Login

honey · 09-28-2023, 01:45 PM

I am not an expert in hockey. I am, in fact, not an expert at anything other than fighting. That said, a team's brand says a lot about what you can expect when you land there - with the Scarecrows being the obvious landing spot for a Goon like myself, their terrifying mascot fitting for the amount of fear I will strike into my opponents once I learn how to skate. That said, I have already been drafted in the SMJHL. It's old news. I am moving on to bigger and better pastures, in a way that is sure to do nothing but solidify my position as a first rounder: ranking each upper division team on their branding. Buckle up, buttercups, because I have opinions and you are required to read them. I'm on my lunch break and can't go outside until my date tonight because it'll frizz up my hair, so without further ado, lets get on with it:

20 -

- Montreal Patriotes

I am not the biggest fan of Quebec, and my status as a Dolphins fan in the NFL means I am not much of a fan of the Patriots branding either. The Eastern conference in general is playing at a disadvantage due to the superiority of the West Coast overall, but the Patriots have failed to draw me in with any of their branding. If I wanted to be a mustachioed man smoking a pipe I'd have ranked them higher. As things stand, he looks as cold and calloused as I expect Montreal must be in the winter. Their saving grace is that their discord role color is better than the other red teams, but overall I haven't been drawn in.

As a side note, I didn't realize it was actually Patriotes until I was down to #10 on my list. I am now more confident in this ranking, and less confident in my reading comprehension.

19 - Platoon

- Baltimore Platoon

Baltimore is an alright place overall. I have no major beef with Maryland as a state, and I won't pretend like I know anything about the region. That said, Military branding really isn't my thing. What exactly are they a platoon of? Crushed dreams? Hard pass. The bird is staring at me with eyes of disappointment that remind of my parents. I get that the dark themed branding as a whole might blend well together, but I wouldn't wear that jersey.

18 - Monarchs

- Minnesota Monarchs

Minnesota is one of the top 5 states in the US. Which is why I was so let down with their branding. What affiliation does Minnesota have with a monarchy outside of alliteration? Monarchies suck, and I can't support it.

17 - Rage

- Manhattan Rage

I feel a great level of rage when work trips force me to be in Manhattan, which is why they were bumped up from the 19th spot I originally had them in. The last time I stayed at the Margaritaville Resort in times square, they watered down my drinks and my chicken came cold. The bull is cool I guess, but shouldn't that be Chicago? I don't like traffic, or a ton of people - sorry guys.

16 -

- Texas Renegades

I mostly just want something more original. A black colored Texas team with Outlaw branding, I get it.

15 -

- Hamilton Steelhawks

I have no idea where Hamilton is, I want to guess Ontario? Which means the rent is probably too damn high. The discord role color is kind of drab, and it took me looking through the list of teams a dozen times to even notice you guys on there. Absolutely the best bird branding of any team, and I think the logo looks good as a banner with your name, it just doesn't stand out enough to me.

14 - Aurora

- Winnipeg Aurora

I wanted to like this branding more than I did. For what it's worth, I think the name is awesome - which is one of the main reasons you've made it our of the bottom three. You easily have a top 5 discord role color, which also helped carry you a good bit. The more I write this, the less certain I am as to why my brain decided to put you on the lower end. I dunno, the logo just doesn't look as sick as some of the others on the SHL forum page but maybe I was wrong. I'm going to bump you up a bit from your original spot. Congrats!

13 - Stars

- Toronto North Stars

The North Star is in space, certainly not Toronto. Homes in Detroit sell for less than parking spaces in Downtown Toronto (I've checked.). I can't imagine what kind of megadeal contract I'd need to make it worth it. Their discord role color is fine, but the logo itself leaves something to be desired. Gives me space needle vibes. But again, the Space Needle isn't in Toronto either.

12 - Forge

- Philadelphia Forge

Philadelphia is my Girlfriend's favorite city, so I'm biased. Actually no - that's Pittsburgh. Oops. Well, either way, I'm going to keep you here. I love the color orange, and I think it's a really interesting team name overall. At the very least it's unique, and not something I expected to see. The P as a hammer/tool of some kind is neat, and your discord role color is solid if not slightly off what I was hoping for. A solid middle of the pack offering.

11 - Inferno

- Atlanta Inferno

I've never been to Atlanta, but the Migos have nothing but great things to say about the city and its women. While I'm not in love with the color of their branding in general, I'm pretty sure the mascot itself is a Phoenix which is EASILY a top 5 mythical bird. I'm going to be honest, I originally thought I had put these guys a bit further up the list, but I'm glad they fell here overall. Got me to reconsider things. That said, after this point things start to get substantially more competitive.

10 -

- Chicago Syndicate

I *really* love Chicago. It is one of my five favorite cities, and easily one of the places I visit the most. That said, I'd never want to live there. It's way too windy, and the people can be a bit cold. The architecture is beautiful, the food is incredible, and it has some great hotels on Michigan Ave. That said, I do not support the glamorization of Chicago gang violence - causing the Syndicate to slip in my rankings. Similar to the Renegades, it also seems a bit overdone. You're a mobster. Cool. The logo itself is pretty sick, and admittedly I originally had the branding in my top 3. The mustard discord role isn't great, but definitely not the worst of the bunch.

9 -

- New England Wolfpack

I don't like New England. Logo is sick. Name is great. Color is on point. But when things get competitive, I have to be opinionated by geographical region. Plus, like - how does a team represent an entire area of the country? It just doesn't make sense. There are three teams from New England in the league. Are you consistently beating all of them enough to say you're worthy of claiming the entire area?

8 -

- Los Angeles Panthers

This is where things start to get particularly difficult. They EASILY have a top three logo, I think it's masterfully done. The skyline inside of the Panther's head blends wonderfully with the colors, and Los Angeles as a whole is a great city. Admittedly I've only ever stayed in West Hollywood but...im sure the rest is fine, too. It really came down to me not particularly loving Panthers, and knowing that LA is a place where most teams cultures go to die.

7 -

- New Orleans Specters

New Orleans is a top 3 southern city. It has a unique, vibrant culture and knows how to party. That said, I wouldn't want to live anywhere down there if I could prevent it - I am worried not only about the geography of the area, but also some of the people and political ideals. I'm also not completely sold on the shade of purple used here, or the use of Specters vs. something pulled more from Nola culture. Admittedly, I might say it was overdone if they chose something too on the nose. I'm doing my best.

6 -

- Seattle Argonauts

The Pacific Northwest is the most livable part of the US, if you have millions of dollars to deal with the cost. That said, Washington and Seattle in particular aren't my favorite parts of it. Have you ever tried to drive in downtown Seattle? It's awful. I much prefer Portland. I also have a bad history with the couple of people I dated in my time there, and don't feel any need to return. Also - Argonaut might be trying just a bit too hard. The logo is fine. The discord role is average. idk. I'm opinionated.

5 -

- Buffalo Stampede

Stampede - get it? Because Buffalo is a place, and its also an animal...that stampedes...Their clever naming conventions aside, I love the more classic look of the logo and the shade of green they used. That said, I am not sold on Buffalo as a whole. My spouse's best friend is from there, so it can't be too awful - she has a horse. Its a nice horse. Top 5.

4 - Dragons

- Calgary Dragons

Who doesn't like Dragons? They're fucking sick. Sadly for Calgary, thats the main thing they had going for them. Calgary is the center of Canada's oil industry per a quick google search, which really does make sense with Dragons...but I don't love oil. I also don't love the idea of living in Calgary, I guess. I'm really not the biggest fan of the shade of red, either, but the logo is awesome. You're top four so be happy.

3 -

- Edmonton Blizzard

This has to be one of, if not the number one, least enticing team name out there. Why would I want to be stuck in a blizzard? Its awful. I have no idea where Edmonton is and I don't really feel the need to know. But the branding is adorable, just look at that lil guy Smile

2 -

- San Francisco Pride

I'm gay and the name made me laugh. Don't love San Fran but the colors are on point. Really its just the gay thing.

1 -

- Tampa Bay Barracuda

That pink. It haunts me in my dreams. The single greatest discord role color, one of the reasons I joined the SHL was to see where it came from. Tampa Bay sucks. Florida Sucks. I don't care. Their branding is the best kind of Miami Vice fever dream. Florida probably has plenty of bogs for Bog Damsel to feel at home, even in the sweltering heat. And Barracuda are sick. #1 ez.

There you have it, my objective review of teams brandings. For obvious reasons, please do not take this too seriously. If anything, try to learn from it.

PremierBromanov · 09-28-2023, 02:03 PM

chomp

***luke*** · 09-28-2023, 04:22 PM

Code:
New England is a northeastern region of the United States comprising the states of Maine, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut and Rhode Island

As far as I know thats only 1 team applicable for that area (new england)

is it a great logo though :poggies:

ACapitalChicago · 09-28-2023, 04:28 PM

Vice colors best colors

S66 Damian Littleton

||

||

|

***Frenchie*** · 09-28-2023, 04:38 PM

imagine thinking a fish is number one over a panther wow

@"jason kranz" sig elite / @sulovilen elite sig

spidey · 09-28-2023, 05:38 PM

09-28-2023, 04:38 PMFrenchie Wrote: imagine thinking a fish is number one over a panther wow

Excuse me, giant male appendage, not a fish

honey · 09-29-2023, 11:09 AM

09-28-2023, 04:38 PMFrenchie Wrote: imagine thinking a fish is number one over a panther wow

Ok, first off, a panther…swimming in the ocean? cats don’t even like water. If you placed it near a river, or some sort of fresh water source, that’d make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, a 20 ft wave, I’m assuming its off the coast of India, coming up against a full, grown, 110 lb barracuda with his 20 or 30 friends. You lose that battle. you lose that battle nine times out of ten.
And guess what, you wandered into our school, of Cuda and we now have a taste of blood! We’ve talked, to ourselves. We’ve communicated and said, ‘you know what? panther tastes good. Lets go get some more panther.’
We’ve developed a system, to establish a beachhead and aggressively hunt you and your family. And we will corner your, your pride, your children, your offspring…

We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. Its not going to be days at a time, an hour, hour 45. No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get more oxygen and then stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You are out gunned and outmanned.

Mutedfaith · 09-29-2023, 11:11 AM

09-28-2023, 01:45 PMhoney Wrote: 18 - - Minnesota Monarchs

Minnesota is one of the top 5 states in the US. Which is why I was so let down with their branding. What affiliation does Minnesota have with a monarchy outside of alliteration? Monarchies suck, and I can't support it.

No you.

***Wally*** · 09-29-2023, 11:27 AM

Well duh... Toronto's GM isn't a licensed real estate agent in Detroit or Toronto... Only in Wisconsin, which again... isn't Toronto.

Love the media!