TASK ONE:

Game one of the first round matchup between the Hamilton Steelhawks and the West Kendall Platoon was a three to two overtime thriller won by the team from sunny Florida. This game featured inspired play from both teams but ultimately was won by the efforts of Russian ice goddess Maria Maximova who had two goals and an assist including the overtime game winner.

The winning goal was scored from the blue line on a powerful slap shot by the young defensive stalwart. Ales Smirnov had carried the puck into the zone and passed it to a hard charging Zalleras Szlerchek barreling up the left-hand side. Big Z took control of the puck and went straight at the net. Rather than shooting, the veteran leader wisely sent the puck back to the waiting, muscular Muscovite who blasted a monster shot into the top left corner of the net, Big Z screening Tanner' s view the whole way.

TASK TWO:

Everyone, except for Jon Snow (because he knows nothing) knows that Dean Colt is an absolute beast. His last few seasons have been monstrous without fail. However this particular year was exceptional even for him. Villagers deep in the Andes mountains would find themselves awake at odd hours in the silence of their remote environs trembling from contact with stray bands of energy and awesomeness thrown off by the imposing hockey monolith thousands of miles away. Colt tallied an eye opening thirteen goals and forty three assists for an imposing fifty six points in just fifty games. Dean Colt is no mere pretty boy primadonna skating piroettes and taking wristers though. He also racked up an amazing one hundred and eighty one hits and sixteen blocked shots, manly numbers for a manly man.

The Hamilton Steelhawks made the playoffs this last season , in no small part due to the efforts of the aforementioned Colt. They faced up against the West Kendall Platoon in the first round, the Toronto North Stars in the second and are currently locked in epic battle with the Calgary Dragons in the Challenge Cup Finals. Dean Colt has been just as, if not more so, instrumental in Hamilton's playoff success as he was to their regular season. In seventeen games played so far, he has seven goals and fifteen assists for a blistering twenty two points. He has brought his physical game into the playoffs as well hammering home eighty seven hits.

TASK THREE:

In history all too often, the most illustrative events go unchronicled, cast aside for more easily managed and readily palatable stories whose heroes are unambiguous and whose morals are clear and practical. Such is the case with this season's titanic toss up between the Hamilton Steelhawks and the West Kendall Platoon.

While the records will show the Steelhawks were victorious in six games on the ice the truth of the matter is they had already won before the first skate was ever laced. Dark and terrible things were afoot in and around Hamilton's facility where good men feared to tred. Jakob Tanner, a known follower of certain black and arcane rights, had convened with hostile and menacing forces from beyond the veil to assure victory for his squad. What terrible price will come due for this, no one yet knows.

One can only imagine what would have transpired had such rank and vile calumny not been brought to bear against the heroic West Kendall team. It goes without saying no team could actually defeat the Platoon in a fair seven game matchup, so clearly they would have won without the interference of dark forces. Oh week, there's always next year.


TASK FOUR:

Slappy McDoodle is a man with dreams. These dreams, not all of which involve Lithuanian circus midgets and rubber appliances, feel very real to the man-God known as the Slapster. One of his most common, besides the aforementioned wet ones revolves around having won the Challenge Cup with the West Kendall Platoon.

McDoodle sees himself, in the off-season, on a beach in the South Pacific, maybe Bora Bora it's hard to say from what he can see around him, spending his day with the cup. He has filled said cup with lubricant and laid out some rubber sheets right on the beachside overlooking the Crystal clear blue waters of the Pacific. Pierre Luc-LaFlamme' s large and lovely sisters, fresh from their own victory in a Peruvian power lifting tournament have helicoptered in and are oiling each other up in preparation for the day's festivities.

Chancho and Chanchito, McDoodle' s faithful father and son pair of man-servants, have gathered a number of live octopi to be used during the upcoming bachannalia and are currently dyeing them blue, a small but integrall detail easily overlooked by a lesser quality of man-servant. Chancho and son, however, are the best and take pride in fulfilling their master's every carnal desire and twisted fantasy no matter the work involved or the hours of therapy necessary in driving the resultant images from their skulls.

The dream fades out there. It is all about preparation and anticipation for the perfect day. To see and experience the actual hedonistic glories to come after that moment Slappy understands he will actually have to take that final step and hoist the cup high. It will be a day of legend that can only be realized once on any plane of reality. He awaits it with great anticipation.