Adam friedland decided to sponsor Philadelphia Bagels. Their claim to fame is that they are ultra athletic poppyseed bagels that come in all varieties. After a string of athletes getting popped for testing positive for opioids, PHILADELPHIA BAGELS decided to look into their product a little further. It appears that it is common to test a false-positive for opioids after eating poppyseed bagel due to a similar chemical makeup or whatever. our philadelphia scientists took a look and tested the chemical composition. It turns out the 'filler and glue' properties in the bagel bread actually rendered the bagels the label "imitation bread". These bagels aren't even bread at all!
of course, Friedland had to tuck his little tail in between his legs and Retweet the Philadelphia bagels RECALL notice; he's getting flamed on twitter by asexual rights activists, coffee dads who love marvel, and rich white women with celiac disease.. Friedland smirks to himself; he is acutely aware that the protest is the result of algorithms influencing behaviour to reinforce social capital. The shell game has never fooled him. Not once has he ever played. He puts his phone down, and tests the new Philadelphia bagel recipe.. oh yeah this hits just right baby.