only notable name I felt there was left.

If you've managed to get this far I humbly thank you and hope you received some form of education into the importance of names and what to look for... or entertainment.

Looking at the grand total of given ratings in this report we've got an average rating of 6,714/10. This is not counting the separate 5/7 scale, factors regarding indoor/outdoor performance or other circumstances that I completely pulled out of my ass.

Hope you have a good one, peace.

[Image: vhY18i8.png] [Image: nBgNUTY.png]

[Image: f7Sn74Q.png]
[Image: G7pWGHR.png]
Reply
#2

im glad my legacy on this site will be rating player names

[Image: j2h9XpS.png]
Thanks to JSS for the signature


[Image: ohmEd0h.png][Image: apAE8qn.png]



Reply
#3

This man gets it.

[Image: cody-rhodes-aew-2.jpg]

[Image: giphy.gif]
[pbhfx]













[/pbhfx]
ShlBattlebornUkShlBattlebornUkShlBattlebornUk
Player Page || Update Page
Reply
#4
(This post was last modified: 06-12-2019, 06:46 PM by micool132.)

You completly missed it on Nicklaus Engel which is obviously a reference to the best police officer ever. [Image: latest?cb=20070710200048]



Character Page RD- Quarterback
[Image: micool132.gif]

Retired players:
-Toki Wartooth
-Nathan Explosion btw
-Angus McFife XVIII

[Image: lUeg4KM.png]
Reply
#5

Militia
Reply
#6

Really creative article idea, nicely done dude! Enjoyed reading it. Some funny ass names.

[Image: O8HREwL.png]


Raptors Canada pride
Player Page - Update Page
Reply
#7

06-12-2019, 06:46 PMmicool132 Wrote: You completly missed it on Nicklaus Engel which is obviously a reference to the best police officer ever. [Image: latest?cb=20070710200048]

Oh, shit. Hot Fuzz was sick, that would've been a nice +1.5 rating modifier had I remembered.

[Image: vhY18i8.png] [Image: nBgNUTY.png]

[Image: f7Sn74Q.png]
[Image: G7pWGHR.png]
Reply
#8

06-13-2019, 01:21 AMgillon Wrote:
06-12-2019, 06:46 PMmicool132 Wrote: You completly missed it on Nicklaus Engel which is obviously a reference to the best police officer ever. [Image: latest?cb=20070710200048]

Oh, shit. Hot Fuzz was sick, that would've been a nice +1.5 rating modifier had I remembered.

You do know there's an edit function right?  Lightbulb

[Image: Katth.gif]


  [Image: CsnVET2.png]
Barracuda Germany Scarecrows Knights


[Image: cgv4vCv.png] [Image: 95lCCDx.png] [Image: GATPRRX.png]
S50 Challenge Cup Finals Game 7
[Image: gNFVjT6.png]
Reply
#9

06-12-2019, 05:24 PMgillon Wrote:
Code:
20 - Knox Booth - Tate
'Booth' has that 'Bohne' feel for me but without the puns. Or maybe I'm just not witty enough. It's short, snappy and looks cool. 'Knox' is weird, but not my kinda weird.

6.5/10.
... You're weird! So there. Wink

[Image: f7IGJw3.png]
[Image: UFYQyLU.png]
Reply
#10
(This post was last modified: 06-14-2019, 03:23 AM by rittflyers.)

[Image: 1-Hot-Fuzz-quotes.gif]

But I'll take that cool 6.5/7

Nicklaus Engel Player Profile
Nicklaus Engel Update Page TPE:297
Drafted by Kelowna Knights 27th Overall S48 SMHJL Draft
Drafted by Chicago Syndicate 36th Overall in the S49 SHL Draft 

Quote:Monday 26 August 26 2019, RW - Nicklaus Engel of the Kelowna Knights scored a hattrick with only 7 minutes and 21 seconds of icetime.

[Image: zi7HAlh.png]
Thanks DollarAndADream
Reply




Users browsing this thread:
1 Guest(s)




Navigation

 

Extra Menu

 

About us

The Simulation Hockey League is a free online forums based sim league where you create your own fantasy hockey player. Join today and create your player, become a GM, get drafted, sign contracts, make trades and compete against hundreds of players from around the world.