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Julio Tokolosh · 03-18-2020, 01:43 PM

Homers and purists, enjoy this article that presents the fantasy rankings by franchise and by junior program.
Going into every season, in any fantasy sport, it is natural to veer towards your own teams. While you might be biased, by your optimistic outlook, the idea of rooting for yourself is definitely identifiable.

In any sport, I like to choose the teams that I like. I’m not going to hedge my bets like my bookie/uncle tells me, I’m not interested in winning “or” winning. I want to win “and” win. A Capitals fan drafts Dmitry Orlov, not because Snarls is a lock to score, assist and hit a bunch, but because the Capitals need him to succeed in order for their playoff run to be deeper than Pittsburgh’s. In order for his (the fan, or Orlov's) team to succeed, he (Orlov) must succeed, and the team likely not succeeding is not something that a fan will consider during the late offseason.

Imagine being on the team, and saying during a flight “sorry, Dima, but I think Klingberg is the value play”. You invest in your locker room and in those that you care about, even if irresponsibly so. It would be like betting against your son at a track meet when they scrimmage the Jamaican travel team. Yea, the odds are that your boy is going to get smoked, but if he wins and you bet on the favorite, that guilt debt is going to be harder to pay than your financial one.

Everyone is friends with a UCONN alumnus who has won 5 March Madness (RIP) tournaments in the last decade or so. I’ve lost every NFL pick’em league since the New York Giants started sucking. It’s a hard road for many fan bases, but it is undeniably the path of honor.

In the SHL the stakes are lower because its a digital simulation that we recently learned barely works (like a text version of the video horse races at the gas station), yet the stakes are higher because we’re on the teams and participating and trying our hardest to be the first gas station pony to cross the finish line.

The following is a breakdown of how the perfect fan would have finished last season’s fantasy season. If drafting only on franchise loyalty, I have listed the results of the fantasy teams made up of each franchise’s top fantasy forwards and, top fantasy defensive pairing, and fantasy goalie rotation.

1

Buffalo

Score: 1618.6
F - Viktor Marius - 325.9
F - Hippo Passamus - 277.6
F - Monkey D. Luffy - 241
D - Poopity Scoop - 270.4
D - Tatu Makela - 224.7
Goalies - 279

2
Steelhawks

Hamilton

Score: 1574.4
F - Flacko Lagerfield - 293.8
F - Aaron Wilson - 282
F - Robert Phelps - 250.6
D - Tig Murphy - 273.3
D - Samuel Michaud - 193.7
Goalies - 281

3
pride

San Francisco pride

Score: 1521.3
F - Piotr Czerkawski - 264.9
F - Steven Moyer - 259.9
F - Jeff Brogen - 252.6
D - Charlie Schieck - 238.5
D - Leopold Lockhart - 229.4
Goalies - 276

4
syndicate

Chicago

Score: 1514.4
F - Cameron Carter II - 342.1
F - Daniel Smeb - 259.1
F - Jack Kennedy - 246.8
D - Corey Kennedy - 235
D - Parker Smeb - 186.4
Goalies - 245

5
Wolfpack

New England Wolfpack

Score: 1470.1
F - Rafe Ulrich - 259.5
F - Ola Wagstrom - 254.1
F - Manuel Gotze - 253.1
D - Guy Zheng - 236.2
D - Ensio Kalju - 233.2
Goalie - 234

6
Rage

Manhattan

Score: 1448.3
F - Luke Thomason - 307.7
F - Alex Winters - 262.2
F - Rainbow Dash - 211.6
D - Barret McCarthy - 224.9
D - Reginald MacIntyre - 179.9
Goalies - 262

7
Stars

Toronto

Score: 1445.5
F - Mika Kandinsky - 268.2
F - Bobby Lane - 261.6
F - Xavier Paquette - 260.6
D - Donny McMasters -196.7
D - Cal Clucker - 180.4
Goalies - 278

8
Panthers

Los Angeles Panthers

Score: 1436.1
F - Philipp Winter - 308.9
F - Borromini Cannellini - 246.5
F - Max Mauldin - 235.1
D - Jon Toner - 230.5
D - Tony Ford - 153.1
Goalies - 262

9
Jets

Winnipeg

Score: 1424
F - Commander Shepherd - 278.9
F - Nick Brain - 274.9
F - Goku Muerto - 256.5
D - Slip McScruff - 211.1
D - Gary Grease - 167.6
Goalies - 235

10
Barracuda

Tampa Bay

Score: 1416.1
F - Olivier Cloutier - 241.9
F - Matt Kholin - 239.1
F - Gunnar Soderberg - 207.7
D - Nikolai Evans - 247
D - Joln Dubolk - 192.4
Goalies - 288

11
Dragons

Calgary

Score: 1381.9
F - Mike Izzy - 280.1
F - Nicky Pederson - 253.4
F - Barry Batsbak - 200.3
D - Brennan Kennedy - 204
D - Otis B. Driftwood - 186.1
Goalies - 258

12
Blizzard

Edmonton

Score: 1357
F - Tony Pepperoni - 272.5
F - Boruvka Bannanak - 194.4
F - Julio Tokolosh - 189.6
D - Brady McIntyre - 248.8
D - Tor Tuck - 185.7
Goalies - 266

13
Platoon

West Kendall Platoon

Score: 1344.1
F - Petr Mikulak - 247.1
F - Nickolas Klaus - 201.1
F - Gabriel Wong - 186.9
D - Rex Kirkby - 256.2
D - Ethan Ross - 201.8
Goalies - 251

14
Renegades

Texas

F - Andreas Kvalheim - 339.3
F - Josef Kubinec - 195.3
F - Iam Essellemm - 166.4
D - Harvey Danger - 236.9
D - Piotr Horvat - 187.4
Goalies - 214

15
Specters

New Orleans Specters

Score: 1327.8
F - Lil Manius - 289.9
F - Jimmy Slothface - 235.9
F - Nicholas Williams - 226.1
D - Lyle Odelein III - 169.5
D - Kaspars Claude - 165.4
Goalies - 241

16
Chiefs

Minnesota

Score: 1279.2
F - Noah Gallagher - 246.7
F - Collin GIbbles - 227.7
F - Artemi Berezin - 153.1
D - Mathias Seger - 234.5
D - Geoff Moore - 226.2
Goalies - 191

Unless you were on the Buffalo Stampede, you would not have collected TPE in any of the leagues with these rosters (more evidence that the SHL deep state is encouraging disloyal acts to spur ratings, a la Tom Brady). A way around this snakery to still be loyal and possibly get a few more points, would be to choose by your SMJHL affiliated team.

Full disclosure: this was a long and tedious process and I’m sure I missed a bunch. Please comment or private message some players that I missed.

1

Detroit

Score: 1655
F- Viktor Marius - 325.9
F - Flacko Lagerfield - 293.8
F - Hippo Passamus - 277.6
D - Tig Murphy - 273.3
D - Poopity Scoop - 270.4
G - Sebastian Primeau - 214

2
Kraken

Carolina

Score: 1619.6
F - Andreas Kvalheim - 339.3
F - Commander Shepherd - 278.9
F - Piotr Czerkawski - 264.9
D - Nikolai Evans - 247
D - Charlie Schieck - 238.5
G- Beaujeaux Biscuit - 251

3
Armada

Anchorage

Score: 1582.4
F - Cameron Carter II - 342.1
F - Olivier Cloutier - 241.9
F - Mika Mayfield - 224.8
D - Rex Kirkby - 256.2
D - Leopold Lockhart - 229.4
G - Benhjamin Blue - 288

4
Whalers

Vancouver

Score: 1525.4
F - Luke Thomason - 307.7
F - Aaron Wilson - 282
F - Robert Phelps - 250.6
D - Geoff Moore - 226.2
D - Barret McCarthy - 224.9
G - Johannes Leitner - 234

5
Scarecrows

St. Louis

Score: 1518.9
F - Lil Manius - 289.9
F - Mika Kandinsky - 268.2
F - Steven Moyer - 259.9
D - Brady McIntyre - 248.8
D - Slip McScruff - 211.1
G - Aleister Cain - 241

6
Raptors

Colorado

Score: 1502.6
F - Philipp Winter - 308.9
F - Tony Pepperoni - 272.5
F - Nick Brain - 274.9
D - Cassius Darrow - 202.7
D - Gary Grease - 167.6
G - Chris Partridge - 276

7
Timber

Maine

Score: 1428.8
F - Matt Kholin - 239.1
F - Jimmy Slothface - 235.9
F - Vince Reaper - 219.1
D - Ensio Kalju - 233.2
D - Jon Toner - 230.5
G - Geezus Christ - 281

8
Knights

Kelowna

Score: 1399.9
F - Mike Izzy - 280.1
F - Dick Clapper - 230.5
F - Gunnar Soderberg - 207.7
D - Guy Zheng - 236.2
D - Piotr Horvat - 187.4
G - Kata Vilde - 258

9
Outlaws

Anaheim

Score: 1385.9
F - Martjin Westbroek - 233.6
F - Colin Gibbles - 227.7
F - Hiro Fujikawa - 210.1
D - Corey Kennedy - 235
D - Mathias Seger - 234.5
G - Tibuk Soonika - 245

10
Berserkers

Newfoundland Berserkers

Score: 1310.1
F - Monkey D. Luffy - 241
F - Austin Roenick - 196
F - Boruvka Bannanak - 194.4
D - Brennan Kennedy - 204
D - Donny McMasters - 196.7
G - Harry Carpet - 278

I had a bit ready to go about a deeper analysis, and storied J franchises vs failing ones, vs new up and comers, but no one really reads those parts. You just search your name, click on the link, command F your name (yea, a mac. Sometimes I use light mode, too. What of it? We’re on FHM now, even playing field.), and then look for your teammates and draft buddies. With that in mind, I’ll cut it off here. I'm not going to shoe-horn this into being about rookies; I will just cross my fingers that this accidentally gets graded as x2.

Makeshift conclusion: Follow Viktor Marius. Karey's got the purest pedigree around, and his art doesn't stink either. I'd tag him like a man, but I know I'm going to have a million small edits, typos, and player additions, and I don't want to bother him with the notifications.

Let me know what errors there are.

In lieu of flowers, please down-rep Ford.

Code:
word count 1541 + a ton of research

Wallflower · 03-18-2020, 01:58 PM

interesting concept, good content. good idea to combine hometowns and the fantasy suites. less time for drama tho

Julio Tokolosh · 03-18-2020, 02:49 PM

03-18-2020, 01:58 PMWallflower Wrote: interesting concept, good content. good idea to combine hometowns and the fantasy suites. less time for drama tho

If you have a roku, or access to Tubi (i had never heard of it before a week ago), you can watch season 1 for free. its just 7 episodes long (45 minute episodes), and they cram all of it in. the 2002 (i think?) fashion choices are also a fun different aspect.

TheWoZy · 03-18-2020, 03:02 PM

***WannabeFinn*** · 03-18-2020, 03:04 PM

Mayuu · 03-18-2020, 03:14 PM

RETIRED

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