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L0RD F4RQUAAD · 12-18-2018, 01:20 PM

(DOUBLE MEDIA WEEK)

It seems like a bad, cheap movie, though anyone who has followed his past understands that the latest is no exception to the rule. Rumors had long been swirling around that he was unhappy with management and current culture of the EA = NO SKILL GAP franchise. While most assumed a transition to another team was inevitable, nobody had predicted the reality: Backdoor Barnacle was to pursue a new opportunity in the SHL after a storied career in EASHL.

A fierce competitor, Barnacle has long been the captain for the EASHL franchise that at one point in time had secured 20 consecutive Division I titles. Averaging nearly 3.5 points and 2.5 goals per game as an imposing, punishing force with a nose for the net, it was fair to assume Barnacle would be in the red and gold forever.

Then 2018 happened.

First, longstanding linemate and elite playmaker That Guy announced his retirement in early May, a career that ended prematurely in the wake of Guy’s rapidly progressing boneitis. As prolific of a scorer as Barnacle had been throughout his career, he was fully aware that he needed someone to distribute the puck to him in open space. Barnacle dropped several hints throughout the summer about his desire for management to acquire a replacement for that role.

As the calendar turned to September and training camp commenced, there were no signs that a top six replacement would be on its way anytime soon. Barnacle, speaking to the media for the first time in months with emotion on sleeve, was quoted saying “man, I don’t know what these assclowns are trying to prove. I run the show here for years and those spineless cowards are willing to wither away into mediocrity. Homie needs some saucy pizzas tossed his way if we want any more Ws and bar down snizzies.”

Then, a couple weeks later in mid-September, gossip about Barnacle’s personal life reached a climax when ex-girlfriend and actress Pippi Longstocking confirmed the two were no longer together following an eight-year relationship. Rumors had been circulating for a while, but Pippi was presumably no longer willing to stay silent on the matter as a photo of her with Barnacle’s ex-teammate, Christoff Crustacean, circled the internet.

EA = NO SKILL GAP limped along as the season started. Though the team managed to stay above .500 with a 7-5-1 record through November, this was obviously not the success Barnacle nor the franchise were accustomed to. Barnacle had also seen his production decline. In those thirteen games, Barnacle had scored just three goals and recorded seven assists. While Barnacle did explode for a four goal performance on December 2nd, the team went 1-5 in the first two weeks of December. Barnacle’s discontent became more and more palpable.

Then December 17th came, and the Barnacle bomb was dropped. Barnacle was not requesting a trade; he was retiring from the EASHL altogether to join the SHL ladder.

In an unprecedented move, an EASHL superstar looks to take his talents to another fiercely competitive league with much to prove. The most famous virtual hockey player on the planet is putting is reputation on the line to play the much faster, wide-open style of game the SHL has to offer.

“Look, a lot of things haven’t gone right here in the past few months for me, personally and professionally,” said Barnacle in a brief press conference. “I have become used to sustained success. Standing still was not going to make that happen. I needed a fresh start.”

What are Barnacle’s expectations for the new venture? An undeniable exuberance in his voice shown through for seemingly the first time in a year.

“It’s a new league, a new challenge, obviously. Definitely going to need to get some seasoning in the SMJHL first. Not expecting to slot into the top line right away either. Maybe do what I can on special teams. Going to take some time to get used to the speed.

“But I’m a competitor. Wherever I go, whatever role it may be, we’re winning a Four Star Cup. You can count on that.”

Barnacle’s many successes in his past career are undeniable. Whether or not he can return to that form in a new league remains to be seen. Despite a turbulent 2018, one conclusion can be reached about the proven scorer, leader and champion.

Don’t count him out.