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Memento Mori · 01-30-2021, 08:44 PM

Code:
Forum says 2416 words, first article so x2 please. It's draft media so maybe apply x2 twice and give me x4? Would be nice.

I don’t know much about the SMJHL or hockey, so to get monies to afford training I stuck the 42 prospects who’d created for the S58 SMJHL draft as of a few days ago into a randomiser and made some bad jokes. Hope you enjoy. @Nhamlet told you I’d write media and @Blasoon I love you. I promise I didn't mean most of it.

Round 1, Pick 1: Newfoundland Berserkers select Joshua Horsemenzada, LW (username: Joshua_Horsemenzada)

There’s audible surprise and confusion as the commissioner walks out onto the stage and spins a giant wheel that was probably once used on a 90s gameshow. The wheel stops on left winger Joshua Horsemenzada, who despite some early forum activity has yet to earn any TPE. Horsemenzada appears to be familiar with some of the league’s users, as indicated by the replies to his player creation page, and maybe Newfoundland hopes that these connections will encourage him to earn and make this pick a success.

Hot, saucy pre-publication edit: Joshua_Horsemenzada has now earned TPE, and posted several more times on the forum following his posting of a very juicy thread. Slam-dunk pick. Unfortunately, the ‘P’ stands for ‘Point’ rather than ‘Points’ because he’s only earned one.

Second hot, saucy pre-publication edit: The aforementioned thread has gone a little wild. Honestly, I didn’t pay much attention to it when writing the first edit. Josh is taking shots and being accused of multi-ing, which is probably not what you want out of your first overall pick. I’m sure he’ll consider first overall as nothing less than he deserves, though.

Round 1, Pick 2: Carolina Kraken select Sabarro Torretta, RD (username: santej29)

Sabarro Torretta is selected with the second overall pick as the crowd still seems quite puzzled by the fact that each draft pick appears to be being determined by spinning a wheel. Santej29 made three posts before disappearing for 9 days or so, but now he’s back. And he wants blood TPE.

Santej has made a clear concerted effort to boost his draft stock, publicly courting the Anaheim Outlaws and Maine Timber. He’s encouraged both teams to draft him but neither team trades up to this spot to steal him away from Carolina because they can’t pick who they want anyway. Carolina adds a user who’s been very active in the last few days and who they hope will develop into a stellar SMJHL defender.

Round 1, Pick 3: Colorado Raptors select Shaq O’Neal, RW (username: aidenmiz)

No, it’s not that Shaq O’Neal. The crowd goes mild as a prospect many haven’t heard of is selected with the third overall pick. aidenmiz has taken a somewhat unusual approach by investing heavily in defensive stats, with everything except faceoffs increased to 10. He’s on-brand with some investment into faceoffs too though, which you might expect with his namesake being proficient at gaining possession in a similar setting. He’s done three activity checks and earned a total of 13 TPE so while he’s not the worst prospect available he’s not the best either. Colorado have something to build off here.

Round 1, Pick 4: Anaheim Outlaws select Erik Andrews, RW (username: frijolhead)

Hey, look! It’s a user I recognise so I can talk about more than just what they’ve done on the forums in the few weeks since creating. frijolhead has a player in the most recent ISFL draft class, and I scouted him ahead of the draft there a few weeks ago. I understand from looking at his SHL profile that he’s twice previously attempted to make a player in SHL only to struggle to find the time before retiring. He does have $10m in the bank though, which is a big help provided this player doesn’t join Canto von Crinklewitz and Alex Shamwowsson in the scrap heap. Anaheim hope it’s third time lucky for frijolhead.

Round 1, Pick 5: Kelowna Knights select Colm McCaffrey, RW (username: SGM)

Sorry Kelowna (still not sure it’s a real place), the big wheel was not kind here. Kelowna picks Colm McCaffrey of Gaslough, Ireland – a prospect I’ve included the birthplace of purely because there’s so little to say. SGM hasn’t been seen on the site since the day after he created, almost two weeks ago now. The clues were there quickly, with SGM replying to his player creation post stating “This doesn’t look like the setup of any hockey sims I used to mess around with a few years back”. Maybe SGM is a boomer and it turns out forums and FHM are new and scary. The Knights will be doorknocking care homes trying to track SGM down in the hopes of salvaging their first round pick.

Round 1, Pick 6: St. Louis Scarecrows select Mike St. John, C (username: bast1399)

Another one. I should’ve saved some of the last analysis for this pick. bast1399 has exactly one post on the site, and St. Louis will be waiting outside the commissioner’s office asking for a refund after this pick. His player creation page states he was recruited by “Bing”, which is evidence of some serious character issues. If he ever shows up in the Scarecrows locker room this user could cause some trouble.

Round 1, Pick 7: Colorado Raptors select Marco Barengrub, C (username: gaby)

The second recreate in this draft is taken at pick 7, and if you thought frijolhead’s $10m in the bank would be helpful wait until you see how much cash is burning a hole in gaby’s pocket (spoiler: it’s $103.5m. The .5m is important, at least to poor people like myself). Looking at his profile I can see that gaby’s previous player was drafted all the way back in S39 and peaked at over 1200 TPE. I know nothing about him as a user but if he’s as active as he was in 2017-8 when he initially created then Colorado will be very, very happy with this pick.

Round 1, Pick 8: Detroit Falcons select Austin Brooker, LW (username: Mayhemdad68)

I was going to make a joke about dad finally coming back from the store, but Mayhemdad68 hasn’t posted since creating his player. Dad’s left again, and all he left behind is a 155 TPE winger for whom faceoffs is his joint-second-highest stat. Detroit tilts its head back and curses the RNG gods in the sky who created the unnecessarily big wheel being used when you can find a perfectly good list randomiser on random.org. There is no reply because the RNG gods aren’t real, morons.

Round 1, Pick 9: Vancouver Whalers select Alexis Saint-Michel, RW (username: KenitohMenara)

Another ISFL user giving me a chance to say more meaningful things in response to the pick. Vancouver bags itself a user who’s retired two players since first creating back in S48, but importantly reached the SMJHL cap on both occasions. Kenitoh has also had an ISFL player during this time, who was drafted in the first round and spent time on a couple teams before retiring. He’s active at the moment and has been very active before, the same concern just remains about whether or not he’ll retire early again. Vancouver makes a pick that has a high floor but there’s always risks when you pick a player who’s retired after 6, 5 and 3 seasons across two leagues.

Round 1, Pick 10: Quebec City Citadelles select Jay Sink, RD (username: Memento Mori)

Quebec’s GMs are seen cursing their luck as somehow instead of a player the RNG draft awards them a forum hosting service from 2006. Wait, no, this is an actual player. There’s some murmuring among the Citadelles’ attendees as they reach the conclusion that maybe this isn’t so bad after all, at least you can send a skinny white dude out onto the ice and tell him to try and get in the way of the puck.

I think I may have stumbled onto secretly the perfect SMJHL build because it turns out if your shooting stats are 5 you don’t shoot and you seemingly just pass to the people who actually can. At least I hope that’s what’s been happening given Jay Sink doesn’t shoot. This pick will lead Quebec to a championship, especially now that I’m 1200 words into a media article and will actually have money.

Round 1, Pick 11: Colorado Raptors select Sekai Wollker, LD (username: Gaia Mormont)

I don’t know this person but their name is a fancy colour on the forums and they have a bunch of trophies. I assume they’re a pretty big deal around these parts. They created their first player all the back in Season 13, which for the 90+% of us who weren’t around for that or don’t remember it was in 2013. Mormont also once wrote a media piece comparing the various SMJHL teams to Game of Thrones houses, and that’s an idea of the type I should’ve stolen considering that my solution to not knowing anything about the league or its teams was to throw everything into a randomiser so I wouldn’t have to. Wollker is going high in SMJHL mock drafts and I imagine Colorado will be pretty thrilled to grab him at 11. How on earth do they have three first round picks, anyway?

Round 1, Pick 12: Anchorage Armada select Robert E. O. Speedwagon, LW (username: GoonerBear)

The sim league incest continues as Colorado pick the third player in four picks who has or has recently had an ISFL player. Looking at his post history it appears he was previously part of SMJHL head office, so maybe this is his main league. His first (and only previous) player had a long, long career having being drafted into the SHL back in Season 41 – suggesting a considerable amount of consistency – and it’s hard to imagine Robert E. O. Speedwagon flaming out after a season or two.

I don’t know enough about SHL league history to know if Anchorage has ever had trouble with SMJHL HO or with Gooner specifically, but as far as I can see this looks like a pretty good pick.

Round 2, Pick 1: Newfoundland Berserkers select Dane von Gucci, LD (username: Gucci)

We’re up to four of the last five now, and would’ve been the second ISFL GM in the last four picks if Gucci hadn’t recently stepped down as the GM of the Honolulu Hahalua. Gucci is technically a recreate, but his first player hung up his boots cleats skates before Gucci even made an update thread. Gucci recreated at the most recent trade deadline and has been active ever since, creating and responding to media in addition to completing most of the TPE opportunities available. His previous SHL player appears to be the only blot on his sim league record from an earning perspective and he’s GM’d twice in the other league we’re both in – maybe he has additional experience in other leagues I don’t know about too. Either way, seems like a pretty safe pick to start the second round.

Round 2, Pick 2: St. Louis Scarecrows select AJ Tirrell, RD (username: FnoRespect)

The streak of players I’m familiar with or have some other reason to be confident in ends with St. Louis selecting (well, not out of choice) defenseman AJ Tirrell. FnoRespect created his player three weeks ago now, and then skedaddled. Until an hour before I wrote this paragraph. He’s just posted in Activity Check #352, and is currently considered Online (Unknown Location) by the forum. I’m not sure what to make of that.

Regardless of where he is, he’s back. At least for now. St. Louis will be hoping they can capture whatever brought him back and keep him here after picking an even less active prospect in Round 1.

Round 2, Pick 3: Newfoundland Berserkers select Daud Ramza, C (username: Blasoon)

My fellow Orange County Otters GM and draft nemesis has to wait until five picks after me to hear his name called(?) by the big wheel, and cruelly it’s my now-former DFA team that chooses to select him selects him. Let’s compare some of their stats to see just how big a mistake Newfoundland made by waiting and (inadvertantly) selecting Blasoon instead of me. Any stats not mentioned are probably unimportant.

Jay Sink finished the S57 SMJHL regular season with an impressive -2 plus/minus, compared to Daud Ramza’s disappointing -3. Advantage J.Sink. Jay Sink, despite apparently being a poor shooter if you look at his attributes, managed a 28.57% shooting percentage. Not bad. Daud Ramza is clearly a selfish player who shoots from poor positions, taking many more shots and managing just 10%. Yikes.

Jay Sink is unafraid to do the dirty work and get involved in the physical side of the game, amassing 22 hits in S57. Ramza is a scrawny coward afraid of confrontation, managing just half this number (11). Jay Sink is a tidy passer of the ball who makes sure his team maintains possession of the puck, giving it away just seven times. Ramza is careless, inaccurate or both and gave it away eleven times.

Sink leads the pair in takeaways too, with 7 compared to Ramza’s 6. This means that Jay Sink takes the puck away from the opposition as often as he gives it away and Ramza doesn’t, which seems pretty bad to me. While Ramza blocked just eight shots, Sink blocked 18. Jay Sink puts his body on the line to help the team while Ramza pulls out his phone and plays RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS. START NOW FOR FREE when his team isn’t in possession. Sad! What a terrible pick by Newfoundland.

For those who are interested or don't believe Newfoundland would make a mistake like that, here’s how the rest of the draft played out:

[Image: Screenshot_2021-01-20_194032.png]

[Image: Screenshot_2021-01-20_194032.png]

ACapitalChicago · 01-30-2021, 08:52 PM

While a great article, unfortunately the x2 First Media bonus and the x2 Draft Media bonus can't stack

S66 Damian Littleton

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Memento Mori · 01-30-2021, 08:53 PM

01-30-2021, 08:52 PMACapitalChicago Wrote: While a great article, unfortunately the x2 First Media bonus and the x2 Draft Media bonus can't stack

Someone link me the retirement forum

ACapitalChicago · 01-30-2021, 08:55 PM

01-30-2021, 08:53 PMMemento Mori Wrote:
01-30-2021, 08:52 PMACapitalChicago Wrote: While a great article, unfortunately the x2 First Media bonus and the x2 Draft Media bonus can't stack
Someone link me the retirement forum

Unfortunate, but understandable. It's over in this section.

S66 Damian Littleton

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Memento Mori · 01-30-2021, 09:08 PM

01-30-2021, 08:55 PMACapitalChicago Wrote:
01-30-2021, 08:53 PMMemento Mori Wrote: Someone link me the retirement forum

Unfortunate, but understandable. It's over in this section.

I actually clicked it. I'm so sad.

santej29 · 01-30-2021, 11:36 PM

Sweet! doesn't matter how or why I got nabbed at 2nd overall, I'll take it... now for the real draft.

LB3737 · 01-31-2021, 08:46 AM

I cant believe I fell for a rickroll in 2021

KenitohMenara · 01-31-2021, 10:52 AM

I do understand why people are concerned about my activity since this is my third go around in the league. As I said in my retirement threads, I was going through a rough stretch in my personal life and needed time to set. Thankfully I am in a much better position now and I can properly dedicate time to the league without losing out on real world responsibility

I will not quit early again this time.

Blasoon · 01-31-2021, 08:41 PM

Fuckin got rickrolled too.

Zomp · 01-31-2021, 09:21 PM

01-30-2021, 08:55 PMACapitalChicago Wrote:
01-30-2021, 08:53 PMMemento Mori Wrote: Someone link me the retirement forum

Unfortunate, but understandable. It's over in this section.

>:(

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