Task 1
Season forty-three
time flies
you can call me mac ‘cus I’m playing both sides
fucking your mom even tho she three beds wide
call up jason visser
doesn’t even miss her
tell that to the shower he been crying like he pissin
Crossfit Jesus
more like trash I don’t need that
fuckin up everyone that come my way
we ain’t really winning yet
Manhattan Rage

This is a bridge so sing a little diddy
one, uh huh thats right
two, that shit so tight
three, I see the light
four, that was a metaphor
five, what’s a metaphor
six, a simile without like or as
seven, oh I get it now
eight, how was that a metaphor
nine, it symbolized this PT fucking us in the ass
ten, I get literature now

Can’t forget about our friends WKP
I've Only got twelve words left
well now its three
that’s my sheeeeeeeeeiiiiit.

Task 2

This just in, Jon Ross, defenseman for the championship contending West Kendall Platoon has officially been named the hamburglar.  A string of break ins at burger joints across the region had puzzled many, some even saying it was nothing other than a publicity stunt for McDonalds.  However, McDonalds had denied any involvement with the robberies and agreed to cooperate fully with the police.  After a lengthy investigation, the West Kendall Police Force was able to track the case of the missing burgers to Ross.    In an embarrassing moment for the Platoon, Ross denied the allegations fully only to have a box of 6,000 burger wrappers from his home spilled out in front of him.  The SHL has responded by demanding Ross pay back all of the money the burger joints lost, as well as a matching sum to the West Kendall Hunger Bank.  Also, a suspension is being discussed for both the Challenge Cup Finals and next season’s regular season.  Just remember kids - sometimes that burger just isn’t worth it.


Task Five

Who is the favorite and who is the underdog of this series and why?
In this series the Winnipeg Jets are the favorites by far. They finished first in their conference with seventy points, ten more than the second place team, and eight more than the first place team in the Eastern Conference. Also, they had a goal differential of 52, which is twenty better than any other team in the SHL. Finally, they also ended the season on an eight game win streak, so they’re coming into the playoffs/championship hot. The Platoon on the other hand are the opposite story. They squeaked into the playoffs with 49 points, only four ahead of last place in the conference. Their goal differential was plus five and they ended the season on a losing streak. Basically I think me and the rest of the league would be shocked if the Jets don’t come out of this with the Challenge Cup.


Who are the 3 most dangerous players on the ice in this series and why?
Jason Visser is the most dangerous for obvious reasons. The guy scored 74 points this season, on 29 goals and 45 assists. Not to mention his shooting percentage is nearly 15 percent, meaning every time he puts up a shot it has a good chance of going in. The second most dangerous is Dani Forsberg, who finished the season with 57 points, made up of 20 goals and 37 assists. He has a dismal shot percentage hovering around 7 percent, but he’s a leader of the team and moves the puck around, setting up opportunities. The third most dangerous player on the ice is Corey Bearss. While he had less points than both Visser and Jesus, Bearss had 4 game winning goals and 4 game tying goals during the regular season. What can I say, the guy is clutch and WKP should be worried about him.

What young player has a chance to make a name for themselves in this series?
In his fourth season in the league, Kire Yelkrab has a great chance at making a name for himself this season in the playoffs. He had a decent season this year, getting 13 points on 7 goals and 6 assists. While he’s not the biggest impact player yet, as we know winning a playoff series, especially the championship, takes a full team effort and everyone needs to show up. He’s only got one point so far this offseason, but the championship is another beast, and if he can grab a couple points with a Jets win then he will go down as a big contributor to a championship team.

Task 8
A lot of fans always wonder how the players stay in shape both during the regular season and the offseason.  Well here’s the answer, introducing to you:
The Crossfit Jesus Crossfit Protein Smoothie

-2 Eggs
-5 Pieces of Salami
-2 Hot Dogs
-2 TBSP of Peanut Butter
-3 cups of milk

Step One: Throw ingredients into the blender
Step Two: Blend
Step Three: Pour into glass
Step Four: Season with salt and pepper to taste




The most delicious burger on Earth, take my word for it.  Dani Forsberg is one of the healthiest players in the league, and this is one of his secret tricks.
The Dani Forsberg Forsburger

-2lb beef patty
-17lbs romaine lettuce
-17lbs iceberg lettuce
-17lbs spinach leaves
-17.5lbs arugula
-6oz lettuce sauce




Task 9

My first step is to take the eleven dollars as my salary, nothing like a little embezzlement right? Then I would go into a team’s locker room and steal a pair of skates.  Then from the crowd I would get about thirty to fifty people that would also like to participate in what will be known as “The Gauntlet”.  You have me, someone who can barely skate, trying to get from one goal to the other.  In the middle are the volunteers separated into three distinct stages.  The first stage has 7 people lined up on either side all with hockey sticks and multiple pucks.  They are trying to trip me with the pucks, with the stipulation that the puck must stay on the ice the entire time.  Next, about 10 people are lined up along the far blue line with some goalie pads on, and I need to break through past them.  They aren’t allowed to move, but can hold hands/stand close to solidify.  Finally, the rest of the people have pads on and are blindfolded.  They have to stop me from reaching the other goal.  Oh did I mention they all have paintball guns? Luckily one of the fans had a stash of 20 in his car so that worked out well.

THE GAUNTLET


BONUS: Bonus Ludwig Koch Schroder and Jon Ross