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*leviadan* · 06-21-2021, 11:07 AM

Burlok Sulfurgold is a 25 year old German hockey player currently playing for the Texas Renegades of the SHL. He has two bronze medals, two Laurifers, a President's Trophy, a Cole Reinhart Trophy, a Four Star Cup, a Challenge Cup, and an Onoprienko Award. He deserves none of these because he's a borderline beer leaguer that's been carried by generational linemates and strong management teams. This bearded dingus barely broke 10 goals on the historically good S53 Detroit Falcons, and barely hardly contributed at all to their cup run. Also before you ask, "strong defensive minutes" are both useless and unquantifiable. His 30 goals in S59 are a huge deviation from his regular scoring ability and will not continue. Texas will regret locking him up for 3 years when he plummets back down to Earth and scores 8 in S60. You should take his salary and give half of it to Kondos and half of it to Williams, because he can't do anything without those guys serving him goal line tap-ins.

gucci · 06-21-2021, 11:13 AM

Coming out of Austria, Dane von Gucci was barely a hockey prospect. He was a big-bodied oaf with the ability to skate fast and move the puck a little. There is almost no defensive aspect present when he plays and to a defensive purist he is a chore to watch play the game. In his time at the Saint Louis Scarecrows he has amassed an unbelievable -52 over two seasons and continues to shoot the puck at one of the worst rates in the league. Yet somehow with all of these deficiencies he still finds himself killing penalties every season and he continues to make his coaches look bad for their bonehead decision to trust the guy. Despite being very good on the DACH team that has medalded silver and gold in the last two WJC tournaments, he still can't put it together for his club team begging the question, why in the world did Toronto spend the second overall pick on this clown.

***DrunkenTeddy*** · 06-21-2021, 11:20 AM

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**leafsftw1967** · 06-21-2021, 11:36 AM

Mat’s Marner is a season fifty four player that was way to hyped coming into his draft year. I can’t believe a team wasted assets to trade up for him as he has yet to show on the ice that he is a SHL superstar. While Marner has had some decent regular season performances, he has failed to consistently put up points throughout the season being a fairly streaky player. Then when it comes to the playoffs Marner absolutely disappears being a career minus player in the post season. In most series he has played in he has been invisible on the stats sheet even going scoreless in some series. To make matters worse, in four playoff series Marner has yet to win one. Marner also showed his disloyalty leaving Calgary early on in his career to join a top cup contender in the SHL with Chicago but they should be cautious because Marner has been synonymous with losing. It will be interesting to see if Marner can change his narrative and have success in Chicago.

*slothfacekilla* · 06-21-2021, 11:50 AM

PT Pass from the charity event

ByrdeMan · 06-21-2021, 11:53 AM

ph

Nhlbeastmode_7777 · 06-21-2021, 12:02 PM

Okay my name is Brent Ashe. Brent Ashe is a hockey player that is some what a hater of some of the best guys in the league. I'm a player that wants to beat everybody at what they do and if they do I hate on them for beating I'm the top dog in the sport. I want to let them know that I don't mess around. I want to say who is the best but I'm not really I hater because that's not how I truly operate but when people beat me at something it gives me an incentive to want to beat them to. I think that this year will be much of the same as last year for me I like to think that i will try my best to beat everybody do i don't become so much a hater but a nice and good guy in the league. I want to give improve as well so that I'm better each and every year here's to a less hater year and a more and improved year from me and let's see how far this takes me.

Words 198

Arkz · 06-21-2021, 12:17 PM

Jon St. Ark was born in Austria, but you may not know that given how he left the Austrian international hockey scene to play for the Swedish team. Despite having a spot locked up as the primary goaltender for the IIHF squad, St. Ark took his talents north to Sweden and has continued to do nothing with the team. In the SMJHL, St. Ark started his career with the Vancouver Whalers, where he promptly peaked in his first season, making the All-Star team, winning Rookie of the Year, and being part of the team that won the Four-Star Cup (though he only played in one game in the playoffs). Since then, St. Ark has done fuck-all, aside from being drafted to the the lowly New Orleans Specters. This upcoming season will be the first for St. Ark in the SHL, and it remains to be seen if he will disappoint or have a decent year and then degrade, as per usual.

Kalakar · 06-21-2021, 12:24 PM

Pt pass

**bbjygm** · 06-21-2021, 01:12 PM

Slap McShotty

McShotty in 2021, during a brief moment of lucidity

Born	420th Novemsexagintember, 1989
	Stupid Town, State of Delusion, Murica
Will Die	Sooner than you think (aged Not Old)
	No-Less-Stupid Village, Confused State, MURICA
Citizenship	None (like anyone would want him associated with their country lol)
Education	Witless Elementary in Stupid Town (Dummy Cum Ladle)
	Dropped out of middle school, no further education
Known for	Being big dumb
	World record, most insulation consumed in a single sitting (526 lbs)
	Utter lack of hockey skill
	Lowest SAT score in recorded history
	Did I mention big dumb?
Spouse(s)	Sis McShotty
	(m. 2020; div. 2020, 2 days later)
Children	None (he's cucked so much he's probably still a virigin)
Awards	None (all recorded awards are probably fakes)
Height	4 ft 3 in (130 cm)
Weight	400 lb (181 kg; 28 st 8 lb))
Position	Missionary, bottom
Shoots	Terribly
SHL team	New England Fartcucks
National team	Spits-erland
Playing career	S46 - next Thursday

*Zerg* · 06-21-2021, 01:18 PM

Artemius Nystrom is a junior-league hockey goon born in Luleå, Sweden, in 2025, and has done nothing of greater note since. The Colorado Raptors signed him in late S58, and play him on whatever wing will give him fewer chances to give the puck to the other team in a given season. A talentless ape with the hockey IQ of a cooked puck, Nystrom likes nothing more than to try to kill a better player than him who happens to have the puck, hope the referees don't call it, then take the puck the other way, very occasionally score on a glorified penalty shot, then pretend he's a real hockey player.
Unfortunately, the Edmonton Blizzard wasted a second-round pick on this thug, which has thus far allowed him to continue his delusions of a professional hockey career.
In his two seasons with the Raptors to date, he has won absolutely nothing. In the most recent season, despite being heavy favorites over the Anchorage Armada, his Raptors were swept out of the playoffs in their first round of competition. Fans of skilled players and intelligent hockey the world over rejoiced at this development, and continue to hold out hope that Nystrom will lose heart and abandon professional hockey before he disgraces the sport at its highest level of competition by getting arrested on assault charges.

[224 words]

Merica · 06-21-2021, 01:22 PM

Daniel Merica Jr. is a complete piece of shit. This dude talks so much shit I bet his ass gets jealous. He seems to think because he’s the son of the REAL Daniel Merica that he’s special, well I’m here to tell you he’s anything but. I get great pleasure from crushing his face into the boards and chirping “You ain’t your daddy, bitch”.

Sure, he has some talent, but if I was a GM I’d have to say he isn’t worth the trouble, and that’s clearly what everyone except two GMs seemed to think in the SMJHL and SHL drafts. I mean his last name is Merica, I bet his Dad changed his name to it, it’s so fucking patriotic I wanna throw up, like chill bro.

Rumor is that he’s a good teammate, but i don’t know it all seems like a facade, an act, I bet the first chance he gets he is gonna throw them under the boss for his own brand. I’ve never played against someone so shitty that refuses to shut his damn mouth, he talks like he’s out here dropping hattys on the regular when instead he’s giving the puck away like he’s playing kids for charity.

203 words.

xTri · 06-21-2021, 01:27 PM

"Kappa Kappa is a golf player born in Flam, Norway who is stuck in a hockey body. He's the laziest player on the ice and his only redeeming quality is his slap shot. I do not even know why he chooses to play left defense, he can not defend against anyone, he just stands there pretending to do something that resembles defense. He was drafting both in the SHL and SMJHL drafts in the 2nd round, which 'experts' say is way way way too high for someone with his qualities. 'Experts' says he should have been undrafted to discourage him from playing hockey ever again. In the most recent off-seasons, some team in Chicago decided it was good to resign him who may as well become the biggest bust in the world. In his two years playing in the SMJHL with the Quebec City Citadelles, the team reached the playoffs twice with deep playoffs runs with one run ending with a championship. Obviously, Kappa Kappa did not contribute at all."

Code:
170 words

*Otrebor13* · 06-21-2021, 01:32 PM

Theo Morgan is a hockey player for the Hamilton Steelhawks of the Simulation Hockey League. Morgan began his quest for the Simulation Hockey League by playing in the SMJHL with the Vancouver Whalers, where he had a relatively touch time adjusting to the league. While he did manage to win a Four Star Cup with the Whalers prior to being called up to the SHL, he struggled and was not a major contributor to his team.

When making the jump to the SHL, Morgan was slowly improving, but not one to make a large splash. When he finally started hitting his prime, he ended up moving on from the Panthers (the team that drafted him) and eventually signed as a Free Agent with the Hamilton Steelhawks. Since joining the Steelhawks, Morgan’s career has really taken off, but how much of that is due to his actual skill? While Morgan has been rewarded with a lot of achievements so far in his career, it could be argued that he’s much more a product of the system he plays in than the level of talent he possesses. He is now well into his regression years and will likely become less relevant in the league as younger players begin to hit their prime.

Tate · 06-21-2021, 01:47 PM

Knox Booth is the most overrated useless goalie the Los Angeles Panthers have had. It's not like winning the McBride even matters if you don't win the cup, which he never has and never will because he's garbage. Just recently he got a chance to claim a gold medal with Czechia, but did he do it? Of course not, and instead led them right to silver, which is a might higher medal than he deserved. And it's not like having a situation where you're parents are murdered should matter, why don't you cry about it, you big baby! I mean the guy got off OJ style, should legit be in prison for what he did, and instead he collects millions of dollars a year living in one of the most popular cities in the world getting to play a sport that most dream of. What an absolute POS this guy is. People like Knox Booth should be taken out back and disposed of like the trash they are. Suck it Booth.

177 words

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