Task 7 : 


Task 6: 



Luckily the teams in this year's championship series synergize pretty well for a mascot. This is General Byrd, a long-time air force veteran famous for piloting fighter jets. In addition to his cute exterior that hides a soul that has truly seen some shit, fans love him because he flies around the arena in an inflatable "jet," handing out t-shirts and army registration forms. 


Task 9:

With the news that Katy Perry had dropped out, we seemed to be up shit's creek with a cement block tied to our ankles. However, a member of our production team made the comment that saved all of our asses: what if we made the crowd the entertainment? And what a genius suggestion it was. What gets your average white people more fired up at a hockey game than anything else? Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond. The plan was this: we'd trot an older looking dude out to centre ice with a microphone and claim is was Neil Diamond, knowing full well that nobody knows what the hell Neil Diamond actually looks like. At this point, he'd begin singing the classic song for a few notes, before turning the microphone to the crowd. At this point, the cameras would be focusing in on people jamming out the hardest, with prizes to be won. It was such a success, nobody even remembered that Katy Perry was supposed to be there. I kept the $11 for myself and treated myself to a beer at the overpriced concession stand for a job well done.




Task 2:

The SHL has this morning learned of an incident taking place last night involving Crossfit Jesus of the Winnipeg Jets. The events, as they have been described to us, are as follows: according to police reports, Jesus walked into a bar alongside a group of friends consisting of a rabbi, an imam, and a Buddhist monk. Upon the group's entry, a bartender asked the group if "this was some kind of [expletive] joke," which resulted in Jesus instigating a fistfight with the bartender. After continued altercations with both the bartender and bouncers at the establishment, Jesus and his followers left the bar before police could arrive. When Jesus was finally accosted by police, he was leaving a prominent local sex club with two companions dressed in full-body leather gimp suits. We have decided not to apply supplemental discipline at this time, as we have not stopped laughing since we heard the news and the puck has since dropped.



Task 5:

a) I think it can easily be argued that Zach Evans is one of the most deserving players in the entire league of a championship. A classy elder statesman of the SHL, he's given his whole career to the Jets and it would be a wholesome sight to see him celebrate a storied career with a cup win for one of the most rabid fanbases in the world.

b) In terms of cementing their legacy, a championship would be most crucial to the Jets. A perennially strong team that could never quite get over the hump and has watched geographical rivals see success, a cup win would spell a massive amount of jubilation and relief for the Jets fans, players, and organization. West Kendall is a surprise contender in the midst of a cinderella run, but the Jets are at this point only missing a championship to confirm that all of their hard work in past seasons has been worth it in the end.

c) I think it goes without saying that the Jets are the favourites in this series after a President's Trophy win. On the other hand, West Kendall would have finished 7th in the Western Conference and missed the playoffs. However, we're witnessing a cinderella story for the ages and the lowest seeded team in the playoffs will be taking on the highest for all the marbles. At the end of the day, will West Kendall's confidence overcome the depth of Winnipeg? We'll have to wait and see.

Bonus: Ludwig Koch Schroder and Jon Ross