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SecondSucks22 · 08-04-2019, 04:12 AM

Hello ladies and gentleman, its I the guy that blows the majority of a 15 million dollar contract within 3 days of signing it, due to this Im forced to actually work for my money, and as such I will be breaking down the quality of the most recent SHL entry draft's first 2 rounds by name, and name alone. This is for sure a cop out for 2x media, so buckle in people, im tired and i only know how to shitpost.

32. [Image: blizzard.png]

Edmonton Blizzard (via Buffalo Stampede) - Conor Tanner

Ok starting off pretty god damn weak here, first and foremost, you didnt even spell Connor right, like what? This isnt wheel of fortune, and N isnt a vowel you have to buy. Personally this pick by Edmonton was really weak and if it wasnt originally acquired from Buffalo, I would be quite dissapointed.

31. [Image: jets.png]

Winnipeg Jets - Henry Morris IV

Im going to go really easy on Winnipeg in this article because I still feel bad about leaving, and I ESPECIALLY feel bad for what I sent stamkos after the fact. I dont know if this player knows it, but he is named after the "Father of modern creation science" which if I remember correctly is "god made us and heres how I will prove it." If he DOESNT know that, then I would be interested to hear about the first 3 Henry Morris'.

30. [Image: stars.png]

Toronto North Stars (via New Orleans Specters) - Jared Lammi

I looked up this name and one of the first results was someone petitioning Sega to cancel a game called "sonic forces". If that is the same Jared Lammi then someone needs to reevaluate their priorities my friend. Good luck in Toronto where starting petitions calling for something to be cancelled is as easy as peeing on your coat and yelling at no one on the corner of any street.

29. [Image: platoon.png]

West Kendall Platoon - PASS

Probably the first response you got back from most players when you were scouting them.

28. [Image: wolfpack2.png]

New England Wolfpack (via Tampa Bay Barracuda) - PASS

See Above.

27. [Image: pride-new.png]

San Francisco Pride - Heat Siecker

Now HERE is a good fucking name. I mean a little on the nose with "Heat" but the new spelling of Siecker is perfect, if only we didnt play a game ON A LITERAL SHEET OF ICE. Aside from that quality name 8/10.

26. [Image: steelhawks.png]

Hamilton Steelhawks - Jagger Fourquette

Now here is a good name people, first and foremost the first name reminds me of Pacific Rim, and anyone who can remind me of a movie where a giant fuck off robot beats a giant fuck off alien to death with a boat is good in my book. Then the last name is spelled really close to being called "fuckit". This is a good name, and its unique, good job Jagger.

25. [Image: dragons.png]

Calgary Dragons - PASS

I wont make fun of this OTHER than the fact you missed out on Heat Siecker and Jagger Fourquette. Otherwise I dont hate Calgary (the team, fuck the city).

24. [Image: wolfpack2.png]

New England Wolfpack (via Toronto North Stars) - Jukka Jokinen

I actually like this name just because of the way it sounds, other than that its kinda bland. That said you have to play in NEW now so Ill go easy on you, you have a tough life.

23. [Image: blizzard.png]

Edmonton Blizzard - Jean-Paul Boivin

My Boi, I will miss you, have fun with those icy handjobs from edmonton hookers (I got that from a cards against humanity card, please dont thunder dome me). That said I love the name, its fun to say and the fact that youve adopted the nickname "the boi" makes me proud, you go sit in that awesome mall, just dont think Ill take it easy on you when coach drags me to that hell hole of a province to play against you.

22. [Image: wolfpack2.png]

New England Wolfpack - Delver Fudgeson

What even is this name?

21. [Image: renegades.png]

Texas Renegades - Jake Primeau

Now this is a "Primeau" name right here, god I hope I have that pronunciation right, otherwise this joke is awful. Ill see myself out.

20. [Image: syndicate.png]

Chicago Syndicate - Leonid Kofix

I dont... I dont even... like... What? How do I even pronounce this name? Where do I start? Like atleast Primaslav Bananahammoc had a fun name we could turn into a meme.

19. [Image: stampede.png]

Buffalo Stampede (via Minnesota Chiefs) - Denver Wolfe

Does Denver even have wolves? Like its in Colorado so I would imagine they do. Drop the E and your rating will go up.

18. [Image: panthers.jpg]

Los Angeles Panthers - Nolan McMahon

McMahon... WAY too scottish, and a man from an Irish family THIS WILL NOT STAND.

17. [Image: wolfpack2.png]

New England Wolfpack (via Manhattan Rage) - Jakub Bruchevski

You know what, it took me a try or two to be confident in pronouncing this name, but now that I have it, I like it, but NEW, im tired of seeing you around here.

16. [Image: blizzard.png]

Edmonton Blizzard (via Buffalo Stampede) - Noah Andros

Im genuinly curious if you picked this name with the intention of having a Greek last name, if you did, thats awesome, we dont see the Greek in hockey all that often, if you didnt, well, dont admit that. Same to you about Edmonton though.

15. [Image: jets.png]

Winnipeg Jets - Artem Mozgov

As my former Whalers team mate, Im sorry I wasnt around for more than an hour after you got drafted, I truely am, but sometimes it be like that. Have fun knowing your best friend plays for your rival team.

14. [Image: stars.png]

Toronto North Stars (via New Orleans Specters) - Knox Booth

I dont know why I like this name so much, maybe its because it has an X in it. Either way, quality name, awful team location, Im a little bias, Im sure the team is great, except that Troy Reynolds guy.

13. [Image: stars.png]

Toronto North Stars (via West Kendall Platoon) - Derek Bohne Jr.

Seriously though I miss that Reynolds guy, now we play an hour away from eachother... heh, bohne.

12. [Image: barracuda.png]

Tampa Bay Barracuda - Anthony Archer

What happened baby? I had you going like 3oa in my mock. Either way you ended up on a team with one of the best people in the league in Gunnar, so have fun, enjoy the tax laws, you lucky bastard.

11. [Image: pride-new.png]

San Francisco Pride - Mikas Bieksa

You better be in some way related to Kevin Bieksa, otherwise Im VERY dissapointed in you.

10. [Image: steelhawks.png]

Hamilton Steelhawks - Skao Anazibf

Best player in the draft, hands down. I dont know him but he was drafted to Hamilton so immediatly top 2, maybe top 3 cause my boi.

9. [Image: dragons.png]

Calgary Dragons - Prince Devitt

Why not "King" Devitt? You sir are selling yourself short and I hate to see that, maybe by the time you are called up you will have earned the throne (I had to google how to spell throne.)

8. [Image: stars.png]

Toronto North Stars - Jan Zacha

I played with you in Vancouver and I still dont know how to actually pronounce you're name.

7. [Image: blizzard.png]

Edmonton Blizzard - Khabib Nurmagomedov

I have to start this by saying, if you try to put me in a hold on the ice, im stomping on your hand with my skate on. Secondly if you can make it past Georges St Pierre, you have earned your place on an SHL roster... thats a big "If"

6. [Image: platoon.png]

West Kendall Platoon (via Edmonton Blizzard, via New England Wolfpack) - Cody

Straight and to the point, unlike the history of this pick.

5. [Image: renegades.png]

Texas Renegades - Ricky Spanish

I see through this disguise ROGER... Im calling area 51 and your going back to where you belong you grey alien you.

4. [Image: blizzard.png]

Edmonton Blizzard (via West Kendall Platoon, via Buffalo Stampede, via Chicago Syndicate) - Finn Rhys

If im not mistaken Finn Rhys isnt your full name, but Im way too tired to actually look it up. This name ALSO sounds celtic, so I like it, dont you ever change.

3. [Image: pride-new.png]

San Francisco Pride (via Texas Renegades, via Minnesota Chiefs, via Buffalo Stampede) - Bo Kane

I love this name, I have no reason to love this name, and yet, I do. Its short, its sweet, and it reminds me of Kane from the WWE, what more could a sleep deprived man child like myself want?

2. [Image: renegades.png]

Texas Renegades (via San Francisco Pride, via Manhattan Rage) - Noah Brusky

This name is so northern ontario bush party that I think I got an STD reading it, both Noah and Brusky, it sounds like what you would say to your friend when your drink is empty. If you were a dick and didnt know how to say please and or thank you. If you dont have some sort of connection to beer or a brewery in the future, you will have missed an amazing branding oppertunity.

1. [Image: panthers.jpg]

Los Angeles Panthers - Elijah Jones

This name would pair so well with Noah Brusky. As in it sounds like the name of a shitty country singer that some dude with a jacked up truck *that he doesnt take mudding mind you* would have on at the northern bush party, while you ask your friend Noah to get you another drink. Please for the love of god become a country singer in the near future so this name wont annoy me so much.

That concludes my thoughts on the names of each player taken in the first 2 rounds of the season 49 SHL entry draft. I apologise if it seems rambly in sections. I am actually exhausted and fearing my bank account. Look out for actual media in the future.

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