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FiveForFighting · 06-28-2021, 08:16 AM

https://probaseballexperience.jcink.net/...t&p=331742 Whozonfirst PT

By-Tor · 06-28-2021, 08:19 AM

Marcel Beck's agent, Cheeky Charles, thought it would be a good idea to get Marcel's face on the Original White Chocolate Bar. After all, Beck is a Swiss icon and white chocolate is a Swiss invention. A match made in heaven! (He tried to convince the company to rebrand to "the White Swiss," but executives just weren't feeling it. "Eat a White Swiss" just didn't have the connotation they wanted.) Anyways, just after launch, there were a series of nationwide reports that people were eating the White Chocolate bars and getting sick. Oh no! An investigation was launched, and the detectives came to the conclusion that so many people that had never eaten white chocolate before bought these candy bars because of the young Swiss athlete's face. Turns out, the bars weren't defective at all - these people got sick because white chocolate is simply an unnatural food. Just nasty, really.

Credit to enigmatic, Merica, tweedledunn, and jaypc8237 for sigs

WildfireMicro · 06-28-2021, 08:30 AM

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*takethehorizon* · 06-28-2021, 08:37 AM

Cillian Kavanagh recently signed a sponsorship deal with LIFE ALERT the personal emergency response and home medical alert system company that saves lives from catastrophic outcomes, using a unique technology to provide superior home audio monitoring protection. A large management member from Life Alert contacted Cillian's agent and thought he would be perfect to help advertise this to the public because it SAVES lives. "Cillian Saves", "Kav will save it!" & "Kavanagh can save you" were the marketing ploys that would bring more attention to Life Alert and help market their services. Cillian was brought in to audition for the first commercial and asked by the staff to seem enthusiastic about saving and how he saves objects every night. The marketing strategy fell through faster than it was it set up. The commercial completely flopped as the public didn't know what a professional SHL goalie and an emergency monitoring system had anything to do with one another. Kavanagh and the Life Alert team terminated all communication but some say to this day Life Alert is the official Emergency Rescue Response of the Texas Renegades.

Word Count: 184

MN_Moosey · 06-28-2021, 08:42 AM

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Eynhallow · 06-28-2021, 08:52 AM

Hardened Fibres

Subsequent to being drafted by the Tampa Bay Barracudas Rinky was approached by a company called Hardened Fibres to represent their product. Their idea was to produce a skate blade that was more environmentally friendly that the ones that are typically made from hardened steel. In essence this was a good idea because professional hockey players change their blades after each 20 - 30 hours, or once every 2 weeks. So a player would use 12 sets of blades in a six month season. Given about 650 active players in the NHL, that equates to 15 600 blades being used each season. The idea was to fabricate skate blades out of a hardened cardboard/wood fibre . This went quite well in the testing that was done on the frozen lakes near Kapuskasing in -40 C weather. However, when that blades were used in more temperate climates (i.e. Tampa Bay), they turned into a disgusting mushy substance that acted as a brake as opposed to a gliding platform. This resulted in players be abruptly halted in their forward progress resulting in numerous face plants. While the face plants were quite humorous, the blades were a resounding flop. Rinky has since rescinded his agreement to represent this company.

KC15 · 06-28-2021, 09:11 AM

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soulja · 06-28-2021, 09:44 AM

The Marketing Director of Yves Saint Laurent personally came to Zlatan Ibrahimovic Jr. He wanted to work out a product with the legend to create a cologne that will echo "sexiness" around woman. Zlatan ibrahimovic jr said to him, for that you will need the special ingredient. They needed to fabricate a cologne that must include his body odor in order to generate some pheromones around woman, so that they get instantly captivated by the smell. The two landed a placement deal and released their product to the public. Zlatan will get a 50% cut from the Sales of the cologne. The thing started to sell like hot cakes at a price of 250 USD. All the men were buying it because it smelled fresh and the woman loved it. But the turning point was when married woman started falling for men with this cologne. The husbands filed a class action lawsuit that this cologne was ruining their marriage since their wives have begun cheating. This resulted in an immediate recall of the product and that was it for Zlatans Cologne.

Rabidsponge21 · 06-28-2021, 09:58 AM

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GCool · 06-28-2021, 10:04 AM

John Donair is a pretty soft-spoken guy, but he recently picked up a small-time sponsorship deal in his childhood home of Milwaukee. Donut Squad, one of the bigger donut establishments that pushes the boundaries of the breakfast confection, approached Donair for their newest item: the "Long" John Donair! The Long John is already a midwestern staple donut; it's essentially an eclair without any filling; very similar dough and everything. Donut Squad decided to make a classic Long John with a vanilla frosting on top, with donair sauce in the middle. If you aren't familiar, donair sauce is part of a savory dish and primarily consists of condensed milk, garlic, and vinegar. Naturally, very few Milwaukeeans understood what they were biting into when they picked up a Long John Donair. Although both components of the dish were made with love and very high quality, the combination was met by most people with relative disgust. It was nothing that Donair did ... he just picked the wrong experiment to accept an endorsement deal from. Here's to hoping he hops on a different train soon!

NONAME · 06-28-2021, 11:03 AM

Bo Kane landed a MASSIVE product placement deal that was going to make him millions for many years to come. He was the official face of Viagra. In a shocking turn of events, Viagra became an over the counter medication instead of a prescribed one. In an attempt to widen their target market to the younger audience they brought in hockey star, Bo Kane to help push the product. Unfortunately, due to them having to change the product a little to help create an over the counter version, there was a huge (pun intended) defect. The product would last for 48 hours straight! This created a huge crisis in Wallstreet where a huge chunk of the guys weren't showing up to work due to the sideffects of the Viagra. The market crashed and we have entered a Depression. In an attempt to recover, Viagra has offered all guys a free pack to keep them distracted from losing everything.

***Chevy*** · 06-28-2021, 11:13 AM

"What do you mean it says 'Freddy is the devil?" I balked while on the phone with our promotions agent. I was completely beside myself as she proceeded to, in detail, explain how the Winnipeg's Greatest Hits: Volume 2 official soundtrack, which contains some more recent arena music favorites, was now getting pulled from store shelves nationwide thanks to push back from the Christian community.

"This is unthinkable!? We need to find out how this happened and fix it!". I was beside myself as releasing volume 2 was an endeavor I pressed heavily for so my own name was on the line as a pseudo-promotor. We had pushed for over 2 Million CD's to be created and sold...and now it seems they'll only be able to be used for cheap five-minute crafts. I sighed heavily with this realization, looking towards @Muerto with my face filled with despair. That's when we both mumbled the same epiphany:

"We will never recover financially from this."

*littleb* · 06-28-2021, 11:16 AM

When Daedalus was approached by a man in board shorts and a flowery t-shirt after a practice he was wondering what the heck he wanted. It turns out he was the owner of a small surfboard company in San Francisco called Board Stiff which sells beginner surfboards to people claiming they are easier to learn on and stay up on. Seeing as he wasn't getting any real endorsement gigs he decided to accept the offer and did a photo shoot for some billboards as well as a commercial for local radio and television. Everything seemed to be going fine until there started to be some links between the surfboard and shark attacks all along the west coast! Apparently something in the boards material composition had a specific scent that could draw the attention of a shark from 10 or more miles away! In the end the boards all had to be recalled after over a dozen people were injured and the company went bankrupt.

***sköldpaddor*** · 06-28-2021, 11:21 AM

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*slothfacekilla* · 06-28-2021, 11:57 AM

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