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Thelastheraclid · 10-03-2023, 11:17 AM

It has been a good long while since I have posted anything in the media section, but with my bank account getting smaller and smaller each day, I figured I should do something to ease my regressing behind into my eventual virtual grave. I have dusted off my totally scientific and in no way pulled out of my ass formula for determining skater popularity. Sorry, goalies, but I do not have a formula for figuring out your popularity. In my opinion, you are all beautiful heroes who should have shrines built in your honor.

Alright, down to the meat of this cash grab…I mean article. This is the trusted and true formula:

3x even strength goal + 2x even strength assist + 3.5x PP goal + 2.5x PP assist + 4x SH goal + 3x SH assist + 0.75x shots + 1.5x fights + 2x fights won + 0.75x hits - 1.5x giveaways + takeaways + 0.25 blocks

This go around I am switching things up a bit by taking game winning goals into account along with time on ice. The updated formula is as follows:

((3x even strength goal + 2x even strength assist + 3.5x PP goal + 2.5x PP assist + 4x SH goal + 3x SH assist + 4.5x game winning goals + 0.75x shots + 1.5x fights + 2x fights won + 0.75x hits - 1.5x giveaways + takeaways + 0.25 blocks) / time on ice)*100

Hopefully this will help better account for players who contribute but do not get as much ice time as the big TPE earners.

I am sure there is a better way to set this up to better compare forwards and defenders, but I will be damned if I can figure it out. For now, I will just write about the most popular forward and defender for each team heading into the 73rd season of the illustrious Simulation Hockey League. We’ll round out the article with a top three for each position as well. Sorry to anyone who swapped teams leading into this season, but you can take solace in the fact that your old team’s fans are in absolute shambles now that you are gone.

Atlanta Inferno Inferno

Team Popularity: 430.85 (5.73%)
Most Popular Forward: Salzberger Lillehammersson
Popularity Score: 36.52

Most Popular Defender: Puddles O'Duck
Popularity Score: 32.28

Baltimore Platoon Platoon

Team Popularity: 388.63 (5.17%)
Most Popular Forward: Duncan Mackenzie
Popularity Score: 34.90

Most Popular Defender: Philip Fry
Popularity Score: 30.73

Buffalo Stampede

Team Popularity: 423.91 (5.64%)
Most Popular Forward: Konstantin Selich
Popularity Score: 42.97

Most Popular Defender: Zayne Dangle
Popularity Score: 29.27

Calgary Dragons Dragons

Team Popularity: 291.15 (3.87%)
Most Popular Forward: Lev Lebedev
Popularity Score: 24.43

Most Popular Defender: Chad Nickelback
Popularity Score: 23.55

Chicago Syndicate

Team Popularity: 427.47 (5.68%)
Most Popular Forward: Kev Kevens
Popularity Score: 38.17

Most Popular Defender: Adelie de Pengu
Popularity Score: 32.06

Edmonton Blizzard

Team Popularity: 455.52 (6.06%)
Most Popular Forward: Evan Winter
Popularity Score: 44.09

Most Popular Defender: Louise St. Martin
Popularity Score: 30.98

Hamilton Steelhawks

Team Popularity: 410.69 (5.46%)
Most Popular Forward: Aleksandr Iskandrov
Popularity Score: 36.72

Most Popular Defender: Tommi Koivu
Popularity Score: 33.44

Los Angeles Panthers

Team Popularity: 359.98 (4.79%)
Most Popular Forward: Yannick Svoboda
Popularity Score: 34.03

Most Popular Defender: Pass Forfeit
Popularity Score: 28.11

Manhattan Rage Rage

Team Popularity: 240.04 (3.19%)
Most Popular Forward: Tomas Lind
Popularity Score: 22.68

Most Popular Defender: Andy Ceylon
Popularity Score: 16.32

Minnesota Monarchs

Team Popularity: 304.58 (4.05%)
Most Popular Forward: Alexi Piastri
Popularity Score: 30.18

Most Popular Defender: Alexander Minaj
Popularity Score: 23.48

Montreal Patriotes

Team Popularity: 387.65 (5.15%)
Most Popular Forward: Sconnie McHits
Popularity Score: 37.99

Most Popular Defender: Jonathon Hagan
Popularity Score: 29.83

New England Wolfpack

Team Popularity: 487.29 (6.48%)
Most Popular Forward: Outdoor Truck
Popularity Score: 45.36

Most Popular Defender: Borje Samuelsson
Popularity Score: 37.73

New Orleans Specters

Team Popularity: 303 (4.03%)
Most Popular Forward: Patya Perevalov
Popularity Score: 26.75

Most Popular Defender: Xavier Doom
Popularity Score: 22.21

Philadelphia Forge Forge

Team Popularity: 472.31 (6.28%)
Most Popular Forward: Red Kirkby
Popularity Score: 42.12

Most Popular Defender: San-sam Emerson
Popularity Score: 37.66

San Francisco Pride pride

Team Popularity: 369.29 (4.91%)
Most Popular Forward: KyIe Murray
Popularity Score: 36.83

Most Popular Defender: Slavakov Vladimirashenko
Popularity Score: 29.31

Seattle Argonauts

Team Popularity: 293.50 (3.9%)
Most Popular Forward: William Salming
Popularity Score: 27.79

Most Popular Defender: Wendolene Ramsbottom
Popularity Score: 24.58

Tampa Bay Barracuda

Team Popularity: 333.44 (4.43%)
Most Popular Forward: Bruno Tooyo
Popularity Score: 33.43

Most Popular Defender: Axel Foley
Popularity Score: 23.08

Texas Renegades

Team Popularity: 380.28 (5.06%)
Most Popular Forward: Pawter Meowski
Popularity Score: 32.71

Most Popular Defender: Angry Gilmore
Popularity Score: 27.90

Toronto North Stars Stars

Team Popularity: 294.16 (3.91%)
Most Popular Forward: Jimmy Larkin-Conway
Popularity Score: 30.74

Most Popular Defender: Ben Der
Popularity Score: 21.10

Winnipeg Aurora Aurora

Team Popularity: 467.77 (6.22%)
Most Popular Forward: Lias Ekholm-Gunnarsson
Popularity Score: 41.24

Most Popular Defender: Jay O'Neil
Popularity Score: 34.70

If we were going to ice a standard SHL team made up of the three most popular players at each position it would look something like this:

Line 1: LW Petr Svoboda C Evan Winter RW Outdoor Truck
LD Borje Samuelsson RD Adelie de Pengu

Line 2: LW Paul Koivu C Ivan Lacksamus RW Benjamin Surkhi-Ze'ev
LD San-sam Emerson RD Angus McFife XVIII

Line 3: LW Luke Laraque C Konstantin Selich RW Ty Murphy
LD Seamus O'Slapahan RD Luca Hunziker

As a final bit of fun, I tried to figure out the number of jersey sales for each player. To calculate this I took a whole bunch of liberties with the information I could find. According to the failing New York Times, Fanatics sells around 150 million dollars worth of NHL merchandise every year. For my purposes, I took that 150 million and split it evenly between the twenty SHL times. From there I am saying that every piece of merchandise that is being sold is a SHL jersey with a player name and number on the back. A quick glance at the NHL store led me to make a hastily tabulated average price of 200 dollars a jersey. This means that for this highly accurate mental exercise each team sells about 37,500 jerseys. Damn, SHL fans have deep pockets. From there I looked at the popularity scores for each player and based the number of jerseys for said player off of their percentage of total team popularity. I am sure there is a better way to do this too but I am tired and want to cash out.

Spreadsheet

(1153 word and data work)