For the love of all that is holy, you Detroit fuckheads ruin my morning, and now make me have to respond to some bullshit. It has been 6 hours since my day started and all 6 hours have been infested with the rotting infection known as the Detroit Falcons. I have a Greek telling me that women aren’t mentally draining as I sit here in Manitowoc because my lady kicked me out of the house and spoiler alert: still hasn’t responded to my texts. She’s gonna read the news today, and I’m sure the Halifax Gazette and their bullshit journalism will jump right on a fake story like the one I read. And then Sophia will burn my house down because of it.

So this bullshit lady masquerading as a journalist named Gina or Tina or some shit makes up this obviously fake story. She says that somewhere around 18 or so years ago, Tiggie Smalls got down with some chick named Stacy in Halifax. And then 9 months later, apparently I was born. Which is news to me for multiple reasons.

First of all, my mom is named Miranda. So, I’m not sure when this Stacy lady came into the picture, but from what I’ve heard, her mom has got it going on. Secondly, I was born in Manitowoc, Wisconsin. My mother has never stepped foot in Halifax because you kind of need a passport for that and with her criminal record, she sure as hell isn’t getting one of those any time soon. Simple fact checking goes a long way in a story and it appears that the clickbaity media just couldn’t help themselves as usual.

The real funny part to me is that Tiggie seems to believe that he actually is my dad. I mean, it does sound plausible and it would explain why my dad never finds any happiness in my accomplishments. The issue here is that you believe a story that just isn’t true. The story I would go with if I were you is that I was adopted somewhere along the way but that also isn’t true because my dad has photos of the moment I majestically shot out of my mom’s cooter.

I’m not surprised that the Detroit dimwits believe a story like this. They’ve shown time and time again that they aren’t the brightest bunch. I also know that they won’t believe me because they have no skills in critical thinking when given two sides of a story. So I brought in this man I saw on the TV the other day named Maury to help us come to a conclusion.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen welcome to the Maury Povich show. Today, we have two bitter rivals turned relatives. The alleged father Tiggie Smalls claims to have impregnated a woman named Stacy in Halifax many years ago, cumulating in the birth of this man to my right, Troy Reynolds. Troy claims that this can’t be the case, because “fuck Detroit and my mom is named Miranda you absolute minge”. Troy’s history with Detroit goes back a few weeks when he wrote a letter to the team, causing a large stir in the hockey community.

Troy what evidence do you have provided for why Tiggie can’t be your father?

Well, I have my birth certificate that clearly states I was born in Manitowoc, Wisconsin. I also have the picture of me flying out of my mom’s baby cannon but I don’t think we can show that one.

Well, Troy. The issue here is that these documents can be doctored. To confirm whether or not you two are related, we had you both take some blood tests.

Wait! I have a guest that I would like for Troy to meet.

That’s a twist that absolutely no one could see coming. Tiggie, who is this guest?

It is I, Stacy, Troy’s mother.

I’m not drunk enough for this shit, Maury.

I’m just drunk enough for it so I’ll let it stand. Troy, look at this beautiful woman. Doesn’t she look enough like you to be your mother?

She’s a ginger. My hair is black. If you wanna say I’m related to both a ginger and a Falcon, I will shoot you.

Troy, just accept that we are your family. Skree with your new brothers, Troy.

God is dead. Just get on with the results, Maury.

Okay okay, I don’t want things to get physical between you all. I certainly wouldn’t want one of you to pick up one of your chairs and threaten to throw it at the other. No sir ee.

Tiggie if you pick up a chair I will throttle you.

My car has a throttle

Good job Stacy, proud of you for realizing that.

The results are in. Tiggie Smalls...you are...NOT the father.

I WANT A RECOUNT!

Maybe God isn’t dead after all.

If Maury Povich didn’t convince that I’m not related to those fucking ratbirds, I don’t know what could do it. Some of you are just destined to always look for stupid fake news that no one in their right mind would believe. It’s fuckers like you who are responsible for Rutherford B. Hayes being elected president. I will never “skree” with you Falcon fucks and I will never associate with your kind. If an SHL GM is reading this, do not draft me with one of these Falcon bastards. I’d take being drafted with Nik Evans over these crazy bastards.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to my current wreck of a life living at my REAL parents’ house. They’ve been trying to patch things up while I’ve been kicking ass and taking names and quite frankly this whole ordeal has stressed them out. Well. Dad doesn’t give a shit, he’s just mad that it’s not true. I’m gonna go back to listening to Wish You Were Here and send sobbing voicemails to Sophia. Answer me you little Ukrainian shithead.

Troy Reynolds
Raiders Right Winger
Fuck you Detroit

Noticing a distinct lack of Halifax all of a sudden

Capy Bara || D || Vancouver Whalers
Name: Capy Bara
Age: 17
Birthplace: Japan, Sendai
Height: 6ft 11
Weight: 200 lbs
Number: 1
------------------------------------------------------------
Career Statistics:
SMJHL Regular Season:
S64 | 0 GP | 0 G | 0 A | 0 P | 0+ | 0 H | 0 SHT | 0 SB
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Playoffs:
S64 | 0 GP | 0 G | 0 A | 0 P | -0 | 0 H | 0 SHT | 0 SB
------------------------------------------------------------
Transactions:
Drafted 30th Overall by the Vancouver Whalers

Noticing a distinct lack of Halifax all of a sudden

I'd talk more about Halifax but it just reminds me that the season is over and that I got kicked out of my house there

skree

VILLE VIRTA || Center || Detroit Falcons
Age: 17
Birthplace: Nokia, Finland
Height: 6'2"
Weight: 215lbs

Number: 85
------------------------------------------------------------
Career Statistics:
SMJHL Regular Season
S50

 

That's not what Sasha Zubovova told me before she allegedly disappeared.

DEMIR BELLONA | RD | OTTAWA HIGHLANDERS | MONTREAL PATRIOTES PROSPECT
Name: Demir Bellona
Height: 5' 11''
Weight: 185 lbs
Number: 21

MATT KHOLIN | C | BUFFALO STAMPEDE | RETIRED 
Name: Matt Kholin
Height: 6' 1''
Weight: 205 lbs
Number: 15
Peak TPE: 2069
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Achievements
Round 4 #35 overall S45 SMJHL by Halifax Raiders
Round 1 #14 overall S46 SMHL by Tampa Bay Barracuda
S45 WJC Team Canada Silver Medal Winner
S45 Nominated for the Esa Anrikkanen Award (Rookie of the Year)
S46 WJC Team Canada Bronze Medal Winner
S47 WJC Team Canada Gold Medal Winner
S47 Jared Hanson Award Winner (Most Points)
S47 Roberto Martucci Award Winner (Most Goals)
S47 Ideen Fallah Award Winner (Regular Season MVP)
S47 Brandon Holmes Award Winner (Top Defensive Forward)
S47 Ron Bolt Award Winner (Most Sportsmanlike Player)
S48 All Rookie Team
S50 IIHF Team Canada Bronze Medal Winner
S53 Damian Littleton Award Nominated (Most Dedicated)
S53 Elias Armia Award Winner
(The Commissioner's Award of Excellence)
S54 Traded at the Trade Deadline to Buffalo Stampede
S54 Damian Littleton Award Winner (Most Dedicated)
S54 Jeff Dar Award Nominated (Best Two-Way Forward)
S54 Aidan Richan Award Nominated (Most improved)
S54 All-Star 2nd Team
S54 IIHF Team Canada Gold Medal Winner
S55 IIHF Team Canada Bronze Medal Winner
S56 IIHF Team Canada Gold Medal Winner
S57 IIHF Team Canada Gold Medal Winner
S57 Damian Littleton Award Nominated (Most Dedicated)
S59 Damian Littleton Award Nominated (Most Dedicated)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Statistics
S48 TBB: GP: 50 G: 14 A: 19 P: 33
S49 TBB: GP: 50 G: 9 A: 20 P: 29
S50 TBB: GP: 50 G: 11 A: 22 P: 33
S51 TBB: GP: 50 G: 13 A: 16 P: 29
S52 TBB: GP: 50 G: 14 A: 28 P: 42
S53 TBB: GP: 50 G: 15 A: 24 P: 39
S54 BUF: GP: 50 G: 32 A: 40 P: 72
S55 BUF: GP: 50 G: 19 A: 35 P: 54
S56 BUF: GP: 50 G: 20 A: 33 P: 53
S57 BUF: GP: 66 G: 23 A: 46 P: 69
S58 BUF: GP: 66 G: 24 A: 43 P: 67
S59 BUF: GP: 66 G: 36 A: 45 P: 81
S60 BUF: GP: 66 G: 32 A: 51 P: 83
S61 BUF: GP: 66 G: 40 A: 28 P: 68
S62 BUF: GP: 66 G: 20 A: 36 P: 56
Career: GP: 846 G: 322 A: 486 P: 808
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Playoffs Statistics
S48 TBB: GP: 7 G: 1 A: 2 P: 3
S49 TBB: GP: 12 G: 2 A: 8 P: 10
S50 TBB: GP: 19 G: 4 A: 8 P: 12
S51 TBB: GP: 4 G: 0 A: 2 P: 2
S52 TBB: Eliminated
S53 TBB: Eliminated
S54 BUF: GP: 13 G: 2 A: 8 P: 10
S55 BUF: GP: 17 G: 4 A: 11 P: 15
S56 BUF: GP: 23 G: 6 A: 11 P: 17
S57 BUF: GP: 17 G: 7 A: 9 P: 16
S58 BUF: GP: 21 G: 9 A: 4 P: 13
S59 BUF: GP: 19 G: 12 A: 9 P: 21
S60 BUF: GP: 22 G: 5 A: 15 P: 20
S61 BUF: GP: 9 G: 5 A: 0 P: 5
S62 BUF: GP: 9 G: 1 A: 5 P: 6
Career: GP: 192 G: 58 A: 92 P: 150
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
International Statistics
S45 WJC CAN: GP: 22 G: 2 A: 5 P: 7
S46 WJC CAN: GP: 29 G: 7 A: 23 P: 30
S47 WJC CAN: GP: 28 G: 7 A: 21 P: 28
S47 IIHF CAN: GP: 12 G: 2 A: 2 P: 4
S48 IIHF CAN: GP: 13 G: 0 A: 2 P: 2
S49 IIHF CAN: GP: 13 G: 1 A: 4 P: 5
S50 IIHF CAN: GP 14: G: 0 A: 3 P: 3
S51 IIHF CAN: GP 13: G: 1 A: 4 P: 5
S52 IIHF CAN: GP 12: G: 7 A: 3 P: 10
S53 IIHF CAN: GP 14: G: 9 A: 9 P: 18
S54 IIHF CAN: GP 17: G: 10 A: 9 P: 19
S55 IIHF CAN: GP 14: G: 6 A: 8 P: 14
S56 IIHF CAN: GP 15: G: 3 A: 13 P: 16
S57 IIHF CAN: GP 15: G: 7 A: 5 P: 12
S58 IIHF CAN: GP 15: G: 3 A: 7 P: 10
S59 IIHF CAN: GP 12: G: 1 A: 5 P: 6
S60 IIHF CAN: GP 13: G: 3 A: 8 P: 11
S61 IIHF CAN: GP 15: G: 3 A: 6 P: 9
S62 IIHF CAN: GP 15: G: 1 A: 4 P: 5
Career: GP: 302 G: 70 A: 138 P: 208
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Regular Season
S45 HAL: GP: 50 G: 15 A: 17 P: 32
S46 HAL: GP: 50 G: 10 A: 17 P: 27
S47 HAL: GP: 50 G: 24 A: 24 P: 48
Career: GP: 150 G: 49 A: 58 P: 107
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Playoffs Statistics
S45 HAL: GP: 11 G: 4 A: 6 P: 10
S46 HAL: GP: 13 G: 3 A: 5 P: 8
S47 HAL: GP: 4 G: 0 A: 2 P: 2
Career: GP: 28 G: 7 A: 13 P: 20
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

That's not what Sasha Zubovova told me before she allegedly disappeared.

Matt, she didn't allegedly disappear. She did disappear. And then we all found out that Nikolai Evans murdered her.

ruined. both Stacy's 5 second of fame and and Tiggie Smalls dream of a star son!

Mephistopheles Morgonstjärna | Right Defense | Detroit Falcons
Birthplace: Leipzig, Germany
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 235 lbs
Number: 66


RETIRED

Hippo Passamus | Center/Wing | Buffalo Stampede
Birthplace: Borås, Sweden
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 290 lbs
Number: 6
------------------------------------------------------------
Career Statistics:
SHL Regular Season:
BUF | S46 | 50 GP | 13 G | 12 A | 25 P | +21 |   0 PIM | 9 H
BUF | S47 | 50 GP | 9 G   | 21 A | 30 P | +0   |  5 PIM | 2 H
BUF | S48 | 50 GP | 12 G | 14 A | 26 P | +11 |   5 PIM | 7 H
BUF | S49 | 50 GP | 22 G | 22 A | 44 P | +4   | 34 PIM | 192 H
BUF | S50 | 50 GP | 17 G | 24 A | 41 P | +11 | 58 PIM | 203 H
BUF | S51 | 50 GP | 18 G | 27 A | 45 P | +16 | 42 PIM | 157 H
BUF | S52 | 50 GP | 15 G | 25 A | 40 P | +0   | 61 PIM | 187 H
BUF | S53 | 50 GP | 23 G | 33 A | 56 P | +25 | 14 PIM | 117 H
BUF | S54 | 50 GP | 25 G | 29 A | 54 P | +42 | 6 PIM  | 129 H
BUF | S55 | 50 GP | 25 G | 31 A | 56 P | +48 | 2 PIM  | 141 H
BUF | S56 | 50 GP | 22 G | 36 A | 58 P | +25 | 14 PIM | 121 H
BUF | S57 | 66 GP | 24 G | 36 A | 60 P | +26 | 4 PIM  | 157 H
BUF | S58 | 66 GP | 21 G | 32 A | 53 P | +38 | 16 PIM | 127 H
BUF | S59 | 66 GP | 16 G | 32 A | 48 P | +18 | 14 PIM | 81 H
BUF | TOT | 748 GP | 262 G | 374 A | 636 P | +288 | 276 PIM | 1630 H
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Playoffs:
BUF | S46 | 17 GP | 5 G   | 4 A   | 9 P   | +10 | 0 PIM | 14 H
BUF | S47 | 13 GP | 3 G   | 2 A   | 5 P   | -3    | 0 PIM | 10 H
BUF | S48 | 22 GP | 12 G | 18 A | 30 P | +11  | 0 PIM | 0 H
BUF | S49 | 5 GP   | 2 G   | 3 A   | 5 P  | +0    | 4 PIM | 15 H
BUF | S50 | 6 GP   | 2 G   | 2 A   | 4 P  | +3    | 2 PIM | 20 H
BUF | S51 | 8 GP   | 2 G   | 2 A   | 4 P  | -9     | 4 PIM | 27 H
BUF | S52 | 15 GP | 5 G   | 9 A   | 14 P| +1     | 23 PIM | 50 H
BUF | S53 | 4 GP   | 1 G   | 1 A   | 2 P  | -7     | 0 PIM | 12 H
BUF | S54 | 13 GP | 6 G   | 7 A   | 13 P  | +5    | 4 PIM | 34 H
BUF | S55 | 17 GP  | 3 G   | 7 A   | 10 P  | +10 | 0 PIM | 44 H
BUF | S56 | 23 GP  | 8 G   | 9 A   | 17 P  | +12 | 4 PIM | 66 H
BUF | S57 | 17 GP  | 8 G   | 3 A   | 11 P  | +5   | 0 PIM | 17 H
BUF | S58 | 21 GP  | 4 G   | 9 A   | 13 P  | +6   | 4 PIM | 44 H
BUF | S59 | 19 GP  | 7 G   | 10 A   | 17 P  | +16   | 4 PIM | 40 H
BUF | TOT | 200 GP | 68 G | 86 A | 154 P | +51 | 59 PIM | 403 H
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Regular Season:
DET | S42-45 | 200 GP | 54 G | 77 A | 131 P | +38 | 92 PIM | 228 H
SMJHL Playoffs:
DET | S42-45 | 43 GP | 17 G | 25 A | 42 P | +8 | 14 PIM | 44 H


Career Achivements:
S44 Ideen Fallah Trophy Nomination
S44 Brandon Holmes Trophy
S45 Ronan O'Keefe Trophy
S45 Brodie Witzel Trophy
S45 Vyacheslav Onoprienko Trophy Nomination
S46 Challenge Cup Champion
S48 Challenge Cup Champion
S48 Anton Razov Trophy Nomination
S51 Jeff Darr Trophy Nomination
S55 Jeff Darr Trophy Nomination

you can be my dad?

||

you can be my dad?

@notorioustig you can have this one. He's better at the regular season scoring.

Unless you wanna be mine, in which case I must say I'd be a worse father than Chris Benoit.

Benis small is my dud

Mephistopheles Morgonstjärna | Right Defense | Detroit Falcons
Birthplace: Leipzig, Germany
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 235 lbs
Number: 66


RETIRED

Hippo Passamus | Center/Wing | Buffalo Stampede
Birthplace: Borås, Sweden
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 290 lbs
Number: 6
------------------------------------------------------------
Career Statistics:
SHL Regular Season:
BUF | S46 | 50 GP | 13 G | 12 A | 25 P | +21 |   0 PIM | 9 H
BUF | S47 | 50 GP | 9 G   | 21 A | 30 P | +0   |  5 PIM | 2 H
BUF | S48 | 50 GP | 12 G | 14 A | 26 P | +11 |   5 PIM | 7 H
BUF | S49 | 50 GP | 22 G | 22 A | 44 P | +4   | 34 PIM | 192 H
BUF | S50 | 50 GP | 17 G | 24 A | 41 P | +11 | 58 PIM | 203 H
BUF | S51 | 50 GP | 18 G | 27 A | 45 P | +16 | 42 PIM | 157 H
BUF | S52 | 50 GP | 15 G | 25 A | 40 P | +0   | 61 PIM | 187 H
BUF | S53 | 50 GP | 23 G | 33 A | 56 P | +25 | 14 PIM | 117 H
BUF | S54 | 50 GP | 25 G | 29 A | 54 P | +42 | 6 PIM  | 129 H
BUF | S55 | 50 GP | 25 G | 31 A | 56 P | +48 | 2 PIM  | 141 H
BUF | S56 | 50 GP | 22 G | 36 A | 58 P | +25 | 14 PIM | 121 H
BUF | S57 | 66 GP | 24 G | 36 A | 60 P | +26 | 4 PIM  | 157 H
BUF | S58 | 66 GP | 21 G | 32 A | 53 P | +38 | 16 PIM | 127 H
BUF | S59 | 66 GP | 16 G | 32 A | 48 P | +18 | 14 PIM | 81 H
BUF | TOT | 748 GP | 262 G | 374 A | 636 P | +288 | 276 PIM | 1630 H
------------------------------------------------------------
SHL Playoffs:
BUF | S46 | 17 GP | 5 G   | 4 A   | 9 P   | +10 | 0 PIM | 14 H
BUF | S47 | 13 GP | 3 G   | 2 A   | 5 P   | -3    | 0 PIM | 10 H
BUF | S48 | 22 GP | 12 G | 18 A | 30 P | +11  | 0 PIM | 0 H
BUF | S49 | 5 GP   | 2 G   | 3 A   | 5 P  | +0    | 4 PIM | 15 H
BUF | S50 | 6 GP   | 2 G   | 2 A   | 4 P  | +3    | 2 PIM | 20 H
BUF | S51 | 8 GP   | 2 G   | 2 A   | 4 P  | -9     | 4 PIM | 27 H
BUF | S52 | 15 GP | 5 G   | 9 A   | 14 P| +1     | 23 PIM | 50 H
BUF | S53 | 4 GP   | 1 G   | 1 A   | 2 P  | -7     | 0 PIM | 12 H
BUF | S54 | 13 GP | 6 G   | 7 A   | 13 P  | +5    | 4 PIM | 34 H
BUF | S55 | 17 GP  | 3 G   | 7 A   | 10 P  | +10 | 0 PIM | 44 H
BUF | S56 | 23 GP  | 8 G   | 9 A   | 17 P  | +12 | 4 PIM | 66 H
BUF | S57 | 17 GP  | 8 G   | 3 A   | 11 P  | +5   | 0 PIM | 17 H
BUF | S58 | 21 GP  | 4 G   | 9 A   | 13 P  | +6   | 4 PIM | 44 H
BUF | S59 | 19 GP  | 7 G   | 10 A   | 17 P  | +16   | 4 PIM | 40 H
BUF | TOT | 200 GP | 68 G | 86 A | 154 P | +51 | 59 PIM | 403 H
------------------------------------------------------------
SMJHL Regular Season:
DET | S42-45 | 200 GP | 54 G | 77 A | 131 P | +38 | 92 PIM | 228 H
SMJHL Playoffs:
DET | S42-45 | 43 GP | 17 G | 25 A | 42 P | +8 | 14 PIM | 44 H


Career Achivements:
S44 Ideen Fallah Trophy Nomination
S44 Brandon Holmes Trophy
S45 Ronan O'Keefe Trophy
S45 Brodie Witzel Trophy
S45 Vyacheslav Onoprienko Trophy Nomination
S46 Challenge Cup Champion
S48 Challenge Cup Champion
S48 Anton Razov Trophy Nomination
S51 Jeff Darr Trophy Nomination
S55 Jeff Darr Trophy Nomination

Easy Troy 2

Colorado Raptors Capitan S42-Until Forever!
Czechia Wants you! Ask about a transfer!!

S74 - Troy McClure IIII
Late To Draft - Signed by Regina Elk
Drafted 18th overall in SHL Draft to New England Wolfpack






S42-Troy McClure III- D-Retired
Undrafted Signing-S41
S43-S52 SHL Totals: 500 games played 32 goals 189 assists 891 hits 10227 minutes
S41-S42 SMJHL Totals: 100 games played 10 goals 52 assists 187 hits 1818 minutes
S41-S52 Czechia Totals: 124 games played 12 goals 42 assists 230 hits 2468 minutes




Awards
S41 WJC Gold Medal Champion Co-GM!!
S42 Quilha Agante Trophy Winner
S42 Ideen Fallah Trophy Winner
 S44 Champion Cup Champion - Winnipeg Jets
S53 Champion Cup Champion - Hamilton Steelhawks

you can be my dad?

@notorioustig you can have this one. He's better at the regular season scoring.

Unless you wanna be mine, in which case I must say I'd be a worse father than Chris Benoit.

i just want a dad :(

||

@notorioustig you can have this one. He's better at the regular season scoring.

Unless you wanna be mine, in which case I must say I'd be a worse father than Chris Benoit.

i just want a dad :(

Lucky for you an opening just came up