1 - CW Trivia 3 TPE

Verification word = bigsnow
Victor Helstrom


2 - Great Manly Man +3

When it comes to naming the most outstanding GM in the league, there need not be a further search than Carolina Kraken GM sve7en. This man swings and swindles on a whole new level that the entire locker room is unable to contain. Every week, we demand more of his face, more content on the OnlyWins. He is the winningest #selfie channel poster in the Kraken Discord channel, the most selfies per 60 in the league, and the most skin per pixel shown on an SHL discussion podcast. He cannot be stopped. His biggest move is his very smooth slide into your DMs, however other notable moves include seducing the All-American free agent rookie Lenny Hawk away from other SHL sharks smelling fresh blood in the water, however no one knows the waters better than a Kraken. He’s done some other stuff like win some cups and make some trades for some unreal players like Viktor Zukal and Marco Barengrub, but that’s not what we’re here for, not really.


3 - Draft Busts +3

The biggest draft bust is not in the past, but is yet to be burst. Lenny Hawk was drafted at a far too high #30 in last season's draft by the Philadelphia Forge. On paper, Lenny is an All-American hero, having served in the United States Coast Guard for 5.1 years and maintaining a military discipline and lifestyle that would make even the most mustached of drill sergeants leak a tear or two down their frown lined faces. However, it’s hard to believe that a player wearing an eye patch will be able to visualize the game of hockey better than literally any other human being. Regardless of the fact that Lenny has been bred through multiple generations of… partner choices that has given him the sight of a Hawk in his perfect 10/10 visioned eyeball, it’s a risk that cannot be ignored and can only be watched with the most negative of assumptions.

11a - Procrastinator Special +2

Welp, I sure did wait until the last day and that’s pretty not smart. The finals were fairly exciting and it was great to see a bunch of stupid boats get sunk exactly like I predicted they would, regardless of whether it was us or Newfoundland who did it. The real excitement comes from not the sweep, but from the fact that the Berserkers won at all. You see, the Carolina Kraken lost to Newfoundland, but they ended up winning the cup. The Kraken also had a positive record against Anchorage through the regular season, so the math results in the Kraken actually being second place and if the sim wasn’t so rigged we’d be the winners. Once our investigation is completed the rightful deep sea elder gods will be crowned appropriately.


12 - Milestones +3

LINK


15 - IIHF Predictions +2

As always, the hottest event in hockey is the World Junior Championship. Nothing matters more than watching a bunch of young guns duke it out. Unless you’re watching the actual Young Guns team, then you’re just there to watch a bunch of hopes and dreams be obliterated as the SMJHL’s finest smear the orangest of pylons. I predict that the greatest country, AMERICA, will win it all. With new blood Lenny Hawk proudly representing his country, they will be unstoppable. I predict that Canada will fall early, in a disappointing fashion. It’s time for the old guard to be stripped of their power and for us to feast on what is rightfully ours - championship GOLD.