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RainDelay · 02-13-2025, 10:39 PM

Hey all, I haven’t written media in a while, so I thought I’d have some fun and rank the mascots on their toughness in a hypothetical royal rumble!

1. Tidal

I have to start here with the literal ocean. There are few forces if any that exist on this planet that are stronger than the ocean. Since the SMJHL teams don’t have any god mascots or otherworldly forces, the number one spot has to go with water. The tides and waves would wash away and overpower anything else on this list if given a chance. The only mythical creature on the list lives within the ocean, so it can’t beat it either. The ocean is a force to be reckoned with, and that remains true for these mascots.

2. Kraken

The Kraken are next because of the sheer force that these mythical creatures supposedly possess. Of course, they can’t do anything to the ocean, but a kraken would handle anything else on this list. Humans? Animals? Dinosaurs? Trees? No match. Machinery and defenses are the only ones worth entertaining, but even so I have to give it to the Kraken here. There is a very specific reason why the two spot and the three spot are ordered the way they are.

3. Armada

And here’s the reason. An armada of ships is absolutely a powerful force that’s tough to beat. In fact, they’re only bested on this list by two things that directly correlate with the actual name. Ships get flipped and destroyed in storms and by tidal waves, and the kraken, in mythology, is known for sinking ships. The armada may be capable of dealing with anything, but because of those two specific teams, they take the bronze medal in this fight!

4. Citadelles

Citadelle in French translates to a citadel in English. What is a Citadel? (A really awful SOCON basketball team). But besides that, it’s a wall. A huge, solidified fortress wall. Why were these walls built? To keep intruders out and block anything. Anything at all. There’s no way I can justify anything below being higher on this list than the defense wall, and there’s even cases to be made for QCC to go up a spot or two. Could a city wall keep a kraken out? I’m not sure. Don’t like this ranking? Argue with a wall. (Just not this one!)

5. Timber

It’s going down, I’m yelling timber! Not very far down, though, as our resident trees crack the top five. No bias here even though I just got signed by them, I think we’re pretty impressive nonetheless. I wish I could say there was some creative reason they’re this high, but it comes down to the sheer fact that if any of these massive trees the logo is modeled after fell on any of the below teams, it would be over for them. Just like it is when other teams have to face Maine on the ice! Smile

6.

It only took six spots for our first human to show up. And it’ll be a couple more before another does, so let's make this count. This might be too high, but knights are valiant and both historically and mythologically, they had to slay beats and lead in combat. I wouldn’t pick a fight with a knight, and if there was something terrorizing my town, I’d like a group of knights to show up and save the day. There are some fierce animals on this list among other things, but I genuinely think a knight can take them all.

7.

Grizzlies can be scary. Ja Morant, Desmond Bane, Jaren Jac-... wrong grizzlies nevermind. Back to the animal! If it’s brown, lay down. That’s how you’re supposed to avoid a grizzly bear. Sounds weird, but I’d try it because I know they’ll take me down if I do anything else. One of the fiercest predators in the animal kingdom is a good representative of the animals on this list. Grizzlies could probably overpower a knight, depending on how many of each there are in the situation. Overall, I give the edge to knights but I’d take a grizzly bear over more than half of the mascots.

8.

Berserkers are warriors from old Norse tribes who fought in what is described as a trance like state. According to legend they would take the powers of the animal they chose and could channel that energy when fighting. They were known for their rage, so they could take on a lot of things. Without armor, though, I don’t know if they could take on a proper knight or even the pure rage of a bear. This whole mid section is pretty murky when it comes to the rankings. With eight spots done we are officially halfway through the list. Where will your team fall? Keep reading!

9. Raptors

If you’ve never seen Jurassic Park, just ask Wayne Knight how he feels about velociraptors. While extinct now, obviously, we are considering for this list that they’re still alive. Otherwise they’d be tied for last as a fossil. (More on why they’d be tied later). But assuming they’re in peak form, the velociraptor can take on many of these other mascots. With eight spots done we are officially halfway through the list. Where will your team fall? Keep reading!

10. Whalers

Whalers have to catch whales, so they would certainly be prepared for large animals that may come their way. Maybe not bears but they’re still ready for most. Having harpoons at the ready keep whalers up from the bottom, because otherwise they are just regular people. With no animal strength or divine intervention, they wouldn’t have much defense, being redeemed by their most commonly wielded weapons. Spears and harpoons if aimed properly are no joke!

11.

This one was the hardest to visualize. A battleborn is not a thing so it can’t be ranked so I had to go with its mascot, which appears to be a bighorn sheep. Bighorn sheep can be tough, unlike their fluffy white counterparts, so it’s important not to write this animal off. It’s really a testament to the toughness of the league mascots that they find themselves in the 11 spot. Unarmed , a sheep could take a whaler without their harpoon, but those weapons would likely work on land animals as well so they have to go below.

12.

When I think of Highlanders, I think of lumberjacks. Those burly woodsy guys who are all about the outdoors. They may be tough, but without anything special equipped, they might struggles against hordes of these animals and the other humans in the list outclass them with weaponry. I suppose highlanders could bring their axe, so maybe they’d stand a chance after all.

13.

Malamutes are husky-like dogs. Picture a husky. Nobody is out there fighting a husky. However for the purpose of this article, while they are strong physical dogs, they wouldn’t stand a chance against the top 12.

14. Falcons