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Dextaria · 08-31-2021, 01:35 PM

Green pill please! I can't wait for Ryosuke Sato to be like a mini Wayne Gretzky, Connor McDavid, and Sidney Crosby on the ice. Making plays left, right and center predicting outcomes before the other team knows what is coming to them. It will be like the other team is playing checkers while Sato is out here playing 4D chess. With the hockey sense of some of the best players out there, I am confident the North Stars will become seasonal cup winners and no one can stop the team! Also, I mean if mills can get through the whole height thing, I am pretty sure it can't be too bad. Sure you sacrifice the ability to get certain things without a stool and would need help every so often, but if the other side is a crazy big brain, I am confident people will focus on that. They will be jealous of your intelligence to be focused on your height. Smart on the ice, smart in life, I think this one is a no brainer.

3lewsers · 08-31-2021, 02:18 PM

I would take the purple pill grape jelly bean, which is basically a placebo. Therefore, it may offer some positive effects because my mind believes it will. However, even if it doesn't, I will rely on the talent I was born with. That talent has gotten me to where I am, and will continue to help me advance up the ranks in the league. I do not want any artificial substances in my body that cause loose bowels or any other adverse reactions. I want to succeed or fail on my talent and skill. In addition, I refuse to risk suspension ingesting a banned substance. It would ruin everything I have ever worked. Sure, a few grape jelly beans to satisfy my sweet tooth is all I would need. If they have a positive effect on my play, so be it. But I prefer to make my mark using only myself in mind and body. Let the detractors make fun of me for being a square. No problem.

negs77 · 08-31-2021, 03:08 PM

I would take the purple pill no question. Not only do I not like real pills, but I do not like any other color besides purple. Looking at all the other colors made me really think about why I had joined this league but then I layed eyes on that beautiful purple color. It spoke to me like a hot chocolate on a cold winters eve. I love grape so much. My favorite soda ever is Grape Fanta and that will never change in a million years ever from now until the end of time. I just love grape so much. I think this grape pill would allow me to become by far the best player in the SHL. When I've got grape in my system nothing can stop me. Its like my own personal PED and when I get grape everyone better look out cause BJORN BJORN COMING FOR HEADS. In the end, I'd take purple so I could smell sound.

Pickle Juice · 08-31-2021, 03:48 PM

This isn’t a hard choice and I’ll tell you why. Ty Murphy has always suffered from extreme allergies but has always had a crippling ear of taking pills, especially pills that may be jelly beans. So this is a perfect opportunity for him to face his fears without completely traumatizing himself, not to mention one allergy pill would increase his stamina by at least 6 points. If Murphy had the motivation to take this allergy pill you would see him zipping around the ice for hours on end with no fatigue in sight. He’d be able to play 8 straight games, steady clapping bombs then go home and bang some moms. I really do not know if he would even break a sweat doing so, he has been living with nearly closed airways for so long that this is like he is reborn with a new and greater ability to put oxygen into his body.

Renomitsu · 08-31-2021, 03:59 PM

Yeah, I'm not really about the downsides of most of these pills. Frankly, if I had to choose one it'd most likely be the purple or orange pill. Whether I choose the purple or orange pill is dependent on the type of grape flavor the purple pill has - is it Concord grape, cotton candy grape, or regular ol' green or red grapes? If it's a Concord grape jelly bean that'd be ideal and I would take it immediately. On the other hand, if it's just a regular green grape I'm not terribly interested in torturing myself. On the other hand, an orange pill is of relatively low utility because a single allergy pill means that I'll be protected for, what, maybe a day? Since it's described as a 'medicine' my assumption is that it'll treat something, so that would be ideal; on the other hand, if it's written incorrectly and actually causes allergies I obviously have no interest in that.

In some sense I'm tempted to take the red pill because if you're super fast you probably can just zip to the bathroom and back every 15 minutes, but that'd just be annoying to think of every 15 minutes and wouldn't allow you to carry much of a conversation or train of thought; it'd just be an annoyance. I mean, you couldn't even really sleep, so that's a non-starter.

crutch · 08-31-2021, 04:20 PM

I think that the brown pill would be the most effective for Mikhail Novikov. I don't think that anyone would be able to move him in front of the net, and nobody would want to chase down his fat, stinky ass because he would just make eveyrone sick on the ice which in my eyes in the big brain play. Novikov's deflection skills would be through the roof because he wold be uncontested. I think Novikov would be the greatest player (and probably smelliest) in SMJHL and SHL history, which is a good place to hang his hat when he is all said, done and retired. But I think that Noivkov wouldn't even need the super speed to be effective with his poopy ass pants. Which is a good thing, one player shouldn't have to count on one attribute to be the best and I wouldn't want Novikov to rely soly on his speed.

159.

Eynhallow · 08-31-2021, 04:20 PM

So, I really didn’t like the downside of many of the so=called super power pills. The red pill would keep the equipment manager very busy during game play what with guys having to rush off to the washroom every 15 minutes. No matter how you cut it, guys would need to relieve themselves 3 times during game play.. And what if 75% of your team had to go at the same time ??? A very depleted bench and a lineup at the washroom. So, the blue pill would render the user blind. I can “see” where scoring on one’s own net could be a problem unless some sophisticated, illegal equipment were introduced so that specific sounds would let the player know where the opposing net is located. The green pill would reduce your height to a mere 3 feet. I think there would be a lot of unintentional penalties generated for kneeing as that is what one would be running into all the time. Then again, if your whole team were to take the green pill it would resemble some very good Tyke hockey.

So my choice was the purple pill, because I like grape jelly beans !!!

.Laser · 08-31-2021, 05:03 PM

It would seem that I have not been given anything to wash these pills down with, and despite my best efforts and congregating enough saliva in my mouth to swallow the pills without them getting stuck deep in my trachea, I can't get the orange fucker down. My allergies have been killing me lately, as I'm allergic to politics and the local elections in Winnipeg where I am technically still a resident are beginning to take place. Therefore, instead of taking a pill, I'm just going to take the purple one that's actually a grape jelly bean, knock it back with a swift chew or three, and be on my merry way. You see, I seem to have encountered this man on a side quest and can't skip past him, but if I just take the one with no consequences whatsoever besides a slightly unpleasant cough syrup taste and don't have to give up any of my hard earned cash, that's a win win for me, especially considering those other options. Jesus.

(172)

Thanks to EAB and sulovien for the sigs!

Kraagenskul · 08-31-2021, 05:36 PM

I am going with the green pill and putting my career on hold. Body of a child you say, three feet tall means I now have the body of a four year old child but the intelligence beyond all other hockey players. Great! It literally says "will transform your body into that of a child," which means in about twelve or thirteen years I have grown into pro size and will still legally be an adult based on my age. So that is what, 15 years old body wise and around 40 legally? I will easily add another twenty-five something years to my now future hall-of-fame career!

I look forward to training my little body to be an elite machine to match my brain. The rough part will be not being allowed to play against people my own size because of my age because that would be fun. Imagine running up the numbers in a mite game? Not much fun for the other kids, I get it.

So give me that green pill and let me bide my time.

Sean · 08-31-2021, 06:02 PM

This might sound super lame, but I'm going with the purple pill. All these other pills sound super exciting but Tony Pepperoni has never done performance enhancing drugs and he's not going to start now! Imagine Pepperoni is one of the few players ever to reach 1000 points only to have it all taken away because he took a pill that made him super fast in his skates and his bowels. His adoring fans would never be able to forgive him!

Also, grape is a pretty decent flavour of jellybean, if we were talking a black jelly bean, then maybe I would be a little less likely to consider it (who in their right mind actually likes black jelly beans). It's obviously a mid-tier jelly bean, it's no yellow, and I'm taking lemon here, not banana. Whoever decided to make yellow things banana flavoured without giving fair warning it's banana pretty much committed a war crime. As I'm writing this my allergies are acting up and I'm regretting not taking the orange pill. You live and you learn.

EDM All-Time Leader in Goals, Assists and Points

Kylrad · 08-31-2021, 06:44 PM

I think the orange, pink, purple and black pill are the only real options here. Not sure why you'd pick the brown pill over the red one ever, and while the other colors do give nice benefits, they also come at massive costs. For the Orange pill Daniel Smeb has no allergies so there's no real need for that, so we're down to pink, purple and black. Daniel Smeb already being from Korea and their best hockey player means he basically already has the fame of a kpop star even without their particular talents, although it doesn't specify what level of kpop star, either way no need for that pill. For the purple pill, Daniel Smeb hasn't had any jellybean in a while but from what he remembers enjoyed them and thinks the purple one was fine. Finally the last pill the black one, erase the pt director but take his spot, it doesn't say here that you have to take their spot forever or even for how long, you could do it for just a season or even just step down right away. So really it comes down to a purple jellybean vs erasing the pt director and the potential chaos of not having one by stepping down right after taking their spot. That sounds more intriguing so Daniel Smeb will have to go with the black pill.

***Aephino*** · 08-31-2021, 06:46 PM

I hear all the options, but barely even have to think. I snatch the blue pill and gobble it down. Instantly, I can't see anything. I guess I always thought being blind was like closing your eyes, but this felt much more different... it was indescribable. Alas, I suddenly felt the weight of my own body. My own arms. I felt more powerful and alive than I had ever been. I make my way to training for that day. Getting the skates on was a little rough at first, but once they were on I couldn't wait to hit the ice. I instantly fell on my face. I stood up and brushed it off -- this was going to take some getting used to. We start practice and I am all over the place. I can hear everything but I just can't quite figure out the depth perception and am blindsided when I receive the puck. But when it's on my stick... I'm unstoppable. I'm Happy Gilmore on steroids powerful.

Vikian · 08-31-2021, 06:48 PM

Wait...I can be allergy-free? This is a game-changer! Zhen Roza has been allergic to the puck for years, every time it got near him, his eyes would water up and then everything got blurry. If it touched him it would burn on contact even through his gear. But this little orange pill can fix all that. Now he doesn’t have to worry about the pain, the blurriness, and his throat closing up in big-time situations. Now he can actually play like a human being. After taking it, Roza became an elite player, looking out the coaching staff was blown away. This guy was actually making saves and watching the puck not just waving his arms around aimlessly. After a couple of games, Zhen Roza noticed something. The fans, his now average stats has garnered him fans that actually like him. But they wanted autographs, they were attacking his social media DMs, he couldn’t get any more privacy. He fixed his on ice and allergy troubles, but at what cost.

*JURT* · 08-31-2021, 11:15 PM

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*roastpuff* · 09-01-2021, 12:48 AM

Magnus Liljestrom's current team is coloured pink therefore he will go and take the pink pill. This also helps because the Tampa Bay Barracuda needs to boost their popularity, being that they are a hockey team in Tampa and they have to compete with all the other sports and that darned pesky sun in the sky. Magnus Liljestrom would also love to get some recognition in the league, as he feels like he gets overshadowed by other defensemen like Jukka Timonen @juke and William Hartmann @boom who are in his draft class. Sadly although he gets the fame of a Korean pop star he does not get to speak Korean beyond ordering food nor does he have the moves of a Korean boy band member, as he dances like a total spaz. Also he much prefers pop and house music (Swedish House Mafia, natch) rather than K-pop which will also reduce the usefulness of his Korean fame.

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