"Seriously coach, you gotta believe me, the back and knees were so bad I could barely get out of bed, but Coach, this girl was like, ludicrously hot. Like, hotter than physics should allow. Hotter than the goddam sun. You can't cancel on a girl that hot, c'mon coach, you gotta understand! I had to take a shitload of Advils just to make it to the date, no way I could've managed a bag skate. The whole thing sucked anyway, it turns out she thought I was Loosh O'Sullivan the whole time and bailed when she realized I wasn't... and this isn't even the first time that's happened."

"...yeah, I'll skate extra laps tomorrow and it won't happen again, sorry Coach."