"Hello, I'm Slap McShotty. I was asked to talk to you guys but I was under the impressions I'd be doing it one-on-one for each of you, so now I gotta wing it. Four score and seven weeks ago..."

1 HOUR LATER...

"... and that's how I earned the nickname 'ColonoscShotty' in THAT retirement home. Okay, that about sums it up. Any questions?"

Q: "You mentioned you made an individual speech for each of us. What was mine?"

A: "I did make some well-meaning speeches, but yours was kind of 'meh', I don't really see you going anywhere so I didn't waste my time. Next?"

Q: "What's your favorite video game?"

A: "I really enjoy the new Grand Theft Auto: Augmented Reality game, it makes running over cops more fun when you get to see your star rating go up. Next!"

Q: "You don't seem like much of a role model."

A: "That's not a question. Sheesh, no wonder you're failing. Give me your twitter handle afterward so I can publicly shame you, thanks."

"No more questions please, I'm exhausted and I need all my energy for my scrimmage against the local elementary school hockey team. Later!"