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Fact-Checked: Troy Reynolds Confirmed NOT Related to Detroit GM
#1

For the love of all that is holy, you Detroit fuckheads ruin my morning, and now make me have to respond to some bullshit. It has been 6 hours since my day started and all 6 hours have been infested with the rotting infection known as the Detroit Falcons. I have a Greek telling me that women aren’t mentally draining as I sit here in Manitowoc because my lady kicked me out of the house and spoiler alert: still hasn’t responded to my texts. She’s gonna read the news today, and I’m sure the Halifax Gazette and their bullshit journalism will jump right on a fake story like the one I read. And then Sophia will burn my house down because of it.

So this bullshit lady masquerading as a journalist named Gina or Tina or some shit makes up this obviously fake story. She says that somewhere around 18 or so years ago, Tiggie Smalls got down with some chick named Stacy in Halifax. And then 9 months later, apparently I was born. Which is news to me for multiple reasons.

First of all, my mom is named Miranda. So, I’m not sure when this Stacy lady came into the picture, but from what I’ve heard, her mom has got it going on. Secondly, I was born in Manitowoc, Wisconsin. My mother has never stepped foot in Halifax because you kind of need a passport for that and with her criminal record, she sure as hell isn’t getting one of those any time soon. Simple fact checking goes a long way in a story and it appears that the clickbaity media just couldn’t help themselves as usual.

The real funny part to me is that Tiggie seems to believe that he actually is my dad. I mean, it does sound plausible and it would explain why my dad never finds any happiness in my accomplishments. The issue here is that you believe a story that just isn’t true. The story I would go with if I were you is that I was adopted somewhere along the way but that also isn’t true because my dad has photos of the moment I majestically shot out of my mom’s cooter.

I’m not surprised that the Detroit dimwits believe a story like this. They’ve shown time and time again that they aren’t the brightest bunch. I also know that they won’t believe me because they have no skills in critical thinking when given two sides of a story. So I brought in this man I saw on the TV the other day named Maury to help us come to a conclusion.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Maury Povich show. Today, we have two bitter rivals turned relatives. The alleged father Tiggie Smalls claims to have impregnated a woman named Stacy in Halifax many years ago, cumulating in the birth of this man to my right, Troy Reynolds. Troy claims that this can’t be the case, because “fuck Detroit and my mom is named Miranda you absolute minge”. Troy’s history with Detroit goes back a few weeks when he wrote a letter to the team, causing a large stir in the hockey community.

Troy what evidence do you have provided for why Tiggie can’t be your father?

Well, I have my birth certificate that clearly states I was born in Manitowoc, Wisconsin. I also have the picture of me flying out of my mom’s baby cannon but I don’t think we can show that one.

Well, Troy. The issue here is that these documents can be doctored. To confirm whether or not you two are related, we had you both take some blood tests.

Wait! I have a guest that I would like for Troy to meet.

That’s a twist that absolutely no one could see coming. Tiggie, who is this guest?

It is I, Stacy, Troy’s mother.

I’m not drunk enough for this shit, Maury.

I’m just drunk enough for it so I’ll let it stand. Troy, look at this beautiful woman. Doesn’t she look enough like you to be your mother?

She’s a ginger. My hair is black. If you wanna say I’m related to both a ginger and a Falcon, I will shoot you.

Troy, just accept that we are your family. Skree with your new brothers, Troy.

God is dead. Just get on with the results, Maury.

Okay okay, I don’t want things to get physical between you all. I certainly wouldn’t want one of you to pick up one of your chairs and threaten to throw it at the other. No sir ee.

Tiggie if you pick up a chair I will throttle you.

My car has a throttle

Good job Stacy, proud of you for realizing that.

The results are in. Tiggie Smalls...you are...NOT the father.

I WANT A RECOUNT!

Maybe God isn’t dead after all.

If Maury Povich didn’t convince that I’m not related to those fucking ratbirds, I don’t know what could do it. Some of you are just destined to always look for stupid fake news that no one in their right mind would believe. It’s fuckers like you who are responsible for Rutherford B. Hayes being elected president. I will never “skree” with you Falcon fucks and I will never associate with your kind. If an SHL GM is reading this, do not draft me with one of these Falcon bastards. I’d take being drafted with Nik Evans over these crazy bastards.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to my current wreck of a life living at my REAL parents’ house. They’ve been trying to patch things up while I’ve been kicking ass and taking names and quite frankly this whole ordeal has stressed them out. Well. Dad doesn’t give a shit, he’s just mad that it’s not true. I’m gonna go back to listening to Wish You Were Here and send sobbing voicemails to Sophia. Answer me you little Ukrainian shithead.

Troy Reynolds
Raiders Right Winger
Fuck you Detroit
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#2

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#3

Noticing a distinct lack of Halifax all of a sudden

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#4

02-06-2019, 05:46 PMTheWoZy Wrote: Noticing a distinct lack of Halifax all of a sudden

I'd talk more about Halifax but it just reminds me that the season is over and that I got kicked out of my house there
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#5

skree



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#6

Cry

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#7

That's not what Sasha Zubovova told me before she allegedly disappeared.

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#8

02-06-2019, 06:34 PMKalakar Wrote: That's not what Sasha Zubovova told me before she allegedly disappeared.

Matt, she didn't allegedly disappear. She did disappear. And then we all found out that Nikolai Evans murdered her.
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#9

ruined. both Stacy's 5 second of fame and and Tiggie Smalls dream of a star son!



RETIRED

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#10

you can be my dad?

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#11

02-06-2019, 07:06 PMTnlAstatine Wrote: you can be my dad?

@notorioustig you can have this one. He's better at the regular season scoring.

Unless you wanna be mine, in which case I must say I'd be a worse father than Chris Benoit.
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#12

Benis small is my dud



RETIRED

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#13

Easy Troy 2

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Colorado Raptors Capitan S42-Until Forever!
Czechia Wants you! Ask about a transfer!!




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#14

02-06-2019, 07:16 PMsharksisback Wrote:
02-06-2019, 07:06 PMTnlAstatine Wrote: you can be my dad?

@notorioustig you can have this one. He's better at the regular season scoring.

Unless you wanna be mine, in which case I must say I'd be a worse father than Chris Benoit.

i just want a dad :(

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#15

02-06-2019, 09:54 PMTnlAstatine Wrote:
02-06-2019, 07:16 PMsharksisback Wrote: @notorioustig you can have this one. He's better at the regular season scoring.

Unless you wanna be mine, in which case I must say I'd be a worse father than Chris Benoit.

i just want a dad :(

Lucky for you an opening just came up

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