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*bobdigi9* · 05-12-2024, 06:45 AM

Written Option #1:

You call them "locker rooms". .The truth of the matter is that they're nothing more than regenerating rooms and command centres.
You thought those were helmets they were wearing. Scoff. Clearly they are headsets that relay information back to their commanders.
Genetically augmented corpses designed to play hockey.
If this all sounds familiar, like a contrived plot from a 90's action film, that's because it absolutely is. It is none other than the Jean-Claude Van Damme masterpiece movie "Universal Solider".

But here's the thing. What if the events that transpired in the movie were based on true events? Well, I'm here to blow it all wide open. It's all true. But after it was deemed that the UniSol program was unfit to produce reliable soldiers, the program was scrapped. Nearly. Looking to venture into the sports business/entertainment industry, a group of savvy investors swooped in and repurposed the genetic experiments.
Gone were fears that a franchise's top players would miss any stretch of time with injuries, risking the chance at selling tickets and making profits. And of course, if you're familiar with the movie, you'll know that one of the major flaws with the soldiers was their propensity for overheating. That's no longer an issue with all of their activities taking place primarily on an ice surface.

So next time it comes up that JCVD was in only one movie that focused on hockey (1995's "Sudden Death"), you'll be able to wow everyone with this new found knowledge.

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Tylar · 05-12-2024, 08:16 AM

I think Sad Ketchup's regular season was really good, went point per game as a rookie, and the Chicago Syndicate did manage to make the playoffs which was somewhat surprising. Can Sad Ketchup up his game even further as a rookie? Possibly, likely? maybe not so much. Being a rookie in this league is tough, and Sad Ketchup found a lot of success but at the same time a rookie in this league is not going to carry a team like you may assume in other leagues. Being a veteran in this league really makes a difference so in that regard Sad Ketchup realistically wouldn't be able to "find another gear" in the playoffs due to his rookie status and how the league functions, but he can still be an impact player like he was in the regular season. The Chicago Syndicate are in for an uphill battle anyways, and likely an easy elimination is instore for them but it will be good experience for Sad Ketchup

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***hotdog*** · 05-12-2024, 08:54 AM

a little known fact about the shl is that there actually are injuries - they just get instantaneously corrected and uninjured by branching off into a parallel universe. imagine there is a play on the ice where a player such as Binko Koivu crashes into another player like Sim Wen on a forecheck. let's say binko really lays into his ex teammate because he wants to prove a poink or something @goldenglutes @Jepox and leans a lil something extra into the hit. sim wen catches the brunt of the binko and his shoulder hits the boards awkwardly, dislocating. this exact moment serves as the impetus to shift into a parallel universe (one of the infinite possibilities) in which that exact hit happens but sim wen does not dislocate his shoulder. so in the previously-foregrounded universe there are injuries, but the injury itself triggers an instantaneous shift into a universe in which the injury does not happen. to outside observers without access to the consciousness within this world in the first place, this all resembles a facade in which no injuries exist at all

***Benpachi*** · 05-12-2024, 09:02 AM

Written Option 1,

The SHL has the lowest injury rate of any pro sports league in the world! It's a marvel of modern medicine and scientists have been stumped for decades as to the secret behind the success! Well, as it turns out, it's a combination of several factors, programs, and league initiatives that keep all SHL players performing in tip-top shape year round.

Firstly, all SHL and SMJHL teams are serviced by the finest athletic physicians money can pay to hire, graduates from the long-prestigious SHL School of Sport Medicine; the world's most prolific MD factory. These graduates are prepped on the latest, most cutting edge procedures, technologies, medicines, rumours, hearsay, medical wizardry, and illegal extraterrestrial resources.

Secondly, the teams and players are protected by the most recent, newest, and well-designed hockey equipment on the planet, developed through a multi-layered partnership overseen by experts from the fields of sports, aeronautics, and the defense industry.

And lastly, SHL ownership maintains a steady supply of valuable livestock and harvest sacrifices to their custom-built temple to Zxy'Ch'grar - the Endless One, Arbiter of Fortune and Doom. As long as his grasping hands (and there are so, so very many) are full of humble sacrifices, no harm will befall the players. This is the Covenant of Shielding, established by the SHL's forerunners, the ancient Circle of Mystery, led by the great Thaumaturge and Demonologist Sir REDACTED.

*kenvald* · 05-12-2024, 11:48 AM

Option 1

The fact that no injuries have happened really ever in the SHL and SMJHL can only be explained by one thing. The fact that every single athlete, no matter how young or old they are, drink milk before every single game and practice. It was introduced as a mandatory supplement by the original owners and Head Office of both league. With hundreds of research papers proving the efficiency of milk not just for bone density, but also its cut-resistance and self-healing abilities, there was not one reasonable person trying to stay in the way of keeping the players healthy. And now more than 70 seasons later we can tell that the milk supplement rule has been an absolute success. Hockey players have become the healthiest specimens on the planet. So much in fact that the pads players wear nowadays are just for show and to keep the old equipment brands afloat. Surely someone in HO has an investment there... But I digress.

**brickwall35** · 05-12-2024, 12:19 PM

The Simulation Hockey League, despite its name, is not a simulation. There are an infinite number of universes that exist, and the SHL we know just happens to be the one that has never had a single injury occur, and possibly never will. It could be that at some point, SHL players will succumb to injury and we'll lose our special status among the SHL multiverse, but for now, we hold a special distinction. Although it doesn't necessarily make us unique, as there are infinite other SHLs that also don't have any injuries having occurred. Frustratingly, there are an infinite number of SHLs where I have won a cup, or multiple cups, or even all of the cups. Instead, I'm stuck in this one, where I have won 0 cups and 0 IIHF gold. The only thing making this SHL not a complete failure is my one WJC Gold. But the possibilities for what happens in the future are endless, so I'll stay optimistic.

***Aephino*** · 05-12-2024, 12:33 PM

option 1: No SHL or SMJHL players miss games due to injuries for a number of reasons. For starters, the PEDs that the players take these days are very, very advanced. They have this pill which utilizes highly advanced and experimental technology that allows all wounds to be healed tremendously quickly. Cuts and bruises heal almost instantaneously. Other wounds, such as sprains or strains take a few minutes to heal, causing the player almost no pain. More significant injuries, such as breaks and fractures, take hours to heal and is recommended that the daily pill is taken before going to bed, alongside heavy sleeping medication (as the healing process for breaks and fractures do cause pain).

This causes the players on the ice to be a bit more conservative when it comes to risky situations and fights. The players know they can get away with small, chippy hits and dings, but anything that could cause real damage is generally frowned upon, as the players all know the pill (Injury-B-Gone, IBG for short) will cause pain and trouble sleeping for the injured player.

CementHands · 05-12-2024, 12:39 PM

Written Option 2:

Kicking it into next gear is tough for me this season. After a much better than expected break out season last year, this regular season has been an overall disappointment. I'm not really sure what I'm doing wrong or what I should be doing better, but something is just off. We've been working on different things, a new sports therapist, my chef has really kicked it up into a different gear for foods, honestly it just feels like I'm snake bitten.
I think if I keep going through the motions and stay on top of my conditioning that things will fall into place, but it does seem like the team as a whole has this strange miasma hanging over head. Maybe it is the constant long playoff runs that we have been fortunate to go on finally taking their toll, maybe we need to rest up mentally so we can come back in top form next season. We will see what happens.

***luke*** · 05-12-2024, 01:24 PM

pt pass

Seb · 05-12-2024, 01:39 PM

PBE Affiliate

***Shiamus*** · 05-12-2024, 01:44 PM

Graphic Option 1 - Lily recovers from glass bones and paper skin syndrome.

**esilverm** · 05-12-2024, 02:07 PM

In my opinion the SHL uses sophisticated technology adopted from the space aliens of planet Francis Hockera Mangera II that reduces the time spent hurting from injuries. This involves the players being healed via light beams as soon as they step on the bench. To make things even, the ice is a middle ground where they can grow tired and get hit which increases the tension in the games however since they can waltz back to the bench and receive medical care without any repercussions some players tend to go all out with players such as Pass Forfeit committing many penalties in order to get some competitive advantage over other teams. The penalty boxes, however, are not under this light beam property so players there get normally penalized for their actions in a way that is respective of the rest of the league. Trials over time show that this is the best way to handle player injury and it is the future of sophisticated hockey medicine. An extensive tapestry woven from fake chat GPT sentences for fun.

Pass Forfeit (D) ● Player Profile
Kraken

Special thanks to Blitz, jhockey, Ragnarr, and sulo for the gorgeous sigs <3

[Image: DG0jZcS.png]

*RashfordU* · 05-12-2024, 02:07 PM

Option 2

Rashford seems to have always been a better playoff performer than a regular season performer. There is just something about getting to the end of the season when its just the top teams that remain where Mikko wants to keep fighting. He's lived by the belief that his favourite games are when both teams are playing their best and the fans get the best show possible. This season has been no different, with 11 points through the first 8 playoff games, Rashford has found himself looking to try and steal another away series win against the strong Texas team lead by @CapnCooper and crew, always a quality foe to play against in the playoffs. The series is now down to a best 2 out of 3, with both teams hoping that they can move on to face off against the winner of San Francisco and Los Angeles. No matter what happens, both teams have earned their chance to battle onwards into the next round

*Katth* · 05-12-2024, 02:09 PM

It is called simulation hockey league, so it is a simulation lol. But even in this simulation I use a lot of drugs and alcohol to stay fit and in shape. Working out and training is for pussys. Real men drink whisky and shoot up before a game. You will feel invincible because you are. I am the living proof. I have never been injured in my entire career. I am not sure what other players do to stay healthy because I never meet any of them at the bar close to the arena, they must been drinking somewhere else or at home. It is a lot cheaper to do this at home, but I have a huge contract so I can afford it. I have to travel a bit though to find the best crack in town. Shame there is no one closer that sells high quality stuffy. I will bet that once I switch supplier I will get injured.

S50 Challenge Cup Finals Game 7
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Halkohol · 05-12-2024, 02:10 PM

Code:
Written Option 1: Despite high speeds, countless hits and blocked shots somehow no SHL player has missed a game to injury in who knows how long. 

How does the league do it? Are players pumped up with so many drugs and steroids that nothing can hurt them? Better doctors than money can buy to operate anyone during intermission?

Clones? Is it all just a simulation?

The clue is of course in the name SHL, Simulation Hockey League, it's a simulation. Or is it? Honestly I believe everyone in this league just has the mentality to play whatever injury there is. So, there are injuries in most likely each game, probably getting worse and worse over time due to how playing with injuries is bad. This is also most likely the explanation as to why players in this league start to fall of their peak a lot earlier compared to other, theoretical leagues not taking place in the SHL universe. Of course, this could all be a choice by some almighty rulers that just decided that for players here, injuries are simply impossible. But such a powerful council of beings could never be real, could it? But everyone has surely heard about how reality shifts due to decisions by a group, known as the "HO"... One can only hope they keep the mercy up, and not suddenly decide that we should be harmed during the games.

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