1. PT Coupon, +3 TPE
SHL is the best around because nothing's gonna ever bring us down.

3. Logo fight, +3 TPE
Since it specifically asks who would win in a logo battle royale and not a team name battle royale, when I look at teams like BAP I'm gonna be looking at the eagle instead of a platoon. With this in mind, there's a few that we'll be able to eliminate right away: PHI, TOR, SEA, and WPG since they're all non-sentient beings. Just so they feel included, let's say that the terrain in which the battle is taking place includes a forge, the CN Tower, a boat with a big ass eye on it, and the Northern Lights. Now let's go through the order of elimination: The Barracuda is literally useless unless this battle takes place in water, take your pick of which bird logo scoops it up and eats it. The humans all realize that they're screwed unless they stick together, except of course the Renegade who tries to win on his own and ironically gets eaten by a lone wolf. This means that the Quebec nationalist, the mobster, the king, and the spy are all teamed up. They first head to the forge and find themselves some weapons to use in battle. The other mammals are not so smart and the apex predator, the lion, comes out on top in the battle between it, the buffalo, the bull, the wolf, and the arctic fox. The birds all mostly avoid each other but as food gets scarce they become bolder and bolder and eventually resort to attacking one another since there's no way any of them are taking down a lion. The eagle kills the hawk then the phoenix makes short work of the eagle. At this point in the game the humans have all grown tired of each other, the Quebecer and the kind oppose each other no matter what, the mobster and the spy don't trust each other, and they're all annoyed at the king for trying to be in charge all the time. Eventually the mobster loses his shit on the king and the Quebecer and shoots them both with his tommy gun. The spy, knowing that his alliance with the crime lord won't last, disappears with all the supplies they've gathered. The spy keeps tabs on the mobster for a short while but after he feeds the lion a few clips, the spy decides that he has no more use for this guy alive and promptly delivers a silenced shot to the back of the head. This leaves us with just a few remaining competitors, the spy knows he's outmatched and goes into hiding within the CN Tower, the Phoenix is left to wait, and there's one more we haven't touched on yet, the Dragon. To this point, it figured that it might as well save its energy and wait until the last minute to fight since it doesn't see anything else as a realistic competitor, and could be found sleeping in the gold supply of the forge. Eventually it wakes up to find the spy hiding in the CN Tower and the phoenix perched on top. It first makes quick work of the phoenix, then, like Valoo burning down the Forsaken Fortress, the dragon uses its fiery breath to reduce the CN Tower to ash, spy and all. The winner is the dragon (obviously).

5. Homer team, +2 TPE
For the best team not to make the finals this season, I gotta go with my homer pick, the Chicago Syndicate. For some reason the Stampede seem to have our number in the playoffs, but with such a potent offense I think the Chicagos could have really gone all the way. The biggest thing that let them down this season was goaltending, but as is the case with any rookie player the only way to go is up. Chicago's new division needs to look out since this team is gonna be looking like a serious threat for the foreseeable future as their goalie only gets stronger and the veterans hover around 2k TPE.

7. Famous fans, +2 TPE
As such a large city, there are surprisingly few celebrities from the Chicago area to cheer for the Syndicate. A one notable famous folk who does love their local SHL hockey team though is Harrison Ford, who cites the Syndicate as a huge inspiration for the direction he decided to take with intergalactic outlaw Han Solo. He actually shares season tickets with fellow Illinois native Bill Murray, who funnily enough was considered to play Han Solo in Star Wars before George Lucas decided to go with Ford. All I can say that it must be tough to play against the Syndicate knowing that there's always either a Ghostbuster or a Solo in the audience.

12c. Branding, +1 TPE
I gotta say, I much prefer the Texas Renegades' branding and it isn't even close. I've just never been a huge fan of green and yellow going together, it reminds me too much of Subway or Sprite. The Stampede's colours in particular remind me of John Deere, just replace that buffalo with a deer and you could convince me that that was an old or unused logo of theirs. Texas, on the other hand, is simple, black and white, which will never go out of style.

12d. Weekend getaway, +1 TPE
To be honest, nothing really draws me into either city, I'm not really a big city guy but if I had to pick one I'd probably go with Dallas, it just seems like there's more to see and more to do there. If I had to pick one to live in that'd be a different story, I'd definitely pick Buffalo, closer to home and I prefer colder weather as a good Canadian boy.

16. Cannibalism, +2 TPE
If I had to pick one of my fellow SHL members to eat, I'd have to go with Patty. I could host a barbeque with all my friends, have all the fixings for good burgers, cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, red onions, pickles, ketchup, mustard, mayo, relish, you name it. And for those who are looking for a different type of sandwich (yes it is a sandwich Zoone), why not throw hotdog on the grill? We already have all the burger fixings and this way we also get to eat the rich like we've always dreamed of. Now all we're missing is a user named frenchfries.

17. Milestones, +2 TPE
Link

3+3+2+2+1+1+2+2=16 TPE